Horoscopes

Ominous Portents from the Great Beyond

April 29, 2016 at 1:14 pm

Powerful celestial forces shift and mold our everyday lives in unexpected ways. Heed these premonitions or beware the wrath of the stars.


taurus

April 20 – May 20

Mercury is probably in retrograde again, so you should probably watch out! Definitely don’t spend $20 on discount sour candy from Walgreens and eat it all in one day. I mean, you probably shouldn’t ever do that, but you should be especially careful right now.

Your power color is any color except sour apple green.

 


gemini

May 21 – June 20

Look: you really need to cut it out with the whole taking-off-masks-to-reveal-another-mask-underneath thing. You might think it’s cute, but it’s not. Nobody thinks it’s funny anymore. In fact, they never did. They’re too nice to say it, but I’m not. I’m only saying this because I care about you.

Your power color is chartreuse.

 


cancer

June 21 – July 22

I know that you’re out of period dramas to binge watch, but there is no reason on earth to start reading Amish romance fiction. You really don’t need that in your life. I hear that Netflix original mounty romance drama is pretty good.

Your power color is… well, is there really any way to favor one color over another? They’re all great. I guess it just depends on the day and the circumstances.

 


leo

July 23 – August 22

Your brand will never be stronger than it is right now. Like, actually right now, as you read this message. It will start rapidly depreciating about thirty seconds after you read this sentence. With the full moon on your eastern seaboard, you are full of lion energy. I’d tell you to take advantage of it but it’s too late now lol

Your power color was brighter yesterday.

 


virgo

August 23 – September 22

This is the month to do something you’ve never done before. Mercury looks like it’s doing a cool thing, and there are like, three low-hanging satellites crowding your arcana. Dance like no one is watching, because no one is watching, because you haven’t left your apartment. Leave your apartment.

Your power color would look dope under a blacklight.

 


libra

September 23 – October 22

Katie Hernandez: don’t go to Denny’s this weekend. You’re gonna have a bad time, you’re gonna regret it.

Everybody else: you’re fine to do whatever, go chase that rainbow.

Katie Hernandez: your power color isn’t found at Denny’s.

Everybody else: it’s blue.

 


scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Hey buddy. You goin’ to the bone zone this weekend? You goin’…downtown? You gonna do…sex things?

Yeah, us too.

Totally.

Your power color is a sexy purple.

 


sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your high school reunion will be exactly as miserable as you expect it to be, except you’ll wish you were more drunk, so don’t forget your flask. Go say hi to your formerly hot English teacher in an attempt to make up for how awkward you were as a teen (you won’t).

Your power color is red, like the questionable punch you will consume too much of.

 


capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You don’t need to keep watching Rushmore on the eve of the anniversary of your break up with your “true love” from high school. It’s been 12 years. Prom was 1000% less magical than you remember it being. Time to sign up for a Tinder account and meet an adult you can project your fantasies onto instead.

Your power color is forever tainted by an Instagram sepia filter. You do that to yourself.

 


aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You think you’re Clint Eastwood, but we all know you’re actually celebrated Vine star Maple the Dog. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Embrace the warm, cute l’il fluffy puff you are deep down. Jupiter ascends this month so this is a good time for dog analogies.

You know what your power color is. You just need to let it shine.

 


pisces

February 19 – March 20

Mercury is in retrograde, so now is a really bad time to invite your friends to your very sincere but off-putting improv show dedicated to the rise and fall of your favorite Full House character. They’d really, really like to go, but you know…retrograde.

Your power color is [audience suggestion].

 


aries

March 21 – April 19

There’s a lot going on in your life right now. Opportunity is knocking at your door. The changing seasons brings all sorts of new smells your way, but you can handle it. You’re sooo good. You’re so good!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your power color is

flower-dog-costume-with-separate-flower-headpiece-1

 

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