Porg Hell

On one hand, porgs are kid-friendly, shamelessly focus group tested gremlins that only exist in the Star Wars universe because of their merchandising appeal (regardless of what anyone has to say about puffins on the set of The Last Jedi). On the other hand, porgs are world-weary little monsters with facial expressions limited to quiet, desperate anxiety or existential horror. Porgs wear the sorrowful gaze of a time traveller who keeps reliving the same 25 years in the hopes of preventing a tragic murder. Porgs know what you did. As Eve bit down on the fruit of knowledge, porgs stared down at her in abject horror, united in their understanding of what mankind had lost.

Porgs perfectly blend marketability with horror. As a result, it is literally impossible to design porg merchandise that doesn’t at least sort of look the way you feel after reading a T. S. Eliot poem. Even if the license holders and fan artists creating said merchandise almost perfectly capture an on-model porg design, the model itself is flawed by the sins of this world. Any variation in eye size or body thickness throws the whole design into chaos. But no force (heh) on earth can stop the great and terrible Star Wars merchandising machine. Regardless of their suffering, you can adorn your body and your home with these fearful beasts. Let go of the emptiness in your life. Fill it up with porg. Welcome to Porg Hell.

Build A Bear Porg

via Amazon

porg hell build a bear porg

Itching to snuggle a toy in the middle of processing its parents’ divorce? Build A Bear has your back with this only lightly traumatized porg.

Porg Clock

via RedBubble

porg hell porghub clock

A great prop for telling guests that you enjoy both puns and masturbation.

Body Image Porg Shirts

via Lookhuman

porg hell lookhuman body positivity porg

As long-time POMEs might remember, this magazine loves the lonely robot who writes Lookhuman product descriptions. Case in point:

Working My Porg Into Poe Racerback Tank” Description:

Get your porg into shape with this funny, “Working My Porg Into Poe” Star Wars fitness parody design! Perfect for gym humor, funny fitness, Star Wars parodies, and being the last jedi at the gym!

Body Positive Porg Parody White Print Crewneck Sweatshirt” Description:

Porgs are cute , curvy lil space puffins who are quite proud of their pudge! Show off your love for these adorable little, cute and pudgy guys with this nerdy, body positive, porgs shirt!

Here’s hoping that these shirts are actually just two disparate points in one porg’s winding road towards self-acceptance.

Evils of Capitalism Coin Purse Porg

via Ebay

porg hell coin purse

Its head will someday be full of change, yet it remains stationary, inert: a porg forged by a monolithic corporation and silenced by the invisible hand of the free market.

“Space Penguin Mouse Ear Headband w/ Bow”

via Etsy

porg hell mouse headband porg

A great accessory for mean children.

Fake Taxidermy Porg

via Etsy

porg hell taxidermy porg

These porg come from a shop called “MythoTaxidermy” — a shop for mythical taxidermy. All of the thrill of a haunted dead beast with none of the stench of formaldehyde.

Hunger Porg T-Shirt

via Amazon

porg hell scary porg shirt

Regardless of whether or not porgs were inspired by actual living creatures that walk our doomed earth, these porgs were clearly inspired by the velociraptors in the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Cursed Porg

via Etsy

porg hell i have no mouth and i must scream porg

This porg’s creator forgot the law of equivalent exchange when they painstakingly breathed life into its plaster form. Their soul is now trapped inside.  

Resigned Lobotomy Porg Mug

via Amazon

porg hell mug front

You might be wondering how to drink out of this newly-unemployed porg mug. I’ll tell you:

porg hell mug back

Pour steaming liquids where its brain should be.

Licensed Disney Suffer Porg

via The Disney Store

porg hell licensed disney porg

Maybe Licensed Porg might not look so bad in its dating app profile pic over on the Disney Store website, but these candid eBay shots better capture its essence.

porg hell licensed porg glamour shotz

Porg Soup Bowl

via Hot Topic

porg hell soup bowl

I don’t even remember what porgs look like anymore.

Resigned-to-his-Fate Chewbacca Backpack with Mind Controlling Porg Overlord (Overporg?)

via Thinkgeek

porg hell cursed chewy and porg

Chewie swore to carry this porg’s burdens and in exchange, the porg would prolong Chewie’s unnaturally long lifespan. After twelve centuries of enduring Porg’s demands, Chewie only wants to rest but Porg won’t allow it. The contract cannot be broken. Chewie can never die.

porg hell backpack closeup

Honorable Mentions:

Are porgs good? Evil? Are they wise and all-knowing? Shhhh. Forget those troubling thoughts. Surrender to porg. Give yourself over to their sorrowful gaze. Resign yourself to your new home in the bowels of Porg Hell.

Original image source: WikiMedia Commons
CC Calanthe

CC Calanthe

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
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