#dothething, #rando

Blue Apron From Hell

Step-by-step instructions for preparing the cursed meal of your nightmares

 

Dredged Chicken and Baalfalfa Sprouts

With Corn & Some Fries

 

Blue Apron From Hell: Gnarly Meat Loaf

 

Prep Time: 15 mins and also 60 years

Cook Time: 35 mins

 

Tonight’s dish is an imbrued take on an old classic: this dredged chicken invokes powerful flavors — and powerful forces from the very depths of hell. We took our inspiration from a whole host of sources, blending modern, urban fare with 19th century gothic influences and ancient culinary secrets on the verge of obsolescence. Plus, our veggie-based side dishes add a zesty kick of nutrition for a night of cursing one’s soul to an eternity of torment.

 

Match Your Blue Apron Wine:

Heady & Damned

 

Ingredients:

 

  • 1 leek
  • 12 brown onion
  • 1 bunch alfalfa sprouts
  • 1 oz truffled cortinarius
  • 1 scallion
  • 1 Fancy Lettuce
  • 2 potato
  • 3 black candles
  • 1 packet of “sanguine paste”
  • 1 thunder plum
  • So much garlic
  • 2 pomes
  • Seasonal gourd
  • ½ lb chicken breast

 


 

1) Prepare the ingredients

 

 

  • Light candles. Sterilize defensive cattle prod and preheat to 450 degrees.
  • Dice all onions in the box into neat, symmetrical pieces. Weep. Salt onion with tears. Dice until your hands become gnarled and weathered.
  • Mince potato.
  • Believe in lettuce.
  • Salt and pepper to taste.

 


 

2) Cook steam

 

 

  • Add 1 cup of water and 2 tsp olive oil to pan and boil over medium heat. Remove ¼ cup water and set aside. Pour it back into the pan once it reaches full heat. Gaze into the steam. Keep its warnings in your heart. Disregard them. Reduce heat to medium.
  • Salt and pepper to taste.

 


 

3) Cook remaining nourishment

 

 

  • Prepare the other trivial consumable products you must ingest in order to continue the drudgery of your fleeting life. Add 2 tsp olive oil. 
  • Knead onion and sanguine paste together and shape onion paste into the dread sigil of your choice.
  • Curse the miserable podcast that led you to this point.
  • Salt and pepper to taste.

 


 

4) Prepare

 

 

  • On a cutting board: salt and pepper chicken to taste. Reflect on your mistakes.
  • Lick uncooked chicken.
  • Die.
  • Add 2 tsp olive oil.
  • Sa̘̹͉̳̝l̼̲t̟̝ ̠and̝͇̰ ̘̩͓̥̣̘p̱̮̝͕e͍͇ͅp̙ͅp̤̱e̙͙̙ͅr̝̰̳ ͕̞̜t̯̞̦͔͓͔o ͙̺̼͖̭͚t̘͈̦a͎̥̮s̹̟̟͖̪tẹ̬͔̦̻̲.

 

5) Finish

 

 

  • In a separate bowl, pour 2 cups olive oil in 2 tbsp increments. Learn fractions?
  • Feel yourself become imbued with powers you can’t control, at the cost of your immortal soul.
  • You no longer enjoy the taste of food. You know neither taste, nor enjoyment. You are beyond nourishment.
  • Salt and pepper to taste.

 


 

 

6) s̥͉̯̻͙̥̫̜̟͋̉ͬ̈̆͂̈́a̪͖̜͎̬ͧ͌͋ͤ̾͂̈́̀̋l͈͇͉̑ͩ̀ͣ̄ͪͅt͉͚̱̝͙̹̞ͩͩ̒ͥ̆ ̩͚̹͉ͭ̾a͇͈͇͓̳̽̎͛̈́͑̅̿ṉ̤͉̪̯̙̻͌ͫ͆̂̓ͫͥd͇͙͈̬̯͌ͩ̈́̇ͦ̚ ̳͉́ͤ̚p͔͙̰͍̞̙͇̒̏ͪ̌ͤe͖͓͆̊̀ͨp̭͉͉̗̖̼̓͒̃̒ͩͯ̔p̹͕̮̰̊ͦͨ̌e̗̩͌ͮ͌̒͑ͮͪͣr̺͒̄̋ ̯͓̻̤̥͎̘͎̇ẗ̪͔̯̘͖̣̱̻́ͬͧ̄o̭͚̜͍̪̩̍͑ͭ͋͌͑̂͗͗ ͚͛͗͛̒ͩͩt͓̙͙̩͇̦ͣͨ̚ͅǎ̰̮͈͈͕͍̻̹̎͗̄͛̓ͮs̹̮̖͍̀̒ͪ͛̚t͎̞̝͓̉̄̓ẽ̘̬̑͋̐̂̎

 

 

  • Convince three friends to sign up for Blue Apron so that you can finally be free from meal delivery kit hell.
  • Change your name.
  • Salt and pepper to taste.

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror in blood during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

© 2014 - 2017 Carolynn Calabrese and POMEgranate Magazine

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