Captain America: Civil War: Revisited

Some burning questions and comments after CA: Civil War (Round 2)

May 18, 2016 at 3:16 pm

As many of you know, we’re really into Captain America: Civil War here at POMEmag. Civil War is the most re-watchable Marvel movie since The Avengers in 2012, so naturally, some of us have burned through it a few more times at this point.

CC abused the Alamo Drafthouse food-ordering notecards to take silent, digilent notes to avoid being the kind of dillweed that talks during a movie. (Sorry, Alamo Drafthouse; you bring so much joy and so many snacks into our lives and we appreciate all you do.) Here are some remaining thoughts and questions after this second viewing:

 


 

Why doesn’t Cap have Sharon’s number saved? I mean, he knows it’s her and not some rando, so what’s up with that?

 

Does Cap infer that it’s Sharon from context clues (even though she has literally never texted him before)? Because she’s a Secret Agent, does she have to change cell phones all the time? Or does Cap just not know how to save contacts in his phone? Each of these seems plausible.

 

What could Cap be thinking as he makes out with his, uh, ex’s grand niece?

 

What did they do to Bucky’s wig to get it so greasy and disgusting? Is it actually made out of roadkill or what?

 

T’Challa, oh my god, swoon.

 

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Is T’Challa the real reason that anybody in that UN summit survived that bomb? How many people did he save in this movie? Probably more than all the other Avengers combined, let’s be real.

 

Why did Sharon think telling Cap that her great aunt, whom he loved and must have wanted to do sexy things with, gifted her with her first thigh holster? “Hey I know you and my great aunt almost had a sexual relationship, maybe alluding to it by inserting myself in there somehow will get your attention.”

 

Do you think Cap has ever thought, “wow, check out the gams on that dame [that she genetically inherited from a woman I loved, cherished, and almost certainly would have boned]”

 

Is this his second chance with those gams?

 

Why does every ding dong in this movie think a baseball cap will completely disguise their appearance? Or is that just the case for Cap’s #squad?

 

I like Sharon’s nose. She has a nice nose.

 

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Robot boyfriend cute.

 

Has anybody bothered to help Wanda learn how to use her powers? Or are they just letting her wing it? Because regardless of whether you’re #TeamCap or #TeamTony, can’t we all agree that Baby Olsen doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing with her exploding fingies?

 

What was the point of Zemo traumatizing that poor hospitality worker, oh my god.

 

Why does Tony own the same Ross spice rack as I do if he’s a billionaire?

 

Didn’t Cap think about the fact that people diametrically opposed to him might also think, “no, you move?” Was he prepared for that contingency, or was he just committed to a mutual puffing-out-your-chest competition?

 

What’s more problematic — Hot Aunt May, or my reaction to Hot Aunt May?

 

Oh this movie thinks it’s being tongue-in-cheek about Hot Aunt May hahahaha go to hell, movie.

 

Seriously, can you remember the last woman you saw onscreen in a Marvel movie who wasn’t a Total Babe? Like, do you guys remember that hot Ukrainian woman in Age of Ultron who spent the last 30 minutes of the movie running around all the carnage and destruction in a negligee?

 

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Is it just me, or does Spidey look kinda like Peeta?

 

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OK, FINE, I DON’T SEE IT ANYMORE. SINCE I CAN’T FIND A SCREENSHOT OF HIM IN THIS MOVIE OUT OF COSTUME YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

 

Where’s Nick Fury? I could probably figure it out through Google/remembering hard enough but oh well, too lazy.

 

How many more ways are there for Tony to tell Peeta Parker that he’s gonna fuck his aunt? Ew, Tony.

 

How does Tony ethically justify pulling this precious baby in a pizza t-shirt into his superbattle? Even if he’s on the fringes?? Tony, come on, dude.

 

Look, I know it’s played out and trite and blah blah blah I don’t care; I just wanted Spidey to say the lines. You know the ones.

 

How hot was Uncle Ben to pull Marisa Tomei? I mean he must have been like, 1.5 Hemsworths minimum. That is what I need to believe for Hot Aunt May to work. If we see a picture of him on her dresser and it’s just, like, Current Martin Sheen in the last Spidey reboot I’m gonna lose my bananas.

 

Why is The Littlest Olsen dressed like all my Hot Topic Goth friends did in 2006? Is this an homage to the stylistic influences at play when the Civil War comic ran, a desperate attempt to bring back the lazy goth-ish aesthetic, or just a weird costuming choice?

 

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I found this image on a ~~~Vintage 90’s Hot Topic~~~ Etsy [screams until lungs collapse]

 

“I cannot control their fear, [and I also can’t control my powers. Wow, those two things can’t possibly be related],” thought Wanda.

 

T’Challaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

 

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Blingee is down right now so just imagine a blingee in this image’s place.

 

Is Ant Man really cool with jeopardizing his relationship with/access to his daughter for this?

 

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Spider-man, my son!! Let me embrace you!! You precious child!!! You beautiful rule-following moth!!!

 

How much do car insurance companies love it when the Avengers fight???? There is no deductible high enough to make you feel okay about parking anywhere in a major metropolitan area in this world bc your car is fucked.

 

It’s cool how this fight scene with all the superheroes punching each other feels like it’s ripped straight out of a (really excellently paneled) comic. I think many superhero comics try to mimic action movies’ frenetic energy but I think CA:CW decided to try this the other way around to great effect. When the blu ray comes out, I wonder if pausing at any point in the fight would look frame-for-frame like a comics superhero fight.

 

Was anything in this movie more perfect than Ant Man calling Hawkeye “Arrow Guy”?

 

Ant Man’s reaction to being a Giant Man is the same as mine would be. My reaction to Ant Man reacting to being a Giant Man is the same as Steven’s here:

 

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T’Challa: “I don’t care.” Me neither. What a professional.

 

Do all these people fighting know that the airport was evacuated? Because if they weren’t all in on that, I’m like, 1000 times more Team Tony.

 

Spidey: “You know that part where they’re on the snow planet with the walking thingie??” SAME, SPIDEY. SAME.

 

T’Challaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

RHODEY :’|

 

I didn’t really pay attention to this scene as much as I should have the first time so I didn’t notice Rhodey’s injury was Vision’s fault. But actually Wanda’s? Or no one’s? Who knows.

 

Why do literally no men appreciate Natasha’s friendship? I would appreciate it. At least from what we see in these movies, all of her friends are dudes and she really needs a loving and supportive lady friend to shit-talk with.

 

Did the police bother getting the word out about Fake Bucky?

 

Can’t HYDRA hide their ~secret magicks~~ in something more intimidating than a beat-up moleskin? All I’m saying is that this notebook is an integral part of the Dude English Major Starter Kit (complete with: the complete works of Hemingway, Kerouac, and Hunter S. Thompson, plus some beard grooming gear).

 

Hipster-Barista

What’s Russian for “I don’t read women writers”?

 

Why is Early 90’s Soviet Russia’s UI so good?

 

HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THAT THE SECRETARY OF STATE WAS GENERAL ROSS??? (Bruce Banner’s ex’s dad/enemy??? Wait, did they break up?? Or does she just not exist in continuity anymore?? Too lazy to Google it, oh well).

 

Look, Secretary of State Ross, if you didn’t want people to think you were a bad guy, you shouldn’t have worn a Bad Guy Turtleneck.

 

When did Cap find out about Tony’s parents? Because he and Bucky only had like five seconds to catch up. The movie presents this situation as a betrayal, but if Bucky told Cap he brutally slaughtered Tony Stark’s parents at some point in the past few hours, it’s not like he and Tony had a chance to grab coffee and talk about it. Did he know all along?

 

Cap and Bucky have no chemistry, you guys. I don’t care what the internet says.

 

Tony is better at making himself humble in front of Cap than the other way around. I think Tony needs the family of the Avengers more than Cap does, so even though they’re not exactly BFFs, he’s doing everything he can to keep his family together. Cap already has…sort of…a family (Sam, Bucky, Peggy (RIP)…Sharon??….Natasha???) so to him, these are his work friends (which he can live without a lot more easily).

 

When you get right down to it, the real conflict in this movie is:

Team Cap: “We don’t want to lose our job but if you implement this policy we’re going to quit and Joan Harris your ass.”

Team Tony: “We’re going along with this policy to keep the fam together.”

 

Ha ha it’s crazy that Cap and Bucky roll up expecting to fight the final boss and realize somebody else beat it and they’re fighting an entirely different final boss. How Final Fantasy.

 

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Those witches came from the moon!!

 

At first I was mad that they cast such a young-looking lady as Tony’s mom but apparently Hope Davis is only 2 years younger than John Slattery; this lady is gonna live forever.

 

T’Challa is still the best character in this movie by a long shot; all these trash heroes need to step up their game.

 

Bonus: Post credits scene: Is it just me or is T’Challa’s casualwear really channeling a Star Wars Republic-era Senate aesthetic? (There aren’t any screenshots of this though, sorry!)

 

That’s all the thoughts you get, byeeeee.

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!