Wedding Planning Books I Would Buy If They Existed

Please write them for me; god help us all

August 2, 2019 at 9:00 am

Some people start planning their weddings in childhood. Some start after entering their first serious relationship. Others expect to ascend into a full-time crone lifestyle in their 30s, and plan to acquire cats in old age to save money on cremation. If you’re in the latter camp and yet — and yet — you find a person worth getting life insurance for, congratulations and welcome to Catching Up On Decades of Neglected Wedding Planning Hell. 

You might think: hey, the wedding industrial complex is inescapable! Surely there are dozens, if not hundreds, of useful wedding planning books to guide me through this process. The good news is, if you’re looking for titles like “A Cheap Chick’s Guide to Gently Used Mason Jars,” you’re in luck! But as far as I can tell, if you need more nuanced guidance, you’ll have to reach out for divine intervention. Below are ideas for all the wedding guides I wish I could throw my money at right now — ideas anybody is welcome to steal to help guide aspiring crones through every part of this terrifying and mysterious process.


  • How to Book a Wedding Venue A Week Before You Were Born
  • Tell Us How To Live: Advice from 30 Happily Married Grandparents Whose Other Opinions Won’t Ruin Your Day
  • Bachelorette Party Alternatives (for people who love their future spouse)
  • Your Non-Gender Essentialist Wedding
  • Estranged Great Aunt of The Bride: How to Acquire a Wealthy and Generous Relative Who Only Wants To See You Happy On Your Wedding Day
  • Can I Rent A Snow Cone Truck? Riding The Line Between Personal & Obnoxiously Quirky Weddings
  • Miracle Romance: A Weeaboo Bride’s Definitive Guide (to Performing A Normal Human Wedding)
  • What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting to Die Alone
  • How to Take Everyone Else’s Last Name From Them by Force if Necessary
  • Say Yes to Literally Only This Dress: 365 Jilted Victorian Spinster #Looks for Married and Unmarried Crones Alike

While we patiently wait for any of these ideas to become actual, real books, head on over to our Patreon to commiserate over the wide range of wedding guide genres we can currently peruse — from 27 different Emily Post Etiquette Guides, to Emily Post Wedding Guides, to off brand Cosmo Wedding Night Tips and beyond!

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!