Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. We thought we were done with Sabrina, but Sabrina wasn’t done with us yet! There’s no place like crone(s) for the holidays, we always say (whatever that means); with that in mind, we come bearing gifts: Christmas-themed Sabrina Shouting, with a side of spooky old school Salem puppet gifs. Happy Witchmas, One And All!
Rachel: so, I fully expected this episode to be totally fluff and not have any real narrative movement
but it super did!
Jenny: it super did, for sure; but, maybe an unpopular opinion: this was a very cute disappointment
i think mostly bc of the my-mom-is-in-limbo-and-i-must-figure-out-why plotline
i was really banking on that being a big part of next season!
i really wanted some died-before-her-time mystery solving!
but this “unfinished business/i don’t trust that your aunts really love you” shit was not what i signed on for!
competition between women for who can love the most??
no thank you!!
CC: well
first: I DO agree that it was a super disappointing resolution to that mystery
like: why even bother setting up all that spooky ambiguity for this to be the entire reveal?
even though the episode was p cute and fun
BUT
I read that situation as: diana was worried that the daughter she left behind would be loved and cared for, and I didn’t so much read it as a competition? especially given the way the show implies that zelda treated diana (and mortals in general)
Jenny: fair fair; i was thinking of it more as “i don’t trust this woman, who is cold and unloving towards me, to not be cold and unloving towards my daughter; i could have done a way better job caring for my daughter because i am warm and loving as women should be”
but to be fair, probably the later bits of this read are mostly projection
CC: I mean, with these writers, it really could go in any direction LOL
Jenny: lol yeah
CC: but regardless! i thought the diana stuff was a bit disappointing but that Witch Christmas (Witchmas?) was A Delight
Jenny: for sure!
CC: pentagram wreath!!!!!
Jenny: i love it and i want it
Rachel: yeah i’m wondering how I can get the materials for this from Joann’s!
we need to have a pentagram wreath craft party
Jenny: YESYESYESYESYES
CC: 100% 100% 100%
ALSO
I think that Zelda going all out for the holidays is so perfectly 100% in character – maybe even more in character than I expected from these writers
CC: she’s just such a stern church mom
with a soft spot for appropriate, showy pier 1 holiday decor
Rachel: lol I really loved the whole spellman solstice approach
as an irreligious person, I had a moment of — how can I incorporate this folklore into my own holiday traditions???
but then I remembered that technically this IS a religion for them
CC: i mean that’s some quality #cronetent right there
Rachel: it totally was
ok let’s talk about some of the plot lines that came out in this episode
because i feel like for a holiday special, it touched on A LOT
1 — the diana stuff, obviously
but also 2 — it hinted on the weird WRA stuff!!! that holiday party Ambrose went to was ONLY dudes
CC: these warlock’s rights activists are out of control
Rachel: I’m so bummed that Ambrose is participating
Jenny: i mean, i’m really hoping he’s going to, like, take it down from the inside
Rachel: I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here, and say he’s just doing it because of Luke and also he doesn’t really understand the implications
oh that would be so great
if this bisexual mess could take down WRAs, I’m fully onboard
CC: luke is such a weird cardboard cutout of a boyfriend and ambrose deserves better
Jenny: ????????????
and ambrose definitely seemed weirded out about the whole “The Church of Night is ours, boys” bit from the s1 finale
i think he’s going to get a B plot in s2 where he infiltrates this secret society and dismantles it from the inside
CC: I certainly hope so
Jenny: meets an even cuter boy, who has a personality, and they found, like, the Democratic Socialists of the Nether Realm
CC: god satan bless
Jenny: lol
another thing from this ep, that definitely felt like a standalone holiday plot:
susie’s wax krampus thing and the gryla’s orphan poltergeists
Jenny: gryla is dope as hell in an absolutely terrifying kind of way
CC: I’d say gryla tell me how to live, but idk, I feel like just hearing her story gave me the cliffnotes of how not to live tbh
I did like that somebody finally lampshaded the “what’s with all the cannibalism” thing
Jenny: lol def
CC: even though nobody cared about them eating that one kid warlock!
earlier in the season! right??
did that happen?
did I dream it?? 2018 has just been So Much
Jenny: i think they just used his blood for sabrina’s baptism?
but maybe they ate him
they eat people in the comic
Rachel: yeah I think she says something about how it had been a while since they’d had people to eat
(zelda, I mean)
Jenny: yeah, and def there was that dream sequence in the batibat ep where zelda cooked a child
but i don’t think that really happened?
but i guess kind of the point was that it could’ve??
yeah that was def treated way differently than all the other cannibalism
maybe bc most of the cannibalism has been treated as more ritualistic?
like w the feast of feasts?
CC: real quick tho
can we talk about something real quick: how much subtle BS this episode tried to pull???
Jenny: go off
CC: first: when that corpse in the morgue attacked ambrose, the xmas music playing was “do you see what I see”
second:
ros telling susie that the elf on a shelf can eat his heart out when she saw susie’s whole Mall Elf Deal
that’s
a lot
that’s a lot, riverdale writers
so glad y’all finally found your calling with the whole netflix budget behind you
Jenny: it’s so much; and also really took me out of the whole old-timey aesthetic
like cell phones are one thing, but we don’t need to bring the elf on the shelf into this
CC: the lime bikes of the holiday season, tbh.
Rachel: lol the next thing we know, they’ll be teaching the baby the Baby Shark song
CC: lol
Jenny: (what is that?)
Rachel: (it’s a song that has been plaguing parents for months)
Jenny: (oh no)
CC: lol i got this confused with the left shark from like, 2014 bc or whenever the heck that happened
wow, just got to “daddy shark” and this kid is goin off
Jenny: oh god oh no
Rachel: according to my cousins, it is a thing that is constantly demanded by their children
Jenny: don’t let the riverdale writers know about this
keep this away from them
i don’t want to see desmelda doing this for baby leticia
it would a little bit ruin her for me
bc that’s ANOTHER plot line that these writers just kind of dismissed with this ep
we don’t get a grand solve-my-parent’s-murder mystery and we don’t get zelda’s-continued-hijinks-hiding-a-baby-from-the-church
they took so much
CC: this baby really is the world’s cutest baby
Rachel: I am at least glad that it means we hopefully have more Dezmelda in our futures
Jenny: god we’d better
CC: yeah I’m here for zelda and dezmelda coparenting
can we talk a little bit more about the wax figurine christmas demon tho
bc this guy
wow
Jenny: a real creep
CC: how no one was suspicious of him still having this god-awful 80s mannequins out after all this time is a mystery to me
Jenny: def reminded me of that one bit in american gods; where that kobold takes one very good child every year
CC: yeah me too!
Jenny: you’d think people would notice!!
a child going missing every christmas!!
and always the one who worked at santa’s village!!
Rachel: YEAH
like this is a regular christmas thing!!!
CC: you’d also think it would do more for greendale tbh
isn’t the tradeoff, a child goes missing each year in exchange for peace and prosperity in the town??
Jenny: yeah! i don’t see a whole lot of that tbh!!
CC: I don’t think it’s necessarily whoever worked at santa’s village – I think the demon says that usually he goes looking for a child but this year the perfect one came right to him
(ew)
Jenny: ah ok — like the children come to him bc he’s santa and that’s how he picks?
ugh
gross
CC: side note
Child Susie and Child Sabrina
were
also a lot
CC: that kid really nailed the “young sally draper” aesthetic
Jenny: hell yes
this was Such Good Casting for young Sabrina
such a somber child
Rachel: i’m glad to see that Sabrina nailed her aesthetic early on
headband, red coat
Jenny: honestly v impressed
CC: you just gotta find what works for you and keep doing it for the rest of your life, i always say
Jenny: you do always say that
it’s sound advice
Rachel: and I also loved how proud Suzie’s dad was of her!!
it was very cute!
“a truck, like my dad!”
Jenny: yeah!
i would love this show to give him more opportunities to be sweet and supportive
i feel like we didn’t get a lot of him in s1, and i hope we see more about susie’s relationship w her family outside of just her ghost aunt
Rachel: who was mysteriously absent this episode???
maybe she goes on holiday
CC: the ghost of christmas vacation
Jenny: well my wardwell was too busy w all this yule-dampening
Jenny: “my wardwell” was a typo but i’m here for it tbh
CC: autocorrect Knows
imo, what we got of her was fantastic
Jenny: def def def
Jenny: i love to imagine her putting this thing together
Rachel: how long it must have taken!
Jenny: getting those royal icing shingles just right
the little icicle details
crafting those gingerbread poppets
Jenny: bold move
Rachel: it’s interesting to see her without purpose
just sort of guessing as to what the dark lord wants of her
Jenny: yeah! forgotten by her dark lord! that was a really interesting moment!
CC: “would a depressed person do this??” (crafts enormous, intricate gingerbread house)
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
another thing from this ep
that i was a little disappointed by
agatha
was so willing to help sabrina
even though sabrina literally killed her
recently!
felt weird to me
felt weird not to address that
but at the same time
Jenny: who could say no to this
CC: I mean, I guess there are no hard feelings in witchcraft
sometimes you’re the murdered and sometimes you’re the murderer???
Jenny: lololol
CC: tbh, while it was v shallow, I liked that these girls have the same friendship vibe people keep pretending dudes have
where they resolve an argument by punching it out and then suddenly everything is fine and dandy
with no passive aggressiveness
except, with murder
Jenny: LOL
yes
Rachel: wow that is such an interesting point
even Sabrina! like i’d be furious at Agatha and Dorcas forever because they killed Tommy
and started down that whole chain of events
Jenny: yeah maybe that’s something she lost when she got her cool new hairdo
CC: so, do we wanna talk about diana for a minute? bc
I think we about covered it but
I do not get her and her entire deal
why did she get sabrina secretly baptized?
it seems like she was entirely more on the up and up with the church of night than I previously thought
Jenny: i mean, when she confronted gryla, she talked about, like, saint lucia on my right and the demon lucy on my left; and i think she was just looking to give sabrina the advantage of that kind of balance?
really playing the field when it comes to the fate of her daughter’s soul
CC: i’m a bitch i’m a lover i’m lucia i’m a lucy
Jenny: lol
honestly i think that the more you learn about the church of night, the more you might want to have a backup plan
so if she’s as deep in it as she says, like, it really could’ve just been, like, recognizing their corruption and wanting a different option for sabrina
but also, i imagine, once you find out that unbaptized babies go to THAT limbo, where there’s a monster running around eating souls
it makes sense that you’d, like, want to put a safeguard in place
Rachel: i’m sure at some point the show will bring back the ghost of Eddie Spellman
but until then I’m really enjoying the focus on Diana
cause Ed sounds like a dick
Jenny: def
CC: also the crown was great
Jenny: yes yes yes
Jenny: but that’s another disappointing thing about this ep bc it really implies that diana, like, finished her unfinished business
and now her soul has moved on?
and we won’t be getting more of her in s2??
i feel like they used this holiday special to tie up loose ends
which, like, good job actually doing that for once, riverdale writers
but also, i think the tied up the wrong loose ends
maybe should’ve made this ep about father blackwood dying suddenly so we don’t have to deal w his shit any more
Rachel: lolllll
I would be surprised if these loose ends were REALLY tied up tho
and if they don’t all come roaring back in s2
Jenny: fair enough
CC: the first ep next season might be like, “LOL JK that wasn’t your mom!!!”
Jenny: pull a charmed reboot on us
side note: go watched the charmed reboot; it’s good
Rachel: ohhh if that happens, my bet is that it was really Ms. Wardwell
Jenny: OOOOHHHHH
yes
would set a great precedent for my susie’s ghost aunt is fake theory
if my wardwell summoned this other fake ghost of someone else’s family member
CC: i did think that
sabrina’s mom really didn’t throw the wrench ms wardwell was preparing for into her plans
she was basically just like “hey kiddo, I’m here and not phased by you being an adult anymore and also I seem to maybe already know who harvey is?? sever all ties, love ya!”
Jenny: LOL
Rachel: haha very true
y’all ready for final thoughts?
Jenny: yeah!
CC: ooh boy am I
Jenny: my final thought is that i really hope s2 picks up w “witch epiphany” and whoever the fuck these guys are
Jenny: the guy in the middle really looks like he knows how to party
crown of horns, leather jacket, lets fuck this town up
CC: the scarier the ghost, the better the omen???
Rachel: hell yeah! also that leads really well into my final thought
which is, I wonder what the Satanic version of A Christmas Carol looks like
A Solstice Carol??
like, Scrooge isn’t feeling the Satanic spirit!
3 ghosts torture him, and he dies
the other witches eat him, happy solstice!!!
Jenny: lolololol way to bring that back around!!
CC: that brings me to my final thought!
(bear with me here y’all)
satan bless us, one and all
CC: (that’s it, that’s the whole thought LOL)
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All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.
