Worf Hell

Nerds love pointless merchandise. With the same inevitability as the heat-death of the universe, nerds will pick a Tardis tampon case over a plain one every time — a C3P0 toilet cleaner over a $2 Ikea one, a Starship Enterprise pizza cutter, Sailor Moon lingerie, etc. Fandoms vote with their dollars, and the more nerds love something, the wider the breadth of bizarre geek merchandise. Are you tired of seeing the universe’s greatest Klingon represented on shitty novelty t-shirts alone?  Do you want to celebrate Worf, Son of Mogh, Raised-by-Humans Klingon Weeaboo in small ways each day of your life? Get ready, because I am laying an entire galaxy of Worf memorabilia at your feet.

 


 

 

Worf Cookie Jar

via Amazon
cookie jar

 

YOU GET THE COOKIES OUT BY DECAPITATING WORF

HOW METAL IS THAT???

 


 

 

Nipple-Electrocuting Worf Lightswitch

Via Etsy

 

lightswitch

 

Easy to turn on; easy to turn off.

 


 

 

Garbage Bag Worf Costume

via Ebay

 

worf costume

 

Costume doubles as a sauna suit.

 


 

Grim Bib For Hardcore Babies

via Cafepress

bib

 

“There is no honc in killing the weal”

Words to live by.

 


 

Worf Kewpie Doll Sticker

via Redbubble

 

scary worf sticker

 

Unfortunately, the Precious Moments Klingon doll pictured above is not for sale. It’s just a sticker. On the other hand, if you head on over to Etsy, you can feast your eyes (and your cash) on….

 


 

Terrifying Plush Worf Doll

via Etsy

 

doll

 

Give this to a child you hate.

 


 

Sultry Worf Room Partition

via Overstock

 

worf partition

 

Troi is on the other side of the partition, so make sure to face that side away from you so you can really take in Worf’s soulful gaze.

 


 

 

Dax / Worf Wedding Cake Topper

Via Ebay
cake topper

 

Worf is so excited about this cake topper and I am too.

 

cake topper small

 

My only complaint is that there’s no Terrible 90s Space Wedding Dax and Worf cake toppers. Dax’s hideous wedding dress is one of my favorite parts of DS9 (right after entire Jake Sisko’s Lisa Frank onesies. The future is now! The future is jumpsuits!).  

 


 

 

Silver Worf Dong Protector / Belt Buckle

via Amazon

 

belt buckle

 

I can almost guarantee that this belt will help you keep your pants on in almost every circumstance.

 


 

 

Worf Thong

via Cafepress
worf clothing

If you can find somebody who’s into the belt buckle, I guarantee you this is going to go over really well.

 


 

 

Nightmare Worf Halloween Mask

via Amazon
worf mask

 

Lose friends and intimidate people with this delightfully soulless costume accessory. Alternatively, pair with thong and belt buckle to become the world’s most frightening-yet-honorable masked villain. The choice is yours.

And finally:

 


 

 

Assorted Worf Prepaid Visas

via Card.com

 

credit card 2

 

Buy all of the items in this post on one of these bad boys.

 

There’s also totally a card for the Klingon homeworld.

card31

 

Plus, if you’ve been waiting to be able to pay for stuff using an image of the wormhole from DS9, here’s your chance.

 


 

Honorable Mentions:

 

Feel free to just send this entire list to friends and loved ones in lieu of writing a Christmas list; I think this should just about cover everything.

 

CC Calanthe

CC Calanthe

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
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