Gritty Teen Remakes of Our Childhood Faves
There is ALWAYS a part for Madelaine Petsch
May 18, 2018 at 9:00 am
We here at POME are big fans of the hit CW garbage fire, Riverdale, which just wrapped up its second season on Wednesday. And after seeing this beautiful parody (a gritty teen drama adaptation of Arthur), I got to thinking: what other childhood favorites could be compellingly (or not so compellingly) remade into gritty teen dramas?? And so, I present to you, the Gritty Teen Remakes of Our Childhood Faves.
Gritty New Title: Townsville
Let’s get the obvious out of the way right now: The CW already does so much with superheroes; why not start doing stuff with the superheroes we actually care about? (I’m looking at you, Arrow.)
Picture it! Townsville, Present day: the PPG are no longer literal kindergarteners — they are now young adults (played by sexy, actual adults), and they’re in high school. Princess would be the mean girl, Mitch Mitchelson would be the bully, the Ganggreen Gang and the Amoeba Boys would be misunderstood rival gangs (we all know how the CW loves that); Sedusa would teach biology, Fuzzy Lumpkins would coach football, and HIM would be the vice principal (in charge of ~discipline~).
The series would kick off with a new school year, and the new students who come with it — namely, the Rowdyruff boys, who were secretly created by Mojo Jojo to destroy the Powerpuff Girls, emotionally. Blossom (Madelaine Petsch), Bubbles (Amandla Stenberg), and Buttercup (Lyrica Okano) will have to fight — physically and emotionally — to survive the very real trauma of being a teenage girl, and to realize that men aren’t actually worth their time.
Gritty New Title: Alfea High
I’ll admit that this one is maybe a little niche, but look — the CW needs something to replace the Sabrina spin-off that got bought up by Netflix. And this one would really bring them back to their Gossip Girl roots.
Winx is already about teens in high school, so adapting it would be pretty straightforward. I mean, it’s about teens in magic fairy high school, but still. Probably all the CW would have to do is make it ~sexy~ magic fairy high school, because it’s not really a CW show unless we’re sexualizing adults pretending to be children.
The pilot would follow regular-16-year-old, Bloom (Madelaine Petsch), as she saves Stella (the Princess of Solaria/Elle Fanning) from an ogre, and is then invited to enroll at Alfea Academy — the sexy fairy high school in the sexy magic dimension. At Alfea, Bloom meets Flora (Vanessa Morgan), Tecna (Allegra Acosta), and Musa (Jessi Goei), and together they navigate the pitfalls of sexy fairy high school — from sexy mean girls to sexy dark lords to boys from the sexy boy-fairy high school. Think: All Those ~Sexy~ Harry Potter Fanfics You Read in Middle School.
AND! If the stress of high school and evil magicians isn’t enough, there’s a season arc about Bloom learning that she was a changeling — her fairy parents kidnapped her human parents’ baby and, unknown to all, left her in its stead! Lies! Betrayal! Secret Twins! It’s all Very Drama. BUT, if you’re still not into it, have you considered a remake of W.I.T.C.H.? It would be exactly this show but set in the human world to the plot of The Craft.
The HEX Girls
Gritty New Name: H.E.X.
I would literally kill a man for this.
It’s possible that the world at large is somehow NOT still obsessed with The Hex Girls (the punk rock/“eco goth” girl band from the 1999 Scooby Doo movie Scooby Doo and the Witch’s Ghost), but frankly that is their loss.
The show will take place in Oakhaven, Massachusetts, where Sally McKnight (Madelaine Petsch), lives with her uncle, Ben Ravencroft (Stephen King), the acclaimed New England horror novelist. Uncle Ben is writing a new novel about the Salem witch trials, drawing from his own family history. So, he often sends Sally — along with her friends Dorothy (Emilija Baranac) and Celeste (Hayley Law) — to libraries/museums all over New England to pick up research materials and artifacts for him.
I think you can see where this is going. These three best friends — who are also, casually, in a band — come upon some ancient witch magic and are transformed! Into MAGICAL GIRLS! But in a punk rock way. They use their powers to save the environment, to fight systemic oppression, and to save Uncle Ben when he is, inevitably, consumed by the power he seeks.
I know that this started out as a joke, but I find myself now legitimately Very Into all of these ideas. The world needs more indulgent teen-girl content. That will never not be true. You could bury me in Spice World, my beautiful remake of Spice World, and the 2001 Josie and the Pussycats, but I would still insist on more! So, y’know — @CW (but also @CartoonNetwork): I am Very Free; I could make this happen for you.