A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5
Turn men into pigs 2020
March 6, 2020 at 8:10 am
Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. If you’re into evil carnies, Bad Lewks, and niche catholic school memes, you’ve come to the right place!
CC: this ep grossed me out too much!!!
Jenny: oh man yeah this was a nasty one
CC: lilith bless u
Rachel: yeah maybe let’s get started with, imo, the grossest part of the episode
and the saddest
Jenny: i know!! i did not take screenshots of the grossest part, but
Jenny: she’s turning into a spider and it’s really hard!!
CC: i was hoping she’d turn into like
a sexy anime spider lady or something
this is one hell of a bummer way to turn into a spider
Jenny: like the spider lady from saga
she deserves better
Rachel: she’s being punished for taking care of and loving her spider pets!!!!!!
it’s not fair!!!
and zelda won’t listen to her and that’s INFURIATING
CC: “we’re all suffering out here hilda”
“we all feel like we’re slowly being transformed into a gnarly monster person hilda”
— things zelda did not say but might as well have!!!!
Jenny: yeah it continues to be v frustrating to watch zelda
i really thought she’d moved past this
this being the assumption that other people are at her disposal
which maybe ties into the ending of this ep
which we can talk about later?
CC: yeah I guess should we summarize the episode?
I’d summarize it as: idle hands are the devil’s work, but literally; also sexy negaverse catholicism iconography still going strong; hilda slowly turns into a spider-lady and it is very sad and also really gross
you hate to see it
oh also nick breaks up w sabrina
Jenny: part 2/3 in the quest for the unholy regalia — a magic treehouse minisode where we all learn about the passion of christ??
(this was my favorite part, if only for barabbas)
CC: god, barabbas watching other people get executed like
but also on a personal note:
by my senior year of high school, whenever someone at a pep rally or school assembly asked for a volunteer, some of my friends and I would just chant Barabbas??
wow jenny!!! y’all were so cultured
Jenny: fun scripture jokes from kids who are 2 cool
Rachel: i feel like at my highschool it would have just been a bunch of nerds shouting “leeroy jenkins”
2005 was a different time
CC: “vote for pedro”
Jenny: lol bless
oh i mean for context, for the readers: catholic school
i don’t think i mentioned
but it is known
Rachel: i love it
Jenny: but in any case, seeing him was a real joy
brought back some fond memories
Jenny: just as my sacrilege, i suppose
CC: catholic school memes are wild
oh man but
speaking of your favorite boys
we got a cameo by your other one!!!
the GOAT himself
yeah just out here causing mischief — he is the chief of mis
getting teens killed, sowing discord, disrupting calls for help
just satan things
are pan and satan the same dude
is that like
a theology Thing
CC: idk what that’s all about
Jenny: hooves, etc
i def see it
Rachel: well, rip elsbeth either way
she was a dummy but didn’t deserve a knife in the neck
Jenny: v fair
just as agatha is kind of an asshole, but she doesn’t deserve to be tricked into trying to kill her sister
what else did he do this ep?
CC: turned harvey into archie
Jenny: lol def they had to’ve been referencing riverdale w this one
CC: this showrunner sure loves boyfights
Jenny: and he’ll defend them to the very end
CC: the only way to drive out a boyfight squad is with a bigger, meaner boyfight squad
or turning them into pigs
Jenny: lol i LOVED that part
Jenny: esp the part where they didn’t have the budget for cgi transformations so the boys all just kind of fell down? and then they put pigs squealing over top
genuinely that sounds like a criticism, but i did actually enjoy it v much
felt like a choreographed performance and circe is our star
Rachel: love to see a powerful lady turn bullies into piglets
Jenny: every day of the week
what do y’all think of Robin’s (probable) confession??
of his relationship with the carnies??
i trust it
i think that by the end of this season he will be a good guy
i’m so sick of it
CC: i’d bet $5 he will die by the end of the episode he actually gives his confession in
i kind of hope you’re right
i’m just so sick of RAS making every couple perfect
show some strife!
show some messiness!
show when it doesn’t work out bc one of them betrays the other to their family carnival cult!
Rachel: i mean, i agree, but also would be sad that the only queer couple ends tragically 😞
Jenny: ah — yes that’s a v fair point though
Rachel: i mean, queer folks can and should be shown as messy as all couples are!
but if one of the couples has to meet a tragic end, i hope it’s one of the straights
(but not hilda and dr cee!!!!)
CC: IF THAT HAPPENS THAT’S WHERE I GET OFF THIS BANDWAGON
Jenny: i do think this show could do w/o nick scratch or caliban
Rachel: YEAH maybe sabrina should be HER OWN LADY
CC: I think sabrina just needs to be single for a while
and doesn’t need to hook up with the sexy golem
Jenny: would love to see sabrina embrace her singlehood!
she has A LOT going on rn
she needs to focus on her and her responsibilities
CC: terry “lucifer jr” hemsworth needs to step back
CC: why do sabrina’s love interests just get more and more shady and untrustworthy….
as she descends deeper and deeper into her role as the queen of hell???
i will say though that i really enjoyed when caliban through this moment back in her face
like, she’s all — you cheated; you left me for dead; have you no honor; no integrity; what kind of king
and then she does the same shit to him!
but feels bad about it? as if that makes it ok??
Jenny: but mostly, i loved that he waited 2000 years for this moment
i don’t know how that makes sense w this timeline, but presumably that means that he’d been holding this grudge in since he saw her in the wizard of oz ep?
that’s what i’m choosing to believe
and he WAITED for the perfect moment
rubbed himself all over w dirt, for effect
made this grand, dramatic, staircase descent (let the audience sweat out his disappearance a little)
this is what i choose to believe
caliban is a petty bitch who lives for drama
CC: oh that’s not dirt that’s just the paint job wearing out
wear and tear on your rocky boy robot
he is made of clay; could v well be a Death Becomes Her situation
CC: i dislike him and you know what? I don’t trust any boy in this show rn!!!
not one of em!
not baby anglerfish carnie
definitely not dorian
and not the dude whose name might not be melvin but that’s how I always remember him
Jenny: i love and trust dr c though
CC: he’s the only one
Jenny: and i will say this is the only moment when i had any respect for caliban
and i know i was just advocating for his removal but
Jenny: got BIG jupiter ascending vibes off of this one
he takes the lashes bc she is his queen, ultimately, and he will not see her debased
Rachel: i really liked it until he flirted with her lol
because we can’t have hot people not be into each other
Jenny: LOL V FAIR
CC: ok so can i get back to theo’s main squeeze real quick
as much as I would truly and genuinely like to believe he is an angler fish, I have a new theory
is he: a baby green man?
a green boy????
is that??? a thing???
it’s the “putting down roots” thing that got me
Jenny: it’s all bad, honestly
but the idea that he was adopted? interesting
i think he’s like, an intended host for the green man’s reincarnation
Rachel: i mean, those subtle green highlights in robin’s hair aren’t just a fashion statement
i do not want him to be a bad guy theo has to fight
Jenny: still just a guess though tbh
i kind of DO want that?
i’m v tired of RAS introducing someone sexy and mysterious and Troubled — hinting that they might be bad or make even one selfish decision — and then it turns out that they’re perfect and the relationship is perfect and nothing will ever come between them
like, he set up archie-veronica and betty-jughead in s1 of riverdale and he’s just…stuck w it??
this is the cw
did he never watch gossip girl??
they need to be constantly switching partners for a variety of believable and unbelievable reasons
CC: my only thing is: everybody’s weird dad keeps possessing the love interests on this show and tbh!!! once was enough imo!!!
too many evil demon patriarch possessions
ok ok v fair
CC: lucifer x green man
but to go back to something rachel sad: v good point about the highlights!!!
i can’t believe that i was misled by
Rachel: well, i have one last thing to complain about re: sabrina
it’s REALLY shitty that she didn’t tell Wardwell that the dark lord was out and about doing his dark lord business!!!!!
Jenny: honestly broke my heart
Rachel: sabrina you are a bad friend
and a bad queen of hell
you stole this crown from lilith and then put her at risk with your own thoughtlessness
Jenny: and after lilith supported you!
lilith was doing a FINE JOB before you came around
CC: took a job she didn’t even want and isn’t remotely qualified for
Jenny: sabrina!! is so irresponsible!!
Jenny: queen of slime! queen of filth!
CC: i mean i guess some of that is in the job description, admittedly
Jenny: lol but still
lilith is too good for this
does not deserve this
and from a poor man’s lucifer no less
Jenny: it’s just like — there’s no budget for cgi pigs? there’s no budget for the guy who actually plays lucifer? was there only budget for the SHADOW of the goat costume??
we have to put up w this jack sparrow-looking asshole??
Rachel: lol what is that from???
CC: the good place hahahahaha
just a small piece of great background art
but also, what an aesthetic blackwood has rn
and by “what an aesthetic” i mean i honestly don’t think he’s looked worse
Rachel: white dude dreads are always bad
Jenny: it’s true
before we get to final thoughts, do we want to talk about nick breaking up w sabrina?
was kind of a big thing that happened this ep
CC: good on him!
i get that he, like, had the devil’s ichor inside of him or whatever, but also sabrina did not treat him well and i’m proud of him for standing up for himself
Jenny: other people just making that decision for him; for his body
and sabrina’s justification being
you suck, sabrina
Jenny: maybe she and caliban deserve each other
CC: looking forward to seeing what snake demon they pair her with in season 4, after caliban becomes a good guy and then gets turned into like, a really gaudy vase or something
CC: on lilith’s mantle
Rachel: i fucking wish
that’s the show we deserve
Jenny: hire us netflix
CC: hire us!!!
Rachel: lol with that, y’all wanna do final thoughts?
i’ve got one
right off the bat
I DID NOT LIKE THIS EPISODE
I HAVE NO STOMACH FOR BODY HORROR
Jenny: it was too much
this whole episode
Rachel: i legit had to look away at all the hilda stuff
Jenny: yeah it was def v bad
CC: this show has put us through a lot
also if hilda eats dr c as a spider-woman to get rid of the proposal plot point i 100% want nothing more to do with this show!!!
I know that’s a real worst case scenario but my heart couldn’t take it
Jenny: beyond fair
Rachel: 100000% +1
my final thought is kind of a bummer but
i miss last season prudence 😞
this season she’s just like a hot accessory
i miss her being mean and interesting!!
Jenny: oh man yeah
i miss when she would plot things
Rachel: she was so integral
Jenny: i mean — hard to do w/o her sisters, but still
there are other people w/ whom she could conspire
my final thought
CC: [final thot]
Jenny: she’s a gift and i am grateful to see her wrath
i honestly hope the next episode isn’t just “wow we diffused that so easily” and is instead “wow you have wiped out so much of our flock and now you are wiping out the pagans just as easily”
no longer the chilling adventures of sabrina, but the murderous adventures of frost queen gryla
CC: you can’t just assemble the avengers of mean witches and do nothing with that plot point
i mean: you can, but also, how dare
Rachel: wow a hedgewitches spin-off would be great though
CC: amen!! and also
hire!!! us!!!! netflix!!!!!!
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