Presidents — they’re just like us! They too are mere pawns in this great cosmic game. Take a trip through America’s past as we judge these Presidents by The Stars, in this: Zodiac Presidents.
George Washington – Pisces
Of Course GW was a Pisces. Literally what could be more Extra than REVOLUTION??
Thomas Jefferson – Aries
Harry Truman – Taurus
No one does “Stubbornly Standing By Their Bad Decisions” better than a Taurus, and there’s no better bad decision than nuclear war.
John F. Kennedy – Gemini
People were so worried about his being the First Catholic President, but they should’ve been worried about the fact that he was the First Gemini President. It took America 184 years to elect a two-faced Gemini, and we should’ve stopped with this one.
Calvin Coolidge – Cancer
In typical Cancer fashion, Calvin Coolidge got stuck cleaning up his predecessor’s scandal. So what if his investigations were lax and he was firing pardons out of a t-shirt cannon? He just wants everyone to get along and move on!
Bill Clinton – Leo
I think we all saw that one coming.
William Howard Taft – Virgo
Like most Virgos, Taft was a methodical bureaucrat who just wanted the machine to run smoothly, dammit.
Jimmy Carter – Libra
Jimmy Carter is a good, sweet boy and a textbook Libra — he has pure and kind intentions, but he can’t make a decision to save his life! (or the life of his country, for that matter).
James K. Polk – Scorpio
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: James K. Polk is the Jean Ralphio Saperstein of U.S. Presidents. He’s just here to get get get get-get get that stolen Mexican territory. Someone should’ve told Mexico that you just cannot trust a Scorpio.
Zachary Taylor – Sagittarius
Zachary Taylor was a Sagittarius through and through — he quietly ignored what everyone else wanted, and just did all the petty shit that he wanted to do.
Richard Nixon – Capricorn
While most Capricorns are known for being chill, they do all have hidden depths of scorching flame. Richard Nixon was a glaring reminder of Capricorn’s ability to Never Forgive.
Franklin D. Roosevelt – Aquarius
Poor, unappreciated Aquarius — FDR was faced with a tough situation, and he did better with it than anyone could’ve reasonably expected! But nowadays you only ever really hear about him when bitter Libertarians bring him up just to knock him down, because they think Socialism is for the birds. “No one cares about Public Works Projects and Artists Collectives anymore”, they say. To which FDR and I say “But maybe we should!!”
There’s something really satisfying in pretending that these men were never really self-actualized enough to make a decision — that everything was foretold by the movement of the universe and they were never really in control. These are some of the most powerful people in the history of our nation, and their decisions have shaped this hellscape we’ve all been cursed to share. So, I mean, if there’s anything I can do to take that power away from these men and give it to The Stars, I’m going to.
But honestly, when I consider just HOW EASILY these assholes fit their signs, maybe there’s some truth to this Stars business after all.
P.S. Did you really think I could finish this article without a Ted Cruz/Zodiac Killer joke?? Ted Cruz is a Capricorn, and (as much as I hate the idea that Ted Cruz might be able to do anything competently) only a Capricorn could murder a bunch of women 50 years ago and still be chill enough to not get officially caught.