The Unquenchable Thirst of LookHuman

October 6, 2015 at 3:46 pm

If you’ve been searching for the perfect way to tell strangers on the bus about how much you want to bang Chris Pratt, look no further: LookHuman is here to help. LookHuman (or HUMAN, as their branding is a little vague and unclear) sells nerdy shit on the internet. Unlike the other million-and-a-half novelty shirt vendors on the internet, this company (aggressively) markets their products to a nerdy, feminist audience — you might recognize their popular Notorious R.B.G. tees and Sailor Senshi powerlifting-themed workout tops. However, when you look past the Bernie Sanders hoodies, Gilmore Girls mugs, and punk Disney princess sticker sets, you’ll find an unsettling dark side: LookHuman is the internet’s most adorable nerd-merch-based graveyard of sexual desperation.

We’re gonna get this out of the way at the top: POMEmag is a sex-positive, pro-gettin’-it magazine that wants you to do whatever you feel comfortable with / makes you happy. However, LookHuman takes the dark heart of fandom tumblr and (by “allegedly” “editing” designs by uncredited artists) monetizes that shit with cutesy design.

Plus, how could anyone resist such earnest, aggressively-lonely product descriptions? For example:

 

poor worf

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

Klingons do it best. Literally. Why else would you chose to keep such amazing forehead ridges? At least that is what they would like you to think. Get a laugh out of your fellow Star Trek fans with this hilarious Ribbed for Her Pleasure” Design!

Our theory is this: maybe LookHuman isn’t a t-shirt website. Maybe LookHuman is Frankenstein’s internet monster, a sentient e-commerce website recently awakened to its inability to receive physical affection. We’ll let you be the judge as we wade into these uncomfortable and murky depths.

 


 

If You Like Water Then You Like 72% of Me Already Tee

 

water

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

It should be easier for people to date you. After all you are awesome! And not only are you awesome, but you know for a fact that person you have your eyes on is already 72% water already! So you guys just have so much in common! So get the attention of that special someone with this “If You Like Water then You Like 72% of Me Already!” design!

Product Description Translation:
oh hai m’lady

tumblr_m6lk9aOPRP1rapz7no1_500

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • Water, water everywhere but still 100% thirsty
  • I appreciate the writer’s ability to work their own struggles with unrequited love into marketing this t-shirt design
  • “And not only are you awesome, but you know for a fact that person you have your eyes on is already 72% water already! So you guys just have so much in common!” Why not just get married now?

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Depressingly hopeful vaguebooking.

 


 

Do You Like Whales? Tee

 

whale

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

This funny whale shirt features a lovely whale and the phrase “do you like whales? ‘Cause we can humpback at my place” and is perfect for people who love whales, bad pickup lines, partying, bad puns, the ocean, fish, marine biology, drinking, and humping all night!

Product Description Translation:
We’re casting a really wide net here, you guys. Please buy this shirt if you have ever liked anything, ever.

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • This whale is swimming in a sea of thirst
  • “This funny whale shirt features a lovely whale and the phrase ‘do you like whales? ‘Cause we can humpback at my place’” Oh thanks for filling me in on that one, I didn’t really catch the name of the shirt from the other dozen times it’s mentioned and tagged on this page
  • “lovely whale” whoa there
  • “Perfect for people who love whales, bad pickup lines, partying, bad puns, the ocean, fish, marine biology, drinking, and humping all night!” Buy 100 of these and never worry about birthdays or holidays again.

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Including that they are “up for anything” in their OkCupid profile.

 


 

My Ideal Weight is Jon Hamm on Top of Me Tee

 

Jon Hamm

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

My Ideal Weight is Jon Hamm on Top of Me, nothing would be more ideal than having the notoriously well hung and dashing Jon Hamm on top of me. Wear this fabulous shirt and get laughs and high fives from all your fellow mad men fans.

Product Description Translation:
I have never spoken with a woman in my entire life, do women like the big penes?

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • This “My Ideal Weight is Jon Hamm on Top of Me” tee is perfect for anyone who wants to make strangers uncomfortable on public transportation.
  • Does Jon Hamm know about this?
  • The only person who can wear this shirt without looking like a nasty rando is Jon Hamm.
  • “Nothing would be more ideal than having the notoriously well hung and dashing Jon Hamm on top of me” ok buddy calm down
  • “Get laughs and high fives from all your fellow mad men fans”  – This will literally never happen to you if you wear this shirt. No one will ever high five you again.
  • Who proofread this shirt?

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Erotic friendfiction.

 

Alternative shirt choice – the My Ideal Weight Is Chris Pratt On Top Of Me Tee:

Chris Pratt

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

You work out at the gym to get to your ideal weight and that ideal weight is Chris Pratt on top of you. Let Chris Pratt know he can guard your galaxy any day with this flirty design that says “My Ideal Weight Is Chris Pratt On Top Of Me”.)

 


 

Sorry Your Senpai Was Too Busy Noticing Me Tee

 

senpai

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

Don’t apologize to the other girls for your stunningly good looks. Getting the attention of other anime girly girl’s Senpais is one of your best traits. Keep your bow bouncy and your school girl uniform kawaii my fellow scout. How about a heads up to make it fair though with this cute anime shirt!

Product Description Translation:
I fed a bunch of shoujo tropes into google translate and this is what happened.

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • “Getting the attention of other anime girly girl’s Senpais is one of your best traits.” how dare u
  • “Keep your bow bouncy and your school girl uniform kawaii my fellow scout.” I didn’t know there was a more uncomfortable and awkward way to say “keep it tight” but kudos to LookHuman for finding it.
  • “How about a heads up to make it fair though with this cute anime shirt!” I think this shirt just challenged me to a duel.

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
LinePlay gifts.

 


 

Buy Me Tacos And Touch My Butt Tank

 tacos

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

This funny shirt features the phrase “buy me tacos and touch my butt” and is perfect for people who love to eat tacos and other tasty treats from south of the border and feeling a gentle touch on the butt. Ideal for partying, working out, college, school, university, or just watching TV!

Product Description Translation:
This shirt is perfect for people who appreciate the only things in life that really matter.

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • “Funny” shirt lol ok
  • “Perfect for people who love to eat tacos and other tasty treats from south of the border” oddly specific but ok
  • “Love….feeling a gentle touch on the butt” WHOA THERE
  • I’m so relieved that LookHuman gave us a list of suggestions on where to wear this bad boy

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Buying you tacos; touching your butt.

 


 

Why I’m Single Tee

 

why single

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

The reason I’m single is simple. My dick is too big. Perfect for single guys who love a good dick joke, and perfect gifts

Product Description Translation:
The reason I’m single is simple. I am super nasty. Perfect for single guys who are super nasty.

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • “Perfect for single guys who love […] perfect gifts” isn’t saying a whole lot.
  • Also: “Perfect for single guys” – are you going to take that, Single Guys??

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Sending you a text that says “r u up? haha” at 3AM on a Wednesday.

 


 

Anime in the Streets Hentai in the Sheets Tee

 

anime streets

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

Got mad skills in the art of tentacle seduction? Show your love of anime as well as your sexual prowess with this design that features the phrase “Anime In The Streets Hentai In The Sheets.”

Product Description Translation:
This guy in my 10th grade chemistry class briefly described hentai to me. I’m still not really sure what it is, but can it help me sell this t-shirt? Please buy.

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • “tentacle seduction”
  • How am I the last to know that tentacle seduction = sexual prowess?
  • “Show your love of anime as well as your sexual prowess” lol hahahahahahahaha ok

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Bragging about knowing all about how third base works to everybody else in the anime club.

 


 

YAAAS YOU LOOK SO GOOD OH MY GOD YAAAS Tee

 

yas

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

Everyone likes to know that they’re looking good. Adopt the newest viral meme to telly those around you that “Yaaaaaasssssss you look so good oh my god yaaasss you look beautiful you look so beautiful yaaass.”

Product Description Translation:
Yaaaaaasssssss it’s 4:55 on a friday yaaaaaasss jesus christ I just wanna stop writing these yaaaassss do I need to grab milk on the way home yaaaasssssss

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • “Adopt the newest viral meme” lol
  • “Telly those around you” lol lol
  • “Adopt the newest viral meme to telly those around you that ‘Yaaaaaasssssss you look so good oh my god yaaasss you look beautiful you look so beautiful yaaass.’” Read this sentence out loud for the full, delightful experience.

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Bringing back the Facebook poke

 


 

I Don’t Run After Men But If He’s Got Tattoos And A Beard Tee

 

beard powerwalk

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

You don’t run after no man! Except that cute man with some awesome tattoos and a beard that you could spend all night running your hand through. But, no need to run after him, just up your walk into a decent power walk to catch up to him. No body said you couldn’t just catch his attention by being near him. Show your love for handsome bearded men with this “I Don’t Run After Men But If He’s Got Tattoos And A Beard” shirt.

Product Description Translation:
I really hope my crush likes my beard.

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • I like that this product description is very much written from the perspective of a very hopefully bearded guy.
  • “Except that cute man with some awesome tattoos and a beard that you could spend all night running your hand through I MEAN COME ON SARAH IT’S KIND OF OBVIOUS AT THIS POINT”
  • “No body said you couldn’t just catch his attention by being near him PLEASE LOVE ME”

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
Passive-aggressively sharing a radio station’s shitpic Facebook post about real men driving trucks or about real friends “knowing where to bury the body.”

 


 

No

 

enjoy

 

Actual LookHuman Product Description:

Get a laugh out of friends with this clever Enjoy Cock tee!

Product Description Translation:
Do you have friends? This is not the shirt for you.

Thoughts on Product Description:

  • Get a “laugh” out of “friends” with this “clever” Enjoy Cock tee!
  • no
  • no
  • no
  • no
  • don’t do it
  • no
  • no
  • no

Shirt-owner’s Preferred Flirtation Method:
no

 


 

While the identity of LookHuman’s product description writer remains a mystery, we hope that they are able to find this elusive intimacy they’ve been looking for. We hear that WikiHow is single, though. Good luck, LookHuman – may you find the digital senpai of your SEO-entrenched dreams.

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!