The American People deserve to know what the president is hiding. And while we’re at it, we want some good dirt on his whole administration.
We’re curious about what kind of bananas tax exemptions our Cheeto-in-Chief will be claiming in April, but there are a lot more things we need to get to the bottom of — and we’re prepared to protest over all the following critical items until we know the truth.
SHOW 👏 US 👏 YOUR 👏 XANGA 👏
While our Angry Grandpa President probably never ventured all that far into Early Aughts Angst Blogging, we’re finally at that crucial precipice in American History where Millennials have political currency. Trump’s son-in-law/advisor Jared Kushner is just 36 years old — he would have been in his early 20s throughout the Age of Livejournal. Many a lofty figure has been brought low by their early internet presence — even Edward Snowden isn’t safe from reminders of his youthful enthusiasm for anime. We demand to see the adolescent / young adult angst blogs of every millennial / young Gen Xer in this administration, including aids and staffers.
SHOW 👏 US 👏 YOUR 👏 BROWSER 👏 HISTORY 👏
We’d be willing to bet a small pool of money that with the exception of maybe President Bannon*, all the Boomers in this administration use Internet Explorer as their primary web browser, and Bing as their primary search engine. Based on demographics alone, there’s no other way that could go. We demand to see and publish every ailment, stupid question, and weird porn site our brand new fearless leaders have ever failed to cloak in Incognito Mode.
*50% odds that Bannon probably uses Duck Duck Go, 50% odds he just doesn’t bother to fact check
SHOW 👏 US 👏 YOUR 👏 AMAZON 👏 PURCHASE 👏 HISTORY 👏
Trump might import all of his toilet paper from the finest and rarest redwood trees in the Sequoia National Park and order the park rangers to process it for him, but there’s no way he hasn’t impulse-bought tons of unnecessary Amazon products for at least one of his many homes and offices like the rest of us plebs. I mean, he’s bros with Jeff Bezos, so we know he’s got to have, like, Amazon Now access for anything he wants. We want to see the receipts for all the weird offbrand sex-dice-and-phthalate-infused-dildo gift baskets going in and out of those Trump towers. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
SHOW 👏 US 👏 YOUR 👏 POTTERMORE 👏 SORTING 👏 RESULTS 👏 also 👏 maybe 👏 your 👏 patronus 👏
We refuse to believe that anyone who was cognizant in the advent of The Great Pottermore Sorting Quiz of 2012 doesn’t know for sure which house they’d be sorted into. Trump may not care about being likeable, but there’s no way that vainglorious hater grandpa doesn’t take hella trivial personality quizzes on the internet. And we’re sure that his staff, full of Conservative grandpas themselves, must have been pestered by their young relatives to figure out where they’d belong at Hogwarts. While there is no way that America isn’t exclusively at the helm of Slytherins right now, we just need to have this fact confirmed — America has historically struggled with vilifying actual racists and bigots, but we don’t seem to have that same problem vilifying fictional ones.
SHOW 👏 US 👏 YOUR 👏 SPOTIFY 👏 PLAYLISTS 👏
President Obama gifted this nation with several wonderful mixtapes over the years — who can forget that classy presidential Summer Playlist of August 2016? Our spirits bolstered, we sprang forth to the polls, overwhelmed by patriotism, to keep fascists from moving into his house and ruining his legacy.
But for real: maybe we all just assumed the sad state of entertainment at the inauguration was due to musicians’ reluctance to perform there. What if Trump really does just listen to Toby Keith and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, exclusively and on constant rotation? America needs to know.
SHOW 👏 US 👏 THE 👏 DETAILS 👏 OF 👏 YOUR 👏 MOST 👏 EMOTIONALLY 👏 FRAUGHT 👏 BREAKUP / ROMANTIC 👏 REJECTION 👏
We need to find this administration’s exes, give them a pat on the back for recognizing those red flags, and help them get some visas out of here before we get an executive order penalizing anyone who gives out fake numbers at a bar.
SHOW 👏 US 👏 YOUR 👏 BIRTH 👏 CERTIFICATES 👏
No one is arguing that Donald Trump and his compatriots weren’t born in the USA. But we believe in petty, bureaucratic vengeance, and we insist that Trump, his advisors, and every legislator supporting this administration submit their official birth certificates plus two official, signed copies for public review. We simply must demand that these politicians face the unending administrative hoopla of replacing their vital documents — especially considering that they built their careers off of lobbing xenophobic slurs at President Obama and furthered those careers by making the bureaucratic hell immigrants in this country face every day even more difficult to navigate.
As Americans, we must do our due diligence. We are being led by an administration that dehumanizes the most vulnerable among us, an administration that actively works to strip many of us of our civil rights — an administration fueled and sustained by bigotry and a fear of change so steeped in white supremacy that it tacitly accepts the endorsement of actual Neo-Nazis and the KKK.
So we should probably assemble all the evidence we need to prove collectively and for all time that our country hasn’t been abducted by Snake People or infiltrated by fascist Cylons. Once we accept that this administration isn’t an event that just happened to us — that it resulted from the actions of real people, with real human weaknesses — maybe we can see it as a wall that can be demolished, rather than an impregnable fortress we’ll never reach. And we can’t speak for everyone, but we’re ready to bulldoze that wall — starting by ridiculing the bad taste of every Conservative legislator currently tearing through Best of Journey: Volume 4.