Do you ever feel like every day since the election has been a suffocating miasma of bone-chillingly foreboding news? Does constantly receiving inescapable, moment-to-moment digital updates about the ineptitude to straight-up malevolence of Trump’s transition team leave you feeling queasy for days on end? This assessment of public places to barf will help you find the best spots for, at the very least, relieving your physical malaise while you try to figure out how to process your emotional malaise.
Your glove compartment
Pros:
- What were you using it for anyway, gloves?
- Lock the world out while you puke
- You can always roll the windows down later
Cons:
- Impossible to fully clean up, lbr
- Does puke ruin jumper cables?
- Might attract raccoons
In your boss’ desk
Pros:
- Stick it to the 1% (or close enough)
- Not your desk, not your problem (if you don’t get caught)
Cons:
- You will almost definitely get caught
- Not as accessible as other puking locations
- Temporarily elevated standard of puking might be discouraging for future pukes
In a downtown outdoor trash bin
Pros:
- Easy access
- Cleanup not your problem
- Grackle feed
Cons:
- Proximity to Street Pee
- Your puke is probably the least gross thing in that trash can
- Don’t encourage the grackles
Public Restroom (single occupancy)
Pros:
- Private enough to avoid setting off a public barfing chain reaction
- Spacious enough to avoid getting caught in your own blast radius
- Plenty of cleanup materials for stray pukes
- Multiple surfaces to choose from (if you are a horrible person)
Cons:
- Potential poop smell
- Public toilet contagions inescapable
- Everyone who has to poop in there will hate you
Public Restroom (stalls)
Pros:
- Moderate privacy
- Stall doors block others from seeing your grim & nasty visage
- Convenient toilet paper, if you need it
Cons:
- Confined space = getting caught in your own puke blast radius
- Poop smell in surround sound
- Chance of having to look a stranger in the eye
In a public park
Pros:
- Puke safely under the watchful gaze of our heroic National Parks Service
- Nourish your local ecosystem
Cons:
- Might get wrongly arrested for public intoxication
- Your local ecosystem is 60% grackles, 30% possums, 10% raccoons
In a trashbag-lined purse
Pros:
- Convenient for onslaughts of mobile bad news while waiting in line
- Easier cleanup
- Most stylish way to be perpetually queasy
Cons:
- Impossible to avoid gross cloud of barf smell
- Necessitates finding alternative storage solution for collection of crappy drugstore lipsticks
Just, anywhere. Literally anywhere, these days.
Pros:
- Feel your feelings
- Everything happens so much
- We live in an inescapable miasma of horrifying news
Cons:
- Relegating everyone around you to nauseous misery
