A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5

Turn men into pigs 2020

March 6, 2020 at 8:10 am

Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. If you’re into evil carnies, Bad Lewks, and niche catholic school memes, you’ve come to the right place!


CC: this ep grossed me out too much!!!

Jenny: oh man yeah this was a nasty one

CC: lilith bless u

Rachel: yeah maybe let’s get started with, imo, the grossest part of the episode
and the saddest
hilda 😞

Jenny: i know!! i did not take screenshots of the grossest part, but

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - spider hilda

Jenny: she’s turning into a spider and it’s really hard!!

CC: i was hoping she’d turn into like
a sexy anime spider lady or something
this is one hell of a bummer way to turn into a spider

Jenny: like the spider lady from saga
truly!
she deserves better

Rachel: she’s being punished for taking care of and loving her spider pets!!!!!!
it’s not fair!!!
and zelda won’t listen to her and that’s INFURIATING

CC: “we’re all suffering out here hilda”
“we all feel like we’re slowly being transformed into a gnarly monster person hilda”
— things zelda did not say but might as well have!!!!

Jenny: yeah it continues to be v frustrating to watch zelda
i really thought she’d moved past this
this being the assumption that other people are at her disposal
which maybe ties into the ending of this ep
which we can talk about later?

CC: yeah I guess should we summarize the episode?
I’d summarize it as: idle hands are the devil’s work, but literally; also sexy negaverse catholicism iconography still going strong; hilda slowly turns into a spider-lady and it is very sad and also really gross
you hate to see it
oh also nick breaks up w sabrina

Jenny: part 2/3 in the quest for the unholy regalia — a magic treehouse minisode where we all learn about the passion of christ??
(this was my favorite part, if only for barabbas)

CC: god, barabbas watching other people get executed like

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - god i wish that were me

Jenny: LOL
truly
but also on a personal note:
by my senior year of high school, whenever someone at a pep rally or school assembly asked for a volunteer, some of my friends and I would just chant Barabbas??
a la

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - BARABBAS

Rachel: LOL
wow jenny!!! y’all were so cultured

Jenny: fun scripture jokes from kids who are 2 cool

Rachel: i feel like at my highschool it would have just been a bunch of nerds shouting “leeroy jenkins”
2005 was a different time

CC: “vote for pedro”

Jenny: lol bless
oh i mean for context, for the readers: catholic school
i don’t think i mentioned
but it is known

Rachel: i love it

Jenny: but in any case, seeing him was a real joy
brought back some fond memories
For

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - Memes Never Die

Jenny: just as my sacrilege, i suppose

CC: catholic school memes are wild
oh man but
speaking of your favorite boys
we got a cameo by your other one!!!
the GOAT himself

Jenny: LOL
yeah just out here causing mischief — he is the chief of mis
getting teens killed, sowing discord, disrupting calls for help
just satan things

CC: are
are pan and satan the same dude
is that like
a theology Thing

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - pika1

CC: idk what that’s all about
horns, etc

Jenny: hooves, etc
i def see it

Rachel: well, rip elsbeth either way
she was a dummy but didn’t deserve a knife in the neck

Jenny: v fair
just as agatha is kind of an asshole, but she doesn’t deserve to be tricked into trying to kill her sister
what else did he do this ep?
harvey!

CC: turned harvey into archie

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - "riverdale was good actually" - a quote from this writers' room

Jenny: lol def they had to’ve been referencing riverdale w this one

CC: this showrunner sure loves boyfights

Jenny: and he’ll defend them to the very end

CC: the only way to drive out a boyfight squad is with a bigger, meaner boyfight squad
or turning them into pigs
i guess

Jenny: lol i LOVED that part

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - circe, you love to see it

Jenny: esp the part where they didn’t have the budget for cgi transformations so the boys all just kind of fell down? and then they put pigs squealing over top
genuinely that sounds like a criticism, but i did actually enjoy it v much
felt like a choreographed performance and circe is our star

Rachel: love to see a powerful lady turn bullies into piglets

Jenny: every day of the week

Rachel: BUT
what do y’all think of Robin’s (probable) confession??
of his relationship with the carnies??

Jenny: ugh
i trust it
i think that by the end of this season he will be a good guy
i’m so sick of it

CC: i’d bet $5 he will die by the end of the episode he actually gives his confession in

Jenny: LOL
i kind of hope you’re right
i’m just so sick of RAS making every couple perfect
show some strife!
show some messiness!
show when it doesn’t work out bc one of them betrays the other to their family carnival cult!

Rachel: i mean, i agree, but also would be sad that the only queer couple ends tragically 😞

Jenny: ah — yes that’s a v fair point though

Rachel: i mean, queer folks can and should be shown as messy as all couples are!
but if one of the couples has to meet a tragic end, i hope it’s one of the straights
(but not hilda and dr cee!!!!)

CC: GOD
I CAN’T

Jenny: obvi

CC: IF THAT HAPPENS THAT’S WHERE I GET OFF THIS BANDWAGON

Jenny: i do think this show could do w/o nick scratch or caliban

Rachel: YEAH maybe sabrina should be HER OWN LADY

CC: I think sabrina just needs to be single for a while
and doesn’t need to hook up with the sexy golem

Jenny: would love to see sabrina embrace her singlehood!
she has A LOT going on rn
she needs to focus on her and her responsibilities

CC: terry “lucifer jr” hemsworth needs to step back

Jenny: LOL
he sucks

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - caliban DOES suck

CC: why do sabrina’s love interests just get more and more shady and untrustworthy….
as she descends deeper and deeper into her role as the queen of hell???

Jenny: ooohhh!!!
i will say though that i really enjoyed when caliban through this moment back in her face
like, she’s all — you cheated; you left me for dead; have you no honor; no integrity; what kind of king
and then she does the same shit to him!
but feels bad about it? as if that makes it ok??

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - death becomes him

Jenny: but mostly, i loved that he waited 2000 years for this moment
i don’t know how that makes sense w this timeline, but presumably that means that he’d been holding this grudge in since he saw her in the wizard of oz ep?
that’s what i’m choosing to believe
and he WAITED for the perfect moment
rubbed himself all over w dirt, for effect
made this grand, dramatic, staircase descent (let the audience sweat out his disappearance a little)
this is what i choose to believe
caliban is a petty bitch who lives for drama

CC: oh that’s not dirt that’s just the paint job wearing out
wear and tear on your rocky boy robot

Jenny: lol
he is made of clay; could v well be a Death Becomes Her situation

CC: i dislike him and you know what? I don’t trust any boy in this show rn!!!
not one of em!
not baby anglerfish carnie
not harvey
definitely not dorian
and not the dude whose name might not be melvin but that’s how I always remember him

Jenny: i love and trust dr c though

CC: he’s the only one

Jenny: and i will say this is the only moment when i had any respect for caliban
and i know i was just advocating for his removal but

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - big caine wise vibes

Jenny: got BIG jupiter ascending vibes off of this one
he takes the lashes bc she is his queen, ultimately, and he will not see her debased

Rachel: i really liked it until he flirted with her lol
because we can’t have hot people not be into each other

Jenny: LOL V FAIR

CC: ok so can i get back to theo’s main squeeze real quick
as much as I would truly and genuinely like to believe he is an angler fish, I have a new theory
is he: a baby green man?
a green boy????
is that??? a thing???
it’s the “putting down roots” thing that got me

Jenny: i think my official guess was that he is the green prince

CC: ……..greenling…..
ew…….

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - green man more like twig man amirite

Jenny: it’s all bad, honestly
but the idea that he was adopted? interesting
i think he’s like, an intended host for the green man’s reincarnation

Rachel: i mean, those subtle green highlights in robin’s hair aren’t just a fashion statement

CC: ew
UGH
i do not want him to be a bad guy theo has to fight

Jenny: still just a guess though tbh
i kind of DO want that?
i’m v tired of RAS introducing someone sexy and mysterious and Troubled — hinting that they might be bad or make even one selfish decision — and then it turns out that they’re perfect and the relationship is perfect and nothing will ever come between them
like, he set up archie-veronica and betty-jughead in s1 of riverdale and he’s just…stuck w it??
this is the cw
did he never watch gossip girl??
they need to be constantly switching partners for a variety of believable and unbelievable reasons

CC: my only thing is: everybody’s weird dad keeps possessing the love interests on this show and tbh!!! once was enough imo!!!
too many evil demon patriarch possessions

Jenny: LOL
ok ok v fair

CC: lucifer x green man
but to go back to something rachel sad: v good point about the highlights!!!
i can’t believe that i was misled by
that
red
herring

Jenny: lol

Rachel: well, i have one last thing to complain about re: sabrina
it’s REALLY shitty that she didn’t tell Wardwell that the dark lord was out and about doing his dark lord business!!!!!

CC: YEAH
WTF

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - lilith deserves better

Jenny: honestly broke my heart

CC: truly
infuriating

Rachel: sabrina you are a bad friend
and a bad queen of hell
you stole this crown from lilith and then put her at risk with your own thoughtlessness

Jenny: and after lilith supported you!
lilith was doing a FINE JOB before you came around

CC: took a job she didn’t even want and isn’t remotely qualified for
boooooooo

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - lilith has never been wrong

Jenny: sabrina!! is so irresponsible!!

Jenny: queen of slime! queen of filth!

CC: i mean i guess some of that is in the job description, admittedly

Jenny: lol but still
lilith is too good for this
does not deserve this
and from a poor man’s lucifer no less

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - this is a bad look!

Jenny: it’s just like — there’s no budget for cgi pigs? there’s no budget for the guy who actually plays lucifer? was there only budget for the SHADOW of the goat costume??
we have to put up w this jack sparrow-looking asshole??

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - pirates of the caribbean used to be good

Jenny: LOL
EXACTLY!!

Rachel: lol what is that from???

CC: the good place hahahahaha
just a small piece of great background art
but also, what an aesthetic blackwood has rn
and by “what an aesthetic” i mean i honestly don’t think he’s looked worse

Rachel: white dude dreads are always bad

Jenny: it’s true
before we get to final thoughts, do we want to talk about nick breaking up w sabrina?
was kind of a big thing that happened this ep
LOL

CC: wHOOPS
LMAO

Rachel: lolllll

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - you go girl

CC: good on him!

Jenny: TRULY
i get that he, like, had the devil’s ichor inside of him or whatever, but also sabrina did not treat him well and i’m proud of him for standing up for himself
like

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - brutal

Jenny: other people just making that decision for him; for his body
feels bad
and sabrina’s justification being

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - fake

Jenny: K.

Rachel: 😑
you suck, sabrina

Jenny: maybe she and caliban deserve each other

CC: looking forward to seeing what snake demon they pair her with in season 4, after caliban becomes a good guy and then gets turned into like, a really gaudy vase or something

Jenny: LOL

CC: on lilith’s mantle

Rachel: i fucking wish
god
that’s the show we deserve

Jenny: hire us netflix

CC: hire us!!!

Rachel: lol with that, y’all wanna do final thoughts?

CC: yes!
i’ve got one
right off the bat
I DID NOT LIKE THIS EPISODE
I HAVE NO STOMACH FOR BODY HORROR

Jenny: it was too much

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - salem gif

CC: me
this whole episode

Rachel: i legit had to look away at all the hilda stuff

Jenny: yeah it was def v bad

CC: this show has put us through a lot
also if hilda eats dr c as a spider-woman to get rid of the proposal plot point i 100% want nothing more to do with this show!!!
I know that’s a real worst case scenario but my heart couldn’t take it

Jenny: beyond fair

Rachel: 100000% +1
my final thought is kind of a bummer but
i miss last season prudence 😞
this season she’s just like a hot accessory
i miss her being mean and interesting!!

Jenny: oh man yeah
i miss when she would plot things

Rachel: she was so integral

Jenny: i mean — hard to do w/o her sisters, but still
there are other people w/ whom she could conspire
for instance

A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: Season 3, Episode 5 - gryla returns

my final thought
GRYLA RETURNS

CC: [final thot]

Jenny: LOL

Rachel: lolllll

Jenny: she’s a gift and i am grateful to see her wrath
i honestly hope the next episode isn’t just “wow we diffused that so easily” and is instead “wow you have wiped out so much of our flock and now you are wiping out the pagans just as easily”
no longer the chilling adventures of sabrina, but the murderous adventures of frost queen gryla

CC: you can’t just assemble the avengers of mean witches and do nothing with that plot point
i mean: you can, but also, how dare

Jenny: !!!
truly !!!
how. dare.

Rachel: wow a hedgewitches spin-off would be great though

CC: amen!! and also
hire!!! us!!!! netflix!!!!!!

In the mood for even more Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Hot Takes? Head on over to our Patreon and check out some extra content we couldn’t fit into this post.

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.