A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 2, Episode 1

Wizards AND warlocks are cancelled in 2019

April 17, 2019 at 9:00 am

Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Sabrina is back and so are we!! Is there a Khan Academy class for sacred geometry?? WHERE does Ms. Wardwell get her shampoo?? Are 70s Sport Shorts making a comeback??? We’re diving into all this spooky nonsense and more as we recap the first episode of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Season 2.

CC: welcome back to sabrina y’all!!!!

Jenny: praise satan

Rachel: i’m so happy we’re back

Jenny: it’s good to be back on this bullshit
the spinning outfit changes to kick off the new season
classique

Rachel: a nice call back to the original show!

Jenny: yes yes yes

CC: more cute & fun than I have come to expect from this show; I was pleasantly surprised
(bc the tone seems to go between “harrowing” and “riverdale goofy self seriousness” LOL)
(love it tho)

Jenny: do we want to start w some summary? of where we left off last season?

Rachel: yes yes

Jenny: all of part 1 was about will she/won’t she sign away her soul in the dark lord’s book (she does)
now she’s fully a witch, which basically just means that she’s single and edgy

Rachel: and platinum blonde now
which i dig

Jenny: oh yes def
it’s a great look
but she’s also pulling away from her mortal life
focusing on her dark studies

CC: also this tweet, which I feel 100% about the writer’s room LOL:

Jenny: YES
bless kate leth
she gets it

Rachel: lol yes, the writers have just been told what men’s rights activists are and they’re jumping on our warlocks rights activist bandwagon
i just need it to be known we were here with that joke FIRST

Jenny: lololololololol
it’s true
we’ve had that on the back burner for YEARS

CC: we’ve got the receipts!!!
in that I think we have had warlock’s rights activists jokes in our docket since 2016 CHECKMATE, ARCHIE CINEMATIC UNIVERSE WRITERS

Jenny: it’s true
but in the world of sabrina, the warlocks rights activists are getting all riled up because sabrina (a girl) wants to be head boy of the academy
i’m sorry
excuse me — top boy

Jenny: Top Boy
that’s it
i can’t even come up w a joke for that it’s the whole joke right there on its own

Rachel: good job on all the actors for saying Top Boy so much and with such solemnity

CC: what a Title
a very serious title that isn’t goofy At All

Rachel: Sabrina can be Top Boy and Nick can be her bottom boy ho ho ho ho

Jenny: HOHOHOHOHO
we know he would be into that tbh

Rachel: oh def

CC: that’s def the energy i’m getting from him too LOL

Jenny: honestly his deference to her is really what got me to change my mind on him
like
this part

Jenny: please date me
he says
isn’t there a cool restaurant that you like?
do you want to take me there?
mayeb
pelase
a good boy

Rachel: yeah he’s really grown on me!

CC: i still have not watched episode 2 bc I am trying to take this season as it comes so I’m still on the fence
like: he’s taking good steps towards not 100% skeezing me out tho
so I’m giving him a shot
but I am PREPARED to withdraw this good will at any time, nick!!

Jenny: fair enough — but even in this ep, he takes just about every opportunity to support her, which is great (even though he always has to say some dumb and kind of skeezy thing right around when he says it)
it’s a real balancing act
(see: supporting her bid for top boy, but also saying that “he’s not afraid of a little competition; especially when it’s this damn cute.” like!! stop it!! that’s v condescending, but also thank you for the nomination)

Rachel: yeah i like how he’s not threatened by her
also he teams up with her against Blackwood and also
fuck Blackwood that guy sucks!!!!

Jenny: love to see this teamwork
but also yeah
blackwood is the pits

CC: that guy is so nasty

Jenny: for real

Jenny: after he accuses sabrina of cheating — the “punishable by lashing”
yikes yikes yikes

CC: also like
isn’t that the whole
uh
substance
of whatever pseudo relationship he has with zelda????

Jenny: !!!!!!!!!!!!
yes!!!
it is!!!

CC: NO THANKS

Jenny: VERY NO THANKS

Rachel: ewwww!!!

CC:

Jenny: lololololol

Rachel: god i love Zelda but i do not understand why she’s after this dude

CC: i humbly propose that
2019 is the year we cancel both wizards (thx JK) AND warlocks
that’s just
my idea here guys

Jenny: seconded
ratified
it’s official now
banned

Rachel: bang bang bang (that’s the gavel)

Jenny: YES
that said i do think that zelda has her eye on some prize that is outside of/more than this greaseball

CC: i certainly hope so

Jenny: i think it’s a power game and she is playing it masterfully this ep

CC: that was great tho
call him on all the garbage coming out of his mouth

Jenny: she’s v upfront about having an open and honest conversation about their relationship and he is unwilling
and so she compromises
in the best possible way
love to see women be withholding tbh

CC: if only people could withhold more things from blackwood
food……..water……..oxygen…..

Jenny: lol yes

CC: just throw him in the sea, honestly
I’m sure y’all know all about this having seen farther ahead than me, but why are we spending so much time with this trashbag and 0% time with Hilda’s diner owning possible wolfman bf????
blackwood and the literal trash demons he definitely had no part in summoning

Jenny: it def takes entirely TOO LONG to get back to Dr. C

CC: : |

Rachel: ahhhh dr C!!!!!
the only man i immediately liked in this show

Jenny: YES
this whole ep, i was waiting for it
bc they give hilda so many good moments and they just don’t even mention it??
like

Jenny: she’s the all-time reigning champion bubbler!!
of course she is!!
she’s perfect!!
and when sabrina gets sassy
YOU GO TO BED

Jenny: i love her so much

CC: same
lowkey episode MVP

Jenny: series mvp

CC: she really is a very powerful presence in this show, despite bringing that Marshmallow Peep energy and i both relate to and aspire to her whole vibe

Jenny: for real
maybe my favorite thing in this ep

Jenny: she decants the pepto bismol into little glass bottles!!

CC: just the right amount of A Little Much tbh

Jenny: TRULY!!

Rachel: omg i didn’t even NOTICE that!!

CC: you know, this is kind of a tangent but one of the things I appreciated the most in this ep
going back to the challenges
was that when blackwood was obviously going to fix that first challenge, sabrina didn’t have to “win” through like
idk
“going high”????
i was 0% upset she cheated
good for yall and f those wizards

Jenny: oh man same; i’m def pro-cheating in shitty gatekeeping tests

CC: don’t torture yourself following rules designed to make you fail

Jenny: hell yeah

CC: i also LOVE how pedantic blackwood was
waaah but u SAID u DIDNT STUDY

Jenny: lololololol

CC: boo hoo hoo cry me a river and season my cookies w ur salty tears

Rachel: also love that Prudence and the Weird Sisters helped
they are agents of chaos but I love it when the band together to get some petty vengeance

Jenny: hell yes hell yes hell yes
i really want to see prudence just murder blackwood and TAKE that family name

CC: so that kinda brings me around the long way to something I want to discuss
SO
what is wardwell’s game here y’all
i know she’s a salty demon lady but I love that she stood up for all of sabrina’s friends in the face of misogyny
but probably for evil reasons I’m sure
but still
UGH I KEEP FORGETTING YALL ARE AHEAD OF ME don’t tell me nvm
all I can say is this is compelling content and wardwell, LET ME LOVE U

Jenny: i mean, the part 1 finale had the Lilith reveal; i think it’s fair to say that she probably just hates men
like, i think she is genuinely just anti-discrimination
and loves to watch men squirm/do things when she tells them to
(see: swallow that wad in your mouth, billy; it’s principal wardwell now)

CC: i did love that
how is her hair so perfect

Jenny: i mean witchcraft

CC: whatever evil pureed goo she is using as a hair mask is doing the dark lord’s work, is all i can say

Jenny: lol def sign me up

Rachel: what do y’all think about how the show is balancing sabrina’s mortal friends with her arcane ones, now that she’s decided to go all witch?

Jenny: i think the premiere of part 2 def leaned more witch friends, but it’s fair to assume, based on this one ep, that they are going to make more of an effort to bring the mortal friends lines back around
like, they laid a lot of important groundwork
PLUS
i think the reason sabrina is shying away from them is actually v compelling and makes a lot of sense

CC: i hope the show ends in a v practical magic way with Sabrina’s witch friends and mortal friends coming together in fellowship and magic to curse bad men back into the farthest reaches of hell

Jenny: god the dream
i think part of establishing the divide between them in this ep does signal a coming together by the end of this season
i think that’s not an unreasonable conclusion to draw
(am i doing a good job of avoiding spoilers lol)
but def when hilda talks to sabrina about how she shouldn’t leave her mortal friends behind
and sabrina is like: the dark lord is going to use me for evil!

Jenny: that super got me
and i think probably sabrina is going to have to learn that she can’t protect people

Rachel: yeah and that would make sense especially since all her attempts to be helpful with magic super backfired last season
it’s interesting watching the mortal crew live their lives without Sabrina

Jenny: oh for sure!~
i love that they’re still out here pursuing their own interests
ie
pursuing my interest in those short little shorts

CC: one relevant point real quick before we move on tho – I don’t think sabrina is doing anybody ANY FAVORS by using magic intervention in that basketball team audition
uh, tryouts

Jenny: lololololol

CC: don’t @ me i don’t know about sports

Jenny: yeah, like it would be one thing if she cast a single spell that made theo permanently good at sports, but that’s def not what this was
this was v much a “every time he goes to shoot” situation
it’s not sustainable

CC: i haven’t seen haikyuu but i have it on good authority that the shorter you are, the more aerodynamic you are and therefore the better you are in all teen sports

Rachel: lol that’s accurate

Jenny: that does sound like science

Rachel: i definitely expected some immediate negative ramifications from sabrina’s spellcasting
it would have been in line with the show’s theme of “actions and consequences”

Jenny: maybe that’s part of having signed away her soul?
maybe magic just comes without cost to her now?

CC: that
doesn’t sound like magic to me LOL

Jenny: i mean not in the good narrative sense
but when have these writers been good at narrative??

CC: for every magical action, there is an inverse and emotionally devastating reaction
Actual Magic Science ™

Jenny: speaking of these writers
do y’all think “love to love you baby” is the only sexy song they know?

Rachel: that and “mad world”

Jenny: GODDDDD

Rachel: lol never forget

Jenny: f u c k
also fucking — salome
really
REALLY
stop it

Rachel: well and Dorian Gray was a surprise

Jenny: so many cameos in this ep

CC: that was
too big a pun, even for me
Dorian’s GRAY ROOM
what the actual
riverdale writers
what r u doin
ur drunk

Jenny: can you imagine

Rachel: i think they just read the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

CC: LOL
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
rachel you 100% called it
that feels accurate

Jenny: truly
but for real
can you imagine being either a soul trapped in hell for all eternity or having sold your soul to the devil and the place you choose to hang out is one shitty town in pennsylvania??
salome released from hell for one night only
dorian grey
fucking
shirley jackson
in pennsylvania!!?!? i don’t think so!
if she’s going to be anywhere it would be at the Church of Shadows that wardwell supposedly left in vermont
also terrible casting for her

Rachel: is shirley jackson a person i should know???
googling it
oh shit!!

CC: the writer who wrote The Lottery, right?

Jenny: yes
she’s a horror writer/rumored to be a witch

Rachel: and the Haunting of Hill House
that’s an interesting choice

CC: amazing

Jenny: but she would not be this petty asshole out here slut shaming eowyn
never in a million years

Rachel: yeah that seems v weird
how long until lovecraft shows up??

Jenny: LOL
GOD

CC: i mean
let she who is without sin draw a better card in the lottery in the next life
i guess
look
i was really trying here guys
i thought i could pull it all together
alas
if only I could fit in a Dorian’s GRAY HOUSE level pun in there
oh well

Jenny: lol no worries – i don’t think these writers put enough effort into selecting their cameos for anyone to be able to do anything with them

CC: all I’m saying is casting shirley jackson as a slutshaming witch feels like irony, even if it’s just irony adjacent in an alanis morissette kind of way

Jenny: lol would love to see a coven w shirley jackson and alanis morissette both tbh
this is the content i crave

CC: she’s already played god
it’s not outside her wheelhouse to just play a dark witch god or w/e

Jenny: would love to see it
sabrina writers — if you’re listening
this is the guest star to get
if stevie nicks will be on american horror story: coven, you might be able to get alanis
do we want to move into final thoughts?

CC: oh wait one more thing before we do
do we wanna talk about
that moment sabrina happened to observe at the end of the episode????
at the diner??????

Jenny: oh you mean

Jenny: i’m p sure i heard that these two are a real life thing

CC: OMG, REALLY?????

Jenny: oh yes
some hot celeb goss

Rachel: omggggg good for them!!

Jenny: i think there was an interview where the guy who plays harvey said that that the actress who plays roz is “everyone’s favorite” but that he is “her favorite”
it’s just the cutest shit i ever heard

CC: good for y’all

Rachel: awww then i’m happy they’re finding excuses for kissing on camera
also i wonder how much this is making me warm up to NIck
like i want sabrina to be happy

CC: harvey is such a next level Good Boy that nick is gonna have to work hard to be on that level, BUT, I also want Roz and Harvey to be happy and we can have it all, dang it!!!

Jenny: i believe in it
it could happen

Rachel: 100%

CC: (but ok, NOW i’m ready for final thoughts if y’all are!)

Rachel: yah!

Jenny: my final thought
is that either i don’t know what teens are like these days or these writers don’t
it’s got to be one or the other bc like
is this how young people talk??

CC: i haven’t talked to a teen in 900 years so idk either

Jenny: throwing shade AT me??
i’m so out of the loop so i can’t be sure
but i CAN be sure
that goddamn 16 year olds should not be drinking

CC: no mocktails here

Jenny: just, like
ABSINTHE

Rachel: i guess it’s that hashtag hedonist lifestyle

Jenny: lol
for that one though actually sign me up — love that day drinking, evil goop hair masks lifestyle

Rachel: i can’t say “where are the parents” because ,well, they’re satanists
i guess underage drinking is fine in comparison

Jenny: LOL
fair enough

CC: jenny you mean you DIDN’T sneak into an old boy’s club full of misogynist warlocks to drink booze with the trapped spirit of a beloved, mean queer writer???

Jenny: i know what was i thinking

CC: that brings me to my final thought, which is:
i do not understand this satanist religion At All
I mean, I get internalized misogyny as a concept. I get the internalized misogyny of women living in intense patriarchal religious settings. but what I DO NOT get is how shirley jackson is “””throwing shade at””””” zelda for the libidinous lifestyle I thought these satanists were All About????
WHAT ARE THE RULES
is it just negaverse catholicism or what

Rachel: i mean it kind of seems that way???
you’re right though, it’s very contradictory

CC: i’m a witch i’m a lover i’m a child i’m a pestilence demon

Jenny: LOL

Rachel: lollll
ok so here’s my final thought
how many hints are folks gonna have to drop before Sabrina realizes that Something Is Up with Ms. Wardwell

Jenny: lol

Rachel: like this isn’t the first time a demon has been like “don’t i know you????” in front of Sabrina

CC: GOD
i feel like even if wardwell was like “sabrina, i am the bride of satan and also i hate ur cute lil witchy guts and will actually murder you”
sabrina would be like LOL ms wardwell u kidder luv u grrrl

Jenny: lololololol
yeah she def keeps coming back to wardwell and it’s not Super clear why
like, yes she has been surprisingly knowledgeable in the past and that has been useful, but god at what point are going to stop and ask why??
why does she know so much about this??
how much can you possibly worship your father that you think of course his secretary would have this breadth of knowledge about all things satan
i think that is part of it though
like, sabrina mentions again that wardwell “used to be her father secretary” a lie that her aunts could probably dispute if she ever brought it up???

Rachel: right!!! and they’ve met her!
that’s a very riverdale-esque plothole

Jenny: def

Rachel: well, i’m still v glad sabrina is back

Jenny: god yes
even though this season is So Much
it’s still better than riverdale

Rachel: lol our bar is so low now

CC: can’t wait to see blackwood get mauled by a bear in season 3!!!!!!

Rachel: fingers crossed
!!!

Jenny: LOLOLOL YES

CC: get that bear work 2020

In the mood for evenmore Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Hot Takes? Head on over to our Patreon and check out some extra content we couldn’t fit into this post. See y’all back here next week for even more Sabrina-themed hexin’, cursin’, and cussin’.

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.