A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 2, Episode 6

Thrash if you love Jesus

May 22, 2019 at 8:52 am

Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Murdery witchhunting youth group teens!! A Very Sweater Hulk Dr. Cerberus!!! Sabrina Spellman: Human Sword!!!! Did somebody say dracarys?? bc we’re about to light up this episode with some Sabrina Hot Takes.


CC: i literally just finished the episode and whew!!!!

Rachel: This one was a lot

Jenny: dear lord in heaven
it was so much

Rachel: Should we start with a summary?

Jenny: mormons infiltrate the church of night
sabrina is a bad friend, actually

CC: also the dark lord is a real piece of work, and wardwell’s bf is a real piece of non figurative beefcake 😢

Jenny: oh man oof

Rachel: RIP Adam

CC: first among men, best among men; may he get stepped on by lilith in the great hereafter

Jenny: lol it’s what he would’ve wanted

Rachel: Ok so, to start, Luke is dead
Murdered by a Mormon

Jenny: oh def fully dead

CC: rest in pieces my dude
also
“but torturer! the only way to get in there is by cutting off my hand–WHAT ARE U DOING”
like: my guy
my buddy
my pal
really??????

Jenny: yeah he was maybe not the best
at being a spy

Rachel: He had the looks but not the brains

Jenny: ALSO! sabrina and nick have both been expelled — they are handling it differently

Jenny: nick no longer has any family or any home, so he sits in a bar and drinks

How are you, underage drinking?

CC: LOL

Jenny: RAS continues to act like teenagers drink in the same way and for the same reasons as adults
i don’t understand it

Rachel: I mean I am so removed from today’s youths
Maybe RAS knows better than me
Do kids today still have LAN parties??

Jenny: fair — i can only recall from my own experience, but you make a good point
maybe RAS was NOT?? a huge fucking dork in high school?
(lol unlikely though)

CC: so, important question here but are the kids at the academy actually kids?????
i mean
ambrose is #1 Boy or w/e and he’s definitely very old

Jenny: ambrose is def old but he’s not really a student

Rachel: He’s more like a TA

Jenny: that feels right
mostly, i think, my brain is more willing to reconcile underage drinking than, like, the idea that nick is, like 40-something and into this 16-year-old
BUT
that does necessarily mean that when Ambrose (who is def at least 85??) gets w Prudence, is that just like — very gross?? the age difference??

CC: ooooooof
yeah I think you bring up a very good point

Rachel: Are teen witches actually like 45??

Jenny: i get that time is different for witches but i cannot imagine this being ok, actually

CC: unless they’re all like 400 years old except sabrina??? which is still v Problematic?????

Rachel: Ewww

CC: I mean wasn’t ambrose in kahoots with guy fawkes or w/e
oh wait
the vatican
not parliament
w/e
i don’t know

Jenny: zelda is def multiple hundreds of years old
idk that “trying to blow up the vatican” was a reference to any real historical event
i guess the best explanation is that ambrose is a creep?
i don’t want to think about this any more, actually (- a quote from this writers room, i bet)

Rachel: Ok so Luke is dead and there are witch hunters out for Sabrina
And all the witches really

Jenny: yes! while nick is drinking away the pain, sabrina tries to go back to her old life
but she runs into some issues
mostly to do w the fact that she is a bad friend, actually
like — it starts w Prudence not letting her back into the academy

Jenny: prudence out here making some great points

CC: oof
that was A Lot tho
but a v good point

Jenny: sabrina all “what about when i saved you from being eaten alive??” isn’t that what friends do??
she’s not wrong

CC: that’s true

Jenny: it’s like — on the one hand, i get where prudence is coming from: sabrina is v selfish. but on the other hand, i know that prudence is only burning this bridge bc she thinks she has power now in blackwell’s stupid game
and i just want to shake her
you’re above this prudence!

CC: that seems to be a big theme in this ep imo:
women at a crossroads where they can use power they can leverage over other women by being complicit in patriarchy, vs joining forces against patriarchy
is this intentional, well, your guess is as good as mine (not holding my breath tbh???)

Jenny: lol fair

CC: but that’s what I was thinking about in the weird sisters plot and in the side plot with wardwell (which I know we’ll talk about later)
like: the weird sisters and sabrina (and zelda tbh!!!) can work together to make blackwood pay, or they can fight each other for the scraps of power that they can get from him
wardwell could try to use sabrina against the dark lord, or kill her to hurt him
idk!! Choices

Rachel: That’s a great point
I’m hoping the season culminates with these witchy babes coming together to over through their Dark Patriarchy
But god who even knows
Consistency is a problem for this show, even if it’s not as bad as riverdale

CC: i mean: whatever power you can get from a man who can’t even cut his own fingernails probably isn’t power you couldn’t just get for yourself
look
it’s not the most pithy slogan
i’m working on it

Rachel: Lol
Ok so let’s talk about Ambrose?
He’s being held in the witch’s hole or w/e and the weird sisters are torturing him

CC: witch’s
hole
😐

Jenny: LOL

Rachel: Lol fuck
Y’all rickrolled me last time so I don’t trust u at all lol

Jenny: you’re right not to
but ambrose
being tortured

Rachel: YES AMBROSE

Jenny: i want to know
who the fuck is this??
where did they get him??

Rachel: God nasty dude
Also he doesn’t help out at all when the witch hunters come a callin’
So he is either lazy or not a permanent resident

Jenny: a good point! like — is he just the academy’s resident torturer? is that a live-in position? what are the benefits like? life insurance? retirement?

CC: buffy extra who’s been locked in the witch’s hole since 1997

Jenny: LOL

CC: he’s one of these guys

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: maybe defending the school just isn’t in his job description so he’s not going to do work he doesn’t get paid for
which, like, respect
but also: the opposite of respect for these bridge trolls

Rachel: He’s part of the Torturer’s Union

Jenny: yes

CC: he doesn’t get paid overtime
he doesn’t work
fair enough

Jenny: feels right to me
now if only there was literally any textual evidence
of a robust network of unions for these torture demons
oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

CC: so when hilda and sabrina decide to summon the council
aka “witch amnesty international” LOL w/e
gotta say
HOW DARE YOU SUMMON US is really the only thing you’re allowed to say once summoned
a classic line
Perfect

Jenny: LOL yeah they def hit that beat
but i gotta say

CC: i really just wish * I * could yell that whenever people call me
ever

Jenny: if you’re a witches’ council, wouldn’t you think that you’d be, like — magical?
don’t you think you would have some better way of divining the truth than just eyewitness testimony?
than just “taking someone’s word for it”

CC: they probably could but just don’t want to

Jenny: i mean
that’s fair
i get that

CC: i bet they’re being paid off in basilisk tears or something
baby feet

Jenny: never worn
hilda was great this ep

CC: she def has a ship

Jenny: lol yes
i mean
she’s seen nick
she knows how untrustworthy he seems
but she really was on her game this ep

Jenny: ^^a good joke!^^
but i def think that not being able to get in touch w zelda sort of forced her to take charge and it turns out she is v good at it!
v good and v capable

CC: i mean, she def was able to size up the weird sisters and predict their shenanigans
i don’t think zelda would have done a better job honestly

Jenny: same! i think hilda did a great job manipulating the wyrd sisters
and i also think she did a great job manipulating
THAT DICK

CC: LOL

Rachel: LOL

CC: i swear to god the minute those mormons walked into dr c’s shop i was just
yelling if they lay ONE FINGER ON HIM I’M OUTTTTT

Jenny: oh but they are the ones who should be afraid

Jenny: i’m trembling

CC: what a sweater hulk

Rachel: oh yeah 100%
Oh also
Speaking of folks that witch hunters should be scared of
Fucking Dorian Gray

Jenny: oh yeah
like
that kid had heard of dgray but, like, didn’t know that he could only be killed via the painting???
i feel like that is literally the FIRST thing people know about him

Rachel: He’s never read a book that wasn’t the Lord’s

Jenny: LOL

CC: I like that the direction given to those mormons was “just go FULL youth group at a christian rock skate park as u can”

Jenny: omg
the best part
these fucking names

Jenny: you might have to zoom in on this guy
but i’m p sure that shit says jerathmiel
what the fuck is that
dylanthony
paulzebub
buy eternal witchcraft

Rachel: Yeah these kids were so extra
I’m kind of bummed they only lasted a single episode
Just like poor Amalia
There’s so much crazy shit we could have had from these weirdos

CC: i mean, these kids did so much in the time they had on this show
going in strong like

Jenny: LOL

CC: becoming goths in the end like all kids that get really into christian rock
for what little good it did them

Rachel: “Thrash if you love Jesus”
(Is a real thing I heard at a battle of the bands once in high school)

Jenny: LOLOLOLOL
OH NO OH NO OH NO

Jenny: they were a real mess tho

Rachel: What interests me most about them is what it means that they exist
Like, it means there’s people out their training kids to kill witches
Is there a rival academy somewhere?

Jenny: oh that maybe also
that makes sense
imagine the basketball games

CC: what an amazing sports anime that’d be

Jenny: OMG YES
but also tell me about that districting process
are they funded from property taxes
or — i’m sorry —
witch property taxes
do the angels all have chromebooks, just like, given to them??

CC: APPLE
APPLE PRODUCTS THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE

Rachel: Lol ok ok we gotta talk about the main event here, which is Sabrina
Going full floating devil

CC: i mean, really quickly, one thing i wanna point out is
I know we did touch on wardwell a bit but i wanna say it was cool to see her shout her familiar apart

Jenny: oh hell yea

Rachel: Oh right! Solas!!

Jenny: LOL
stolas

Rachel: Fuck, stolas
Same energy

CC: more like sto-less
these days
amirite

Jenny: LOL
i wish i could make things explode in flame when i screamed at them

Rachel: I really was grossed out by her having to eat Adam
I felt real bad for her
This actress is amazing tho

Jenny: oh god yeah

CC: as soon as he said that, I KNEW

Jenny: yeah it was a red flag

CC: look, anyway: if a goat wants to help you live deliciously, that’s a real red flag in and of itself

Jenny: lol it’s true

CC: it’s such a shame bc adam really was the best

Jenny: he was!
he was a good boy!

Rachel: Maybe he’ll come back?
Probably in some gross way
Because this show can’t have ward well or us be happy

Jenny: i mean, more unbelievable things have happened on this show

CC: honestly, i dare 2 dream
but anyway! y’all want to talk about sabrina, the DARK LORD’S SWORD
why not just DARK SWORD

Jenny: yes

Rachel: I feel like this is a real negative turning point for Sabrina

Jenny: lol yup

Rachel: (get it, like… a sword)
(I CAN DO PUNS TOO)

Jenny: LOL yes

Jenny: same girl
poor prudence
finally some semblance of power in blackwell’s horrible game and goddamn sabrina has to go and get ALL the power OUTSIDE of the game
literally up from the dead
resurrecting other students
killing angels
chill

Rachel: Healing Ambrose even
Like this won’t all go straight to her head

CC: i mean, being the flaming sword of a dark god would def go to my head

Jenny: lol yeah that would Never happen
but god the “getting stabbed in the side” bit
combined with
this bullshit

Jenny: fucking kill me
we get it

Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Rachel: Well should we do final thoughts?

Jenny: i’m down

CC: me too!

Jenny: i can start!
my final thought (and i know we talked about this last week, but still): justice for dorcas

Jenny: like — she’s just out here trying to live her life
she likes a boy
and people are being real dicks about it!

Rachel: Oh man this is my final thought as well!!!
Dorcas and Melvin are IN LOVE!!
AND I LOVE IT

CC: yeah good for them
these 2 kids, getting killed and brought back
makin it work

Rachel: I hope they flesh this out
And I hope it helps Dorcas stand up to her sisters

Jenny: yeah! she feels some feelings! and people should just let them be!!
let them be happy!

CC: the writers out here speaking from prudence’s mouth even though they keep putting dorcas in these positions

Jenny: now that’s what i call
bullshit
they’re all jerks!
these writers!
big dumb jerks!
justice for dorcas

Rachel: Hail satan

CC: my final thought is basically just

Rachel: LOL PERFECT

CC: we need our stern disapproving chaotic witch mom back

Rachel: She’ll keep Sabrina is check
I fucking hope

CC: i swear (to hEaVeNnNNnn lololol)

Jenny: LOL


In the mood for even more Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Hot Takes? Head on over to our Patreon and check out some extra content we couldn’t fit into this post. See y’all back here next week for even more Sabrina-themed hexin’, cursin’, and cussin’.

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.