Mass Effect Love Horoscopes

We all know that greater forces in the galaxy massively affect your romantic life. We consulted some space crones deep in the Zakera Ward about your love lines, so, you’re welcome. Read and behold, but remember, space crone realness comes at a price, so be prepared for knowledge you can never un-know.

Liara T’soni

You’re mature and responsible, and were probably the oldest child. You’ve referred to your love as “my sweet blueberry” at least once, at first in your head, and then accidentally out loud. But you just rolled with it. Your power color is lavender.

Kaiden Alenko

You actually enjoy AXE body spray on a man. You find sweaty awkwardness more charming than other people do. You’re a big fan of The New Girl. Your power color is cerise.

Ashley Williams

Your grandparents watch a lot of Fox News and you’re not sure how to feel about it. You don’t own a gun, but maybe you should? You keep thinking about it, but you’ll decide later. Nobody knows that you were an English major. Your power color is fuchsia.

Tali’Zorah vas Neema Normandy

You don’t want people to know that you spend a lot of time on Reddit looking at pictures of pugs wearing party hats. People might think that you’re closed off, but underneath your protective layers, you wear your heart on your sleeve. Your power color is indigo.

Garrus Vakarian

We know you’re here for this one — don’t lie. You try to keep things casual, you try to keep things open, but in your heart, you believe in true love. Once you’re committed, you’re all in, and you’ll calibrate your relationship until it runs at optimal levels. You don’t mean to be showy, but you are. Don’t forget to rein it in a little sometimes, because let’s face it, that booty is out of this world (we assume). Your power color is all of them.

Jacob Taylor

You are actually Jennifer Aniston, and we’re sorry people won’t drop that whole Brad thing. You are used to disappointment, and your power color is eggshell.

Thane Krios

You love Shakespearian literature, like, a lot, and people are kind of annoyed about it. You could stand to quote sonnets a little less often. Sometimes you feel like a sidekick in your own life. You’d rather die than let your Audible subscription expire. Your power color is chartreuse.

Miranda Lawson

You’re all business, you don’t like kids, and if you ever get a pet, it will be one of those weird, hairless cats. You like to get bossed around a little bit, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just be sure to remember your safe word. Your power color is steel.

Jack

You wish you had a dark and gritty past, but you’re actually from the suburbs and your parents are really nice. You went through a rap-rock stage as a teen. You’re going to get a tattoo any day now, as soon as you figure out what you’re going to get (or so you’ve been saying for years). Your power color is black like your soul, or red like blood.

Samara

You’re closed off and low-maintenance, and you’re kind of proud of that. But you know, it won’t kill you to let people in every once in a while. Also, this is close as you’re going to get to boning a Jedi. Your power color is crimson.

Morinth

What’s wrong with you? You have no power color, no color for you.

Samantha Traynor

Your parents paid for your college education and you’re not really sure how money works, but you should probably deal with that mounting credit card debt sooner rather than later. Your power color is olive.

Kelly Chambers

You believe that labels are for soup cans. You’re really into the Green party, and aren’t known for your subtlety. Your favorite movie is Legally Blonde and your power color is hot pink.

Steve Cortez

You know there are rules about rebounding, but you’re pretty sure those rules were made to be broken. You have the emotional intelligence of a walnut, but people find that endearing. Your power color is vermilion.

James Vega

The Marvel movies are the best things that have ever happened to you. You’re the only person on tumblr who prefers Chris Hemsworth to Tom Hiddleston, and you’re not sure what the big deal is. You cried during The Notebook, and you always call your mother. Your power color is rose.

Urdnot Wrex

Nobody can see through a tough exterior like you do. You always have control of the remote. You’ve been accused of being a blanket hog, and have no intention of changing anytime soon. Your power color is maroon.

Admiral David Anderson

You believe that men, like wine, only improve with age. You enjoy full-bodied cabernets and some smoked gouda. Age ain’t nothing but a number. You’re more attracted to Harrison Ford now than when he was helping Luke destroy the Death Star. Your power color is silver.

Javik

People say you date assholes, but it’s just that nobody knows them like you do. Do you mind if we recommend some critical reading? The Five Love Languages. Your power color is cobalt.

Dr. Karin Chakwas

No manic pixie dream girls for you — you’re not intimidated by women who are smarter than you. Learn how to hold your liquor and maybe senpai will notice you this year. Your power color is periwinkle.

EDI

You value honesty over anything else, and Netflix knows how much you love your dry, inaccessible British sitcoms. You’re kind of a know-it-all, and don’t mind pretending to have all the answers. Your power color is ultra-marine.

Jeff “Joker” Moreau

You like to be one of the guys, and you can talk shit with the best of them. People admire this about you. You like scruffy dudes and Old Spice. You know how to do your own taxes. Your power color is burnt orange.

Mordin Solus

You don’t take it that hard if your feelings aren’t returned — you only lust after people you admire. Your childhood love of Bill Nye is manifesting in weird ways as an adult. You’re too embarrassed to join your local musical theater troupe, but you’ve always secretly hoped for someone you can harmonize with. Your power color is alabaster.

Diana Allers

You sometimes wonder how you keep ending up as as somebody else’s rebound. We think you deserve better. Dust yourself off, turn off Real Housewives of Whatever, and treat yourself. You need a partner, and a bra, that can support you. Your power color is wine.

Kasumi Goto

The staff at the mall are tired of your blatant PDA. You need to tone it down. You’re not as sneaky as you think you are. We know you’ve got a bunch of unpublished blog posts lamenting your lost loves, no matter how cool you act in public. We know because we’ve read them, and we approve. Your power color is plum.

Legion

You had sea monkeys as a kid and they all died. You’ve killed every Tamagotchi you ever had, too. Great job. But, you’re a sucker for lost causes, and you always try to see the potential in people, especially the ones you love. Your power color is graphite.

Harbinger

We know you feel these intense attractions sometimes. You tend to lose yourself completely in your relationships, and sometimes feel like you’re being absorbed by your partner. You’re sometimes indecisive in the face of big decisions, but once you’re on a path, you can’t stop until you see things through. You cannot escape your destiny, Shepard. Your power color is the void.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.
CC Calanthe

CC Calanthe

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
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