Don’t you think the end of May is the perfect time to rekindle and complete your most recent attempts to #konmari Spring Clean that disgusting grotto you call home? Ha ha girl, just kidding: we know you’re a pizza-devouring trash god like the rest of us. Nice try, Marie Kondo! Hit the road, and take your guide to not living like a sapient trash can with you!
But let’s be real for a second: deep in the heart of your trash home is probably a trash dresser filled with all the clothes too ugly or ill-fitted to deserve a place in the giant, unfolded heap of laundry in a basket / on your floor. And in that trash dresser is probably a bunch of old pairs of underwear you bought sometime during that period of time where people were still really into Mad Men.
Think about those sad, lonely pairs of underwear — somehow, they’ve been in your life long enough to make it back into a dresser drawer. They’ve endured countless shitty-college-apartment-washing-machine cycles. They’ve outlived relationships and probably even a few pets at this point. So in the spirit of Marie Kondo, goddess of spring cleaning / guilt tripping, we encourage you to throw those ancient, lovingly-worn underwears in the trash and replace them with a whole host of new underwear from whence they came: Target. You know, that store with the hour-long telenovela-and-prestige-dramedy-themed commercials? The place where almost every human woman in your life buys most of her personal belongings? Yeah, that place. So once you get to a stopping point with tidying up your hearth and washing your janky bras, we’re going shopping!
Women’s Cotton Lace Bikini – Gilligan & O’Malley
This simple, cotton floral bikini brief is perfect for tapping into your feminine side during your busy, everyday life — and for bonding with Jamie when you show up 30 minutes early to a girls-only movie night and she’s still folding her clothes (like some kind of Type A cleanliness gladiator or something, jesus). When you unintentionally blurt out “I have those, too!” while she’s folding them and an awkward silence descends upon the room, at least you know that your discount panties game is on-point.
Women’s Wide Lace Cotton Hipster – Xhilaration
In the heart of every woman’s dresser is a pair of loud-print Target underwear so hideous, she doesn’t even use them as period panties because that would mean wearing them more frequently — but considering that they fit well, it’s a little ridiculous to throw away a perfectly good pair of $5 underwear, right? Since your spring cleaning purge probably removed your current pair of Hideous Print underwear from your life, it’s time to look for a replacement. These wide lace hipsters are cozy, breathable, and look great on your former college roommate who never wore pants at home. Casual Amy is a beacon of body positivity and her cool confidence somehow makes this despicable print look like less of an affront to god and nature. How does she do this? How can she pull off this Saved By The Bell title card monstrosity? Buy them because they seemed like a less terrible idea before you tried wearing them, keep them because you’ve got another 5 years until your guilt at throwing them away “for no reason” subsides.
Women’s Lace Cheeky – Xhilaration
Va-va-voom! That’s what your boyfriend will be saying about this lacy little black number when he receives a very poorly-timed sext right in front of you during a fun dinner date. Like your boyfriend’s excuses, this pair of underwear is full of holes; like the future of your relationship with said boyfriend, wearing these panties will give you plenty of room to breathe. And hey, at least your fuckboy ex’s new fling is trapped in the same underwear price point as you are! This was no Victoria’s Secret-wearing sidepiece, no — just a salt-of-the-earth-Target-panties gal like anyone else. Go forth with an unearned feeling of fashion sophistication and an earned feeling of righteous indignation.
Women’s Laser Cut Hipster – Xhilaration
Soft, fitted, comfy, flattering — these Women’s Laser Cut Hipsters are the complete package (ha! Ha! Get it? We’re having fun!!) And best of all — as you’ll discover during a clothing swap before respectfully shrinking away in semi-closeted bisexual discomfort when six presumably heterosexual female friends/acquaintances decide that “we’re all girls here, it’s cool to change in the living room” — all of your favorite ladies are also shielding their nethers from the world in these adorable yet affordable underpants. And because your friend group is a pantheon of beautiful goddesses in all different shapes and sizes, you can take comfort in the fact that these panties really do look good on everyone.
Marie Meili Curvy Women’s Sofia Hipster – New Coral
Isn’t it time to add a flash of color to your hum-drum intimate wardrobe? Don’t these look like the perfect ensemble for a busy Friday night of eating barely-edible leftover Domino’s and binge-watching a historical romance while your significant other is out of town? Well, too bad, because you don’t really know how these two-sizes-too-small panties got sorted into your laundry or where they came from — you’ll awkwardly take them back to your apartment complex’s laundry room, leave them on a table with an even-more-awkward note about accidentally taking them, and hope for the best. But luckily for you, you can use these orphaned briefs as #inspiration for your next fashion-focused Target run. Pick up a couple of replacement pairs — these curvy hipsters are three for $27 right now!
Keep in mind that any of these ubiquitous pairs of underwear can help you look great and feel secure in knowing that no matter how much of a weirdo you think you are, you’re still sort of the same as everyone else around you. Plus, you’ll be able to reaffirm that security every time you enter a locker room / changing room with particularly hard-to-close curtains.
Got a favorite pair of underwear that you and every other woman walking the earth today happen to own? Leave us suggestions in the comments!
