Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale. Are tabletop games corrupting America’s 28-year-old teens? Did the Hot Parents of Riverdale invent koolaid? Does Archie Andrews have a one-way ticket to the Getting Shanked In Teen Jail Express? Are we finally going to get that Sabrina crossover #cronetent??? Join us for even more Riverdale screaming, with a side order of cackling about the CW’s attempts to dunk on DnD.
Jenny: so, as i was watching this, i was thinking — idk that i’ll get enough out of this ep to really discuss — but then i actually looked at all the screenshots i took and man, this ep was possibly Too Much
Rachel: so much !!
CC: yeah what a Ride
Jenny: i’m honestly not sure where to start
CC: can I just say
I have my worst ever hot take and I know it’s a bad hot take but
god I Loved the amount of dunking on d&d
CC: look: I know that d&d is great and fun and all, but as the one person who doesn’t really tend to get into it, I appreciated the ridiculous bad pop culture take on tabletop games
Rachel: it’s a real Mazes and Monsters situation lol
CC: it’s just so bad and so lazy and
I loved every second of it
although I REALLY hope that in like, the next ep, they establish that like
d&d does really exist and this game is just for teens who were disappointed in the lack of actual demon summoning in real life d&d
Jenny: i mean
that would be great, but
i love the idea that they’re like: teens playing tabletop rpgs is straight up a gateway into satanism
Jenny: this bit, in particular
you can really FEEL the insecurity coming out of that writers room
CC: [kisses fingertips like a chef]
i l o v e i t
look: in this era of the adventure zone, it’s just hard to find that old school Dunking On DnD content in the world these days
I think that in our modern times, dnd can weather any shots fired from riverdale, which is actually probably personally directly influenced by satan
i will say that having the BIG MYSTERY of this season be so tied up in this shitty DnD knock off fells really disjointed after that whole DnD club the serpents started last season
did anything happen w that?
i don’t remember anyone ever mentioning it again
Rachel: one of the many, many lose ties of this show
CC: maybe this??? is supposed to be the payoff?????????
Jenny: lol and their writing is just so elevated that we philistines cannot comprehend
the real danger is not joining a gang as a teen
it’s tabletop rpgs
CC: i mean isn’t that what i’ve been saying this whole time
I REALLY HOPE with ALL OF MY HEART that the evilest evil in riverdale
more evil than all the half-baked murders so far
resulted from a dnd game all these hot parents played in their teens
i cannot wait
Jenny: i groaned so loud you guys — i hate it, but also i need it
CC: what the hell character class did hiram lodge play as
Rachel: honestly i haven’t enjoyed the show that much in a long time
until this scene
CC: oh yes
+1 to that, rachel
I am In To It
gimme that 20-years-dormant blood pact secret nonsense
Jenny: i just really want some 80s flashbacks
Rachel: ok hit me with your theories
is this like a “i know what you did last summer” scenario
Jenny: gotta be, right
like, they MUST have killed someone
CC: maybe that’s alice’s actual secret
not that she pretends like she’s not from the south side even though apparently her whole dnd crew knew too
but that she murdered someone? with their help???
idk I’m sure it’ll turn out to be the same shit we’ve seen before but with a twist, like the least popular parent was also a murderer the whole time, but who knows at this point
maybe that’s where jug’s mom is
in a dnd prison hellscape of some kind
maybe that’s actually what iowa is
was she in iowa?
that sounds right
Jenny: just like, there’s a dnd prison hellscape in the midwest somewhere and no one can disprove it
i will not be convinced otherwise
Rachel: is that what stranger things is based on??
i’ve cracked the code
Jenny: p sure that’s exactly it
my theory though
is that there had to have been some kind of ritual sacrifice and that magic is at least a little bit real
so that season 4 can crossover w sabrina
it all comes back to that and i will never give up the dream
the big clue for hermione was the blue lips
so maybe they just secretly invented kool aid and it’s been poisoning the youth for generations
causing seizures etc
(in the world of riverdale — i’m not looking to get sued by kool aid)
Rachel: oh and it’s gotta have some connection to the farm right??
Jenny: yeah def
Rachel: like, that girl from the farm was there when Ethel’s seizure was happening
Jenny: that evelyn evernever is probably a witch
Jenny: she’s got red hair, for one thing
Rachel: that is such a good witch name though
CC: evelyn evernever
Jenny: it’s true
a great name
i mean, she was there for ethel’s seizure and for betty’s, so there’s def some connection
CC: lol i’m sorry guys i’m not on Team Evernever
i just felt like: girl. shit or get off the pot. do ur spooky bullshit or don’t just stop dragging it out!!!
are you a witch or aren’t you?????
do we have that gif?
CC: i’ve got a video, more or less:
CC: what do you think, rachel?
what do you think these shady ass parents are up to
Rachel: well my first thought was definitely some kind of ritual sacrifice
or a seance gone bad
I want to know if molly was involved too!
Jenny: oh please!! i need more molly in this show!
Rachel: the original red haired witch
well, also maybe penelope
also, this is a stretch BUT
what if evelyn evernever is Madame Satan
in the comics she poses as a new teacher
I could totally see the CW adapting that to the new student
i will say
that i couldn’t find anything about an edward evernever in the original comics?
i could be wrong
but it seems like this whole storyline was invented from whole cloth
which is kind of a bummer! frankly!
there was so much from last season!
CC: they did a great job picking the Most Riverdale Name Possible, tho
but what about mama fratelli and that lovecraft shit
or the hunter who gave them a ride
there was so much promise in that ep
CC: lol what if mama fratelli literally just retired
ha ha ha ha ha
the character, not the actor
Rachel: “i’m getting too old for this shit”
she mumbles under her breath
Jenny: i’d watch a show about that
CC: “terrifying teens was fun and all but I these menacing toilet paper cozies aren’t gonna knit themselves”
Jenny: lol yes
i need it
Rachel: so, how did we feel about the return of our boy Joaquin??
i was bummed out 😞
Jenny: yeah he ended up being kind of a bummer!
Rachel: did your time helping Archie and the gang mean nothing to you Joaquin????
CC: ugh he’s so terrible but he’s also so fine
he really is!!
CC: HIS EYES THO
Jenny: yeah he looked great
Rachel: well, if he’s back in town, he better not get between Kevin and my sweet son Moose
Jenny: oh god
Rachel: who is admittedly going down a bummer path 😞
Jenny: what is the second R!
I need to know!
CC: riverdale rotc!
Jenny: o k
that’s fine then i guess
look rachel u gotta rein in ur son bc I can’t be having anybody making my sweet son kevin so darn sad
Jenny: break my heart why don’t you
CC: moose is a good boy but lbr: kevin is a straight up hunk with a heart of gold and moose is lucky to have this pure sweet ray of sunlight in his life
Rachel: yeah I’m not happy about that :disappointed:
but also I see how it’s hard for Moose as the bi-boy with the hyper masculine army dad
when you’re still leaving at home and that’s the atmosphere you’re in everyday, it’s almost more of a luxury to be out like Kevin is
wait Kevin is out isn’t he??
I mean his dad knows obviously
CC: at least this season, right???
I think he might have been out before but his dad just wasn’t ready to acknowledge it
Rachel: well, i’m not sure that Kev’s move to join the RROTC will end well
I’m worried about them both 😞
Jenny: you know who i’m worried about
there was no toni in this ep
and it’s a bummer
all we got was this
Jenny: and i need more
Rachel: yeah!! where is she!!!
CC: how dare riverdale not show any of this
i’m sure it WAS an iconic road trip
Jenny: ***fairly oddparents dad meme*** and here’s where i’d put my FOOTAGE OF CHERYL AND TONI’S ICONIC ROADTRIP TO CALIFORNIA — IF I HAD ANY
CC: that does bring me back to a point, if we’re ok talking about it now:
Jenny: go for it
CC: cheryl is so great & i treasure her every day (that I’m watching riverdale)
cheryl for president, honestly
Jenny: there’s no one i trust more
CC: “will shoot your enemies with an arrow” is the new “can get a beer with them”
CC: LOL @ cheryl needing the presidency for her college applications more than archie
is this bc archie will probably get football scholarships or whatever? or a shot at archie not getting into college
i mean i’m fine w either
but i will say
another point in cheryl’s favor
she has a firmly NO DISCRIMINATION policy. Quote: “you can’t discriminate against someone…”
Jenny: i love her
CC: what a bold move
I do feel bad for V here tho – I do see why she was trying to hard to hang onto this seat for archie, regardless of how good a president I think he’d be (not a good one honestly)
but I really appreciated that Cheryl and V both made compromises and worked through it and that Cheryl didn’t hold Veronica being unfair against her
CC: an empathetic cheryl! toni has really been good for her imo
Jenny: Cheryl really was great this ep
Rachel: all the ladies really banded together this episode
at least from a vixen’s standpoint
Rachel: you know, if it was me i would have pointed out the weirdness / inappropriateness of sexy teens dancing for imprisoned teens
but i think in the world that V lives in, this was a really nice gesture on her part
although what i thought was really awesome was her assuming a new identity, going blonde wig, and sneaking in to see Archie
CC: lol that wig
Jenny: and the wink
it was so much
CC: this whole scene at the juvenile detention center was
Jenny: the whole premise of it
was A Lot
the whole “I’m going to bring these warring gangs together with football” thing
CC: i can’t believe he pulled it off
I genuinely wondered if he was gonna get shanked LOL
Jenny: i think that would’ve made way more sense
CC: dude rolls 20s on his charisma checks every damn time
Rachel: i wonder what happened to maddog???
and what being the “maddog” is going to entail
obviously we’ll find out soon but, dang Archie can’t get a break even in juvy
Jenny: i’m like, p sure it’s going to be a rich people fight club
Jenny: like, where they make other people fight for their entertainment
Jenny: this whole thing
Rachel: obviously hiram will be there
Jenny: seems sketch
mostly i just have to wonder
why are they using teen prisoners for this?? like to what extent does the fact that they’re making children fight change the grossness of it all?
CC: this show is so strange
the riverdale teen prison pulling a stunt like this — issuing fake news with impunity despite the are several reputable witnesses (at the very least, the vixens) who can testify against them — is the most 2018 thing that has happened in this show
(PSA: PLEASE GO VOTE TODAY!)
Jenny: EARLY VOTING OPENED ON MONDAY
YOU CAN GO TO ANY POLLING LOCATION
IN TRAVIS COUNTY
CC: LITERALLY @ US WE’LL HELP U OUT
This has been
A POME Public Service Announcement (PPSA)
Jenny: like RROTC
to bring it back
Jenny: but for real: i loved mad dog
CC: me too
Jenny: i wish we’d learned his real name
he was great
a certified hunk who tells it like it is
CC: also, when did they send him to juvie, 1943??? those pinups on his wall tho
Rachel: i hope he comes back this season, that his character isn’t like a one-off
although this show does like to bring back characters again and again (Dilton, Penny, etc)
Jenny: me too!
i mean he’s probably not really dead
so i have some hope for the future
CC: nobody that hot is allowed to die in riverdale
Jenny: only ugly nerds like dilton or that weird ghost
CC: or hal cooper
Rachel: i gotta say I’m excited to meet edgar evernever
if this is a new adult that is not even a little part of what happened with the parents when they were youths, i will be surprised
Jenny: i think it’s possible we already have met him
CC: i hope he’s hot, is my take
and not just a weird old warlock
Rachel: : O
that would make sense
Jenny: but it would be great if he were hot and also nice
instead of being a forest monster
or a creepy cult leader/rapist
CC: maybe it’s all just a big misunderstanding and everybody doing witchy stuff is actually not so bad,
is what probably won’t happen at all
but i can dream
would be great
while we’re on the subject of the gargoyle king
i want to talk about princess etheline
CC: i’m so glad you brought that up
I wanted to circle back to that
god ethel I expected better from u
ur theater nerd ass should have come up with a better name
i will say that i’m at least a little on her side
if not for anything she herself did
then for they way betty reacted to hearing that she had a boyfriend
Jenny: like, i’m p firmly not on betty’s side here
like, fuck off
CC: yeah for real
that was so rude
everybody is always talking about ethel like she’s bat boy and not also super beautiful
Rachel: bets is not making great calls this season
she’s under a lot of stress and i get that but
like, tell your boyfriend who you love that you had a seizure
“maybe i really should see a therapist”
YES BETTY, YES
communicate! and also recognize that everyone in riverdale is hot
that’s just how this town works
CC: the moral of this episode tbh
Jenny: are we ready for final thoughts?
Jenny: i have a few, but they’re all really short
Jenny: is he still a constituent if he’s not old enough to vote?
CC: i think technically not?????
but I mean, almost, I guess
Jenny: he’s two years away from it
how long are mayoral terms?
Rachel: these teens all act like 28 year olds anyway
Rachel: with their hot pants and their having sex in the woods
i mean i guess that wasn’t me at 28, but still
it wasn’t me at 16 either
Jenny: riverdale is a nonsense town where teens are adults and nothing makes sense
Rachel: and everybody gets hurt
CC: the woods are gross and full of mosquitos; I think our teen selves and 28 yr old selves alike were making a solid decision opting out on that front tbh
Jenny: jug was p insufferable this ep
take that toothpick out of your mouth!
who do you think you are??
but i will also say that he did a good job being supportive
of betty and her health
he was so corny
Rachel: yeah! he didn’t react like i would have which is WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING
and then not let it go for at least a few days
Jenny: but also thoughtful
he showed a lot of restraint
Rachel: i think he probably knows how good he has it with betty
she puts up with a lot from him
Jenny: it’s true
he’s kind of garbage
CC: but to be fair: betty is mostly ok but can sometimes be kinda terrible too!
betty is kind of judgy and also a jerk!
CC: see also: reminding everybody that she’s jug’s serpent queen throughout the previous episode
still not over that L O L
Jenny: never forgive that
Rachel: here’s my final takeaway
I miss having some real focused B & V time
CC: OMG YES
where are my girls and their friendship
Rachel: they really don’t have scenes together anymore!!
Jenny: there was def a lot of good V & Cheryl friendship this ep
but i’m here for that B&V
Rachel: that’s true, i was glad to see Cheryl being so great
but i just don’t like that each of the lady’s lives only include their SO
not their BFF :disappointed:
CC: to the point where they only seem to hang out on “boning in the woods” double dates :disappointed:
Jenny: esp now that one of those SOs is in teen jail
agreed – very yikes
CC: yeah I think that B and V bring out the best in each other
V makes B less judgy and a better friend, and B keeps V humble when she needs it lol
Jenny: no i think that’s a super valid observation
and i would agree w it
v does make b actually stop and think about whether or not she was immediately right about everything
(bc i think b sort of assumes she’s always right)
and b def makes v stop and think about whether or not her elaborate revenge schemes are going too far
gives her some perspective
CC: isn’t that what friendship is all about
i hope y’all will always tell me if my elaborate revenge schemes go too far
i think our friendship is that strong
Jenny: you can count on us
my final thought is just that
when you think about it
cheerleading is really kinda counterintuitive???? in a way???
Jenny: too distracting to be helpful, you mean?
CC: idk I’d find it super distracting, if I was a sports playing person
Jenny: yeah i agree
i’d get those rhymes stuck in my head, i think
Rachel: I guess it’s really more for the audience??
but that’s not how it plays how it r-dale
CC: I mean, there’s a lot to unpack, conceptually, but at the root of it, isn’t the point to be super distracting in the first place???
like, to do cool dances and look great as heck??
Jenny: maybe to distract the other team?
we clearly all know a lot of about sports and the experience of playing sports
CC: yeah – that sounds right
this message brought to you by someone who is very bad at every sport and thus has no expertise to speak from
CC: well, this episode sure was a lot but at least we’ve got Charmed to look forward to!
here’s hoping we get more riverdale parent dnd shenanigans
Jenny: before we go for real
i just want to say that i took a look at the teaser for next week
and i wanted to leave us w this gem
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Jenny: so i think what i’m saying is we can’t give up on riverdale just yet
Rachel: I FUCKING SAW THAT
CC: I MISSED IT
IDK HOW BUT DAMN
nothing but respect for my otp
Rachel: y’all called it
the only thing that’s not accurate is that it’s not happening on top of a car
CC: WE’LL SEE