The Magic Mike XXL Boys as Jupiter Ascending Splices

I think it’s safe to assume that everyone has wondered what the boys from Magic Mike (XXL, obvi — we do not speak of its predecessor) would be spliced with if they existed out in the Jupiter Ascending universe, living their lives as genetically engineered human/animal hybrids. And since we all, collectively, have a strong history of LOVING this crossover, I firmly believe that this is a super normal thing that everyone thinks about. So, without further ado: The Magic Mike XXL Boys as Jupiter Ascending Splices.


Earnest (Tarzan)

tarzan from magic mike next to a picture of a dolphin
dolphin via William Warby on Pexels

Tarzan would be spliced with a dolphin. He is powerful and intelligent, but also really delicate! Maybe it is because his constantly-oiled body really strongly resembles the water-slick skin of a dolphin leaping from the watery depths, but somehow or other, this feels right. The dolphin splice would give him the power to alternate the halves of his brain that sleep, so he can devote all 24 hours to making women feel like art.


tito from magic mike next to a picture of a pelican
pelican via Roman Odintsov on Pexels

Tito would be spliced with a pelican — specifically this pelican, who is the fourth google image result when you search “sexy pelican”. He can mix up his gourmet frozen yogurt and serve it to you out of his mouth. I would be kind of into that, honestly. Like a weird, sexy, mother bird. His pelican splice would give him the power to fly straight into our hearts.


ken from magic mike next to a picture of a sea turtle
turtle via Richard Segal on Pexels

Look at this turtle and try to convince me that he is not perfect for Ken. They are both just so chill. But! that’s not all there is to them! Ken, like this turtle, is protected by his outer shell — if you try coming back into his life without putting your whole heart into the friendship process, he will know and he will not make it easy for you. But, if your friendship is genuine, then you will come to know his softest inner being. His turtle powers would allow him to slow his heart rate down in cold weather/during meditation, to achieve the chillest chill.


richie from magic mike next to a picture of a horse
horse via Pixabay on Pexels

Richie would be spliced with a horse. This is, of course, not surprising (because he is ~hung~). Truly, there is no other option for him. But, I think I can come up with a little more to put behind this decision. For one, Richie is powerful, like a horse. But, sometimes that power can distract us from the fact that he is Very Sensitive, also like a horse. Richie is a sweet boy, and he just wants to settle down with a kind and generous woman who is able to handle his impressive endowment. This splicing would give him the power to see ghosts.


mike from magic mike next to a picture of a golden retriever
dog via Helena Lopes on Pexels

Mike would be spliced with a golden retriever. We all know this. We’ve discussed it before! I know it seems like he would be a generic wolf, à la his very literal Jupiter Ascending counterpart, Caine. But, Channing Tatum is a very talented actor, and he is capable of portraying a wide range of loveable, canine-related hunks. His golden retriever splicing would give him the power to love us all unconditionally; but, since he already does that, it just gives him a heightened sense of smell.

Honorable Mention:


andre from magic mike next to a picture of a coy parrot
parrot via Rutpratheep Nilpechr on Pexels

Get A Load of this very coy parrot. That’s Andre. He is small, but he is smart and insightful. Just as your weird aunt’s pet parrot can cut you to the quick with just a “crone alone! ~squa~ crone alone!” so too can Andre see your soul laid bare. However! Andre would never use that vulnerability against you — he sees the truth of your being and he exalts you for your courage. This splicing would make him Even Better at whistling.

This merry band of sweet boys deserves a Jupiter Ascending AU, where they roadtrip around the galaxy, bringing joy and delight to all; where they strip their way out of capitalism’s systemic oppression, and prove that the real RegeneX alternative was Friendship all along!

Jenny Mott

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.
A collage featuring the top 10 crones of the year for 2023.

Crones of the Year 2023

As we spiral ever further towards certain catastrophe on this interminable mortal coil, there are some lights of hope that pass fleetingly by. Most often: the crones or otherwise eternal baddies found in all of our favorite escapist media. And so we present our top ten 2023 Crones of the Year.

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