Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Now that — praise Hecate — we have finally finished Season 3, here are all our predictions for the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’s hellscape in Season 4.
Jenny: so i’d like to start off by saying that i know this is a Predictions post, but all the time i spent trying to figure out my predictions, i kept butting up against “what i want to happen” and “what i expect these garbage writers to do”
so, like, my Prediction for Hilda is EITHER, she moves out of the mortuary and in w Dr C — OR dr c moves into the mortuary, a la Mr. Knightly
but in either case, i think what these writers will end up doing is making hilda’s living situation a big point of contention w zelda, which hilda eventually loses
and then hilda and c are unhappy and it’s stupid
Rachel: Ugh
CC: UGH
Rachel: I think your right though, that we should distinguish what we want vs what we expect here
My prediction is that Hilda’s wedding will mark the midpoint of the next season
But some lovecraftian horror will crash it with Blackwood
And he’ll come in all “why wasn’t I invited???” And then smirk sinisterly
Jenny: oh god i can see it
CC: EW
Jenny: like maleficent but shitty
CC: how dare
Jenny: lol
CC: i predict that if this happens, hilda will kill him, at least temporarily, for ruining her wedding
Jenny: LOL i hope so
can we dwell a moment in hilda’s wedding
would love to hear some predictions for that
colors? flowers? dress?
Rachel: Well they love classic horror, maybe like a vintage theme??
Jenny: OOOH!
they could go full tack and dress up like the addams!! would be p cute and charming actually
CC: I predict that Hilda’s wedding dress will be black, bc, v subtle, of course
and I also predict that Ms Havisham will be revealed to be an Actual Crone in the universe of the show and will somehow also cause mayhem at the wedding
again, bc: subtle
Jenny: i’m trying to remember zelda’s wedding to blackwood — what were the rituals of witch weddings?? (i predict that the writers will also forget and there will be massive discrepancies)
CC: I think you are absolutely right
Jenny: was zelda’s dress black?
i can’t remember
OOH! i bet there’ll be a musical number though
Rachel: oh FOR SURE
Jenny: she’ll hire the Fright Club to be her wedding band
Rachel: That’s cute actually lol
CC: yeah that is v cute
Jenny: it could be nice for roz and harvey to get a little break so they can have a slow dance
but also i could see this as a moment when things get Dramatic for them
Rachel: Oh and Zelda and Marie!!
Jenny: oh HELL YES
zelda gives a speech that’s supposed to be about hilda but is actually just about how much she likes marie
CC: oh zelds
Rachel: I love thattt
And you’re def right, the writers are not done with the “but does Harvey ACTUALLY love Sabrina” thread
Jenny: definitely they’re still stuck on it
but here’s where i’m at
like — sabrina did the wick cutting ceremony w both nick and harvey, so presumably she does not have any feelings for either of them; i could see them try to play it as, like ‘True Love’ cannot be cut w a simple spell, but also they have 0 chemistry so idk
mostly i’m hoping that sabrina gets at least half of the next season to be single and learn how to be a good friend?? but i’m expecting that she’ll just get a new love interest
CC: caliban isn’t dead, unfortunately
that is, sadly, my prediction
Jenny: oh GOD
CC: you don’t just throw away an australian hunk
Jenny: lol
CC: out with yesterday’s warlocks
i also predict that Lilith will do something completely bonkers
Jenny: like have satan’s child?
CC: like have it and then eat it in front of him or something
Rachel: Revenge for Adam??
CC: OH
GOOD
CALL
Rachel: Oh she’s gonna trick satan into eating the baby!!
CC: amazing
wow guys
we’re
so good at this
Jenny: OH MY GODD!!!
OH MY GODDDDDDD!!!!!
Rachel: Yep
Jenny: genius
Rachel: Is eating a baby too far??? Even for this show??
Maybe she’ll just make Satan THINK he ate his own son
CC: it’ll be like, a literal goat or something
Jenny: not if he swallows the baby whole and then the baby breaks out through his abdomen
Rachel: But she’ll sneak him away with the old witch in the woods
Jenny: oh i could def see that
CC: do y’all see anything cool happening with the hedge witches?
or anything at all?
I am sad to predict they might end up vanishing within like, 2 episodes
Jenny: a good point — would love to see it; but do not expect it
probably they’ll be like — it’s too unpleasant to live communally; we will return all to our respective bogs and mountains
Rachel: If they even get one mention at all
Jenny: v fair
CC: i mean but: good for them, honestly
take me with you, crones!!!!
Jenny: truly!!
Rachel: Hmm ok, predictions for Prudence?
Jenny: slums it w nick but gets bored
CC: she and nick will hook up and the show will play it like they have chemistry but it’ll just be super awk
Jenny: maybe gets a side plot where she’s hunting down blackwood?
CC: i hope so
Jenny: never forgives ambrose, but they tease it like maybe she will
sad
poor bb ambrose — the only voice of reason in this whole damn mess
Rachel: 🙁
CC: oh dang, speaking of voice of reason
I have a big prediction for the two sabrinas
Rachel: LOL I already forgot about that!!!
Jenny: lololololol
CC: one of them — probably the one who is trying to go inherit hell — will get hella killed really early in the season, somehow ripping the time loop wide open and causing crone @ home sabrina to be in exactly the same situation she’s always been in re: straddling two words
OR, crone @ home sabrina will get bored and have to overthrow herself for w/e reason
Jenny: oh i 1000% see it
Rachel: Yeah Sabrina v Sabrina
Jenny: more the former but god yeah could see that latter too
someone will have to deal the killing blow but the two sabrina’s are both trying to convince whoever it is that they’re the True Sabrina
exhausting
CC: ????????????
Rachel: At some point, Sabrina will say “you know that really old movie that Ambrose likes, Highlander???”
CC: EW
Jenny: LOLOLOLOL
i am CACKLING
CC: “you know that really old TV show ambrose likes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”
“you know that really old TV show ambrose likes, Mean Girls?”
Rachel: Lol
Predict they will get at least one line in that format in every episode
Jenny: lol
do we have any predictions for theo?
how long can this hobgoblin last?
Rachel: I just want…. Theo to be happy…..
Jenny: i mean same, but also
CC: i forgot about hobgoblin
wish he had been an anglerfishman after all
Jenny: what are the chances that the ghost of his aunt or whatever comes to him and tells him that the hobgoblin cannot be trusted??
Rachel: There’s still time honestly
Oh I FORGOT
ABOUT DOROTHEA
Jenny: i’m still p firmly in the “the ghost is fake, conjured by lilith” camp and we’ve yet to see lilith make theo unhappy, but…
it’s never too late
it could still happen
CC: theo will kill a bad guy by stabbing them right in the heart
and it will be metal as hell
Jenny: god i want that for him
Rachel: Theo will save his hobgoblin bf
His hobgoblin bf will swoon
Jenny: you love to see it
Rachel: the way to make me like Robin is to have him treat Theo the way that Dr Cee treats Hilda
Just absolute adoration
CC: i love 2 see it
i love 2 see it and only it in these trying times
by “it” i mean love and adoration
Jenny: (and if you also love to see it, check out GOING STEADY)
????
CC: from a guy that is sort of a demon in a really dorky way to somebody who is kind and has a good heart and would absolutely stab a bad guy without hesitation if called to do so
Rachel: Hmm I’m trying to think of who else is even in this show
Jenny: i mean — the dream
salem?
Rachel: Oh man
CC: salem will talk in season 4
Jenny: i predict that salem will continue to get absolutely no screen time
LOL cc
CC: I say it every season and someday it will be true
Rachel: Lollll
CC:
Rachel: I hope you’re right but I think Jenny will actually be right
CC: LOOK: i’ve been wrong before, I know
but i got a feelin in my bones
season 4 is the one where salem will talk
Rachel: And it’ll be the same voice actor
Jenny: GOD we should be so lucky
CC: jk jk jenny’s right but stranger things have absolutely happened on this show, like spending an entire season with pagan carnies
Jenny: lol
thinking again about who actually is in this show
i’m thinking more about roz, and i actually would not be surprised if they introduce a new character to steal her away from harv
CC: or…….not a new character…….
……..
Rachel: Oh you know what, I bet it’ll be her ex
Whoever she lost her virginity to
Jenny: ugh
Rachel: Because in this show that shit matters and it’s so dumb
CC: I’m honestly so surprised they remembered that detail
it’s the kind of continuity i never expect from this show
Rachel: Lol you’re absolutely right
CC: i mean: the odds are not great, but hey, Jenny predicted prudence x roz and I am still Here For It
Jenny: oh god! we can only hope
CC:
CC: these scenes were like, seconds apart
sword wedding or bust
i am here for it
Rachel: God please
Jenny: !!!!!
CC: this is more of a hope than a prediction, but I really hope harvey backs away from the edge of going full-on archie andrews
Jenny: truly truly
CC: if he starts a masked vigilante group, y’all
i
idk if I can do it
lol
Jenny: oh! that’s something!
do y’all want to predict our “fuck this shit i’m out” moments
like, if they for real kill dr c — i will not continue to watch this show
Rachel: Oh that should be our wrap up!
Just since this whole thing is kind of our final thoughts on the season
CC: agreed
I’m ready if y’all are!
Rachel: Yes!
Jenny: same!
CC: I am absolutely O U T if they harm ONE MORE HAIR on Dr C’s precious head
ok fine:
if they even pretend like they would actually kill this precious man
Rachel: 100%
Jenny: v much agreed
Rachel: That’s honestly the thing I feel the most strongly about
Jenny: same same
but i’ll say as well:
i think i’ll be p out on this show the more it becomes like riverdale
like — the constant escalation; the speakeasy that doesn’t serve alcohol; the secret fight club in a for-profit prison
i just want some good, cozy magic in the next season
get back the roots w this triple goddess stuff
CC: seriously
Rachel: Agreeeeed
Jenny: and some nice domestic scenes w hilda and c would be great too
Rachel: We deserve that content
I don’t have like a single thing I can point to here, but the whole deal with Lilith’s baby makes me nervous
And depending on how that goes, I could be out
Jenny: oh V FAIR
Rachel: If that baby is like the twilight baby, for instance
And it grows up overnight and is hot
Jenny: lol GOD
fucking of course it will though
Rachel: Like they were so close to doing that with the Blackwood twins
CC: going from 1 (“not problematic at all”) to 10 (“comments posted to the Cracker Barrel’s facebook wall”), I predict it will reach like: maybe a 7 in the “oh god why are they doing this when they should know better in 2020” scale
Rachel: True
Jenny: LOL Yes
Rachel: If it only gets to a 7, I might not be out
But honestly anything 9 or above and it’s a hard out
CC: same
one other thing for me that’s a hard out
I am a big wimp. I can only handle so much body horror, and they really PUT US THRU IT this season
Jenny: oh man yeah a v fair consideration
CC: if this show goes through any more extended, multi-episode body horror fiascos torturing Hilda, like: bye
it’s been real
see u never
once was enough
Jenny: truly
so, uhh…. don’t let us down Netflix!
maybe hire us!?!
Rachel: Hire Jenny at least!!!!!! For the love of Hecate
Jenny: i have So Many ideas for a hilda/c spin off — this could be what your audience needs in 2020
CC: the Practical Magic-vibed content we crave
Jenny: but w a touch of Keeping Up Appearances and Murder, She Wrote
solid gold for a certain demographic
Rachel: (Which is us!!!)
In the mood for even more Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Hot Takes? Head on over to our Patreon to see how all our Season 3 predictions stacked up!
