Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Star Wars Merchandising Hell
January 11, 2018 at 11:35 am
On one hand, porgs are kid-friendly, shamelessly focus group tested gremlins that only exist in the Star Wars universe because of their merchandising appeal (regardless of what anyone has to say about puffins on the set of The Last Jedi). On the other hand, porgs are world-weary little monsters with facial expressions limited to quiet, desperate anxiety or existential horror. Porgs wear the sorrowful gaze of a time traveller who keeps reliving the same 25 years in the hopes of preventing a tragic murder. Porgs know what you did. As Eve bit down on the fruit of knowledge, porgs stared down at her in abject horror, united in their understanding of what mankind had lost.
Porgs perfectly blend marketability with horror. As a result, it is literally impossible to design porg merchandise that doesn’t at least sort of look the way you feel after reading a T. S. Eliot poem. Even if the license holders and fan artists creating said merchandise almost perfectly capture an on-model porg design, the model itself is flawed by the sins of this world. Any variation in eye size or body thickness throws the whole design into chaos. But no force (heh) on earth can stop the great and terrible Star Wars merchandising machine. Regardless of their suffering, you can adorn your body and your home with these fearful beasts. Let go of the emptiness in your life. Fill it up with porg. Welcome to Porg Hell.
Build A Bear Porg
Itching to snuggle a toy in the middle of processing its parents’ divorce? Build A Bear has your back with this only lightly traumatized porg.
A great prop for telling guests that you enjoy both puns and masturbation.
Body Image Porg Shirts
As long-time POMEs might remember, this magazine loves the lonely robot who writes Lookhuman product descriptions. Case in point:
“Working My Porg Into Poe Racerback Tank” Description:
Get your porg into shape with this funny, “Working My Porg Into Poe” Star Wars fitness parody design! Perfect for gym humor, funny fitness, Star Wars parodies, and being the last jedi at the gym!
“Body Positive Porg Parody White Print Crewneck Sweatshirt” Description:
Porgs are cute , curvy lil space puffins who are quite proud of their pudge! Show off your love for these adorable little, cute and pudgy guys with this nerdy, body positive, porgs shirt!
Here’s hoping that these shirts are actually just two disparate points in one porg’s winding road towards self-acceptance.
Evils of Capitalism Coin Purse Porg
Its head will someday be full of change, yet it remains stationary, inert: a porg forged by a monolithic corporation and silenced by the invisible hand of the free market.
“Space Penguin Mouse Ear Headband w/ Bow”
A great accessory for mean children.
Fake Taxidermy Porg
These porg come from a shop called “MythoTaxidermy” — a shop for mythical taxidermy. All of the thrill of a haunted dead beast with none of the stench of formaldehyde.
Hunger Porg T-Shirt
Regardless of whether or not porgs were inspired by actual living creatures that walk our doomed earth, these porgs were clearly inspired by the velociraptors in the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
This porg’s creator forgot the law of equivalent exchange when they painstakingly breathed life into its plaster form. Their soul is now trapped inside.
Resigned Lobotomy Porg Mug
You might be wondering how to drink out of this newly-unemployed porg mug. I’ll tell you:
Pour steaming liquids where its brain should be.
Licensed Disney Suffer Porg
via The Disney Store
Porg Soup Bowl
via Hot Topic
I don’t even remember what porgs look like anymore.
Resigned-to-his-Fate Chewbacca Backpack with Mind Controlling Porg Overlord (Overporg?)
Chewie swore to carry this porg’s burdens and in exchange, the porg would prolong Chewie’s unnaturally long lifespan. After twelve centuries of enduring Porg’s demands, Chewie only wants to rest but Porg won’t allow it. The contract cannot be broken. Chewie can never die.
- Porg nipple dress
- $500 leather porg pocket
- Wannabe porg kigurumi
- Inspirational porg tapestry
- Porg Centaur miniskirt
- Porg string bikini
- DIY grumpy ass porg tutorial
Are porgs good? Evil? Are they wise and all-knowing? Shhhh. Forget those troubling thoughts. Surrender to porg. Give yourself over to their sorrowful gaze. Resign yourself to your new home in the bowels of Porg Hell.