Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. We’ve got a double feature for y’all today, and it’s all because we have absolutely no self-control! (you’re welcome) So get ready for a lot of load groaning and a well-earned sigh of relief. Finally, we are free of this.
Jenny: can i just start out by saying:
Jenny: these writers, apparently!!!
Rachel: lol
they got a taste for it and now they WON’T STOP
so for the readers at home — we are doing a double feature this week
because we can’t stand a cliffhanger
especially THIS cliffhanger
Jenny: it was bad!!
so many people died!!
CC: the chilling adventures of sabrina made us suffer so much this season
so much, and in the end so pointlessly in most ways
so it was wild that at the end of episode 8, my takeaway was
as put best by my girl edelgard
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Rachel: lol
CC: the power of no gods and anime on my side
gods: who needs em!! unless the god in question is hecate, naturally
Rachel: ok let’s do a quick recap before we get started??
i wanna talk about hecate but i feel like the context is important lol
Jenny: def! sabrina needs to get things sorted out in hell before she can get things sorted out on earth, but — oh no — there’s not really time to do both?? good thing they have that eldritch time egg from the pilot to finally bring back now!
sabrina’s off on a quest for the final item in the unholy regalia — judas’s 30 pieces of silver (housed with the first vampire — vlad the impaler — which, like: I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS); but on earth, her friends and family are struggling to fight the pagans. they fuck it up the first time, so sabrina uses the time egg to go back and get it right; it’s VERY syfy’s The Magicians. but in any case, Sabrina ends up allowing two different timelines of herself to exist at once — one in hell and one on earth, and surely there can be no repercussions??
just about everyone dies in the ‘they fuck it up the first time’ timeline, but the only person dead by the end of the ‘get it right’ timeline is dorcas
which, i mean, she’s also the only one without a title card in the intro, so i think we’ve known it was coming these past 3 seasons
CC: typical dorcas
getting killed off for real
Rachel: poor Dorcas, I had such hopes for you
I mean I’m glad Theo found love but I loved your theory Jenny
a good TheoxDorcas ship
Jenny: lol bless — resigned to ao3 i suppose
CC: look
time magic has entered the chat
it’s not too late
Jenny: A Good Point
CC: next season, everybody will be dorcas
every single character: dorcas
it might not even be the weirdest thing that’s happened so far; who knows
it would at least be a lot more fun than most of the suffering we endured this season!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
look
is that why we suffered so much? because the reset button was always coming???
how dare this show even pretend to kill dr c for real
Jenny: I KNOW
unforgivable, frankly
Rachel: we said this last time, but that would have been the thing to make us all walk away
Jenny: 100%
Rachel: was EXTREMELY relieved when he was ok!!!
CC: i was just like:
good
GOOD
Jenny: v same
bless him
CC: protecc at all costs
so
speaking of time magic
and slightly related: zoomers causing us physical pain:
CC: me:
CC: like: YES, it is an older movie than our collective ages, but
that felt like
A Lot, Sabrina
Jenny: alienating your audience a little, my girl
but then again there is that youtube video w kiernan shipka where she doesn’t know what a furby is
def felt worse
Rachel: oh no, that’s unacceptable
CC: jesus christ
that’s
as unacceptable as zelda’s amazing terrible bad old age makeup
Rachel: ok but it did seem very Zelda to have a full face, even on her deathbed
CC: so tru
Jenny: TRUE
the gloss on that lip was so much
really in control
i’m honestly a little stumped on where to start w these episodes — like there was so much going on — but i do kind of want to touch on lilith
i feel like she didn’t get a whole lot of screentime, but she def did The Most with what she got
like, 1)
Jenny: but also 2)
Jenny: hate how much sabrina has let her down that she has to be out here playing for keeps like this
Rachel: god
i hate that RAS put Lillith in this situation
CC: meeeee tooooooo
she deserved so much better
Jenny: def def def
like she’s still v much In The Game, but also @thesewriters — there are so many more and better ways for her to stay in it than to do this!!
CC: what a way to treat a consistent series MVP
Jenny: truly!!
and also
Jenny: this asshole’s reaction
“well that changes everything!”
CC: also like: of course this creep would
oF COURSE
jesus
satan, the literal devil, is so nasty
feels like something you’d say at summer bible school camp but here we are i guess LOL
Jenny: lololol v fair though!
CC: something i wanna bring up while we’re still going thru it in episode 7
bless the baxter high cheerleading team
Jenny: lol
CC: those girls are so nice and well-adjusted and patient
CC: absolutely taken for a ride
Rachel: this seemed like a stretch but honestly, the least egregious thing lol
CC: like
these girls
imagine a friend in high school inviting you to a cool new performance space and seeing this as your audience:
Jenny: troubling
CC: love 2 perform for 5 sad goths and 2 marionettes somebody left out in the rain
Jenny: definitely not weird when they all start chanting in latin in response to our performance of “Hey Mickey”
CC: only the second most anime thing that happened this episode
re:
chanting ominously in latin at a weird time
Rachel: what is the most anime thing??
CC: killing gods obvz hahahahhaha
Jenny: lolololol bless
CC: if I’d have known THAT was on the menu I’d have been less stressed out all season!!!
jk probably not honestly, but still
Rachel: that’s a good segue to the most important part of the episodes
ZELDA’S REVELATION
AND THE COVEN’S REBIRTH AS THE ORDER OF HECATE
CC: YES
YES
HERE FOR IT
Rachel: this part made me feel so seen
very targeted
Rachel: OH and the other BEST THING that we called!!!!
happened IMMEDIATELY after this!!!!
i can’t remember who posted Prudence’s knowing face but
she knew, and we knew, and we were all right
CC: it was me but we all knew
hecate bless us all
CC: love
Jenny: finally!!
they’re really going for it!
Rachel: so glad to see Zelda with somebody who is good and smart and not a total trash person of a man
CC: finally: some good news
please stay we need you
Jenny: bless us all
CC: truly truly truly
more scenes with these two just kicking back by the fire with a drink please
less scenes with blackwood
all that i want
Jenny: lol yeah i think we are owed at least one episode of mundane happiness with zelda and marie, and with hilda and c
just to establish some stakes!!
perfectly reasonable writerly reasons for it!!
definitely not just to indulge me, personally!!
CC: honestly
I feel like the big problem with this season
was just that it felt built to cause pain
there wasn’t enough of a reprieve so even though they worked to put Stakes in, they didn’t really feel like stakes as much as a really bleak status quo
i say this as a fan of catharsis in media: i would like more nice moments in this show with the full expectation that they will cause me pain later
more smooches!! less body horror!!
Jenny: give the people what they want!!
specifically:
CC: weeping
yes
please
Rachel: well, in the vein of hilda
i was glad she got her revenge, even though it was gross lol
CC: literally the only gross thing this season i enjoyed at all LOL
bc!!! it felt earned!!! Stakes!!!!!
etc
Jenny: she has def done all the best murders on this show
like when she entombed that creepy cardinal in spiderwebs last season
(as opposed to when she entombed her sweet, sweet fiance in spiderwebs this season)
just made that connection right now — love a little consistency
CC: look
can we talk about
Dr C’s super chill attitude about it
bless this man
Rachel: just happy to be alive and that his future wife is kissable again
Jenny: truly!!
“i guess i was saving you to eat later” — “i hope so” ????
Rachel: saucy!
Jenny: SAUCY!!
he’s so good
and regardless of whether or not we go in for season 4, i will probably keep watching for more of hildaXc
CC: as long as this show keeps on delivering that content, SIGH, me too
I was ready to jump off this freight train at the end of episode 7
BUT
I gUeSsSsSss
pivoting from a misogynistic god to a witch goddess and also hilda’s and zelda’s potential romantic happiness has kept me hanging on
Jenny: yeah i was just about to say that i have high hopes for next season, but lbr i do not
i think i was feeling this same kind of way about the church of lilith and we know how long that lasted
Rachel: ugh true
Jenny: definitely no ramifications to these bad decisions everyone’s making
Rachel: well, actually, if y’all are ready, that bleeds into my final thought
Jenny: go for it
Rachel: i just want a point in the show where sabrina learns something and gets better in a real, substantial way
but instead, sabrina at the end of every season:
Jenny: LOL
V REAL
Rachel: lol i do not know why, after everything, sabrina thinks she can just double herself and it’ll be FINE
CC: yeah
YUP
i’m sure that clock breaking was
definitely not symbolism
Rachel: nope, a total coincidence
ambrose:
Jenny: lol bless him
that kind of leads me to my final thought
which, like — prudence dumping ambrose feels like a bad idea, but also I get where she’s coming from
and it does open the floor to other possibilities
Jenny: ^^NOT THIS^^
BUT
Jenny: ^^THIS???^^
CC: into it
Jenny: i’m living for it???
CC: sword gfs
love
it
for the love of god
and i can’t stress this enough
HIRE JENNY, NETFLIX!!!!
Jenny: lol bless
Rachel: please!!!!
CC: I have two final thoughts but one is very dumb
#1:
CC: ^^ all the people who were warned not to come for sxsw but did anyway
(please self isolate & wash yr hands folks!!!! be safe out there!!!!!!)
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: truly
but also
i think these carnies really expected caramel apples to be a Way bigger draw than they actually are
CC: don’t they know that americans don’t have dental care
Jenny: TRULY
CC: hashtag topical hashtag content
Rachel: seriously!!
CC: #2
CC: ^^ sabrina, deciding to “marry hell” after EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS SHOW SO FAR
CC: “”””””””daddy’s angry”””””” ????????????????????????????⛔️????
Jenny: get????outta????here
CC: I know we’ll be tackling our predictions another time
(come back next week for those)
but
here’s a hint as to how I think THIS plot line is gonna end:
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
CC: goodbye season 3!!!! it’s been, uh, real!!!!!!
Jenny: ????????????????
Rachel: good bye and good riddance!
hello only to doctor cee and hilda’s wedding, which better happen in season 4!!
Jenny: 100%
All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.
