Grease, but Gay
August 3, 2017 at 10:50 am
This article is a part of Summer Lovin’ Week 2017.
I watched soooooo much Grease as a kid. My family had it on VHS and I watched it over and over and over again. It’s not for everybody and it’s got its problems for sure but I fucking love these characters and their amazing ability to put voice and music to all their innermost thoughts. Also, this movie is sexy!!!! When you are a young kid who has ideas about kissing people some day, this movie gives you a magical glimpse into what you assume/hope adolescence is maybe like. Now, two decades later, I’m ready to take Grease to the next step — headcanoning everybody to be gay and imagining who they would kiss!!!!!
Danny & Kenickie
Let’s just start with the obvious here. Danny & Kenickie are OBVIOUSLY in love and they will be VERY HAPPY TOGETHER. Nothing means more to them than this relationship, and even when they can’t express that love with words, they’ll exuberantly pat each other on the back until they get embarrassed, and then walk away combing their hair and sneaking glances at each other through their perfect coiffures. And then later they will make out, I AM CONVINCED OF IT.
Sandy & Rizzo
This is also obvious, and it is also something I have yearned for my ENTIRE LIFE. Rizzo doesn’t get jealous of Sandy because she wants Danny for herself — she gets jealous because she thinks Sandy is a beautiful tropical fish and she wants to put her mouth on Sandy’s mouth! This is the only canon I will accept.
Frenchie & Cha Cha
Look, listen to me — Cha Cha is fabulous and so is French, and they are the only people fabulous enough for each other. They are the ultimate power couple. They are the most fashionable couple you know. They take the best selfies together. They will adopt several small dogs and those dogs will also be fabulous. Frenchie and Cha Cha will propel each other to new aesthetic heights, but also they will love each other very dearly and with great tenderness!!
Doody & Sonny & Putzie
If ever three dudes were kissing each other, it was these three dudes.
Jan & Patty
They both like a good pair of eye accessories! Patty is uptight and studious! Jan is a loose cannon that also loves to snack! I don’t know why but I see this definitely working??
Tom & Eugene
There is no pairing that warms my heart more than that of handsome-beige-paint-chip Tom Chisum falling deeply, madly in love with gangly-nerd-stereotype Eugene Felsnic. I imagine Tom swooping in to stop some bullies (the greasers) from giving poor Eugene a swirly, and in return, Eugene helps him with his chemistry homework. Eugene lets out a nervous, overly loud snort-laugh, and Tom’s whole face lights up with joy. An earnest, pure love blossoms. Lots of kissing is involved!!!
Blanche & Principal McGee
This couple is the one that nags each other constantly, but throughout every interaction is a genuine undercurrent of deep, everlasting affection. These ladies are so different in temperament and style, they perfectly compliment each other and deftly handle everything the world has thrown at them. Maybe they are high school sweethearts?? MAYBE THEY MET AT RYDELL HIGH AND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER EVER SINCE????
Leo & Teen Angel
Who better to set straight a rough-and-tumble kid like Leo, notorious leader of The Scorpions greaser gang, than a literal Teen Angel??? Teen Angel emerged from Frenchie’s head like Athena from the crown of Zeus, and now he’s here to set all wayward youths on their righteous paths. In the case of Leo’s path, I am sure it will involve smooching. And cuddling.
Johnny Casino & all of the Gamblers
These dudes are all in a polyamorous relationship with each other and nobody can convince me otherwise.
Marty & ???
Marty Maraschino is the most heterosexual person in this movie. Sorry!!