Much like your first love, you never forget your childhood favorites. I have a rolodex of memories of watching animated movies with my sister, singing and dancing around the living room, arguing over who the superior Disney princess was (I am, and forever will be, Team Princess Aurora). I have intense memories of watching and rewatching Oliver & Company with friends at a sleepover, of crying over The Land Before Time, of being bone-deep frightened of the frogs in Thumbelina.
Of course, what childhood is complete without that one thing you watched that immediately filled you with regret and then lingered in the corners of your mind for years? Maybe you watched Bambi a few years too early and it pretty much scarred you for life. Or perhaps a friend of yours decided you both should watch Watership Down — it’s about rabbits! How bad could it be? — and you 100 percent were not ready for that shit.
My entry for the “oh God why” category of childhood media is Balloon Land, the embodiment of my nightmares, and if I hadn’t been able to find it online, I would think it had been some sort of cough syrup-fueled acid trip. But no, Balloon Land is a thing that exists that pretty much no one my age has ever heard of.
Balloon Land (1935) — also known as The Pincushion Man, to give you an idea of what’s to come — is a Great Depression-era cartoon short by Max Fleischer, the man who brought Betty Boop and Popeye to life. Unfortunately, this particular tale features no characters so iconic. Instead, we’re shown an idyllic town populated with stock balloon-people who are threatened by the villainous Pincushion Man. Goaded by two children into attacking the town, the Pincushion Man lives up to his name and things rapidly go downhill.
This cartoon has been rattling around in my brain for years because it is incredibly and utterly bonkers for me to have seen it as a young child. (Obviously, I turned out fine, but still. Wouldn’t recommend this as go-to entertainment if you’re babysitting young kids.)
I remember asking friends in college if they’d ever seen–hell, ever heard of–this cartoon. Responses went one of two ways: “Wtf, no” or “OMG, why have you seen this?”
Rewatching it as a twenty-five year old doesn’t make my memories any more clear. I’m still left baffled, but I’ve learned some key life lessons:
1. Nature is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; it, like Gretchen Weiner’s hair, is full of secrets. We might feel driven to understand the truth of things — the truth is out there, after all–but if that truth involves anyone making anything out of tree jizz, I think we’re better off not knowing.
And this, kids, is where babies come from.
2. It’s totally fine to hold hands and run around with a boy you’ve just met. He’ll almost certainly love you immediately and pledge to protect you from all kinds of evil. And if it turns out that he’s the sort of boy who scoffs in the face of danger, deliberately seeks out said danger, and then leads danger right to your front door, well, then, you’re absolutely meant to be together forever. Yes, he is truly a keeper. Glomp onto him, ladies, and never let him go.
3. Doors are for chumps. There’s the saying “When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window,” but true badass mofos can bounce right over. I imagine it helps if you’re filled with helium, but don’t let that stop you from trying.
4. No lesson here, just an observation about who needs sleep when the most literal interpretation of “Pincushion Man” can live in your nightmares? He has a thimble for a hat and a not at all subtle pin to stand in for a dick. I’m trying not to look too closely because I’m pretty sure he’s giving a tutorial in autofellatio.
5. This is the most important takeaway: Police respond calmly, promptly, and without bias when in physical danger. Their weapons fire true and no innocent bystanders are ever in harm’s way.
See? Only the bad guy gets hit with . . . sap? Tree feces? Honestly I’m not sure. He’s whipped his dick out for maximum effect, though, so the police can get him on multiple counts of murder and public indecency.
Look — they even have a tank! Which they use to herd the Pincushion Man out of town, and obviously from these very unique and bizarre circumstances we can extrapolate that every small town could be equally as protected if they too were in possession of a tank. Are you listening, federal government? Tanks for all, please. We’d be ever so much safer.
6. Final lesson of this very educational seven minutes: true love conquers all. Thus, there are no consequences for this young couple, even though they’ve known each other for only a hot second and they were the ones who taunted the Pincushion Man into attacking the town. Again, ladies — hang on to this man, for clearly he is above the law and will go far in life.
I’d like to say that I feel older and wiser having rewatched this, but honestly, nothing makes sense. How this movie came into my life is a mystery that will never be solved.
Readers, what trippy childhood movies have you watched that made an impression on you? Is it weirder than mine? Let me know in the comments! This is a game of misery poker that I don’t necessarily want to win — mental scarring and emotional trauma are hardly prizes to write home about– but oh God, I just can’t help myself.
