#popculture

Your Guide to Dating Sailor Moon Villains

Annotating potential relationships with Sailor Moon’s biggest nemeses

As far as I know, there’s no Tinder for anime bad guys — no OkCupid for space witches — so picking the right Sailor Moon villain to bring home to your ethereal Future Parents can be a really fraught process. This handy guide should help you identify which evil queen / knight / sapient anthropomorphic shoe-person you should spend the rest of your life with.

 

 


 

Prince Diamond (updated)

Dating Sailor Moon Villains prince diamond

Pros: handsome in a soulful way; homeowner / small business owner

Cons: too into picking out clothes for you; always compares you to his ex and they broke up like, literally a thousand years ago — and oh yeah, he’s also an obsessive sexual predator.

The verdict: cross the street to avoid this piece of garbage

 

Fish Eye

Dating Sailor Moon Villains fish eye

Pros: Cute; fun; takes you to all the best dating spots; just generally has amazing & inspiring taste

Cons: mean!!!!

The verdict: you can’t handle Fish Eye

 

Queen Beryl

Dating Sailor Moon Villains Queen Beryl

Pros: Regal; prehensile hair; lives in a spooky Antarctic castle, surrounded by hunk underlings ready and willing to do her bidding; probably a socialist (ready to protest and/or bring down an unjust monarchy at all cost)

Cons: has a bad case of whatever the evil queen version of Nice Guy Syndrome is; can “only be friends with boys”; might use mind control to get out of fighting with you

The verdict: Beryl probably needs to spend some more time focusing on Beryl before she’s ready to be in a serious relationship.

 

Sailor Galaxia

Dating Sailor Moon Villains sailor galaxia

Pros: Mysterious babe; fashion forward (& essentially invented the ombre hair trend)

Cons: Ruthless and confusing

The verdict: Probably worth your inevitable death for failing to live up to her expectations of you.

 

Kaorinite

Dating Sailor Moon Villains Kaorinite

Pros: Hot; ambitious; great baby bangs; has a robust career & well-rounded interests (science, murder, metaphysics); is a “Grand Magus” and while I don’t know what that means it sounds like she knows what she’s doing.

Cons: Always talks shit about her friends so she’ll probably talk shit about you too; tries a little too hard to make you happy.

The verdict: Sure, go for it (unless you have kids)

 

Professor Tomoe

Dating Sailor Moon Villains professor tomoe

Pros: Hot anime dad; educated; knows how to diversify his business interests and real estate holdings

Cons: Questionable decision-maker; bad role model; seems more into finding a caretaker he can bone than a partner am I right?; got hot late in life so he’ll always be sending “u up? haha” DMs to his most attractive friends & Twitter followers bc he Needs that validation; trends towards tacky accessories

The verdict: no.

 

Queen Nehelenia

Dating Sailor Moon Villains Queen Nehelenia

Pros: Has tons of loyal friends & a full life with or without you so you know she’s with you because she loves you, not because she just needs to fill a void in her life; great hair; a softie deep down (but really really deep down, like, really really really really really really deep down in there).

Cons: hair will forever clog up your drain and it’s like, she’s a queen, she’s not gonna pick up Draino on the way home; no street parking at her floating castle so it’s always a huge hassle to hang out; kitschy circus aesthetic is SO much less cute when you have to pee at 2AM and a creepy clown doll is staring you right in the face the whole time;  never lets you post cute pix of the two of you together because posting anything other than A+++ top tier hot selfies will “kill her brand”

The verdict: Sure, but enjoy it for what it is because it probably won’t last forever.

 

Steering

Dating Sailor Moon Villains Steering

Pros: has/is her own car; jaunty scarf; excellent gaydar

Cons: sort of a pushover, Too Loud

The verdict: I don’t think this relationship will get a lot of mileage before it runs out of gas & no I’m not sorry / don’t @ me

 

Nephrite

Dating Sailor Moon Villains Nephrite

Pros: no

Cons: literally everything but his hair

The verdict: there’s not enough chocolate parfait in the world  

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror in blood during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

© 2014 - 2017 Carolynn Calabrese and POMEgranate Magazine

Posts

$
Personal Info

Donation Total: $1

  • XD

  • John C. Hall

    This clears up so much of the decision making for whom I would date. I liked the one with the big hair.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!