Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 14: “The Hills Have Eyes.” Welcome back to 3 Olds Yelling At Teens, Riverdale Style! Join us for a lot of well-deserved gloating and a celebration of our new favorite Riverdale Power Couple.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
Rachel: ok I want to start by saying
I am so mad that y’all were right
like, in a good way though
CC: I have so much unwarranted pride in my out-of-left-field riverdale predictions lol
all that remains is alice/FP on that cop car 2018
Rachel: I 100% believe in y’alls collective ability to manifest whatever you want in this show
OR
further proof the writers are reading our round tables
Proof, and not at all hubris, and I won’t hear otherwise
Jenny: that’s why there are so many breaks in the season — they have to put our ideas into action
CC: I mean like, either we are legit clairvoyant geniuses OR the plot mechanism fueling this show taps into everything we know about soap operas
Jenny: or
barring soap operas
bad fanfiction from middle school
CC: yeah like
look
at the end of the day
isn’t all shipping just thinking these 2 hot people would be good for each other??
isn’t that just the heart of shipping?
I mean, imo obvz
Rachel: Also that’s the name of my new memoir, “the heart of shipping”
CC: also LOL at Veronica’s Teen As Hell Bad Idea
the most Teen any of these 30 year old teens have ever been, to come up with an idea that bad
Jenny: honestly
the only other time they were believably teens was
Rachel: LOL yes!!
CC: so what should the couple name be for the newest power couple in riverdale
Jenny: choni?
Jenny: teryl
CC: …cheri! (cheryl / toni)
Jenny: cheri!
cute
CC: i mean it’s not a full portmanteau but def sounds nice
I think somebody like cheryl needs a gf who is easygoing and down to earth
wishing this blessed couple all the best
Jenny: same
CC: GOD. GOD!!!!!
Rachel: Cryinnggggg
CC: look man
all these queer teens going to the product placement movie
made me think “why the fuck is this show supposed to be about other characters” a few times ngl
Jenny: honestly i would so much rather watch kev’s josie-themed musical than the nonsense at Lodge Lodge
Rachel: Yes!
Although I did appreciate Lodge Lodge
CC: Look like, do y’all get ads for the movie they showed in this ep too??
just trying to make sure I’m not crazy
but I swear to god I have legit gotten ads for it on hulu
Jenny: oh same
def not crazy
Rachel: I have def seen ads
Jenny: while we’re on other characters though
i do want to revel in the return of midge, however bittersweet
like 1) i think moose could be honest w her — i think she’d be understanding and kind
but 2)
Jenny: PINK! VELVET! MOTORCYCLE JACKET!
Rachel: a true icon
Jenny: her other great look was, like, a faux leather, gray moto jacket
she is the queen of moto jackets
Rachel: did you see how Moose had a pic of Midge in his locker?
so sweet ;-;
Jenny: yes!
i firmly believe that he cares about her
enjoys spending time w her
CC: ok I am glad y’all brought this up bc I have a lot of thoughts about this plot point
when moose said that midge knew all about him and kevin I like
I honestly wondered if riverdale was gonna break from soap opera type and really go into moose as a bi character
I feel like the “closeted guy learns self acceptance plot” has been done a lot more than “messy bi teen has to figure his shit out”
Rachel: amen
CC: esp featuring a bi male character! a lot of stories about bi characters focus on how they inevitably learn that they are gay or straight
I think it is possible that riverdale is gonna do more with this but I think at this point it could go either way
re: moose being legit bi or moose closeting himself and using midge as a beard (edited)
Jenny: but def this part broke my heart
Rachel: ;-;
Jenny: i just want good things for all of them
open and honest communication!
acceptance!
CC: also i will say it is a v queer teen thing to do, dating the queerest opposite sex teen you can before you come out he he he
Jenny: midge is the closest the cw can afford to crj
pink velvet!
moto jacket!
Rachel: crj??
Jenny: carly rae jepsen
Rachel: omg
I’m so old
I legit googled it
did you know a CRJ is a type of bombardier?
CC: look man I only got on the crj train after Ashley dropped a few songs from emotion on the pomesgiving playlist in 2016
Jenny: i just googled bombardier
Rachel: LOL
CC: we’re all learning today
Rachel: learning and growing
as people, as friends
riverdale enthusiasts
CC: as style icons
upping our moto jacket game
collectively, as a publication
Rachel: gotta check out Target’s moto jacket options
CC: ((((proposing pink lady pome jackets for our first luxury item once pome strikes it big))))
Jenny: YES
Rachel: +1
Jenny: speaking of aspirations
Jenny: got some more thistlehouse coming at you
that chandelier!
Rachel: the vines on this house are true #goals
I told my coworker today that my aesthetic was “professional witch” and this is really what I meant by it
fucking vines everywhere
Jenny: it’s a GOOD look
CC: you are both of those things
you have lived that dream
u inspire me every day
Rachel: thank u
Thistlehouse is the true inspiration
CC: the only thing wrong with it is that the mean ghost living in it is gr8 at personal insults
ban cheryl’s mom from this show
Rachel: I HATE mean moms
Jenny: she’s absolutely the worst
also, her “one chance at true happiness”???
CC: yeah like LOL
ok
Rachel: yeah god!!!
CC: good luck with that
hal cooper is an outhouse transfigured into a man
Jenny: for real
v knows it
CC: i mean i think both dads share a little blame on this one haha
Jenny: they’re bad dads
CC: brent
Rachel: omg this!!!
what the hell!!!
don’t you know these teens are going to fornicate
and it is on YOUR WATCH, HIRAM
CC: they even filled it with liquor and mixers
smdh
Rachel: yes!!!!!
it’s dang irresponsible parenting
Jenny: it was like every activity they did was accompanied w V CASUAL drinking
what the fuck cw
what are you feeding the youth??
CC: hiram rn
Jenny: lololololololololololololol
CC: (sorry rachel haha)
also hot tub
my high school experience trended towards a lot more drinking soda out of party cups and watching anime
and a lot less towards
fancy cocktails in a hot tub
Rachel: I was a teen nerd so our drink of choice was this
because it was the early aughts
and that’s what you did
CC: OMFG
GOD
i forgot about bawls
Rachel: I’m so sorry to have resurrected this mess from our collective teen nerd past lol
CC: teens today man
no idea what we went through
Rachel: I mean I have absolutely no connection to the youths so as far as I know
riverdale is a 100% accurate portrayal of average american adolescents
CC: so like, who else here legit wondered if archie and jughead were gonna kiss
Rachel: I DID
I ALSO WONDERED
CC: not even with any interest just curiosity
Rachel: I mean maybe a bit of interest tho
I’m basic and I like it when 2 good looking people lock lips
CC: you know, I think for me it’s just disinterest in archie lol
idk! v called me out as well when she called bughead out for tortured brooding
Jenny: i mean lbr i was like, same girl (re: watching archie chop wood) — could apply that look to watching him do other things
CC: i guess he
really knows how to
handle wood
Rachel: OMG
get ouuttttttt
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
i do want to say though
that veronica was honestly pretty shitty this ep
Jenny: like, don’t pressure him after you make up some dumb reason to kiss his best friend
also
don’t pressure him at all
Jenny: and this
kind of a dick move
Rachel: lol this was pretty shitty
like, y even
CC: that felt like they were really going for a gag from the comics
Jenny: oh yeah nvm i could see that
CC: i mean i am p sure i remember a comic where this exact thing happens but that might just be an amalgam of every archie comic i read as a kid
but also
I hated that dynamic of V from the comics bc it’s like
“women right????”
Jenny: yeah
the source material on this is not great
CC: so one thing i noticed this episode
the adults are just as horny as the teens
Rachel: the writers of this show don’t understand how anybody could not be extremely horny 100% of the time
CC: also, like, v flirting with the ol country store guy
something in the water out there
Jenny: oof
yeah that part was Not Great
also
when she went up to the bedroom w him
i honestly was concerned about the direction this writer room might have chosen
Jenny: like, thank god they did not take it into the bad porn home invasion thing — thank god is was about rural people being angry about classism
CC: but ALSO
more money than they’ve seen in a year?
I thought this was a rich crime family resort town
I thought like, all the neighbors chose this rich crime family forest village for the ~ privacy and discretion ~
Jenny: yeah agreed
but also maybe i’m a little disconnected from just that degree of extravagant wealth?
maybe they for real just carry around big wads of cash and rub it in the faces of cashiers
more likely scenario:
this writers room is full of shitty writers
exhibit 100000:
Jenny: this is one of them
one of the shitty writers
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: but at least there is some comfort in knowing that the respect themselves even less than we do
Rachel: yeah what a line to write in here
Jenny: the context for this, ofc, being the explanation of why betty and veronica had to kiss in the pilot
CC: maybe it’s a salty writer who was hired starting in season 2
Jenny: makes sense
but then they turn around and write this drivel
Rachel: no jenny, it’s ~*~ deep ~*~
Jenny: ooh you’ve compared your social life to a powder keg
as if that’s a relatable example of anyone, let alone teens, in this, the modern era
has jughead ever seen a powder keg?? i know i haven’t
why not try coming up w a simile that ties in to your actual life
CC: i’m sure they sell them at sephora
Jenny: lolol
CC: hehehe i’m on my A-game today lol
hire me riverdale writer’s room
Jenny: @cw hire cc
CC: dragging y’all along with me
we can’t pull these melodrama deep cuts unless the triangle is complete~~
Jenny: a triangle committed to bringing you more moments like this
good dad!
Jenny: so proud of his son!
no one’s losing their homes and it’s all bc of my boy! he stood up to the man!
so proud!
Rachel: I’m so glad we’re still getting so much FP
there used to be a time when it was so rare
CC: he’s proud jug did it without cutting 2 square inches of flesh off of anybody’s arm this time
Rachel: that is an improvement
oh wait
wait wait wait
we forgot to talk about THE LOOKS
V’s AMAZING SWIMSUIT ROBE THING
like Cruella Deville but BETTER and less evil
Jenny: oh god yes
Rachel: I guess we did talk about looks (Midge) but this one just really jumped out at me
Jenny: it was a great look
CC: i was mostly so blinded by both cheryl and toni that I kinda wasn’t as attentive to the other looks as I usually am lol
Rachel: haha totally fair
Jenny: cheryl WAS great this ep
as was Josie
i know when jug apologized about writing that shitty article
we were like — good on you, jug. recognizing your mistakes
and i feel like josie did that really well here too
Rachel: Josie really was great here
(and always, but especially here)
also I really liked Cheryl’s toned down makeup here!
like she always looks amazing but they really use her makeup to let you see her be vulnerable
Jenny: i think the costume/makeup department is p thoughtful
not like, madmen thoughtful, but still p thoughtful
CC: definitely the most attentive dept on riverdale imo
Jenny: i mean, the sets do a good job too
CC: true!
Jenny: those pillows in the lodge lodge all had the “the shining” print on them
which, like — okay; but also: makes sense
CC: josie and kevin are 2 of my fave characters in this show
and I am really excited to see them in more scenes together
underutilized by the writers for sure
Jenny: they are great and i want to see the musical they make together
CC: same
Rachel: @cw please give us this show as a spin-off
Jenny: they need something to fill now that netflix has sabrina
CC: the glee of musical theater but actually fun to watch
Rachel: lol drag em
Jenny: i’d be so down for that
just showtunes
all showtunes all the time
that’s the only time glee was good for me
Rachel: final thoughts y’all?
Jenny: I hope Heather is introduced as a real character
Jenny: like, i hope we get to meet her
Rachel: yes!!
as long as she doesn’t get between Cheryl and Toni
but yes
CC: my final thought is mostly just general encouragement to the riverdale writers, to keep giving us the messy bullshit that keeps us coming back
Rachel: amen
my final thought is
BAN CHICK
GET HIM OFF THE SHOW
CC: get chick and mrs blossom outta here
but mostly chick
Rachel: new pitch to the CW — I just want a show where everybody is messy but happy and fulfilled
no more stupid plot points with evil characters
I’m donnneee with it
CC: yeah like everybody is good in some ways and bad in some ways and learns to figure their shit out over time
although, leaning into this hard but u can watch that show over on NBC & it is called The Good Place lol byeeeee
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.
