Scully and Mulder Review: Blue Apron

Scully: Mulder called me last week and said that he wanted to try Blue Apron, a weekly delivery service that sends all  the ingredients for three dinners for you to cook and eat. He claimed that because we work such late hours, a service like this would be beneficial to us. I looked at the menu online and was immediately skeptical. There were many recipes that had ingredients, or even names, that I had never heard of before. The recipes looked complicated, and there was no guarantee that I would even like what we made. Mulder smirked at my reservations, told me to stop being so negative, and informed me that he had already placed our first order. The first box arrived on a Tuesday. Everything was efficiently labeled, and all the packing material was recyclable. I found myself mildly impressed, but still harbored suspicions about the entire experiment.

Mulder: When I first heard about Blue Apron while listening to my favorite podcast (you know, the spooky one), I was immediately on board. I knew that this would be the best thing ever for me and Scully. There’s only so many times you can get a rise out of Scully by eating burgers at a cattle mutilation scene.




Scully: The first meal we prepared was the the Seared Salmon & Spinach-Walnut Pesto. We were given a hefty portion of salmon with the exact amount of ingredients we would need for the rest of the meal. Mulder cooked the salmon while I did everything else. We were lucky nothing was burned because Mulder kept asking me if I could believe how easy everything was. The food tasted good, but I was still unsure about the rest of the meals. The next one on the menu would surely put me to the test.




Mulder: The salmon and pesto was delicious. I could only describe the purple potato and purple onion hash as out-of-this-world.




Scully: [side-eye]

Mulder: Scully looked as though she was enjoying everything but afterwards expressed scepticism that the rest of the meals would turn out as delicious. I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes.




Scully: The second meal we prepared was a Triple Pork Mazemen. Once again, Mulder just cooked the bacon and ground pork while I took care of the rest of the meal. The noodles were delivered to us extremely fresh. I do not know if I have ever seen noodles in dough form before and was certain that we were going to overcook them. The noodles came out fine, and the meal was very good. I didn’t want to try it at first, but after some persistent convincing from Mulder, I tried our meal. No one has ever accused me of being an adventurous eater.




Mulder: The Triple Pork Mazemen was so delicious, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Or, a more likely scenario, had been abducted to a utopian extraterrestrial world. The kind of world that would send its alien race to the Mayans and the Egyptians to impart their technology. The kind of the world that is written in great detail by cultures that died of thousands of years ago. The kind of world made up of Truth and Answers.

Scully: You know, Mulder, there are many things that can be added to the food in order to make it taste good. MSG, growth hormones, and an unhealthy amount of sodium are all things that can contribute to a great-tasting meal. Or at least, great-tasting to the worn-out palette of the 21st century American.

Mulder: Or, Scully, it could be aliens. I’m just asking you to keep an open mind.




Scully: The last meal was Adobo-style Chicken with Roasted Bok Choy and Jasmine Rice. Mulder was much more hands-on with this meal. He chopped the garlic, the onion, and the scallions while I prepared the rice and roasted bok choy. As you can see from the photographic evidence we took from the meal, the bok choy did not make it. Mulder grilled me on how long I had the bok choy in the oven versus what the recipe card said. He said he wanted to believe I had only left it in the oven for ten minutes like the recipe called for, but the proof was in the charred remains of the bok choy. I told him there must have been a time warp in the oven that caused the bok choy to burn. He was not amused.






Mulder: Today I learned the Truth. Cooking is much easier than I initially thought. Also, Scully has jokes.




Scully: Overall this was a very pleasant experience. Mulder and I got to eat fresh meat and produce that were delivered to us locally. We learned new cooking techniques and had the opportunity to spend time together that did not involve grotesque deaths, lies from the government, or arguing about the merits of the National Enquirer as a legitimate news source.

Mulder: I can’t believe more people don’t know about Blue Apron. I suspect a government cover up. I will have to do further investigation. This case remains open.


Brittney Martinez

Brittney Martinez

Brittney is a big femmy feminist who loves books. Like, really loves books. She's also a psychology nerd who is silently diagnosing you during conversations. When not in her armchair, she loves hanging out with her boy toy and her pup.
A collage featuring the top 10 crones of the year for 2023.

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