Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Murdery witchhunting youth group teens!! A Very Sweater Hulk Dr. Cerberus!!! Sabrina Spellman: Human Sword!!!! Did somebody say dracarys?? bc we’re about to light up this episode with some Sabrina Hot Takes.
CC: i literally just finished the episode and whew!!!!
Rachel: This one was a lot
Jenny: dear lord in heaven
it was so much
Rachel: Should we start with a summary?
Jenny: mormons infiltrate the church of night
sabrina is a bad friend, actually
CC: also the dark lord is a real piece of work, and wardwell’s bf is a real piece of non figurative beefcake ????
Jenny: oh man oof
Rachel: RIP Adam
CC: first among men, best among men; may he get stepped on by lilith in the great hereafter
Jenny: lol it’s what he would’ve wanted
Rachel: Ok so, to start, Luke is dead
Murdered by a Mormon
Jenny: oh def fully dead
CC: rest in pieces my dude
also
“but torturer! the only way to get in there is by cutting off my hand–WHAT ARE U DOING”
like: my guy
my buddy
my pal
really??????
Jenny: yeah he was maybe not the best
at being a spy
Rachel: He had the looks but not the brains
Jenny: ALSO! sabrina and nick have both been expelled — they are handling it differently
Jenny: nick no longer has any family or any home, so he sits in a bar and drinks
Jenny: RAS continues to act like teenagers drink in the same way and for the same reasons as adults
i don’t understand it
Rachel: I mean I am so removed from today’s youths
Maybe RAS knows better than me
Do kids today still have LAN parties??
Jenny: fair — i can only recall from my own experience, but you make a good point
maybe RAS was NOT?? a huge fucking dork in high school?
(lol unlikely though)
CC: so, important question here but are the kids at the academy actually kids?????
i mean
ambrose is #1 Boy or w/e and he’s definitely very old
Jenny: ambrose is def old but he’s not really a student
Rachel: He’s more like a TA
Jenny: that feels right
mostly, i think, my brain is more willing to reconcile underage drinking than, like, the idea that nick is, like 40-something and into this 16-year-old
BUT
that does necessarily mean that when Ambrose (who is def at least 85??) gets w Prudence, is that just like — very gross?? the age difference??
CC: ooooooof
yeah I think you bring up a very good point
Rachel: Are teen witches actually like 45??
Jenny: i get that time is different for witches but i cannot imagine this being ok, actually
CC: unless they’re all like 400 years old except sabrina??? which is still v Problematic?????
Rachel: Ewww
CC: I mean wasn’t ambrose in kahoots with guy fawkes or w/e
oh wait
the vatican
not parliament
w/e
i don’t know
Jenny: zelda is def multiple hundreds of years old
idk that “trying to blow up the vatican” was a reference to any real historical event
i guess the best explanation is that ambrose is a creep?
i don’t want to think about this any more, actually (- a quote from this writers room, i bet)
Rachel: Ok so Luke is dead and there are witch hunters out for Sabrina
And all the witches really
Jenny: yes! while nick is drinking away the pain, sabrina tries to go back to her old life
but she runs into some issues
mostly to do w the fact that she is a bad friend, actually
like — it starts w Prudence not letting her back into the academy
Jenny: prudence out here making some great points
CC: oof
that was A Lot tho
but a v good point
Jenny: sabrina all “what about when i saved you from being eaten alive??” isn’t that what friends do??
she’s not wrong
CC: that’s true
Jenny: it’s like — on the one hand, i get where prudence is coming from: sabrina is v selfish. but on the other hand, i know that prudence is only burning this bridge bc she thinks she has power now in blackwell’s stupid game
and i just want to shake her
you’re above this prudence!
CC: that seems to be a big theme in this ep imo:
women at a crossroads where they can use power they can leverage over other women by being complicit in patriarchy, vs joining forces against patriarchy
is this intentional, well, your guess is as good as mine (not holding my breath tbh???)
Jenny: lol fair
CC: but that’s what I was thinking about in the weird sisters plot and in the side plot with wardwell (which I know we’ll talk about later)
like: the weird sisters and sabrina (and zelda tbh!!!) can work together to make blackwood pay, or they can fight each other for the scraps of power that they can get from him
wardwell could try to use sabrina against the dark lord, or kill her to hurt him
idk!! Choices
Rachel: That’s a great point
I’m hoping the season culminates with these witchy babes coming together to over through their Dark Patriarchy
But god who even knows
Consistency is a problem for this show, even if it’s not as bad as riverdale
CC: i mean: whatever power you can get from a man who can’t even cut his own fingernails probably isn’t power you couldn’t just get for yourself
look
it’s not the most pithy slogan
i’m working on it
Rachel: Lol
Ok so let’s talk about Ambrose?
He’s being held in the witch’s hole or w/e and the weird sisters are torturing him
CC: witch’s
hole
????
Jenny: LOL
Rachel: Lol fuck
Y’all rickrolled me last time so I don’t trust u at all lol
Jenny: you’re right not to
but ambrose
being tortured
Rachel: YES AMBROSE
Jenny: i want to know
who the fuck is this??
where did they get him??
Rachel: God nasty dude
Also he doesn’t help out at all when the witch hunters come a callin’
So he is either lazy or not a permanent resident
Jenny: a good point! like — is he just the academy’s resident torturer? is that a live-in position? what are the benefits like? life insurance? retirement?
CC: buffy extra who’s been locked in the witch’s hole since 1997
Jenny: LOL
CC: he’s one of these guys
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: maybe defending the school just isn’t in his job description so he’s not going to do work he doesn’t get paid for
which, like, respect
but also: the opposite of respect for these bridge trolls
Rachel: He’s part of the Torturer’s Union
Jenny: yes
CC: he doesn’t get paid overtime
he doesn’t work
fair enough
Jenny: feels right to me
now if only there was literally any textual evidence
of a robust network of unions for these torture demons
oh well ????????♀️
CC: so when hilda and sabrina decide to summon the council
aka “witch amnesty international” LOL w/e
gotta say
HOW DARE YOU SUMMON US is really the only thing you’re allowed to say once summoned
a classic line
Perfect
Jenny: LOL yeah they def hit that beat
but i gotta say
CC: i really just wish * I * could yell that whenever people call me
ever
Jenny: if you’re a witches’ council, wouldn’t you think that you’d be, like — magical?
don’t you think you would have some better way of divining the truth than just eyewitness testimony?
than just “taking someone’s word for it”
CC: they probably could but just don’t want to
Jenny: i mean
that’s fair
i get that
CC: i bet they’re being paid off in basilisk tears or something
baby feet
Jenny: never worn
hilda was great this ep
CC: she def has a ship
Jenny: lol yes
i mean
she’s seen nick
she knows how untrustworthy he seems
but she really was on her game this ep
Jenny: ^^a good joke!^^
but i def think that not being able to get in touch w zelda sort of forced her to take charge and it turns out she is v good at it!
v good and v capable
CC: i mean, she def was able to size up the weird sisters and predict their shenanigans
i don’t think zelda would have done a better job honestly
Jenny: same! i think hilda did a great job manipulating the wyrd sisters
and i also think she did a great job manipulating
THAT DICK
CC: LOL
Rachel: LOL
CC: i swear to god the minute those mormons walked into dr c’s shop i was just
yelling if they lay ONE FINGER ON HIM I’M OUTTTTT
Jenny: oh but they are the ones who should be afraid
Jenny: i’m trembling
CC: what a sweater hulk
Rachel: oh yeah 100%
Oh also
Speaking of folks that witch hunters should be scared of
Fucking Dorian Gray
Jenny: oh yeah
like
that kid had heard of dgray but, like, didn’t know that he could only be killed via the painting???
i feel like that is literally the FIRST thing people know about him
Rachel: He’s never read a book that wasn’t the Lord’s
Jenny: LOL
CC: I like that the direction given to those mormons was “just go FULL youth group at a christian rock skate park as u can”
Jenny: omg
the best part
these fucking names
Jenny: you might have to zoom in on this guy
but i’m p sure that shit says jerathmiel
what the fuck is that
dylanthony
paulzebub
buy eternal witchcraft
Rachel: Yeah these kids were so extra
I’m kind of bummed they only lasted a single episode
Just like poor Amalia
There’s so much crazy shit we could have had from these weirdos
CC: i mean, these kids did so much in the time they had on this show
going in strong like
Jenny: LOL
CC: becoming goths in the end like all kids that get really into christian rock
for what little good it did them
Rachel: “Thrash if you love Jesus”
(Is a real thing I heard at a battle of the bands once in high school)
Jenny: LOLOLOLOL
OH NO OH NO OH NO
Jenny: they were a real mess tho
Rachel: What interests me most about them is what it means that they exist
Like, it means there’s people out their training kids to kill witches
Is there a rival academy somewhere?
Jenny: oh that maybe also
that makes sense
imagine the basketball games
CC: what an amazing sports anime that’d be
Jenny: OMG YES
but also tell me about that districting process
are they funded from property taxes
or — i’m sorry —
witch property taxes
do the angels all have chromebooks, just like, given to them??
CC: APPLE
APPLE PRODUCTS THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE
Rachel: Lol ok ok we gotta talk about the main event here, which is Sabrina
Going full floating devil
CC: i mean, really quickly, one thing i wanna point out is
I know we did touch on wardwell a bit but i wanna say it was cool to see her shout her familiar apart
Jenny: oh hell yea
Rachel: Oh right! Solas!!
Jenny: LOL
stolas
Rachel: Fuck, stolas
Same energy
CC: more like sto-less
these days
amirite
Jenny: LOL
i wish i could make things explode in flame when i screamed at them
Rachel: I really was grossed out by her having to eat Adam
I felt real bad for her
This actress is amazing tho
Jenny: oh god yeah
CC: as soon as he said that, I KNEW
Jenny: yeah it was a red flag
CC: look, anyway: if a goat wants to help you live deliciously, that’s a real red flag in and of itself
Jenny: lol it’s true
CC: it’s such a shame bc adam really was the best
Jenny: he was!
he was a good boy!
Rachel: Maybe he’ll come back?
Probably in some gross way
Because this show can’t have ward well or us be happy
Jenny: i mean, more unbelievable things have happened on this show
CC: honestly, i dare 2 dream
but anyway! y’all want to talk about sabrina, the DARK LORD’S SWORD
why not just DARK SWORD
Jenny: yes
Rachel: I feel like this is a real negative turning point for Sabrina
Jenny: lol yup
Rachel: (get it, like… a sword)
(I CAN DO PUNS TOO)
Jenny: LOL yes
Jenny: same girl
poor prudence
finally some semblance of power in blackwell’s horrible game and goddamn sabrina has to go and get ALL the power OUTSIDE of the game
literally up from the dead
resurrecting other students
killing angels
chill
Rachel: Healing Ambrose even
Like this won’t all go straight to her head
CC: i mean, being the flaming sword of a dark god would def go to my head
Jenny: lol yeah that would Never happen
but god the “getting stabbed in the side” bit
combined with
this bullshit
Jenny: fucking kill me
we get it
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Rachel: Well should we do final thoughts?
Jenny: i’m down
CC: me too!
Jenny: i can start!
my final thought (and i know we talked about this last week, but still): justice for dorcas
Jenny: like — she’s just out here trying to live her life
she likes a boy
and people are being real dicks about it!
Rachel: Oh man this is my final thought as well!!!
Dorcas and Melvin are IN LOVE!!
AND I LOVE IT
CC: yeah good for them
these 2 kids, getting killed and brought back
makin it work
Rachel: I hope they flesh this out
And I hope it helps Dorcas stand up to her sisters
Jenny: yeah! she feels some feelings! and people should just let them be!!
let them be happy!
CC: the writers out here speaking from prudence’s mouth even though they keep putting dorcas in these positions
Jenny: now that’s what i call
bullshit
they’re all jerks!
these writers!
big dumb jerks!
justice for dorcas
Rachel: Hail satan
CC: my final thought is basically just
Rachel: LOL PERFECT
CC: we need our stern disapproving chaotic witch mom back
Rachel: She’ll keep Sabrina is check
I fucking hope
CC: i swear (to hEaVeNnNNnn lololol)
Jenny: LOL
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Featured image source: Saved! (2004). All other images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.
