Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 21: Judgment Night. Join us to celebrate the return of Good Riverdale Trash, mourn one of our favorite fallen background hotties, and pledge allegiance to all the Hot Riverdale Dads.
Jenny: so i would like to begin at the beginning
Jenny: shot me right through the heart
CC: I gotta say
this was my favorite thing that has happened so far in riverdale
just cheryl showing up with a bow and shooting dirtbags
Jenny: it’s the content i crave
also the fact that cheryl
HAD TIME TO GET HER ARCHERY CLOAK
what a goddamned goddess
Rachel: u know she keeps that shit handy
probably has stashes of bows and arrows all over thornhill
CC: a bunch of caches hidden all over
like in a video game
this was the most I have liked riverdale in A While
Rachel: me too
I was surprised!
it was the most extra show
every single thread came together at once
but also I feel like shitty people finally got some comeuppance
CC: read: a literal arrow through the shoulder
b l e s s
Rachel: I can’t believe Hal killed the hot doctor
CC: struck down in his prime, truly
Jenny: i know!
not the murse!!
CC: the one day he wears something loose and comfortable
so, is it too early in the roundtable to just say
alice taunting hal with everything I personally think about hal was a goddamned delight
Jenny: i know!!
i have a whole image series
Jenny: *FP is a real man
calling him out for that shit w penelope blossom
rubbing his nose in just how much better fp is than him
CC: the best part
was alice telling hal that he couldn’t even get being a serial killer right
her entire reaction to this inevitable took-too-goddamned-long reveal was a+++++++
Rachel: yes!!! I love that she was immediately like, I’m going to taunt him and you hit him with the fire shovel Betty
she didn’t waste a second being sad or surprised
she jumped right into action
CC: great teamwork on that, too
like, the family that hides a body together stays together
Jenny: i mean — i think even if the homemovies hadn’t ended up being a confession
i would’ve gone along w that plan just for hal taking up everyone’s time
Jenny: like, black hood or not, please shut the hell up, HAL
CC: NO ONE CARES HAL
Jenny: maybe smacking you w this shovel will make you be quiet for once, HAL
CC: I HAVE A DARK SIDE
especially in RIVERDALE
ESPECIALLY IN THIS GODDAMNED FAMILY
this family is a goddamn mess
great grandpappy cooper was actually a blossom twin, who killed his brother and then changed his name to cooper to avoid suspicion but also stayed in the same town???
CC: so awkward for all their mutual friends
honestly tho, I am glad hal is gone and that the black hood storyline is over
rest in goddamned pieces please never come back
Jenny: i mean — it’s not really over
there’s a copycat on the loose
shooting up mayoral debates
Rachel: oh that guy def works for Hiram Lodge
I figured it was Andre even
Jenny: oh man!
you’re so smart i def believe that
honestly if the writers don’t do that i’ll be disappointed
CC: man idk, completing a mission doesn’t really seem like andre’s style
Rachel: lol he murdered that kid though!
CC: yeah but only after archie beat the crap out of them tho!
Jenny: oh and i guess andre was dead in the hotel lobby when the copycat shot fred?
CC: maybe andre is a twin
and also a blossom
CC: [finger guns intensify]
Rachel: the actual answer to everything
CC: EVERYONE IS BLOSSOMS
Rachel: god I was so excited when V finally told Hiram off though
I was never so proud of her
Jenny: for real
I am so disappointed in hermione
I completely do not understand why she is so blind to his shit when last season she was completely aware of what a shady bastard hiram is
Jenny: dick too bomb
Rachel: man it seemed like she was coming around though?
like, she seemed to be shook up
not defending Hiram at the end
Jenny: that’s true
i think shooting that dude really put her in a position of control
really helped her recognize that she NEEDS to reevaluate her priorities
should make protecting V the most important thing
CC: baby poutine shook her out of it
CC: i can’t believe — like, i SHOULD be able to believe, it’s just my broken heart telling me otherwise
that hermione could betray fred that way
Jenny: ah — yeah
so here’s my thing about that
according to the text of this episode, it sounds like exposing herm/fred affair would not only ruin fred’s political career, but also his actual life
and idk if that’s really true
even if he were going to get back w molly ringwald, Molly KNOWS about herm/fred
they were a thrupple at prom last season
and archie knows about it too
CC: lol so true
Jenny: like — is the implication that people would stop hiring his business bc he slept w a woman who wasn’t his wife when he and his wife had been physically, emotionally, and legally separated (but not divorced) for plural years??
like — he’s running on family values, yes
but also it’s a small town
people seem to know each other’s business
they would maybe have some context around the situation?
maybe i just don’t know how small towns work
i guess — it’s not stars hollow
mostly what i’m getting at is that these writers are bad
Rachel: lol fair
Jenny: they can’t just make stakes by saying that there are stakes
they have to actually make the stakes
like, through the plot
CC: so, imo
people in riverdale have been doing business with fred a long time
he got blacklisted for like 5 dang seconds when the serpents were I guess guarding his business? or? something? I don’t remember
but I feel like all he’d need to do is show up and be like “gawsh, I’m not one fer speechifyin'” and people would throw their money at him once again
Jenny: i mean i know i would
***insert mmxxl joke here***
Rachel: if Kev just posts this pic
then all three of them would be co-Mayors immediately
Jenny: that’s an america i can believe in
CC: i still don’t understand hiram’s endgame with the “october surprise” tho
I don’t see how hermione’s campaign could better weather this particular scandal than fred’s could
Rachel: I think it’s also revenge on Hermione
put her in the limelight, tear her down
CC: yeah that makes sense
look I think smithers definitely overestimated hermione tho bc she really leaned into being a mob wife hard the minute hiram came back
even at points that put veronica in danger, in my opinion
Jenny: for real
CC: like, up until this point, which was definitely Too Much Danger
I’m really glad she saw the light and I’m hopeful for her character going forward
we have a lot of dads to root for now and all I want is to also root for more of these moms
Jenny: i’m rooting for madchen for sure though
but i’d love to get more moms?
more molly ringwald
bring on ally sheedy
“ally sheedy shows up as jughead’s mom and hooks up with fred” is my new endgame
Jenny: i’m sure it’ll be, like, the start of next season, when alice and fp are like, sort of together but still figuring things out and then he has to decide between alice or keeping his family together, which will be an esp hard decision after jug’s death
ally sheedy hooking up w fred is a p good outcome
CC: I really don’t want to have my loyalty divided between madchen and ally sheedy!
Jenny: or molly and ally sheedy for that matter
CC: I guess riverdale is big enough for 2 power thrupples but I don’t think alice would be into sharing
Jenny: i mean i def see where you’re coming from w that
that seems like an accurate characterization
but then, when have these writers ever been consistent w their characterizations??
CC: so, so true
god, when the hell could alice have even met hal?? in high school???
weren’t they ~ divided ~ by the north and south sides???
Jenny: i mean, def they said they were together in high school, but yeah idk about the separate high school thing
CC: I guess if you kill your brother and change your name / identity without skipping town, you can ~~~~ change schools and move a few miles away ~~~ and nobody would even be the wiser
Jenny: bc i think fp talks about having gone to southside high himself?
maybe alice transferred up
or maybe it was a real pretty in pink sort of situation
fancy dude, girl from the wrong side of the tracks
but also a romeo and juliet kind of thing but more about like sports rivalries
maybe alice was a southside cheerleader
hal was some asshole in the northside marching band
alice was bored
i really don’t see how this happened
i mean we all make mistakes, but hal just doesn’t seem like alice’s kind of mistake
also idk how he could have hidden his creepy religious cult upbringing literally decades from his wife
CC: I can see her hiding things from him but hal seems too dumb
Rachel: I guess she never met his family?
Jenny: i feel like she talked about hating his mom
but maybe i made that up
CC: if she didn’t know them at all, “it figures you’d be a mama’s boy” is a Good Take, alice
L O L
i feel like there’s a lot in this ep that we haven’t really talked about yet
it was a Very Busy ep
A Lot happened
Jenny: pop is really hardcore
put a rag in some liquor
set it on fire
CC: bless him
also principal weatherbee breaking out that riverdale high boyfight
Jenny: i like that that’s what he does when there’s a riot in town — he goes to the highschool and threatens teens
Rachel: lol with all of his friends!!
like Weatherbee’s crew all rallies around him
with their baseball bats
to protect their friend’s school
teens are terrible
esp these teens
CC: I feel like this entire town’s emergency drill procedure hinges on forming vigilante squads
hurricane hits riverdale, town forms 18 different squads to take it out
it’s all vigilante squads and one cheryl
i haven’t said this in a while but BLESS RIVERDALE AS A WHOLE
for giving me what I needed this week
cheryl as a fucking valkyrie
acknowledging the hot dads of riverdale
madchen yelling at hal
hal getting arrested
win win win win win
Rachel: so Hal was just gonna murder / suicide his family?
that was his whole plan?
god I hate him
Jenny: the literal worst
CC: he’s so damn incompetent and pathetic
Jenny: like, what is even the point
CC: jesus y’all
we’re almost out of time and we haven’t even gotten to ghoulies
hal’s dumb face reminded me of that main trash ghoulie
Jenny: oh yeah that whole thing seems dumb
like, who has a fight at dawn
how is anyone supposed to get a good night’s sleep
all these gang members going to bed a 8:30???
there’s staying up the whole time!
they’re going to be so easy to take out bc none of them are well-rested!
CC: maybe that’s why everybody’s first plan is to start a slightly disappointing street gang
they’re all really sleep deprived and making bad decisions
Jenny: you know what was a GOOD decision though
Jenny: i stand by hiram this one time
Rachel: this was savaggeee
but yeah def
I mean, I think Reggie should have seen this one coming
CC: reggie crying at pop’s gave me an embarrassing amount of schadenfreude
like, reggie, I thought you liked a good prank????
reggie has been irredeemably terrible for a while on this show and I hope he can get back to being kind of a dick, but mostly okay
maybe “mostly okay” was sweepingly too positive a descriptor lol
Jenny: i mean yes
i would rather male characters be at least somewhat okay than be irredeemably terrible
before we wrap up, though
i feel like we need to talk about this
Jenny: i watched the preview for next week and there’s a tombstone in it
CC: ….for…..for jughead???
CC: oh no I hope this show doesn’t pull a switcheroo and kill off FP
like, there’s no way they’ll kill off jughead
Rachel: holy shit!!!
I hope not
he’s such a doofus but I still love him
and his good hair and his dumb hat
CC: I think the teens need him too much
the teens that I assume are the core of this show’s fan base
but FP on the other hand….
he’s been just a nice man and supportive dad all season….
what would hurt us more than losing THE HOTTEST OF ALL HOT RIVERDALE DADS
they already took hot murse from us
WHAT’S NEXT RACHEL
Rachel: cole sprouse is trolling us
Rachel: how dare u
CC: me rn
DUDE STAHP!! I ALMOST DROPPED MY CROISSANT!!
— david (@remsviolets) May 10, 2018
Jenny: ah, well; you’ve convinced me
i guess it was all just wishful thinking on my part, then
CC: lol sorry jenny
Jenny: it’s fine
i guess he is a main character
but moving on!
my final thought is
the trailer for next week also showed cheryl getting a bright red serpent’s jacket!
so maybe we’ll be getting more of the #20gayteen content!
Rachel: CHERYL AS A SERPENT
CC: omfg ok
my final thought is that cheryl is a way better serpent girlfriend than betty but if she had to do the serpent dance she’d pick a way better weird song to strip to
“mad world” is absolutely the worst song to strip to and also a v bad karaoke song!
CC: cheryl would pick some obscure german musical theater selection shit
honestly i bet she’d do a liza number from cabaret
Rachel: I don’t know enough about musical theatre to contribute to this lol
CC: I think she would follow the rules but would do so in a way that would make everybody so uncomfortable they’d ban the serpent dance forever
Jenny: we can only hope
CC: [cheryl emerges from a cocoon on the middle of the stage covered in goo]
performs a medieval chant for 2 hours
writer’s room pls
Jenny: i’m so into this
Rachel: my final thought is that even though I love Jug and I don’t want him to be dead, I’m not sad he got his tattoo cut off
that’s what happens when you slice up a vengeful woman
even though he has been a real doofus at points in this season, I feel bad about his face
but I still am kinda glad this plot point came back around??
I thought the show let him off way too easily for what he did
maybe he can get that serpents dnd tattoo instead now
CC: +1 on the serpents dnd tattoo idea