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Annotating potential relationships with Sailor Moon’s biggest nemeses
July 11, 2017 at 12:46 pm
As far as I know, there’s no Tinder for anime bad guys — no OkCupid for space witches — so picking the right Sailor Moon villain to bring home to your ethereal Future Parents can be a really fraught process. This handy guide should help you identify which evil queen / knight / sapient anthropomorphic shoe-person you should spend the rest of your life with.
Prince Diamond (updated)
handsome in a soulful way; homeowner / small business owner
Cons: too into picking out clothes for you; always compares you to his ex and they broke up like, literally a thousand years ago — and oh yeah, he’s also an obsessive sexual predator.
The verdict: cross the street to avoid this piece of garbage
Pros: Cute; fun; takes you to all the best dating spots; just generally has amazing & inspiring taste
The verdict: you can’t handle Fish Eye
Pros: Regal; prehensile hair; lives in a spooky Antarctic castle, surrounded by hunk underlings ready and willing to do her bidding; probably a socialist (ready to protest and/or bring down an unjust monarchy at all cost)
Cons: has a bad case of whatever the evil queen version of Nice Guy Syndrome is; can “only be friends with boys”; might use mind control to get out of fighting with you
The verdict: Beryl probably needs to spend some more time focusing on Beryl before she’s ready to be in a serious relationship.
Pros: Mysterious babe; fashion forward (& essentially invented the ombre hair trend)
Cons: Ruthless and confusing
The verdict: Probably worth your inevitable death for failing to live up to her expectations of you.
Pros: Hot; ambitious; great baby bangs; has a robust career & well-rounded interests (science, murder, metaphysics); is a “Grand Magus” and while I don’t know what that means it sounds like she knows what she’s doing.
Cons: Always talks shit about her friends so she’ll probably talk shit about you too; tries a little too hard to make you happy.
The verdict: Sure, go for it (unless you have kids)
Pros: Hot anime dad; educated; knows how to diversify his business interests and real estate holdings
Cons: Questionable decision-maker; bad role model; seems more into finding a caretaker he can bone than a partner am I right?; got hot late in life so he’ll always be sending “u up? haha” DMs to his most attractive friends & Twitter followers bc he Needs that validation; trends towards tacky accessories
The verdict: no.
Pros: Has tons of loyal friends & a full life with or without you so you know she’s with you because she loves you, not because she just needs to fill a void in her life; great hair; a softie deep down (but really really deep down, like, really really really really really really deep down in there).
Cons: hair will forever clog up your drain and it’s like, she’s a queen, she’s not gonna pick up Draino on the way home; no street parking at her floating castle so it’s always a huge hassle to hang out; kitschy circus aesthetic is SO much less cute when you have to pee at 2AM and a creepy clown doll is staring you right in the face the whole time; never lets you post cute pix of the two of you together because posting anything other than A+++ top tier hot selfies will “kill her brand”
The verdict: Sure, but enjoy it for what it is because it probably won’t last forever.
Pros: has/is her own car; jaunty scarf; excellent gaydar
Cons: sort of a pushover, Too Loud
The verdict: I don’t think this relationship will get a lot of mileage before it runs out of gas & no I’m not sorry / don’t @ me
Cons: literally everything but his hair
The verdict: there’s not enough chocolate parfait in the world