Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. We are back on our bullshit and so is this show! Who knew that our off-season joke content would turn out to be prophesy? Truly our third eyes have opened — praise Madam Satan. Welcome back!!
Jenny: i kind of want to start by saying that SO MUCH happened in this S3 premiere. I did actually go back and look at our season 2 finale roundtable to help me remember what was even going on
CC: oof haha I forgot! but that probably would have helped L O L
I watched the little intro thing and thought it would help me
as kiernan shipka promised that was “all I needed to know for sabrina season 3”
…..we were both wrong; I forgot so much more than I would have thought possible
Rachel: and they really did just jump right into it with this first episode
if i remember correctly, s2 ends with Sabrina like “alright, next we get my boyfriend back”
and true to her word, the girl gets it done
Jenny: yes
BUT
the thing that i had forgotten was that our girl prudence and her hot elderly bf have swords and they’re trying to track down and kill the guy from uk friends
that is a plotline i find myself VVVVV invested in and i had 100% forgotten about it
Rachel: oh wow, that was so much that we definitely need to talk about
their whole trip to new orleans
Jenny: a little cameo
from penelope blossom
CC: wait
whoa
WHAT
GOD
Rachel: yes!!! got a little excited about a potential new character
CC: I’M
SO MAD
LMAO
Jenny: i mean, it was a glamour that prudence did, so not a crossover per se, but still good
but their trip to nola in general was a real rollercoaster!
i think, like, immediately after this they hit you w
Jenny: prudence is not the only one who knows how to do a glamour, it turns out
Rachel: ho ho ho
ok so my beef with this new orleans detour is the actual portrayal of new orleans
yes, it is sweaty and hot
but god!!! i guess i do actually appreciate how over the top the outfits are
prudence’s outfit is just so much
CC: truly
Jenny: oh man yeah truly we are blessed
but honestly i think the reason i enjoyed this side plot so much was bc the main plot was just like — Too Much??
they def come out swinging in this season premiere
CC: you know what they really came out swinging with this season
CC: god
Rachel: this whole SET PIECE
Jenny: PRAISE MADAM SATAN
CC: did you see that the NAILS ARE PAINTED IN BLOOD
Rachel: also i felt really dumb for not picking this up immediately but gabe pointed out that the whole thing was a very obvious wizard of oz reference
all hail the wicked witch of the west
Jenny: oh man yeah
these set designers are really carrying the show at this point
CC: they’re carrying me personally, tbh
Jenny: but also
Jenny: love those skeletal hand epaulets
CC: just in time for the MCR revival too!
Jenny: lol god bless
Rachel: i am surprised they didn’t make this dude an actual flying monkey
maybe the show is more subtle than i give it credit for
the bar is just so low at this point lol
Jenny: lolololololol
CC: i mean he’s definitely got the Vibe down
he’s definitely channeling true flying monkey energy rn
Jenny: 100%
but also like
this is A Lot
Jenny: like– we get it!
but also it was nice to see so many familiar faces!
all the people who got killed off — tommy and uncle jessie and principal hawthorne and roz’s grandma
nice to see them reuse their cast that way
keep them working
CC: gone but not forgotten
on imdb
Jenny: in hell
but wizard of oz reference aside
i do want to get back to our girl
Jenny: finally getting the credit she deserves
the church of lilith
praise madam satan
CC: nothing has ever been more catholic than this scene, somehow
this show peaked in Queer Adult, Raised Catholic energy
this episode
Jenny: lol the part where zelda just changes the prayer and we all go along w it bc questioning is bad??
v relatable
CC: and it’s just hail mary, but lilith now haha
Jenny: PEAK
CC: that trademark riverdale subtlety we all know and love lmao
Jenny: i mean, it’s not like we can expect them to write original material
Rachel: what’s the rosarie equivalent in the church of lilith?? like what do those beads look like
Jenny: ooh
good question
little skulls?? could be cute
little pomes???
what if we just made that our brand now
Rachel: i mean, that sounds on brand already
Jenny: honestly it’s probably mostly the same as a regular rosary but instead of the crucifix part it’s just a v sexy lady
CC: does the seat of power in hell do weddings?
bc like
it’s just got a lot of aesthetic
Jenny: what a venue
Rachel: oh man and nick’s frill collar
love that that dude got paid to lay around which his shirt off and look tired
CC: i know right
Jenny: love those slave leia vibes
CC: at least no one ever has to ask out loud who this show’s demographic is
theater kids and former theater kids
i have never watched a show this committed to its vibe hahaha
Jenny: honestly the vibe is what keeps it afloat
i feel like the further i get into the season the more it’s become clear to be that RAS is really running out of source material
like
all of this wizard of oz shit
i’m p sure I WROTE THIS FANFICTION
when i was in 8th GRADE
HIRE ME NETFLIX
Rachel: ahahahahahahaha
hire her, netflix!!
CC: +1 +1 +1 +1
Jenny: all it needed was for darth vader to show up and confront our dimension-travelling witch protagonist about the truth about her parentage
which, frankly, basically happened last season
Rachel: extremely true
Jenny: i’m honestly convinced that they’ve stolen my middle school journals and that’s why it’s so predictable!
bc guess what else we read in middle school??
THE TEMPEST!!!
Jenny: like — WE GET IT
you’ve read A Book!!
CC: omg this guy
can we talk about this guy
Jenny: mr king of the sandcastles
CC: what lab did this backup hemsworth-knockoff come out of
Jenny: sandcastles in the sand
flowing puffy shirt
prominent nipples
Rachel: this dude needs to get a job
he thinks he can go from building sandcastles in a billowy shirt to being king of hell?????
the audacity
Jenny: what kind of resume
you don’t get to be a CEO when you’re fresh out of college!!
this is Hell, it’s not America
CC: LOL
his later-in-the-episode outfit also looks like it was ripped straight from xena’s
and it just bugs me!!!!
Jenny: lucy lawless or NO ONE
omg though can you imagine a lucy lawless cameo
CC: he looks like a dude that gabrielle would show interest in to make xena jealous and then betray them and die by the end of the episode
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Rachel: lol that is just an accurate evocation of this dude’s whole vibe
Jenny: truly truly just so real
CC: that, plus like,
100 relationship subreddit posts
put them together and you get this guy
casual hell beach guy
Rachel: yeah we’ve already got dorian!!!
we don’t need another handsome blonde with beachy waves!
Jenny: LOL
also dorian was great in this
Very Tutorial Quest
CC: ugh dorian just go to origins like everyone else!!!! so rude
i mean i completely get it, but still, rude
Rachel: when you need to go to origins but it’s too far out of your way and your zit is so large you don’t wanna leave the house
Jenny: lol send some teens through your portal to hell so they can retrieve a special flower that might help, maybe
only logical
CC: the gig economy has truly gone too far
Jenny: LOL
Rachel: ahahahahaha
ok let’s talk about my other two favorite gals
hilda had my favorite moment in the whole episode
Jenny: !!!
Rachel: hilda as blackwood was a joy
Jenny: i was actually v proud of the guy who plays blackwood
he did a really good job as hilda
i was Impressed
Rachel: yeah he nailed the mannerisms!
i bet that was fun while shooting
bet the whole cast had a good hoot
Jenny: i hope so!!
i hope this show is fun to make!
CC: me too
i hope it is just as silly a ride on the other side
Rachel: the musical number looked so fun!
can’t wait for sabrina to eventually join the ensemble
Jenny: ok hold on
Jenny: this was actually a bit of a sticking point w me
who is picking which songs they do and can i meet them
i just want to talk
CC: why this song???
I was wondering if something was going over my head????
or if it truly was just a really strange choice
Jenny: there seems to be NO reason at all!!!
not even vaguely witchy or spooky???
Rachel: maybe netflix already had the rights
Jenny: lol that makes sense
i feel like the season 1 soundtrack was just like — i will use EVERY SONG with “witch” or “magic” in the title
and now they have nowhere to go
but like, the band is The Fright Club
do some kim petras garage covers or something
CC: “what do the kids today like”
“‘my sherona’ and witchcraft, obviously”
Jenny: OBVIOUSLY
i just cannot figure out this decision
Rachel: also how did they teens break into Archie Andrews’s garage
netflix only has one garage set and its only flavor is Nostalgic Americana
Jenny: lol i feel like RAS just had a lot of garage band material left over from riverdale that he can’t use anymore bc archie is a criminal on the lam or whatever
CC: again????
jeez
everything that’s old is new again in riverdale hahaha
Jenny: lol idk idk
i didn’t keep watching after we collectively gave up
but tbh probably?!?! who knows!!!
in any case
riverdale cannot give me what CAoS gives me
which is:
Jenny: the moment my life has been leading to
the only goal for my future
this is what peak performance looks like!
CC: heavy is the head that wears the gold spray-painted paper mache finger crown
let me be clear tho: i love it
Rachel: it’s the best
CC: i want that hat
Jenny: oh of COURSE
and also like
Rachel: these line had me CACKLING
here’s my other potentially unpopular opinion: sabrina does not deserve to be queen of hell
Jenny: oh god popular here my dude
she’s a TEEN
CC: ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AGREED
Rachel: LILLITH DESERVES THE CROWN
CC: the line about how she knows all about hell bc she’s
in
high
school
y’all I screamed out loud
such was my rage
Rachel: lol rip us
Jenny: Our Girl Lilith has WORKED for this crown. For LITERAL MILLENNIA
CC: all these kids!
just waltzing into the underworld
demanding her crown
Jenny: how dare
Rachel: i had another moment with a line of sabrina’s
when satan said something about being disappointed in her and she shot back with “RIGHT BACK AT YA”
i shook my damn head
Jenny: smdh
CC: ok I will admit i liked that
i too am disappointed in the devil
Rachel: lol CC!!!!
CC: L O L
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Rachel: it was a very teen line, just a teen line i would have expected from the 90s
like it’s a line the fresh prince would give
but with worse delivery
CC: sabrina puts on a backwards cap and skateboards out
“later haters!!!!”
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
i’m dying!!!
laugh my ass!!!!
Rachel: she dabs
that’s how you really bring it into 2020
CC: LOL RACHEL
Rachel: you know, these so-called “teens” haven’t dabbed even once
that’s the least believable thing about this show
CC: nobody has even MENTIONED fortnight
which all my teacher friends assure me kids like????
Jenny: that’s how you know this writers room isn’t really in touch with their source material
CC: not even one fortnight. not even one 14 day sleepover in a meadow between anne shirley and her best friend diana.
Jenny: that’s what fortnight is about, right?
i’m pretty sure
Rachel: sounds right
CC: i haven’t talked to a teen since like 2013 so who knows lol
Jenny: elaborate anne of green gables video game
clearly
the teens love relatable farm content
CC: IYTTAF
Is Your Teen Texting About Farms
Jenny: LOLOLOLOL
Rachel: hahahahahaha
Jenny: you know what teens really love though
the wizard of oz?
i really don’t think that tracks
Rachel: teens love a good classic movie reference
CC: oh this guy was having such a blast
look at him
Jenny: love this edward scissorhands WoOz crossover
i do genuinely think this guy was just over the moon to be back on set
v happy for him, frankly
CC: maybe we’re wrong guys
maybe it’s not wizard of oz at all
maybe it’s just a reinterpretation of the Wicked book
Jenny: OH NO!!!!!
Rachel: AHAHA
Jenny: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CC: truly cursed content
Jenny: why would you make me read that with mine own two eyes
i’m dead
i’ve died
CC: one more thing the kids love
daphne du maurier
Jenny: yes of course
CC: ah yes, Rebecca, definitely the hot IP for the youths in 2020
Rachel: Lol more proof this content is targeted to us or ripped from us
CC: the thing that bugs me is
is this a Deep Ref, like, is Lilith the Rebecca of the Church of Night whereas Sabrina is the young protag whose name nobody remembers? (lol)
or just
“here’s a spooky book haha lol bye”
i mean – probably the latter right??????
but it BUGS ME THAT I CAN’T TELL
Jenny: i cannot imagine that they put that much thought into it
i think it must be the latter
CC: I HATE THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE
but that’s it, I’m ready for final thoughts now ha ha
Jenny: lol can’t let them get in your head like that
for instance
(my final thought)
i might be tempted to give these writers credit for something similar — references that seem to be more about themes and relationships than about name-value spoopiness
but then i remember
Jenny: they’re actually just very bad at their jobs
where did this information come from??
why does sabrina know it?
it was never mentioned before
Rachel: oh yeah that was so out of left field
CC: the wicked guy probably
Jenny: LOL
Rachel: my final thought is that i’m afraid this show is going in a real DBZ direction, with constant escalation
like, the big bad was actual Satan
and now it’s The Old Ones
and like, this is what it takes right? constantly raising stakes???
and sabrina literally went platinum, a la super saiyan
CC: GOD
YOU’RE RIGHT
FFFFFFF
Jenny: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cannot believe
Rachel: next up
CC: omg i would love that tho
Jenny: truly
CC: ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF CAoS Z
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
CC: my final thought is a story in three parts
CC: in summary:
CC: salem puppet is back baybeeeeeee
Rachel: hail lilith!!!!
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All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.
