Riverdale Roundtable 19: “Prisoners”

WHERE are the PARENTS???

May 2, 2018 at 9:00 am

Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 19, so this is Riverdale Roundtable 19: Prisoners. Join 3 crones for Wild Speculation, as well as some extended yelling about parental responsibility and just what exactly a hotel should reasonably provide to children.


Rachel: what a ride

CC: so can I start off by saying we’re genius psychics
or what

Rachel: yeah we’ve been calling this one for years

CC: three wise crones

Jenny: i think i might actually dissent a little bit
i assume we’re talking about:

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" - where's dad?

 

CC: BUM DUM DUUUUM

Jenny: ok so here is what’s bugging me.

1) leading us towards Hal with only 3 episodes left in the season seems like just the sort of shit these writers would do before introducing a NEW character who was really the Black Hood all along
2) I do not for one second believe that Hal Cooper is a strong enough investigator for him to know a) who Chic really was and b) what really happened to Charles
2i) but i will concede that maybe these writers don’t care about that

CC: i bet the blossoms know somehow; they know Everything

Jenny: that seems fair
but 3)
WHY would The Black Hood shoot Fred Andrews? Like, he claims “adultery” but then Hal goes running to Penelope Blossom?
on the other hand, the points we have made in the past still stand; namely — he knows a lot about betty’s childhood; who else would have access to betty’s phone such that they could program in that shitty ringtone?

Rachel: yeah, and the nancy drew knowledge

Jenny: maybe he runs to Pen bc he knows the black hood will not punish him? bc he is the black hood?

CC: also, hal is a terrible person and also a hypocrite

Jenny: F A I R
another point to his maybe being the black hood

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" - goofy ron swanson running

 

Jenny: this goofy-ass ron swanson run

CC: what a wild ride this episode was
look
I want him to be the black hood bc I’m really hoping hal cooper bites it by the end of the season

Jenny: that would be great
what w archie’s death pledge or whatever
honestly the absolute wrong way to behave in the situation in which he found himself
he had JUST stood up to hiram last week and now he’s undoing it all and i hate it
“clearly the fact that i don’t merit saving in your eyes means that i just have to PROVE MYSELF HARDER”
yikes

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" - what a fucking dumb ass dummy

 

CC: also lol like hiram actually gives a crap about the black hood

Jenny: i mean yeah

CC: it feels like the writer’s room just discovered this phrase
and they are getting their mileage’s worth out of it

Jenny: found it on the “mafia” wikipedia page

CC: i will say
one point in archie’s favor
he looks good in a suit
but that’s all i got

Jenny: that’s true
an important point

CC: that’s literally all the archie praise i can drum up here
what are u doing u dum dum baby

Rachel: even V was more mad than Archie was

CC: TRUE, WTF

Jenny: yeah it finally felt like her actions were righteous and justified, sort of

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" - idk how i feel about this but i'm leaning towards not great

 

Rachel: I do appreciate the karmic roofing of nick st asshole

Jenny: yes absolutely

CC: on the other hand: if i could make a million dollars by ransoming nick st clair off i would do it
hello, group chat 2!

Rachel: lol!
this whole series of events really brings up a question I find myself struggling with for this whole dang show
where are the PARENTS
Archie gets kidnapped and beat up and nobody even notices???

Jenny: yeah! where is fred??

Rachel: Veronica goes to a hotel (SHE’S 17) by herself to have SEX with another TEEN

CC: while DRINKING ALCOHOL

Jenny: i mean, it’s the hotel where she lives

Rachel: why do these kids have absolutely zero parental guidance
oh no she lives at the Pembrook, I think this was a different hotel?
the four seasons or… something??

Jenny: ok then yeah idk

CC: no the FIVE seasons
the FIVE seasons

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: ugh ofc

CC: the fifth season is teen boozin’
it’s only observed in riverdale tho

Jenny: yeah i feel like room service should not bring alcohol to a teen
that seems like a lot
but i will say

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" -- LOLOLOLOLOL

 

Jenny: the idea that they would just send up a power drill seemed just believable enough to me, after all the rest of this shit, that i totally lost it
this was the funniest thing i had ever heard
and V delivered the line really well!
i feel like this ep was marred by bad/lazy line delivery from all the 4 main kids, but here it really really worked for me

Rachel: lol yes!

Jenny: just like, every conversation archie had w nick
he wasn’t even trying

CC: the chris “why am i still here how many more years are in my contract” evans of the archieverse

Jenny: lol
and of course there was my fave bad line

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" - loud groaning

 

CC: LOL

Jenny: he’s been in this business TOO LONG for such a bad delivery

CC: i feel like chick should know by now that he was in danger
I would believe that jug and betty would have killed chick tbh

Jenny: i know thank god for fp

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" - fp "don't make decisions for a woman" jones

fp “don’t make decisions for a woman” jones

CC: GOD, FP
look, I just really wanna talk about
that alice and FP scene
it was A Lot but I feel like madchen did a great job this episode

Rachel: she really did!!

Jenny: she did
she really carried it, acting-wise

CC: i didn’t cry but did yell “OOF” out loud

Rachel: I am not surprised that Charles Smith is FP’s kid
and I am also not surprised that Chick is nobody’s kid
fuck that guy
we were right, we were always right

Jenny: I feel like in admitting that charles was fp’s it makes her earlier assertion that chic is not fp’s seem kind of shady?
like did she know? actually?
her acting this ep makes me think she didn’t
so maybe it’s just the writers room trying to screw w the fanbase, but also ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Rachel: who knows at this point

CC: yeah, SHE didn’t know Chick wasn’t FP’s kid, even if Charles was lol
maybe the writer’s room goofed
i mean but also so did betty
let’s all resolve to make our acts of kindness smaller and more personal
and learn from this!! ridiculous!! bullshit!!

Rachel: oh ok here is more of my theory for why the black hood probably is hal though:
what if he had been keeping track of Alice’s adopted kid all these years??? like, he knew it was FP’s, which is why he didn’t get mad or act surprised when Alice told him
and he reacted so negatively to Chick because he knew he had been dating Charles
and probably killed him
but he couldn’t admit he’d been keeping tabs on Charles this whole time
I wonder if he also had something to do with Alice shooing Charles away
like, maybe it will come out that Hal was yelling or being an asshole about something when Charles came by, and Alice couldn’t really deal with somebody at the door
I don’t know, I am wildly speculating here

CC: i mean
I think that’s all possible
BUT, I also think hal would also just be a douchebag just because
like, I think he totally could have been keeping tabs on charles to some extent
but probably didn’t know (or wouldn’t care) that/if chick killed him
i mean idk
What A Mystery
oh man that kinda reminds me in a roundabout way
when betty confronts the nuns and threatens to call the FBI
SHE!! SHOULD HAVE ANYWAY!

Jenny: I KNOW
I WAS SO MAD

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" -- literally what the fuck betty? why haven't you done this already???

 

CC: JUST BC YOUR FRIEND ESCAPED LGBT TORTURE CAMP DOESN’T MEAN THINGS ARE COOL!!!

Jenny: THERE ARE OTHER KIDS IN THAT CAMP

CC: WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER KIDS, ASSHOLE???
those other teens need 2 pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get their babe gf to break them out

Jenny: yeah i was honestly, like, kind of legit offended
the lives of these kids are not bargaining chips for your nancy drew mystery, betty
you have been confronted with injustice and you have done nothing

CC: i am also so confused as to which services this creepy ass evil nun castle offers
is it a tiered system, like dante’s inferno, getting more and more evil the farther down u go???

Jenny: lol

CC: so, i can’t believe midge is gone
but i also can’t believe how many extracurricular teen vigilante squads just keep cropping up in riverdale

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" -- god need me some thigh-high basketball socks

 

Jenny: lbr this one is the best so far though

CC: so true

Rachel: I also can’t believe they had custom black cheerleading outfits made for the occasion

CC: yeah I love that the vixens have funeral wear!!!
i mean i guess there are so many deaths I guess they’d have to

Jenny: and custom black mourning cloaks
but speaking of cloaks, i kind of want to go back to Veronica
like, i’m not saying she SHOULDN’T’VE roofied that rapist, but i am feeling p not great about the fact that she extorted his parents for 1mil$
like, they’re not good parents
BUT
ransoming someone for money is still 1000000% A Crime

Rachel: is that her first Crime???

CC: i mean there’s also underaged drinking

Jenny: and she made such a fuss at the start of this ep about not wanting to participate in her parents dastardly schemes/machinations
and then she holds someone hostage for a big-ass ransom!
i mean
it FEELS like her First Real Crime
like up to this point it’s been a lot of
“it’s not technically illegal, but it is….a dick move”
and now this is just Very Definitely Illegal

CC: i mean but also, I’m sure that kicking the shit out of him was technically not legal?? but that does feel different
I see what you mean though

Jenny: it does

CC: this feels more like
mafia bad, not just “vigilante action yes but def more than the law can do to a dude like this” type of action

Jenny: right
i think it’s the money aspect that’s rubbing me the wrong way
like
i get that she’s not GOING to pay taxes on that
but just, where does that money go? how does she avoid storing/declaring that money someplace? like a bank??
is she just going to spend cash until she runs out? in like 100 years?

CC: it’ll probably go back into evil lodge machinations

Jenny: and yet she has distanced herself and this action from the evil lodge machinations
this feels like Her money

CC: ugh it’s such a headache!

Jenny: fair
talking it through is just making me somehow more frustrated

CC: i mean, her characterization has been especially all over the map

Jenny: true

CC: i totally agree with you!
does she want this life or not? bc she’s working too hard at it for somebody who is also so desperate to distance herself from it

Rachel: I really cannot tell with her
Archie at least, definitely wants this life =_=

CC: truly beyond any self preservation instincts

Rachel: also I do not like that Jug felt totally ok beating information out of Chick

Jenny: yeah i mean that seemed not great and maybe a little out of character from the “i’m anxious that you didn’t say that you love me too, so it’s kind of a relief to hear that it’s bc you killed a man and that was distracting for you” jug
but it DOESN’T feel out of character from the “i’m going to carve the skin off of a woman” jug

Rachel: I am only a fan of one of those jugs, I’ll let you be the judge about which one that is
this is weird but I didn’t hate that Betty gave Chick up to the Black Hood
like, when such a clean solution presents itself

Jenny: oh same
i was def fine w that

CC: god opened a window

Rachel: she has a person on her hands who has murdered her brother, lied to them for months, murdered somebody else in their house, drove her sister away
just, all sorts of things
they can’t just let him go, cause he’ll be back

CC: also camming with kevin!!! like!! I’m glad he’s gone!
protect our boy!

Rachel: oh man, poor Sheriff Keller
I know he’s not great at his job but I love him

Jenny: same

Rachel: I am just very attracted to Dad Keller!! I can’t help it!!!!

CC: i mean same
LOL

Jenny: he’s v handsome

CC: like
I feel like riverdale PD is So Quick to throw away or ignore obvious ass evidence
I kinda feel a little bit like, look, I know they’re teens and all but they’ve been pretty consistently right so far
and they did rush to judgment on the original black hood case
OH
OH MY GOD GUYS
I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING
the link between the blossoms and the black hood
hal -> the blossoms (nana rose etc) -> the black hood
ok i am even more certain hal is the black hood now

Jenny: wait
wait. explain this more, for the listeners at home

CC: like
ok
the blossoms were a big part of that vigilante group that killed the traveling preacher, right?

Jenny: oh
yes i had forgotten

CC: everybody thought the janitor was the black hood bc he was the kid who survived all those murders
but maybe going on a murder bender is just such a blossom thing that that’s why hal has taken up the mantle
as a self-hating cousin adultery-boning hypocritical douchebag

Jenny: i could kind of see it

CC: hal isn’t sure what being a blossom means to him; maybe murder benders are what it means to him

Rachel: I wonder if they called Hal in and HE murdered Clifford Blossom
and that’s what started him down the murder path
Clifford Blossom was def a sinner

CC: i mean that wig alone was a sin

Jenny: lol

Rachel: maybe it’s when Penelope started to fall for him? ugh vomit

Jenny: i mean yeah — i feel like the blossoms should be more worried than they are about someone cleansing sinners
it makes sense that they would have an in
but at the same time
how did hal know about grundy?
why would he give a shit about midge and moose?
or were they just distractions?
mostly i’m just so mad at the idea that hal could shoot fred. and then just, like, be his neighbor.
we had floated the idea that he was working w someone
someone who knew about grundy/gave a shit about midge and/or moose
dilton?

Rachel: I mean, maybe it was the janitor
he was the accomplice

CC: maybe the black hood is just another vigilante group in town
like a secret evil meetup group

Jenny: lol like strangers on a train or whatever
they kill each others victims and it can’t be traced back
or just like hot fuzz maybe

CC: i have not seen any movies in my life so idk but i agree
(I really gotta get around to seeing hot fuzz tho)

Jenny: it’s a good movie

Rachel: orrrr let’s just rewatch Aggretsuko

Jenny: lol yes

Rachel: let’s start Aggretsuko roundtable

Jenny: i’m so down

CC: riverdale roundtable is a aggretsuko stan account too

Rachel: lol
y’all ready for final thoughts?

CC: mine is
every single episode in this show can be described as one of 2 things:
-lodge nonsense, and/or blossom nonsense
every single goddamned thing that happens is at least 1 of those things
even serpent nonsense still ends up being one of the two
more riverdale nonsense from neither category pls

Jenny: more kevin and josie star in a musical
more kevin writes and produces a musical for josie
for josie to be the star

CC: yeah for real

Jenny: i want that — it was pitched w/in the text of the show and it was not delivered

CC: more pussycats!!!!

Jenny: YES
i’d say that can be MY final thought
but i have a final thought
and my final thought is: have y’all seen the parks and rec bloopers?

CC: no!!!

Jenny: there’s one where chris pratt is dressed as andy dressed as special agent burt macklin
in S3E3 “The Fight” (aka the Snakejuice ep)
there’s a part at the snakehole where april (dressed as janet snakehole) slaps chris pratt
and he got a boner?
he’d never been slapped before

CC: lol omg

Jenny: he didn’t know his body would react that way
i have mixed feelings about it bc, y’know, unprofessional. idk how aubrey plaza felt about it, but she seems to have borne it well, so idk idk
my POINT here
is this:

 

Riverdale Roundtable 19: "Prisoners" -- watching him get slapped gives ME a boner

 

Rachel: LOL

CC: lol

Jenny: this was a great slap
and sheriff keller is v handsome

Rachel: so handsome

CC: he looked great this ep

Rachel: my final thought is: the people of Riverdale are not clever and not good at puns
SHERIFF KILLER
good job y’all

Jenny: LOL

CC: very mature
almost 100% graffitied by teens

Rachel: is he a killer of sheriffs???
think about the grammar of your puns!!! Riverdale!!!!!

CC: sob
agreed
i’m so with you on this one
oh ok can i add just one more final final thought
it would be: if we ever make riverdale bingo, “rachel: “WHERE ARE THE PARENTS” is gonna be the free space ha ha ha ha

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: perf

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.