If a youth spent consuming media has taught our generation anything, it’s that achieving a picturesque romantic relationship is the single most important thing that any human being can do. And sure, everybody says that their ideal relationship is one in which you mainline an entire season of House of Cards in your sweatpants over two boxes of discount pizza, but come on — you know that when you’re alone, you’re watching some BBC masterpiece theater Jane Austen TV movie for the 50th time, dreaming of shit-talking a handsome Regency dude into falling in love after he sees into your salty, salty heart. Right?
Everybody wants to be loved by someone who understands them perfectly. That’s what makes enjoying other people’s romances such a satisfying and demoralizing spectator sport. As flawed individuals with large pores and stubby hands, watching beautiful weirdos compliment each other can be pretty addictive. With that in mind, reach deep into the back of your fridge, pull out that stale cheesy bread, and enjoy some couples whose perfect, beautiful love exemplifies why you will die alone and get eaten by the 14 cats that you will almost certainly acquire.
Morticia and Gomez
For these two, “going to the bone zone” is both a metaphor and not a metaphor at the same time, and that’s just beautiful.
Ben and Leslie
Think about all of the reasons that anyone has ever found you annoying, and imagine somebody loving those qualities the most, out of everything else you bring to the table. Now, go to this Pinterest board. Finally, weep, but try to keep your cats from licking up those salty tears. They don’t need any encouragement.
Michiru and Haruka
You and your significant other will ascend to True Love Heaven the moment you are able to perfect the Haruka and Michiru Synchronized Smirk-and-Knowing-Look Combo.
Clownfish and Anemone
This anemone is the underwater wildlife your mom warned you about — callous, dangerous, and toxic. But this cute little clownfish brings out the warm, nurturing side of the anemone that most of us will never see.
Two half-cookies left in a box at work overnight
Brought together by fate and circumstance, two cookies were torn asunder by your on-again, off-again dieting coworkers. Some might say, oh, those cookies are damaged, they’ve been literally ripped in two. But these two stale, broken, forgotten cookies are in it for the long haul — the long haul to the garbage can, as nobody wanted to eat them.
A cat and a fox who love each other and are best friends
You will never feel this level of joy. You will never be a fucking stoked little fox, or an aloof, floofy kitty with a heart of gold.
Novelty salt and pepper shaker set
It’s just, like, some couples are just made for each other, you know? And nothing — not even a yardsale or three — can tear them apart.
Friendly acquaintances from college who are engaged now
As you only see these two at parties in full Being Your Best Self For Social Media mode, you don’t really have to endure Michael’s tendency to insist on “house rules” for every single goddamned board game or Katie’s inability to put dirty clothes in a hamper, so they are pretty much The Most Perfect Love That Has Ever Been.
Your relationship with the 14 cats that will inevitably eat you when you die
What could be more comforting than knowing that those that loved you best will live on after you are gone? Even though you’re alone in a cottage full of novelty salt-and-pepper shakers and wide-eyed porcelain dolls that whisper to you when you’re trying to sleep, you can take comfort in the fact that these kitties will see that you return to the earth from whence you came.
