A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 1

Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. We are back on our bullshit and so is this show! Who knew that our off-season joke content would turn out to be prophesy? Truly our third eyes have opened — praise Madam Satan. Welcome back!!


Jenny: i kind of want to start by saying that SO MUCH happened in this S3 premiere. I did actually go back and look at our season 2 finale roundtable to help me remember what was even going on

CC: oof haha I forgot! but that probably would have helped L O L
I watched the little intro thing and thought it would help me
as kiernan shipka promised that was “all I needed to know for sabrina season 3”
…..we were both wrong; I forgot so much more than I would have thought possible

Rachel: and they really did just jump right into it with this first episode
if i remember correctly, s2 ends with Sabrina like “alright, next we get my boyfriend back”
and true to her word, the girl gets it done

Jenny: yes
BUT
the thing that i had forgotten was that our girl prudence and her hot elderly bf have swords and they’re trying to track down and kill the guy from uk friends
that is a plotline i find myself VVVVV invested in and i had 100% forgotten about it

Rachel: oh wow, that was so much that we definitely need to talk about
their whole trip to new orleans

Jenny: a little cameo
from penelope blossom

CC: wait
whoa
WHAT
GOD

Rachel: yes!!! got a little excited about a potential new character

CC: I’M
SO MAD
LMAO

Jenny: i mean, it was a glamour that prudence did, so not a crossover per se, but still good
but their trip to nola in general was a real rollercoaster!
i think, like, immediately after this they hit you w

Jenny: prudence is not the only one who knows how to do a glamour, it turns out

Rachel: ho ho ho
ok so my beef with this new orleans detour is the actual portrayal of new orleans
yes, it is sweaty and hot
but god!!! i guess i do actually appreciate how over the top the outfits are
prudence’s outfit is just so much

CC: truly

Jenny: oh man yeah truly we are blessed
but honestly i think the reason i enjoyed this side plot so much was bc the main plot was just like — Too Much??
they def come out swinging in this season premiere

CC: you know what they really came out swinging with this season

CC: god

Rachel: this whole SET PIECE

Jenny: PRAISE MADAM SATAN

CC: did you see that the NAILS ARE PAINTED IN BLOOD

Rachel: also i felt really dumb for not picking this up immediately but gabe pointed out that the whole thing was a very obvious wizard of oz reference
all hail the wicked witch of the west

Jenny: oh man yeah
these set designers are really carrying the show at this point

CC: they’re carrying me personally, tbh

Jenny: but also

Jenny: love those skeletal hand epaulets

CC: just in time for the MCR revival too!

Jenny: lol god bless

Rachel: i am surprised they didn’t make this dude an actual flying monkey
maybe the show is more subtle than i give it credit for
the bar is just so low at this point lol

Jenny: lolololololol

CC: i mean he’s definitely got the Vibe down
he’s definitely channeling true flying monkey energy rn

Jenny: 100%
but also like
this is A Lot

Jenny: like– we get it!
but also it was nice to see so many familiar faces!
all the people who got killed off — tommy and uncle jessie and principal hawthorne and roz’s grandma
nice to see them reuse their cast that way
keep them working

CC: gone but not forgotten
on imdb

Jenny: in hell
but wizard of oz reference aside
i do want to get back to our girl

Jenny: finally getting the credit she deserves
the church of lilith
praise madam satan

CC: nothing has ever been more catholic than this scene, somehow
this show peaked in Queer Adult, Raised Catholic energy
this episode

Jenny: lol the part where zelda just changes the prayer and we all go along w it bc questioning is bad??
v relatable

CC: and it’s just hail mary, but lilith now haha

Jenny: PEAK

CC: that trademark riverdale subtlety we all know and love lmao

Jenny: i mean, it’s not like we can expect them to write original material

Rachel: what’s the rosarie equivalent in the church of lilith?? like what do those beads look like

Jenny: ooh
good question
little skulls?? could be cute
little pomes???
what if we just made that our brand now

Rachel: i mean, that sounds on brand already

Jenny: honestly it’s probably mostly the same as a regular rosary but instead of the crucifix part it’s just a v sexy lady

CC: does the seat of power in hell do weddings?
bc like
it’s just got a lot of aesthetic

Jenny: what a venue

Rachel: oh man and nick’s frill collar
love that that dude got paid to lay around which his shirt off and look tired

CC: i know right

Jenny: love those slave leia vibes

CC: at least no one ever has to ask out loud who this show’s demographic is
theater kids and former theater kids
i have never watched a show this committed to its vibe hahaha

Jenny: honestly the vibe is what keeps it afloat
i feel like the further i get into the season the more it’s become clear to be that RAS is really running out of source material
like
all of this wizard of oz shit
i’m p sure I WROTE THIS FANFICTION
when i was in 8th GRADE
HIRE ME NETFLIX

Rachel: ahahahahahahaha
hire her, netflix!!

CC: +1 +1 +1 +1

Jenny: all it needed was for darth vader to show up and confront our dimension-travelling witch protagonist about the truth about her parentage
which, frankly, basically happened last season

Rachel: extremely true

Jenny: i’m honestly convinced that they’ve stolen my middle school journals and that’s why it’s so predictable!
bc guess what else we read in middle school??
THE TEMPEST!!!

Jenny: like — WE GET IT
you’ve read A Book!!

CC: omg this guy
can we talk about this guy

Jenny: mr king of the sandcastles

CC: what lab did this backup hemsworth-knockoff come out of

Jenny: sandcastles in the sand
flowing puffy shirt
prominent nipples

Rachel: this dude needs to get a job
he thinks he can go from building sandcastles in a billowy shirt to being king of hell?????
the audacity

Jenny: what kind of resume
you don’t get to be a CEO when you’re fresh out of college!!
this is Hell, it’s not America

CC: LOL
his later-in-the-episode outfit also looks like it was ripped straight from xena’s
and it just bugs me!!!!

Jenny: lucy lawless or NO ONE
omg though can you imagine a lucy lawless cameo

CC: he looks like a dude that gabrielle would show interest in to make xena jealous and then betray them and die by the end of the episode

Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Rachel: lol that is just an accurate evocation of this dude’s whole vibe

Jenny: truly truly just so real

CC: that, plus like,
100 relationship subreddit posts
put them together and you get this guy
casual hell beach guy

Rachel: yeah we’ve already got dorian!!!
we don’t need another handsome blonde with beachy waves!

Jenny: LOL
also dorian was great in this
Very Tutorial Quest

CC: ugh dorian just go to origins like everyone else!!!! so rude
i mean i completely get it, but still, rude

Rachel: when you need to go to origins but it’s too far out of your way and your zit is so large you don’t wanna leave the house

Jenny: lol send some teens through your portal to hell so they can retrieve a special flower that might help, maybe
only logical

CC: the gig economy has truly gone too far

Jenny: LOL

Rachel: ahahahahaha
ok let’s talk about my other two favorite gals
hilda had my favorite moment in the whole episode

Jenny: !!!

Rachel: hilda as blackwood was a joy

Jenny: i was actually v proud of the guy who plays blackwood
he did a really good job as hilda
i was Impressed

Rachel: yeah he nailed the mannerisms!
i bet that was fun while shooting
bet the whole cast had a good hoot

Jenny: i hope so!!
i hope this show is fun to make!

CC: me too
i hope it is just as silly a ride on the other side

Rachel: the musical number looked so fun!
can’t wait for sabrina to eventually join the ensemble

Jenny: ok hold on

Jenny: this was actually a bit of a sticking point w me
who is picking which songs they do and can i meet them
i just want to talk

CC: why this song???
I was wondering if something was going over my head????
or if it truly was just a really strange choice

Jenny: there seems to be NO reason at all!!!
not even vaguely witchy or spooky???

Rachel: maybe netflix already had the rights

Jenny: lol that makes sense
i feel like the season 1 soundtrack was just like — i will use EVERY SONG with “witch” or “magic” in the title
and now they have nowhere to go
but like, the band is The Fright Club
do some kim petras garage covers or something

CC: “what do the kids today like”
“‘my sherona’ and witchcraft, obviously”

Jenny: OBVIOUSLY
i just cannot figure out this decision

Rachel: also how did they teens break into Archie Andrews’s garage
netflix only has one garage set and its only flavor is Nostalgic Americana

Jenny: lol i feel like RAS just had a lot of garage band material left over from riverdale that he can’t use anymore bc archie is a criminal on the lam or whatever

CC: again????
jeez
everything that’s old is new again in riverdale hahaha

Jenny: lol idk idk
i didn’t keep watching after we collectively gave up
but tbh probably?!?! who knows!!!
in any case
riverdale cannot give me what CAoS gives me
which is:

Jenny: the moment my life has been leading to
the only goal for my future
this is what peak performance looks like!

CC: heavy is the head that wears the gold spray-painted paper mache finger crown
let me be clear tho: i love it

Rachel: it’s the best

CC: i want that hat

Jenny: oh of COURSE
and also like

Rachel: these line had me CACKLING
here’s my other potentially unpopular opinion: sabrina does not deserve to be queen of hell

Jenny: oh god popular here my dude
she’s a TEEN

CC: ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AGREED

Rachel: LILLITH DESERVES THE CROWN

CC: the line about how she knows all about hell bc she’s
in
high
school
y’all I screamed out loud
such was my rage

Rachel: lol rip us

Jenny: Our Girl Lilith has WORKED for this crown. For LITERAL MILLENNIA

CC: all these kids!
just waltzing into the underworld
demanding her crown

Jenny: how dare

Rachel: i had another moment with a line of sabrina’s
when satan said something about being disappointed in her and she shot back with “RIGHT BACK AT YA”
i shook my damn head

Jenny: smdh

CC: ok I will admit i liked that
i too am disappointed in the devil

Rachel: lol CC!!!!

CC: L O L

Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Rachel: it was a very teen line, just a teen line i would have expected from the 90s
like it’s a line the fresh prince would give
but with worse delivery

CC: sabrina puts on a backwards cap and skateboards out
“later haters!!!!”

Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
i’m dying!!!
laugh my ass!!!!

Rachel: she dabs
that’s how you really bring it into 2020

CC: LOL RACHEL

Rachel: you know, these so-called “teens” haven’t dabbed even once
that’s the least believable thing about this show

CC: nobody has even MENTIONED fortnight
which all my teacher friends assure me kids like????

Jenny: that’s how you know this writers room isn’t really in touch with their source material

CC: not even one fortnight. not even one 14 day sleepover in a meadow between anne shirley and her best friend diana.

Jenny: that’s what fortnight is about, right?
i’m pretty sure

Rachel: sounds right

CC: i haven’t talked to a teen since like 2013 so who knows lol

Jenny: elaborate anne of green gables video game
clearly
the teens love relatable farm content

CC: IYTTAF
Is Your Teen Texting About Farms

Jenny: LOLOLOLOL

Rachel: hahahahahaha

Jenny: you know what teens really love though
the wizard of oz?
i really don’t think that tracks

Rachel: teens love a good classic movie reference

CC: oh this guy was having such a blast
look at him

Jenny: love this edward scissorhands WoOz crossover
i do genuinely think this guy was just over the moon to be back on set
v happy for him, frankly

CC: maybe we’re wrong guys
maybe it’s not wizard of oz at all
maybe it’s just a reinterpretation of the Wicked book

Jenny: OH NO!!!!!

Rachel: AHAHA

Jenny: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CC: truly cursed content

Jenny: why would you make me read that with mine own two eyes
i’m dead
i’ve died

CC: one more thing the kids love
daphne du maurier

Jenny: yes of course

CC: ah yes, Rebecca, definitely the hot IP for the youths in 2020

Rachel: Lol more proof this content is targeted to us or ripped from us

CC: the thing that bugs me is
is this a Deep Ref, like, is Lilith the Rebecca of the Church of Night whereas Sabrina is the young protag whose name nobody remembers? (lol)
or just
“here’s a spooky book haha lol bye”
i mean – probably the latter right??????
but it BUGS ME THAT I CAN’T TELL

Jenny: i cannot imagine that they put that much thought into it
i think it must be the latter

CC: I HATE THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE
but that’s it, I’m ready for final thoughts now ha ha

Jenny: lol can’t let them get in your head like that
for instance
(my final thought)
i might be tempted to give these writers credit for something similar — references that seem to be more about themes and relationships than about name-value spoopiness
but then i remember

Jenny: they’re actually just very bad at their jobs
where did this information come from??
why does sabrina know it?
it was never mentioned before

Rachel: oh yeah that was so out of left field

CC: the wicked guy probably

Jenny: LOL

Rachel: my final thought is that i’m afraid this show is going in a real DBZ direction, with constant escalation
like, the big bad was actual Satan
and now it’s The Old Ones
and like, this is what it takes right? constantly raising stakes???
and sabrina literally went platinum, a la super saiyan

CC: GOD
YOU’RE RIGHT
FFFFFFF

Jenny: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cannot believe

Rachel: next up

CC: omg i would love that tho

Jenny: truly

CC: ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF CAoS Z

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

CC: my final thought is a story in three parts

CC: in summary:

CC: salem puppet is back baybeeeeeee

Rachel: hail lilith!!!!

In the mood for even more Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Hot Takes? Head on over to our Patreon and check out some extra content we couldn’t fit into this post.

Jenny Mott

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.
Rachel Weiss

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.
Carolynn Calabrese

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
#rando

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