As a mermaid and the official reporter covering POME’s mermaid beat, I was ready to approach the news of the gender-bent Splash remake with cautious optimism. The original 1984 movie was a staple of my adolescence; I must have watched it dozens of times in junior high. Like many other girls and women, it was one of a few key films that inspired my lifelong love of mermaids. Could a remake inspire today’s youth the same way? Will it do mermaids* justice? (*As I’ve mentioned in the past, I like to use “mermaid” as a gender-neutral term, out of some small act of rebellion, I guess. I just don’t see any reason to change nouns when the tail is attached to a dude.)
I’ve since realized that the original didn’t actually set a high benchmark. In the interest of journalism, I re-watched Splash for the first time in more than two decades, and. . . Oh, man. It is not a good movie, I must objectively report. The story I remembered from pre-teen-hood was one of magic and romance, a feel-good movie that never failed to pick me up and make me smile.
With the absence of those young heart eyes, what I got was a sometimes-charming but intensely mediocre and cheesy movie that just happened to have a mermaid in it. Truly, Daryl Hannah’s spot-on performance as Madison is the only thing that makes the film worth watching. Meanwhile, Tom Hanks’s Allen is an instantly forgettable Ted Mosby-type with the emotional maturity of a teenage boy. That’s almost fitting, though, since nearly everything about Madison is a walking wet dream: she’s captivated by the insufferably dull Allen for no real reason*, she wants to have sex with him constantly, and at first, she doesn’t even talk! (*The reason is actually that she met him for three seconds when they were children. For real.)
Don’t get me wrong; the movie will always hold a special place in my mermaid heart. Plus, the underwater sequences are still incredible—watching Madison swim through the pretty ocean scenery, into a sunken ship, is genuinely magical, just as I remembered. But overall, the remake has lots of room to improve upon the original. In fact, now that I’ve rewatched it, I’m more excited about this new film’s potential to take Splash’s premise and create something far better—a story that both entertains and respects women of all ages, including those of us who love/are mermaids.
To that end, here are four elements that will help writers knock it out of the park, in my professional opinion.
1) A sweep-you-off-your-feet romance
Flawed as it is, at its heart, the original Splash is really trying to be a feel-good rom-com. For lots of viewers, including myself at age 12, it achieved that goal. And honestly? Now that I’ve rewatched, I see gender-swapping for the brilliant move that it is: in the original, Madison is a quirky manic pixie type whose awkwardness on land mostly just serves to further endear her to Allen.
Let’s see the remake take this formula and run with it . . . in a good way: I hereby cast my vote for Channing Tatum’s mermaid to be The Perfect Man—so kind and respectful to the protag that we’re ALL swooning—even those of us who, ahem, aren’t specifically attracted to Channing Tatum (it’s true). In the original, Allen’s main struggle in life is his inability to find someone worth falling in love with, until a naked, mute woman rescues him from drowning. I say lose the no-talking thing, keep the nudity (only seems fair), and have our new lady protag disillusioned with dating—not because of her own imagined shortcomings, but because so many of the men she meets tend to behave like they plateaued at age 15. Did, um, anyone else just double-check to see if there’s a release date for this remake yet? Haha, no, me neither. (There isn’t.)
2) A male mermaid who isn’t a punchline
The single best thing about the original movie (and the reason young, braces-wearing Alicia watched it over and over again) is that the portrayal of the mermaid is exactly what it should be. When we finally switch to underwater cam and get Madison swimming in the ocean, the scene is fantastical and beautiful, and her tail is the stuff of dreams. Even now, it’s so much fun to watch:
Channing Tatum’s mermaid should be the same thing: majestic, graceful, and awe-inspiring, with a badass tail, not a hilarious joke. If you’re someone who isn’t sure if you can take a male mermaid seriously, I kindly direct your attention to this video of Eric Ducharme, aka The Mertailor, showcasing one of his gorgeous tails. Seeing this, there’s no reason a male mermaid can’t be every bit as magical as Madison was, right?
3) A likeable, emotionally mature protagonist
This isn’t much to ask, and I’m optimistic given the casting of Jillian Bell, but this would put the new movie actual light years ahead of the original. Tom Hanks’s Allen often behaves like a high school asshole: he’s angry and confused when Madison asks for privacy in the bathroom (really?), then later petulant and mean when she refuses to marry him after spending three days together (to be fair, he’s also upset that she won’t tell him where she’s from or why she has to go back, but also to be fair, none of that deterred him from immediately hopping into bed with her). Then, upon learning that the woman he supposedly loves is A) an actual mermaid and B) captured against her will, he responds with ANGER at her—no concern or compassion. Of course, he later stages an elaborate rescue mission, but that’s only after sitting around fretting about how the whole situation has affected him until his brother calls him out on his mopey bullshit.
So yeah, no pressure on our new lady protag, really, but it would be particularly cool if the “mermaid reveal” moment was met with something resembling excitement (your boyfriend is a real-life mermaid, come on!), if understandable disbelief. And, okay, I swear to the sea goddess Salacia herself that if Channing-Mermaid does get captured by weird scientists, and Lady Protag responds like a decent person, and we get the sweet hurt/comfort moment the original film denied us, I WILL ACTUALLY ASCEND TO THE MOON. (Imagine Jillian taking Channing-Mermaid’s face in her hands and promising: “I won’t let them hurt you.” Chills, right?! Anyone?)
4) A Daryl Hannah cameo
Listen, this is a no-brainer. Daryl Hannah is a queen in mermaid circles; her iconic performance is maybe the single redeeming quality in Splash, and Madison has inspired generations of girls/women to love mermaids. I’m trying to think of an example of what the best Daryl Hannah cameo could be, but my head is swimming with options—like maybe she’s the protag’s boss or something, and maybe they work on Madison Ave., and maybe she rocks suits and ties like the queen she is, because that look is never over, thanks.
Honestly, though, I can’t even think of a way to mess up this cameo. PLEASE.
Suffice it to say I’m feeling way more optimistic about this remake than I originally was, but I still have some specific hopes. It sounds like it’s in good hands, and I actually feel like we could finally get a fun and positive movie about a human/mermaid romance that becomes another staple for viewers of all ages. Fingers and fins crossed.