Boss Witch Milestones for Every Crone

This article is a part of Boss Witch Week 2017.

Hey, girl, it’s finally springtime; birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and new life is all around us. It’s also an opportunity for you to truly step into the sunlight (or moonlight or candlelight or hellfirelight, whatever light you prefer) and embrace your inner Boss WitchTM. Shelve whatever doubts you had in winter–when your spells failed or your hot toddies just didn’t hit the spot–and confidently remind yourself that you got this. Now, naturally, there’s more to being a Boss Witch than ruling the world or putting men in their places or making the perfect souffle; it’s also about the little things that aren’t mentioned during your end-of-year coven review.

So as you continue on your Boss Witch journey, take some time to celebrate these small milestones on the path to becoming Head Crone in Charge.

1. You actually own an iron and ironing board–your dress shirts and dress robes have never looked so good

2. You no longer ignore your car’s “check engine” light, thus cutting the number of times you’ve been stranded on the highway in the last six months down to zero

3. While Whole Foods’ “sushi burrito” might sound delicious, you know it can’t possibly be eleven dollars delicious and wisely decide to spend that money in their superior bakery section instead

Image source: Unsplash

4. In addition to just being stupidly catchy, LunchMoney Lewis’s song “Bills” really resonates with you now–you’d hoped being an adult would be less expensive

5. You vacuum on the regular–and your standard-issue apartment ghost has finally stopped leaving you notes in lipstick about how investing in cleaning products wouldn’t be the end of the world

6. While you sometimes give serious thought to bewitching your cleaning supplies to do the work for you, Fantasialike consequences be-damned, you’ve started to find tidying up to be a bit soothing

7. You still think the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up is a bit of a scam, but it did help you finally throw away piles of notes for spells you mastered years ago

8. Instead of signing up to bring napkins and plasticware to the cemetery  coven potluck (as is your custom), you sign up to bring a main dish

9. Instead of hexing the next poor unfortunate soul to make a disparaging comment about the way teen girls speak, you calmly inform them teenage girls have led language innovation for centuries, Norman

10. You’ve accepted that you have diverse interests; you can embrace your love of Adventure Time and The Americans, fanfiction and Helen Oyeyemi, Fall Out Boy and Kanye West, traditional rituals and Millennial magic

11. You come into some extra money and instead of blowing it all on a new phone or commissioning custom spellwork to perfectly heat up your bagel bites every time, you put it toward paying off some debt

12. Filing your taxes no longer causes you to hiccup soap bubbles

13. You’re more conscious of where your charitable donations are going–bye-bye, Salvation Army; hello, local women’s shelter

14. When making travel plans, you don’t blindly pick the cheapest flight. These days, you avoid airlines that make you pay for carry-ons, “re-accommodate” passengers with force, or have a history of cursing the poor souls in economy seating with sticky armrests and a lingering sense of paranoia

15. With net neutrality at risk, you researched  VPNs and found the one that works for you. Wards alone can’t protect your bank account, you know

16. That twinge in your knee? That ache in your back? That strange rash on your arm? Yeah, you make a doctor’s appointment and get that checked out instead of spraying Windex on the problem and hoping for the best

17. You have finally grown into that power suit you bought so long ago–whenever you leave the house, men fall to their knees and an unkindness of ravens follows you around to make sure everyone knows who the Bossest Witch Around is

So, as you step blinking into the welcoming light of spring and everything feels fresh and new and full of limitless potential, take a moment to celebrate being a Boss Witch. You’ve earned it.

Jessika Rieck

Jessika Rieck

Jessika disapproves of nametags, a certain Dido song, period piece films (except for Belle; that can stay), British literature, and many other things that probably bring you joy. She loves the phrase "tire fires," and wild owls flock to her wherever she goes, assisting with her daily chores. If you want to make her laugh, just mention "prancercise."
A collage featuring the top 10 crones of the year for 2023.

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