People say that Valentine’s Day is a purely commercial holiday, an opportunity for greedy companies to prey upon both feelings and wallets. In no part of Valentine’s Day is this more apt than the racket that is children’s Valentine’s Day cards. Children’s valentines are unnecessarily expensive and mostly trash, but worst of all, they make absolutely no goddamned sense.
Think back to your earliest Valentine’s Day memories. You’re sitting in class, waiting impatiently for your teacher to give you permission to riffle through the shoebox full of half-assed, pun-laden wannabe greeting cards that your classmates’ parents forced them to get for everybody. Back then, what were you hoping for in a Valentine’s card? Excluding candy, gel pens, and tiny little Dollar Tree plastic toys your parents will step on for the next six months, you pried open those cutesy little envelopes hoping for whatever The Good Shit was in pop culture at that time. The point is, the text on a Valentine’s Day card is pretty much the least essential part, which is good because they are incoherent madness at best, and insultingly inane at worst.
But what if we take a look at the madness as it stares back at us? I am roughly $7.85 poorer, but I will lead you into Children’s Discount Valentines Hell, one confusing pop-culture reference at a time.
OK so to be honest, most of these weren’t that bad (with one exception).
Why does Spider-Man have a motorcycle? That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever se–
Oh. It’s from the show. Ugh, but carry on, I guess.
Age of Ultron Valentines
YOU WERE SO CLOSE
OK that’s better
……why??? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, ULTRON
Ah, yes, Black Widow’s most memorable catchphrase.
Let me start by showing you what we’re working with here:
You might be thinking: oh, that Anna one is semi-relevant to some part of the Frozen movie. But let me assure you, whoever made these cards has never fucking seen this movie.
YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN THIS IN SO MANY OTHER DIRECTIONS
I MEAN COME ON
I AM DOING YOUR GODDAMNED JOB FOR YOU
I guess at least they didn’t go with “ice princess.”
The Force Awakens Valentines
~abandon hope all ye who enter here~
These Star Wars Valentines are both the best and worst things you could get in your little Valentine’s Day shoebox. On the plus side, almost all of the images are rad as hell. The downside is that:
This is the least effort I’ve ever seen anybody put into anything and I was an English major.
“8 unique designs” my ass.
THREE NOUNS, MY VALENTINE!
“Oh sorry I wasn’t talking about you, I was just filling out my OK Cupid profile.”
OK so brace yourselves because we’re diving into the deep end of the pool:
“THE FIRST ORDER,
“THE FIRST ORDER,
THE FIRST ORDER WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER
WHAT IS THIS
WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS TRASH
I MEAN LIKE COME ON
YOU COULD EVEN BE LIKE, “THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS FOR U 2 B MY VALENTINE” OR SOME SHIT
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
REAL TALK: people like to complain about how puns are the absolute lowest form of humor, but as you can see, this is very clearly not the case. Do you guys know how hard it is to make a good pun? Sure, most of the time they’re juvenile and semi-obvious, but like any good joke, a pun will land if your delivery is good. But take a look at this garbage right here. IN WHAT GALAXY, FAR, FAR AWAY OR OTHERWISE, IS THIS EVEN A COMPLETE THOUGHT??? The next time I make a pun and somebody complains, I am going to whip this bad boy out of my wallet with a receipt to prove that no matter how bad my joke was, at least somebody didn’t pay upwards of $1.49 for the privilege of sharing it.
Look at this. I made this in less than 2 minutes in Photoshop.
Sure, maybe this isn’t a message you want to distribute to an entire second grade classroom. But the point is, THERE IS PLENTY OF MATERIAL TO WORK WITH HERE, YOU LAZY ASSHOLES.
Stationery companies should hit me up because like my heart this Valentine’s Day, I’m on fire. See that? See that pun? It’s a reminder that we can all do better — including greeting card companies that churn out half-assed, licensed holiday-based merchandise. Have a happy not-Valentine’s and in conclusion, THE FIRST ORDER, MY POMES!
(Special thanks to Laura Davila, who introduced me to “The First Order, My Valentine!” a few weeks ago).