Magical Swimsuits: Decoding Their Arcane Properties
As it turns out, there is magic in the madness under all those awkward cutouts
May 18, 2017 at 11:22 am
Now that we’ve all shed (however unwillingly) our winter skins, it’s time to brace ourselves for swimsuit season. It can be overwhelming, yes, to confront eye-watering colors and straps that appear to have no real purpose, to say nothing of the garment’s overall structure or lack thereof. A young crone might be baffled by the new styles and return to last year’s swimwear in all its sun-bleached and stretched-out glory. But don’t worry–there is magic in the madness, if you know how to read it. It’s a bit like learning to read tea leaves, only harder and no one gets any tea. But, if you study the below examples, you, too, will be able to read between the hemlines to find the magical properties hidden in these seemingly bizarre swimsuit fashion choices.
Note the mesmerizing pattern, useful for distracting lesser beings in a pinch. The extra arm straps seem silly at first, but it starts to make sense when you take in the back. The unenlightened will see a woman who doesn’t know how to tie the straps on her top, but the criss-crossing of the straps forms a sigil commonly used with location spells. When invoked, this sigil will guide her and her friends back to their patch of sand. I think we all can agree that limited arm mobility is an acceptable tradeoff for never losing your way on a crowded beach!
You might be thinking, Why would anyone want an unlined floral lace pattern over the delicate skin of their chest, and, well, you’re not wrong. But consider what flowers signify: life, growth, beauty. This delicate pattern is a conduit for good health and prosperity of the wearer. These blessings last as long as the flowers you’ve tanned into your skin!
While this pattern might look awkward (consider, for example, how difficult it will be to reapply sunscreen to the exposed areas!), it is actually quite functional. Taking its cues from nature, this suit is ideal for ocean swimmers, as the bright color will warn sea life that you are not safe to eat and the flashing slits of your pale, exposed flesh will trick oceanic predators into thinking they’re looking at the fierce fangs of a strangely shaped shark. Really, this ensemble facilitates a very formidable protection spell!
The ill-informed might query, Why even bother wearing a top if you have to cover 95 percent of your torso in sunscreen anyway? But you, young crone, you know better, right? Surely you’ve realized that this particular suit gathers and stores solar power at a rate energy companies only dream of. In addition to catching the eyes of passersby, the center cutout draws in and funnels power to the surrounding rows of mesh: a wearable energy grid to be drawn upon as needed. When fully charged, the center cut-out has a distinctive glow–think Iron Man, but with fewer ties to the military industrial complex and way hotter.
This suit is quite genius, actually. The way the mesh draws the eyes upward betrays the suit’s true purpose: enhancing spells related to hovering, flying, and teleportation. The only caveat? The effectiveness of your spells is inversely related to how sunburned you are, so this particular garment-spell combination requires very frequent, full-body reapplications of sunscreen.
A novice will see this one-piece and giggle, assuming its purpose is to make way for Alien chestbursters and keep the cleanup to a minimum. (No one wants alien offspring ruining their swimsuit, after all.) This, obviously, is incorrect. To imply that a crone would willingly perform such dark magicks on herself is a sign of youthful error. As a matter of fact, this suit is a powerful means of disguise, the strongest glamour available on the open market. The wearer can traverse the beach or public swimming pool without anyone remembering her face–a useful thing when conducting clandestine crone business.
This bikini may look cute, but don’t be fooled by the large eyes and toothy edging; the cuteness belies its strength. This suit amplifies any transfiguration spells that its wearer casts. You can determine which suits have this purpose by looking for an animal pattern or likeness. In this case, the suit works best when transforming oneself into a sea creature, but with some extra sage and a prayer to Our Crone on High, you could try for just about anything.
Men’s swimming spellwear is quite rudimentary, still. They have yet to incorporate straps and garment structure into their work, choosing instead to focus on patterns as the main element. It is still a weak area for them (they don’t like to discuss it), with limited capability, but I’ve unearthed one of their attempts.
I can only assume that the iconography is meant to encourage virility and strength, perhaps with a soupçon of protective warding from the bold red lightning bolts. It’s all very muddled and unclear, but we wish them the best of luck in their continued endeavors!
While this selection is far from comprehensive, it should serve as a basic introduction to the swimsuit spellwear options out there. So stride boldly into the summer sun and explore your options! Just remember to apply sunscreen regularly and stay hydrated.