Cthulhu’s Summer Vacation

5 Hot Vacation Spots for the Adventurous Elder God

June 22, 2016 at 1:49 pm

I, Cthulhu, The Great Old One, the High Priest of the Great Old Ones, The Great Dreamer, am exhausted. After years upon years of listening to the drones of cultists and the screams of the insane, I need a break. Everyone needs to take time to unwind during the summer, even part-octopus, part-dragon Elder Gods. Here are my top five places to to reinvigorate myself after many months of torturing the lesser beings of the world.

 


 

Bow of Titanic - 1999 (speaker

 

The Titanic shipwreck

As a fan of human suffering and disaster, I like to visit the site of the most famous shipwreck in history, the Titanic. It’s my number one favorite destination to unwind. There I relax while reliving the screams of hundreds as they succumb to their watery grave. (Oh, did I say reliving? I meant, imagining. I definitely did not have anything to do with moving the iceberg directly into the path of the Titanic.)

 


 

IMAGE PROVIDED BY CHANNEL 5

The Bermuda Triangle

I can’t think of many better places for me to recharge than the Bermuda Triangle. This vacation spot has a long history of plane and ship disappearances which incidentally makes it easy to pick off a couple of vessels teeming with mortal life without drawing too much attention to myself. I appreciate that the Bermuda Triangle also contains a power whose source is elusive to even me. Fortunately, I can tap into that power to draw strength from it (along with the occasional human snack) so that I am refreshed for the day I take over the world.

 


 

cthulhu-3

 

Grace Bay

Grace Bay was voted the best beach by those meatsacks at Trip Advisor in 2015. You might think this would make it a wonderful place for humans to vacation, but you would be so incredibly wrong. And I am banking on your ignorance. While beachgoers are entranced by the tranquil beauty of crystal blue waters and warm sand, I can attack them unawares and devour them. It’s easy pickings.

 


 

cthulhu-4

 

The Pacific Ring of Fire

The Pacific Ring of Fire is a particularly active region of the ocean where many volcanic eruptions and earthquakes occur each year. I love to lay along the ocean floor and allow the vibrations of the earth to massage my aching appendages. And if the ocean floor cracks open, I will be the first one there to greet any other Elder Gods who may have arisen.

 


 

cthulhu-5

 

Underwater Crop Circle

This mysterious phenomenon is found on the ocean floor near the island of Anami Oshima in Japan. While there has been much speculation about what created the Underwater Crop Circle, I know its true story. The crop circle is a sign that all the Elder Gods will soon rise and devour the earth. However, Elder Gods run on their own time and “soon” could mean any time in the next millennia. So I like to make a yearly pilgrimage to the Underwater Crop Circle in order to dream about the day when I and my fellow Elder Gods will rule the world.

 


 

Every summer I hope is the last I have to spend without the Elder God squad, but if they want to sleep in a little longer, I don’t mind the extra vacation time. Wherever I spend the summer, I know that after some time lounging (or causing mayhem) at my favorite locales, I’ll be re-energized and ready to take on the world again.

 

Brittney Martinez

Brittney is a big femmy feminist who loves books. Like, really loves books. She's also a psychology nerd who is silently diagnosing you during conversations. When not in her armchair, she loves hanging out with her boy toy and her pup.