Heads up: this post contains spoilers for 2015’s Jupiter Ascending. Don’t read ahead if you don’t want any bit of this DeviantArt space opera ruined for you. Also, please don’t yell at me like Balem Abrasax, I’m just committing to the bit here.
What is there to say about Jupiter Ascending? The Wachowskis’ infamous space opera flop has elevated itself to near cult status since its release in 2015, and for good reason! There’s intergalactic politics, swishy robes, Eddie Redmayne giving 210% in his performance, and of course, romance. Yes, the romance between the titular regular-girl-turned-heroine (played with earnest effort by Mila Kunis) and dog-human genetic hybrid Caine Wise (Channing Tatum, bless him) is one of the many hallmarks of this movie. What better way to gear up for the most romantic time of the year than by taking cues from this starry-eyed space opera?
In the movie, Jupiter Jones is a simple girl with simple needs. Namely, a large telescope that very much resembles the one her dad was using when he met Jupiter’s mother “on the banks of the Neva” in Russia. It’s a rare moment of sincere emotion, and honestly, a pretty romantic meet cute. Why not take the time to turn your gaze up towards the heavens with your loved one? An oversized telescope, or even a trip to the planetarium will do nicely.
Heely Racing in the Park
Caine Wise isn’t just a dreamboat — he’s a *genetically engineered* dreamboat, which means, yes, he did have angel wings (and he gets them back by the end of the movie). But for the majority of the film, our poor dog boyfriend has flight boots to help him zoom along. Since differential equations don’t actually have the power to levitate boots in our universe, heelys are the next best thing. Pack some snacks, your finest pair of 2000s footwear, and you’re set to have an adventure almost as daring as Jupiter and Caine’s.
By now, if there’s one thing you know about Jupiter Ascending, it’s that Eddie Redmayne is in it and boy, is he Doing Some Acting™. There’s a lot of whispers and teary-eyed brooding in flowing robes, but more notably, there is YELLING. A LOT OF IT. JUST LIKE THISSSS. Why not bring that same intensity and passion into a screaming match with your partner? Recreate scenes from the movie (if y’all’re parents, you can definitely yell “I CREATE LIIIIFE” with zero irony), yell about whatever you want, or just make it silly.
Go Robe Shopping
As mentioned in the previous point, there are a lot of fabulous robes in this movie. Why not channel the extra fabulous vibes from the Abrasax clan into a real shopping date! Find your dream space robe with your partner, play dress-up, and then go out in your stunning attire. Alternatively, brooding around your home in a regal space robe is also a flex, so just do whatever feels right for you both!
Couples’ Costume: Cosplay as Your Genetic Hybrid of Choice (wings optional)
Caine Wise is one example of a genetic hybrid soldier (dog x human), but the options for genetic combinations are limitless, especially if you’re looking for a good couples’ costume for a party (or just for funsies). You could go the Sean Bean route (yes he’s in this movie and surprisingly no, he does not die) and be a human x bee hybrid, or channel Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s deer x human hybrid. Better yet, choose your very own human and animal hybrid! Want to pull off a cyberpunk horse x human combo? Go ahead!
Visit an Apiary
Take a note from Sean BEEan (see what I did there?) and test whether you or your partner is royalty by visiting an apiary! Maybe you’ll be able to recreate the scene from Jupiter Ascending where Mila Kunis is gleefully surrounded by bees, who can (apparently) tell she’s the reincarnation of space royalty. Either way, you’ll probably be able to pick up some honey and enjoy some bee friends.
Like any space opera or spectacular sci-fi adventure, there are plenty of action sequences in this movie. Why not try to capture the thrill of outrunning bounty hunters through the magic of laser tag? You can run, jump, barrel roll, and maybe even bring your heelys into the mix!
Make like Kalique Abraxas and indulge in your wildest candle fantasies! You don’t necessarily have to get enough candles to fill a mansion-room-memorial for your reincarnated mom, but you can certainly try. I’m sure the staff at your candle store of choice won’t stop you, but maybe don’t go as hard as Kalique (fire hazards are no joke, y’all)!
Speaking of Kalique, she has a killer beauty regimen. Like, literally, the goop she bathes in is made of humans, lol. Just because you don’t have an overpopulated planet to harvest at your whim doesn’t mean you can’t indulge in some rest and relaxation with your partner! Enjoy a massage, a nice facial, or even just a relaxing bath that doesn’t require distilling 100 human lives beforehand.
Have a Russian Dinner Night!
Jupiter Jones, in addition to being the reincarnation of a space royal, is also part Russian thanks to her biological parents. Although the movie doesn’t really explore her Earthly heritage beyond Jupiter’s big family, you can still enjoy a warm plate of fresh blini and a side of vodka with your partner. за любовь (cheers to love)!
The romance of Jupiter Ascending is almost as legendary as it’s other components, and it even offers a fruitful space for cultivating romantic date ideas of your own! No matter which JA adventure you decide to embark on, you’re bound to have a stellar time. You could even just snuggle up and dive into the movie itself! Either way, here’s to a Valentine’s Day with all the romance of Caine and Jupiter, and none of the intergalactic bounty hunters or space-royalty fuckboys.