In your car
Pros:
- Relative privacy
- Sense of comfort, as your stuff is there
- For the truly pathetic, can double as attractive lunch spot
Cons:
- Cramped
- Oppressively warm in summer
- Lack of privacy, depending on which way driver’s side is facing
- All the coats and uncomfortable shoes you’ve left in the backseat are silently judging you
Under your desk after work
Pros:
- Warm and cozy spot to cry
- Janitor only potential interloper
- Unlimited tissues
- Easy to get to if you’re working late
Cons:
- Reminder of workplace responsibilities may elevate stress level
- Extra risky location if coworker has to come back for something
- Still have to walk to car when you’re done crying (though this might be a positive, as you can continue crying in your car and no one will be in the office parking lot)
**Safety note: make sure the doors don’t automatically lock at the end of the day in your place of employment**
In the street, while staring up into the rain
Pros:
- Rain washes away tears
- Good dramatic effect
Cons:
- Pneumonia
Public Restroom (single occupancy)
Pros:
- Quick access
- 99% of the time, you can lock the door
- Unlimited toilet paper/paper towels
- Mirror that you can use to clean your pathetic hot mess self up when you’re done crying
Cons:
- Poop smell
- Toilet paper/paper towels much less gentle on booger-leaking nose than tissues are
- Must frantically try to remember vague beauty tips you read on the internet years ago about preventing puffy eye redness while someone knocks on the door yelling “YOU DONE IN THERE” repeatedly
Public Restroom (stalls)
Pros:
- Quick access
- Mirror, TP, etc
Cons:
- You will interrupt other peoples’ poops with your crying and no one likes that
- Poop smell
Public park
Pros:
- Greenery and happy strangers enjoying park may remind you that things aren’t so bad
- People might give you change if you put a cup out
- Vitamin D
Cons:
- Greenery and happy strangers enjoying park may make you want to destroy all humans / become supervillain who feeds off of others’ happiness and turns it to sorrow in order to fuel DestructoBeam
- Lack of privacy
- Scaring children will most likely lead to people calling the cops on you
At the bar of a bar
Pros:
- You might get free booze
- Failing above, you can purchase booze
- Drunk people less likely to judge
Cons:
- Germs from sticky counter make rubbing your bleary eyes a potential biohazard
- Free or at-cost booze can increase and/or prolong crying
- Location is a bit too on-the-nose, don’t you think?
The International Space Station
Pros:
- In space, no one can hear you sob
- Relative privacy
- Sterile environment
- You can look down on all of humanity while you cry
Cons:
- Potential horrifying death (see the film “Gravity” for more information)
- Elevated waste of precious oxygen
- Crying potentially recorded and saved for posterity above most other documentation of contemporary human life
- Aliens will think you’re weak
