After Square Enix’s E3 announcement regarding the second third newest Final Fantasy VII remake project, people pretty understandably lost their shit. Final Fantasy VII helped mold a generation of nerds into cosplayers, impractical sword / belt enthusiasts, and erotic fanfiction writers. Without Final Fantasy VII, would Steven Universe even exist? Would any Americans at all know about Gackt? Would the mid-aughts obsession with “bondage pants” have even happened nearly a decade after the game’s release? All of these things are possible, but Final Fantasy VII was a beautiful conduit for dorky weirdness that left a little imprint on all the baby nerds who devoted hours and hours of their adolescence to figuring out how to optimize digital bird sex, or how to not pee a little every time Emerald Weapon showed up.
POMEmag decided to think back fondly on our favorite parts of Final Fantasy VII, but to our surprise, the things that stood out most to us were a little less Aeris’ death and a little more “wow, for a guy who calls himself ‘One Winged Angel,’ Sephiroth sure has wings coming out the wazoo.” So from the highs of Cloud’s delightfully campy drag experience to the legit-terrifying-and-problematic sequences at the Honey Bee Inn, we present a thorough recap of the most important events of Final Fantasy VII, through our nostalgia-tinted lenses.
- But why though, for everything about this part of the game
- Isn’t he wearing a wig? Why did he wear a wig that is just his normal hair plus pigtails????
- Do not Google image search “Cloud crossdressing” unless you’re really hankering for some risque My Little Pony crossover fanart for this scene. Yes, SafeSearch was on. But if SafeSearch is a digital condom, crossover Final Fantasy erotic fanart is the internet equivalent of HPV. There is really nothing you can do to avoid it other than throwing your computer out of the window.
- A whole bunch of stuff in this sequence of the game is super homophobic and tinged with an undertone of sexual assault
- What is “Bubby” anyway???
- I mean speaking of weird homophobic stereotypes, do yall remember that squat competition with the potentially crossdressing gym bros? What was that all about?
- If they Sailor Moon Crystal this shit and leave the gross and problematic stuff in because it was in the original, POMEmag retracts our excited endorsement for this game.
- Mr. B was definitely a staple of my party though
- But also…………………uh…………………………….why……………….localization team, why?????????
- 1 out of 2 POME crones did not know the big cat was a robot
- 2 out of 2 POME crones appreciate but still don’t really understand Cait Sith either way
- Hojo, go home, you are drunk
- Hojo, you are a bad scientist
- I mean, you are a bad guy, and a scientist, but you are also bad at being a scientist
- We are ignorant Americans so we are just going to say “Aeris” and yall are going to have to deal with it.
- What are you even gonna do with one wing anyway
- I mean I think he figured it out because by the end of the game he had like 5 wings
- But seriously do you need a prime number of wings? Is it a vestigial wing?
- Like all of the other acronyms in this game, SOLDIER is real dumb
- Nothing we say about Vincent could possibly be any better than what Vincent has to say about Vincent
- “Too much hope is the opposite of despair… An overpowering love may consume you in the end”
- “That was my sin, and this…this is my punishment.”
- Vincent Valentine: “I have nothing to say.”
Yuffie Kisaragi: “That’s okay, it was probably depressing anyway.”
- The only crimes Tifa ever committed were crimes of fashion
- #queen
- #teamtifa
- #shotsfired
So anyway, if you need us, we’ll be over here anxiously waiting for this conduit to our childhoods to come out for a million years. But hey, it could be worse — it could be Kingdom Hearts 3.
