Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 13: “The Tale-Tell Heart.” Just in time for Valentine’s Day, join us to celebrate the pinnacle of True Love — two morally ambiguous parents rekindling an old flame while disposing of a body.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
CC: can i just say
CC: meaningful! glances!
CC: fuck!! me!! up!!!!!
and right when he shows up
i’m dead bury me fp
Jenny: he was great all around this ep
not just him and alice
but fp and jug had a lot of nice moments!
CC: A SUPPORTIVE DAD
Jenny: rejecting capitalism together
Jenny: taking care of each other
finally we see jug act like a teen
“i’m in over my head, dad please help me”
CC: his first???? plan??? was to appeal to the mayor’s sense of integrity???????????????
making up for all 16 years of being an absentee parent at one time
“i’m not addicted to booze anymore; i’m addicted to being a great fucking dad 2 my son”
being a great crime dad 2 my crime son
Jenny: speaking of dads
let’s have a look at the worst dad
really play both sides of alice’s dilemma
Jenny: this is some bull shit
CC: how can it be real; hal cooper is a cursed scarecrow just like the fake fbi man
he wouldn’t know a feeling if it bit him in the ass
Jenny: i mean neither would penelope
Rachel: mostly Hal is irredeemable
Jenny: the best thing about him was that his shitty behavior was an excuse to feature cheryl
Jenny: cheryl was SO GOOD this ep
CC: CHERYL IN THIS EPISODE
Rachel: ok here is my problem with Cheryl
please bear with me
she is a very inconsistent character
or rather, she is inconsistently written
like, going from attempted matricide to trying to help Betty out
I just can’t get a solid read on her
and it doesn’t feel like character growth to me? it just feels like the writers are shoehorning her into whatever they need her to be
CC: i feel like anything bad cheryl ever did never happened in episodes where she is being Good
instead of Lowkey Evil
Jenny: secret twin? like, secret third twin?
jason, good cheryl, and bad cheryl
CC: so this is my read on cheryl – i agree with you rachel, I just think cheryl’s personality swings like a pendulum
like, I do appreciate that she’s a mean person who does good things even when she’s doing Good Things
at least the writers have that level of commitment to her characterization
I think I always overlook it bc I just want her to be redeemed lolsob
and to have happiness and a mansion of her own
Rachel: I want this for her and also for each of us
CC: oh ya hard same
a mansion for all; universal thistlehouses
also single payer
Jenny: the dream
i think my read on cheryl
is that the writers know she’s a fan favorite bc of shit like this:
Jenny: (the most in-character line for her this whole ep)
Jenny: (leather pants; what an inspiration)
CC: god on a wheel that outfit was great
Jenny: so they use her where they can?
Rachel: I lowkey for a sec thought this episode would end with Cheryl shooting Hal with an arrow
Jenny: like what rachel was saying
god i wish
CC: the goddess diana takes aim at justice
Jenny: but like, she is just a mechanism more than a character
CC: the literal wheel of chaotic justice in riverdale
the narrative’s physical manifestation of the concept of justice
got some great shots of the Grounds
CC: lol @ the backup mansion
Rachel: god!!! is this house located in fucking Rivendale????
is that the connection here???
Jenny: new spinoff
Rachel: it’s all teen elves getting into dramaaaa
Jenny: 10/10 would watch
CC: yeah those Hobbit movies could have gone a lot harder
they had a love triangle in them but still
Jenny: take a page out of the cw teendrama book
fake someone’s death
then actually kill them
WHAT A TWIST
(@cw — hire me)
CC: (jenny remember me when u become a showrunner)
Rachel: lol god
the other thing I want to talk about
I FUCKING CALLED IT
I highfived my boyfriend when that came up
Rachel: hell yeah
Jenny: i mean look
he was not a good fbi agent
Jenny: you can’t just tell a teenager that people are dying because he’s a coward
CC: no uh excuse u jenny we’re actually clairvoyant geniuses
Jenny: yes obvs my b
CC: we pulled that prediction from the ETHER we are the best at plots
Jenny: i cannot deny it
CC: (lol jk you’re right this guy wouldn’t have been able to keep his badge even in this administration)
Rachel: so so so pleased with Hermione though
really just fully inhabiting her Crime Boss persona
Rachel: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY
Jenny: i bet she had andre pump in that fog
CC: maybe she’s born with it
maybe it’s just the weight of Crimes
CC: those cheekbones tho
ok i am glad you brought that up rachel bc I think hermione is another character who has been extremely inconsistent in this show
CC: season 1 hermione is what, unequivocally good?
Jenny: that was the quote
CC: season 2 hermione is picking fights w her daughter and teasing her about “daddy’s love”????
wearing outfits straight from the Dynasty set and recruiting teens to the mob family????
i mean i love the outfits don’t get me wrong
i just never know how to feel about her lol
I liked the bond she and veronica shared.
the only mom who is (was) consistently looking out for her kids
Jenny: i will say that the bond is still there, i think
Jenny: like, when v totally zinged her dad here
hermione was supportive
it’s just a behind the scenes kind of support
Rachel: I def feel like the bond with Hiram is stronger though, at least right now
like, when he teared up at the thought that Ronnie thought he was a murderer
right in my guts
Jenny: that was good television
CC: I didn’t believe him lol
CRY MOAR ASSHOLE
L O L
Rachel: I def still believe that he killed Papa Poutine but I also believed that he doesn’t like the idea of his daughter thinking he’s a monster
like he’s trying to have that cake and eating it too
Jenny: i mean, this ep was kind of about the two of them lying to each other’s faces, right?
like w papa poutine and w v warning mayor mccoy?
Rachel: oh yes for sure
that was Good
Jenny: you know what else was Good?
Rachel: so good!!!!
CC: missed u bud!!!!
Jenny: i was v pleased with the return of vegas
reminding us that archie is a normal boy
but also reminding us of the only other time we really saw vegas (in the s2 premiere)
when archie was talking about how good his dad is!
vegas and fred are, i think, p interchangeable, emotionally
that’s my point
like they’re both stand ins for archie’s heart
CC: they’re good dads, brent
they ground him back in the normal human world
normal dog world
so when fred is threatened by the fake fbi man
we feel more about it bc we were reminded of vegas
dogs are important you guys!!
like in the normal way and also in the narrative way!
i have v strong feelings about this
Rachel: yeah for sure!!
the next question is, when is Hotdog coming back
the only thing we’re missing at this point
oh, real quick, on a completely opposite point
wtf is chick’s deal
CC: ???????????? why ?????????????
Jenny: i really do not know
i also don’t super care?
Rachel: I do not understand this storyline and also I do not like it
Jenny: like suddenly
he’s totally fine playing perfect family w alice?
all chocolate chip pancakes and board games??
that was a cute bit
bc they were the murderers
in the dining room
with the lamp
what happened to all that angst?
CC: imo he’s just kinda following alice’s lead
aggressively pretending 2 be normal and not made out of crimes
just completely full of crimes
a skin suit stuffed with crimes
Rachel: I think he’s trying to sabotage the family
like, finding every reason to dig in to each individually
encouraging Betty to webcam, encouraging Alice to help him murder somebody
or cover up the murder, rather
CC: good thing polly joined that cult lol
Jenny: got out of this shithouse while she could, did polly
i mean we don’t know for sure who actually did the murder
but i guess fair it was probably chic
Rachel: yeah but either way, I think he is staying in this house to destroy this family that he was not allowed to be a part of
he doesn’t know that the family was already so shitty
CC: I have no doubt alice could murder someone if she wanted to
she could probably murder anyone she wanted to
i believe in her that much
Rachel: the only thing I am glad about the chic storyline is that it’s bringing FP and Alice closer together
CC: yeah same
Rachel: although I’m unclear about what the deal is with Jug’s mom
are they like, divorced??? separated???
what about Jellybean??
CC: I do think you’re right though rachel! that’s a really good theory.
also I think jug’s mom is Done, is the sense I got from season 1
they haven’t mentioned jellybean for a thousand years
or jug’s mom
Jenny: i would guess that it’s not an official divorce
but that they’re as separated as hermione and hiram were when she was w fred
arguably more separated than that
Rachel: yeah like is there the possibility of reconciliation???
is the Alice/FP ship doomed??
Jenny: i don’t think i would get back together w someone who told our son he couldn’t stay w her
CC: maybe jug’s mom is also seeing molly ringwald on the side
CC: for real tho, maybe they’re just trying to find the right former teen actress to play mrs jones
ms jones? mama jughead
Jenny: ally sheedy
CC: AAAAAA FUCK
OMG JENNY THAT IS FANTASTIC
Jenny: @cw hire me
CC: @cw pls hire jenny
Rachel: it might be the only thing that can save this show
although I guess this week’s wasn’t so bad
Jenny: this week was not bad, i agree
mostly bc there was so much thistlehouse
Jenny: good good shit
CC: nana rose’s lighting guys are working overtime
Jenny: i feel like maybe i’ve said it before
but Red Velvet Couch
CC: also “that gorgon” LOL
Jenny: yeah my god alice the medusa of my heart
CC: oh shit! bc snakes! ahhhh!
Jenny: so Good
CC: y’all ready for final thoughts?
Jenny: yeah i think so
my final thought here
Jenny: is that betty’s going to have one heck of a college essay
“talk about an experience that really impacted you”
CC: i mean, definitely
Jenny: put this shit next to, apparently, an internship with toni morrison and you’re gold
CC: what college could reject you?
“the weekend my secret brother killed a man and my boyfriend’s dad helped my mom dissolve the body”
Jenny: you’re in
Rachel: every scholarship
CC: can you get a scholarship for therapy bc if so I nominate betty right now
CC: my final thought is
I was listening to the Dad Feelings podcast’s recent episode about Riverdale dads
and somebody said that to keep with the former teen heartthrob casting, the show should have cast Freddie Prinze Jr as Hiram and
i’m so glad they didn’t
Jenny: god same
CC: I’d refuse to believe he did anything wrong, even if he killed a dude in front of me
CC: i love him too much to see him do crimes
Rachel: god it would be great if he was in the show though
maybe a handsome future teacher??
the new mayor???!?
i can’t wait
i mean but on the other hand, he might be v busy voice acting all my fictional crushes LOL
so i am fine with leaving him to that v important work
Rachel: lol fair
Jenny: i mean he was in a couple episodes of The Witches of East End so it could happen
get back to working w madchen
CC: he and sarah michelle gellar were both on star wars rebels
this would be a natural fit for that Power Couple lol
Jenny: my god yes
Rachel: hmm my final thought is that
I’m back on the Jughead train yall!!!!
hell yeah I liked him in this episode, he was a sweet boy
Jenny: i did feel bad for him when betty was too busy covering up a murder to tell him that she loves him too
and he got all nervous
Jenny: and i did like that he talked to his dad about his feelings
but still idk
i don’t trust his face
Rachel: I just want him to always be this good
CC: i mean telling a boy that you had to help your mom bury a dead body is p much the same as “i love you” in my book. same level of vulnerability.
look man Betty is a Doer; her love language is acts of service so jughead is nailing it this week
helping dispose of the murder victim’s car
bringing in an experienced professional to help with cleanup
doing all the emotional labor
doesn’t ask to help at all; he just does it
Jenny: honestly that what all tv needs more of
men doing all of the emotional labor