The COVID Delta variant might be spiking, but you know what’s worse than potentially joining the ranks of vaccinated people who have contracted this unpredictable pandemic strain? Your boss spending even one more day with his kids, apparently. If you’ve been fortunate enough to work remotely this past year and a half, you might find yourself forced back into the grind of waking up early, wearing uncomfortable pants, and crying in your car. But don’t worry, you’re not alone! We’re sending some medieval woodcuts to accompany you on this journey.
Spotting that your office’s official COVID / mask / telework guidelines literally recommend using your best judgment while reflecting on where your internal risk/reward calculus has landed you over the years:
Sneezing in an open office plan:
Greeting the brand-new biome thriving within an open, pre-pandemic bag of trail mix tucked away in your desk drawer:
HR trying to lure your workforce back with free food (Surprise!! All you can eat Dominos coupon combo pizza):
Meeting with your maskless office leadership (make an appointment in reception, COVID!!!):
Re-experiencing the thrill of a bumper-to-bumper mid-commute check engine light (since you haven’t gotten your oil changed since mid 2019):
Noticing that the after-hours workplace wellness yoga class is back on the menu:
Making an appearance at the socially distanced indoor happy hour:
Feeling good about waking up early enough to take the bus right up until it arrives at your stop:
Scrying that the sun, the stars, the moon, the CDC, OSHA, and your local and (red) state COVID guidelines have finally aligned so you can work from home again:
Extending your mask as far as possible to minimize your societally obligated facial grooming / makeup routine:
Blessedly reuniting after 8+ grueling hours of not seeing your dog at all:
Listening to friends gripe about their fancy bitch return-to-office problems after weathering the pandemic in a customer service job:
Whether you’re staying home another year or three or you’ve been working in the line of anti-mask weirdos since day one, we’re all united in one thing: laboring under capitalism during a global pandemic. So please, y’all — stay safe, mask up, and be kind to yourselves as we hang in there a little bit longer. Who knows — maybe someday soon we’ll finally get back to safely sharing enclosed space with strangers we barely tolerate.