“Cats are just so smart and independent,” said someone whose cat spent the last 3 hours licking the side of their couch for no discernible reason.
“Dogs are loyal and trustworthy,” said someone whose dog is currently sitting on their cheating ex’s lap, happily eating snacks and getting pets.
“Bunnies are sweet and loving, even if they don’t show it,” said someone whose rabbit bit off their cousin’s fingertip.
“My bird has a good life” said a person who plucked a creature from the sky and removed its key defining feature as an organism.
“I am neither a psychopath nor a masochist,” said a parrot owner.
“My hamster definitely loves me, or at least remembers who I am,” said someone whose pet has a lifespan half as long as 90% of their shoes.
“It’s totally legal to own this little guy,” said an exotic pet owner / person who doesn’t know the difference between legality and ethics.
“This is definitely a pet,” says a person who killed 5 goldfish in the past 6 weeks.
“A lot of people totally have these,” said the micropig owner / rookie mead homebrewer.
“Anyone can afford to own a horse,” said someone with a summer home.
“Snakes are truly the most cuddly of pets,” said the person whose boa crushes other animals to death in its fatal embrace.
“You get used to the smell,” said the ferret owner, a person who can no longer stand to be in half of their house.
“This is my pet goat,” said a person who doesn’t know what a pet is.
“I thought this decision through,” said someone who owns a monkey.
“I like animals,” said the giant lizard owner; a person who has only touched their pet 3 times this year.
“I like animals,” said God, and look how that turned out.