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Summer Snack Defense Strategies

Ant/Bro-Proof Your Poolside Snacks

Summer is well underway and we’re all tired of sweating and complaining to each other about how hot it is and how humid it is and asking if it’s fall yet. But there are more vexing aspects of summer than just sunburns and unfortunate sweat stains. I speak, of course, of ants and bros, the two biggest nuisances to peaceful poolside summer snacking–both want your snacks and neither know how to take a hint. Here are some ways to remain unbothered by male and insect pestilence as you eat these delicious summer snacks.

 

Chips

Not sure what makes a dehydrating snack so appealing, but apparently everyone likes to be parched as they have fun in the sun and some men assume that because this snack comes in a large bag it’s meant for sharing. Feel free to disabuse them of this notion with extreme prejudice.

Most Likely Threat: Bros. They can hear the crunch over music and screaming children.

Snack Defense Strategy: Maintain eye contact and loudly continue to eat your chips until the man-child who dared to interrupt your personal time gives up and goes away.

 

Ice Cream

The minute they see you holding an ice cream cone, ants will arrive and man-babies will ask you: Where did you get that? Do you have any to share? Is that chocolate? Like they are not adults with access to currency and the ability to purchase their own frozen dairy treats.

Most Likely Threat: Bros and ants. Practice constant vigilance.

Snack Defense Strategy: An invisibility cloak would be a bit much, but a strong spell to shift attention elsewhere wouldn’t be amiss.

 

Otter Pops

Also known as freezer pops, these tend to be purchased in a fit of glee when it’s 100 degrees out and then languish all summer in your freezer because no one person can earnestly consume fifty popsicles in a single summer. You will likely eat three in a row and leave the wrappers on the ground, and that lingering sugary goodness is a siren song for ants if ever there was one.

Most Likely Threat: Ants. So many ants.

Snack Defense Strategy: Throw away your trash in a timely manner like a decent human being so you can enjoy more otter pops later. No one likes a litterer.

 

Ants on a Log

Not to be too on the nose here, but obviously ants will be drawn to their namesake. Bros aren’t likely to bother you for this treat, unless it’s to ask if you’re still in grade school, but you can never be too careful.

Most Likely Threat: Ants

Snack Defense Strategy: Ants are persistent and pernicious and pesky. Cast some sort of minor warding spell to keep insects from coming too close to your treats.

 

Weird Melons

These show up in the summer months in your CSA boxes and at the more hippy grocery stores, so you commit to trying something new and now you’re being hassled for it. Ants love this shit and men will comment on how healthy your snack is; like, just let me live, bro.

Most Likely Threat: Ants

Snack Defense Strategy: Not too much of a draw, so don’t waste your magic. A withering look over your sunglasses should do the trick. (Very effective on two-legged pests, results may vary with the six-legged variety.)

 

Punch

Not so much a snack as a delicious, refreshing beverage (often augmented with a healthy splash of alcohol) that neither man nor insect can resist. It’s perfect for relaxing on a too-hot summer’s day.

Most Likely Threat: Bros who think enjoying a drink in solitude is a crime

Snack Defense Strategy: A large stick to whack shins that wander too close to your cup (and to crush ants as necessary) should be all that you need.

 

Pizza

Is there anything better than ordering pizza to the pool? Children stare enviously, ants perk up their antennae, and bros are like, hey lil mama let me whisper in ya ear.

Most Likely Threat: Bros, obviously

Snack Defense Strategy: Half the fun of eating pizza at the pool is making everyone sad that they don’t have pizza themselves. Thus, don’t even think about an invisibility spell, but definitely cast strong wards to keep your lounger free of potential pizza thieves.

 


 

 

Assuming climate change hasn’t ruined our seasons for good, winter is coming. Eventually. Hopefully. But until then, whatever your summer plan is to endure the heat, just make sure you’re prepared to defend your snacks as needed.

 

Jessika Rieck

Jessika disapproves of nametags, a certain Dido song, period piece films (except for Belle; that can stay), British literature, and many other things that probably bring you joy. She loves the phrase "tire fires," and wild owls flock to her wherever she goes, assisting with her daily chores. If you want to make her laugh, just mention "prancercise."

© 2014 - 2017 Jessika Rieck and POMEgranate Magazine

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