Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. On one hand, this episode includes a handful of hedge witches & some next-level dramatic exits. On the other: buckle in for a whole lot of sadness.
CC: SIGH
OKAY
LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS
Jenny: it was so much
too much?
before we get too into it:
i checked IMDB and hilda, zelda, and dr c are all on the cast list for the finale
CC: better not be flashbacks etc
BETTER NOT BE
Rachel: i’ll FLIP if it is
CC: I stg if Dr C is not revived or confirmed alive by the end of this season I’m out!!!!
Jenny: firmly agree
CC: the proportion of suffering to not suffering in this show has tipped too far into only suffering!!!!!
Rachel: before we get too far: episode summary??
CC: v fair let’s do it
Jenny: lol hilda goes full spider mutant, traps and eats a wayward southside serpent, cocoons dr c; BUT to make all of this hurt more, they FINALLY gave us not one but TWO scenes of hilda and dr c hanging out and being in love!! and i live for it!!
Rachel: it’s true #GoingSteady vibes!!
Jenny: also i guess they’re making calibanXsabrina a thing officially — he proposed a political alliance (marriage), and she has not said no, exactly. mostly, sabrina did a spell to cut off all of the feelings she had for nick AND harvey so that’s definitely not going to backfire
also zelda was kind of a xenophobic asshole and spent a lot of this ep ordering people around?? and then mary wardwell shot her and she’s dying
Rachel: they are spending a lot of episode time trying to hint that HARVEY has been in love with SABRINA and not ROZ this whole time!!!!! which I HATE
Jenny: I HATE IT
CC: SO GROSS
also not even really implied by the show itself til this moment
Jenny: Aphrodite has rejected his love for roz as being fake
Rachel: what does aphrodite even know
CC: LMAO rachel I was thinking the same thing
Jenny: but i would like to submit that it is these writers’ understandings of human relationships that is fake
CC: didn’t you know:
the first person you fell in love with is your one true love
that can never be altered by time, or adult relationships where you meet as fully formed humans???
gotta be the very first person you kiss at 16 years old only
Jenny: oh yeah that’s just science
also science:
Jenny: Special epoxy
definitely not craft store epoxy
Rachel: i laughed out loud at this
CC: etsy epoxy
Rachel: you know he’s just going to Joann’s
CC: LOL
Jenny: but he does it in a whirl of flame, so it’s still cool
CC: was that even necessary
Jenny: he’s a dramatic bitch!
Rachel: honestly i do appreciate and respect a good exit
if i could, i’d exit every room that way too
Jenny: same!
CC: ok, ok fair enough
caliban never looked more like a baby hemsworth clone than in this episode
Jenny: truly
Jenny: it was nice to see him making an effort imo
put on a shirt and everything
Rachel: look at him in this tshirt he stole from a target
prince of hell indeed
CC: wasn’t even a tuxedo shirt tho
show some respect
jk he definitely has that holister ad circa 2004 Look tho for sure
Jenny: LOL
v real
also
just on the subject of caliban and also these writers being garbage
Jenny: i think this is one of those times where i forget that this is a show for children
but also doesn’t every middle school english teacher have a greek mythology segment?
hasn’t every teen read those damn rick riordan books?
Rachel: lol i haven’t but i did go through a greek mythology wikipedia hole at some point
Jenny: how has she gotten this far w/o having seen my fair lady??
CC: agreed
maybe Kids Today ™ will only see it if there’s a remake
Jenny: lol ok
CC: [yells from my porch while shaking a newspaper vaguely threateningly at the sky]
Jenny: in any case, when caliban tells sabrina the myth of pygmalion (which — bad, btw; not beautiful) she’s just like: wow that’s beautiful
bad writing
Rachel: i just don’t like this sandman world
where for some reason all the mythologies exist but don’t interact
stupid
it only works in sandman and i will not accept it anywhere else!!
Jenny: truly!
you know who else won’t accept it??
Jenny: She Is a CATH-O-LIC
mambo marie is not hear to TEACH us or HELP us LEARN AND GROW
CC: while I hated Zelda here so much
I submit to the academy,
for your consideration
Rachel: i mean, i ship it
Jenny: lol yes she came around
but also this was a great moment for prudence!!
we were just talking last week about how we wanted more of the old prudence and she’s out here! doing things! making her own decisions!
and i love that for her
Rachel: yes!!!!
prudence has come in to her own power and it’s finally showing
the writers are finally giving her things that exhibit that new space she’s occupying in the coven
i got real nervous about this interaction at first
but i’m with prudence – i’m here for Mambo and Zelda to make eyes at each other now
Jenny: hell yes
CC: more of that and also the bad witch booze hour and less of literally everything else in this episode LOL
Jenny: lol v fair
Rachel: lol yes the booze hour was very practical magic
Jenny: TRULY!!
but also while we’re on the subject of people making eyes at each other
Jenny: i feel like SO MANY THINGS happened in this episode???
Rachel: agh i still hate how lilith is out here on her own, doing what she can to survive
i hate that sabrina didn’t warn her and i hate that the coven isn’t helping her
Jenny: i know!!
she deserves so much!!
everything!
for one:
Jenny: how can you not help someone who looks this good!!
what a LOOK!!!
CC: how tf dare they honestly
Jenny: and watching zelda reject her! heartbreaking!
Jenny: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO PRAY TO HER!
THIS WAS YOUR IDEA!
CC: lilith gets more done before breakfast than the whole cast of this show gets done all day
Rachel: oh also can we talk about the timeline of this episode
it’s just like 1 single day????
nick breaks up with her and hours later she’s just like “yeah… nick and i broke up………. like, just now….”
Rachel: THIS IS LIKE 4 HOURS LATER
CC: OH YEAH
jeez
have any of them slept in like
a week?
Rachel: unclear
there’s just a lot going on and i feel like the threads are getting lost
Jenny: no wonder they’re making such bad decisions
CC: oh
speaking of bad decisions
alright so: I’ve never been more unhappy to be right with my predictions but
while I am all for mary wardwell getting her vengeance
the dark lord’s priest cosplay
it was gross
i hate this and i hate him
Jenny: too right
Rachel: it made me sad that wardwell gave lilith up so easily
Jenny: this whole scene — I was CONVINCED that Mary was Lilith in disguise here
and actual mary was conked out somewhere
and i guess the fact that mary was actually mary the whole time was unexpected? in the sense that i expected a twist? i expected some depth?? i expected the basics from these writers???
is it actually genius that everything is exactly as it seems??
Rachel: honestly it’s so hard for me to evaluate this show sometimes
like it doing something i don’t expect is good, but also i feel like how it actually unfolded was disappointing
CC: yeah like
after everything this episode did to us
i just wanted
ONE THING
just like ONE SMALL THING here
some kind of clever subterfuge
also for all the crap zelda has done lately i did not like that she died for the dark lord’s crime
Rachel: yeah that sucks
i guess to the dark lord’s credit, he successfully turned a ‘good christian’ into a straight up murderer
Jenny: oooh good point
would love to see mary wardwell grapple w that
like yeah she was a witch but she was also your neighbor!
would love to see mary wardwell put some pieces together
solve the mystery of her missing memories
still waiting on that
CC: also like: look, mary, my dude:
if the devil could be anybody
anybody AT ALL
maaaaybe it could also be the sketchy as hell local tv commercial extra priest who just banged on your door in what seems like the middle of the night
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
i mean who’s to say, really
Rachel: glad they kept the actor for Adam on retainer just for this very brief cameo i guess
CC: good for him lol
Rachel: i mean, get that work, for sure
Jenny: you know who else i was happy to see return?
Jenny: our girl gryla – frost witch of the mountains
but also all of the hedge witches were great???
CC: river witch
love
Jenny: but also the way ambrose went through and logged what each of them does
felt very lazy in much the same way that the pygmalion explanation felt lazy
Rachel: lol 100%
these witches seem cool, would be nice if they could be woven in in a way that is interesting
instead of ambrose doing a brief AMA with each
Jenny: lol
yeah this ep was v busy and also just v exposition-heavy?
like so much happened and so much got explained
perhaps esp the clarification we got on this bullshit
Jenny: which, i feel like we mostly knew? but good to get confirmed
Rachel: i know we’ve said this before, but the emphasis on virginity in this arc is just a thing i think is gross
Jenny: very agree
esp in media designed for kids and teens
feels weird
CC: yeah — very much agreed and also like
can’t we just have a couple of teens decide whether or not they want to take that step without supernatural consequences???
Jenny: is that so much to ask??
CC: feels v buffy honestly
Jenny: you’re not wrong
perhaps esp
Jenny: wasn’t that the thing w angel? like, if he felt true happiness he would lose his soul — so to keep loving buffy he had to leave? (or w/e)
CC: something like that
Jenny: v complicated
CC: ughhhhhhh
before we wrap up, I do want to talk about the subject I at least have been trying to avoid
did
did hilda lay spider eggs in dr c or just drain his blood
god
what a question to have to ask
Rachel: i don’t know!!!!!!
it seems like he’s dead, she said it and i think zelda did too
Jenny: i want to say that she just mummified him? for later use?
unclear
he is on the cast list for the finale, but i guess that doesn’t mean much
if he’s for real dead i’m out
Rachel: i’m also out
CC: me 3
Rachel: i can’t handle the fact that he’s dead and hilda killed him
CC: how dare this show
Jenny: took the ONE GOOD THING
Rachel: well that’s a good segway to my final thought
if y’all are ready?
Jenny: go for it
CC: god never more ready
Rachel: ok i love hilda and dr. cee, it is known
but this —
Jenny: LOL you called it!!
Rachel: love that they’re doing local theatre together but maybe SWEENEY TODD isn’t as romantic as people think it is???
(it’s definitely not)
doesn’t Todd kill her at the end?????
Jenny: that sounds right
CC: i have never seen a musical* so i am not sure but yeah that sounds right to me!
Jenny: my final thought is coming back to prudence
she was so good in this episode! making decisions! taking action!
but also!
she was sure to make time to read hilda’s horny book to the dorcas statue! just in case she could still hear and was just super bored!
Jenny: loved this little insight into what she’s up to when sabrina’s not around!
CC: GOD
MY HEART
ok, my final thought is simple
and also more of a feeling
and it’s all i’ve got left in me rn
CC: I thought this one would never come back around but honestly:
Rachel: TAKE NOTES, RAS
CC: HIRE THE SALEM PUPPET RAS
Jenny: HIRE HIM!!
All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.
