Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion

An illustrated guide to your an assortment of banal feelings, based on horrifying medieval art

February 23, 2018 at 11:56 am

We can learn a lot from medieval art — maybe not how to deal with our current global hellscape or adapt to a world rapidly shaped by plague, but you know, there’s still a lot to unpack there. Here are some medieval woodcuts to validate even your most petty gripes.


 

When your slightly younger friend brags about doing their taxes all by themselves.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion taxes

 

When you lovingly rubberneck your high school nemesis’s Facebook drama, but you still work in a soul-crushing, windowless office building.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion facebook drama

 

When you show up an hour and a half late to a party but brought beer and paper plates.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion beer and paper plates

 

When you get a notification that someone tagged you in a photo.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion tagged photo

 

When you get out of a bad relationship and your friends show up to finally say everything they’ve been holding in about your shitbird ex.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion friends

 

When your friends tell you that you don’t really need braces.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion monster with bad teeth

 

When you can viscerally feel how disappointed your younger self would be in how things have turned out.

 

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion harpy stepping out of its own discarded skin

 

When you think about avoiding your high school reunion and then realized it happened three years ago.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion the hands!! of time!!

 

When your good pal Impostor Syndrome drops by.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion monster holding human head

 

When you’re 29 and it’s your birthday and you can celebrate the weight of your years treading across this hell-earth if you want to, damn it!!!!!

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion skeleton banging on drum on top of its pelvis in front of horrified onlookers

 

When you get any text at 3AM.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion a v persistent unicorn with a very long horn

 

When he is gonna listen to that podcast you recommended, one way or another, goddamn it.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion woman pouring poison into man's ear

 

When you accidentally post it to the group chat.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion setting a city on fire

 

 

When you’re a millennial who doesn’t really get hyped about the zodiac.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion crowd lowering a nonplussed witch into a lake

 

When your entire friend group edges deeper and deeper into socialism.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion friendship circle (of witches)

 

When you cheer on the teens standing up to corrupt politicians and silently retweet them without commentary because they’ve got a better handle on things than you do and you’re roughly twice their age.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion praying woman with sword in throat

 

When you’re horny on main.

Medieval Woodcuts For Every Occasion woman looking into demon butt

 


 

A special thanks to the many museums, universities, and other research institutions that make medieval woodcuts both available and accessible, mostly within the public domain.These images have been lightly cleaned up, but not significantly retouched otherwise. You can find many of the woodcuts within this post on The British Museum website. Please give them money so that they can continue unearthing spooky butt demons we can show you in posts like these. 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!