Ask Persephone: Romance Advice from the Queen of the Dead
April 28, 2016 at 2:45 pm
Sometimes even crones need a (wrinkled, gnarled) guiding hand when walking through the long, dark hallway of (semi) mortal life. A few brave souls beseeched Persephone, Crone of Crones, Dread Queen of the Dead, BFF of Hekate, Goddess of Witchcraft and the Hearth for her guidance. Here are their pleas and her responses.
Q. Dear Persephone,
I just started dating a really amazing girl, and things are going SUPER well. We’ve been together for a couple of months now and we already have cute pets names for each other. She’s supportive and smart and beautiful and generally amazing. All my single friends are jealous and honesty I don’t blame them. We’re totally that couple that everybody hates because we are just so darn cute.
Here’s the problem: about a year before my gf met me, she hooked up with a girl she THOUGHT was single, but turned out to be dating a witch in the next town over. Obviously when my gf found out she was the other woman she ended things immediately, but unfortunately the scorned witch was mad enough to put a bad luck curse on her. I didn’t think it would be a big deal at first, but it’s really beginning to ruin our lives! We can’t leave the house without some accident befalling one of us (last month we got 7 flat tires between the two of us!!) and neither of us knows what to do. Please help!!
– Secondhand Cursed
A. Dear Secondhand Cursed,
Pity the witch who suffers fools and haters to darken her hearth and home. While one can appreciate the dedication your girlfriend’s ex is showing in persistently cursing a woman who unintentionally crossed her a year ago, vengeance, like all good things, must come to an end eventually. A woman tenacious enough to hex you and your girlfriend all year will probably only escalate her attempts to insert herself into your lives. You must take direct action now. Have you considered turning her into a mint leaf and stomping her into tiny-but-aromatic pieces? That should solve your problems and add some flavor to your upcoming meals.
On the other hand, think carefully before hexing this witch. Are you absolutely certain that your girlfriend is telling you the truth about the duration of her fling with the witch’s girlfriend? To be on the safe side, turn them both into mint leaves to completely wash your hands of this pointless drama.
Q. Dear Persephone,
My partner and I just moved in together, and everything is great so far, except for one thing. She keeps going on these long cleaning sprees, which would be fine, except that my stuff often goes missing afterwards, only to turn up again in weird places. One time, I found my box set of Unsolved Mysteries DVDs in the attic; another time, my laptop wound up in a sock drawer, which I found only after I’d already ordered a new one! How do I tell my sweetie to leave my stuff alone, or at least put it in a reasonable location when she cleans?
— Law and Disorder
A. Dear Law and Disorder,
I have many questions about your inquiry: have you asked your partner if she knows where she may have placed your missing belongings? Why is she so compelled to constantly clean? How long do you go without changing your socks that you purchased a new laptop in the time it took you to find the old one? Why would your partner think a sock drawer is a good place to put a laptop? How is it possible that the land of the living, with all of its infinite joys and possibilities, could have something as unyieldingly joyless and bleak as an Unsolved Mysteries box set?
However, none of these questions are solutions to your problem. Still, my advice is very different depending on whether or not you have broached this issue with your partner before.
If you have not yet addressed it with her:
Designate a location where your partner can deposit your belongings as she cleans. Tell her that you appreciate how much thought and care she puts into the upkeep of your home, but stress that you need to be able to find your belongings, lest you discard hundreds of dollars that you could have spent on bovine offerings to the hearth-based goddesses that shield you from the horrors of everyday life.
If your partner continues to mislay your belongings, she is showing a lack of consideration for the unholy forces at your command. You may have no other recourse than drastic transfiguration. Many entities prefer to transfigure their subjects into trees or shrubs. However, the simple, humble mint leaf’s utility and aromatic nature make it the perfect hex for a wayward or injurious lover.
Q. Dear Persephone,
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for several months, and I can’t help wondering if it would be an unethical use of my powers to ~magically~ persuade him to say he loves me first. It’s not as if I would be non-consensually charming any feelings into existence that aren’t already there — I’m relatively certain (like 85% sure). We’re both just very stubborn and also I am pretty cowardly and I don’t want to say it first. (Maybe if you had some bravery charms?? A recipe for liquid courage??)
– Scaredy Cat
A. Dear Scaredy Cat,
Never feel guilty about hexing a man. Not for any reason.
However. Are you emotionally prepared for your own reaction if he is unable to profess his love to you while enchanted? And even if he does confess, wouldn’t some part of you deeply resent that you needed to supernaturally coax those words from within him, rather than hearing them delivered freely and openly?
There are better ways to coax a confession of love out of a willing vessel. Personally, I find that shooting regal, scathing glances from atop a dread throne surrounded by the shades of departed souls is just intimidating enough to terrifying anyone into truth-telling.
In my experience, you could also die from snakebite wounds and wait to see if he is brave enough to barter for your safe return from beyond the veil of death. But all things considered, you may not want to take this risk if you are less than 100% certain of his love for you or less than 100% certain of his intelligence / ability to follow direct instruction from an authority figure.
Consider that the sweet pomegranate seeds of a coerced confession of love will only sour into bitterness as you build a future together.
I do not have any bravery charms, but I can teach you how to turn him into a mint leaf, should he betray your love with unfaithfulness. I will be in touch.
Do you seek relationship portents from the Queen of the Underworld? Email email@example.com or go to our tumblr to ask anonymously.