Riverdale Roundtable 21: “Judgement Night”

OK, but Archery Cheryl Tho

May 16, 2018 at 9:00 am

Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 21: Judgment Night. Join us to celebrate the return of Good Riverdale Trash, mourn one of our favorite fallen background hotties, and pledge allegiance to all the Hot Riverdale Dads.


 

Jenny: so i would like to begin at the beginning

 

 

Jenny: shot me right through the heart

CC: I gotta say
this was my favorite thing that has happened so far in riverdale
just cheryl showing up with a bow and shooting dirtbags

Jenny: it’s the content i crave

CC: truly
also the fact that cheryl
HAD TIME TO GET HER ARCHERY CLOAK
what a goddamned goddess

Rachel: u know she keeps that shit handy
probably has stashes of bows and arrows all over thornhill

CC: a bunch of caches hidden all over
like in a video game
this was the most I have liked riverdale in A While

Rachel: me too
I was surprised!
it was the most extra show
every single thread came together at once
but also I feel like shitty people finally got some comeuppance

CC: read: a literal arrow through the shoulder
b l e s s

Rachel: I can’t believe Hal killed the hot doctor

 

 

CC: struck down in his prime, truly

Jenny: i know!
not the murse!!

CC: the one day he wears something loose and comfortable
so, is it too early in the roundtable to just say
alice taunting hal with everything I personally think about hal was a goddamned delight

Jenny: i know!!
i have a whole image series

 

 

Jenny: *FP is a real man
calling him out for that shit w penelope blossom
rubbing his nose in just how much better fp is than him
bless madchen

CC: the best part
was alice telling hal that he couldn’t even get being a serial killer right
her entire reaction to this inevitable took-too-goddamned-long reveal was a+++++++

Rachel: yes!!! I love that she was immediately like, I’m going to taunt him and you hit him with the fire shovel Betty
she didn’t waste a second being sad or surprised
she jumped right into action

CC: great teamwork on that, too
like, the family that hides a body together stays together

Jenny: i mean — i think even if the homemovies hadn’t ended up being a confession
i would’ve gone along w that plan just for hal taking up everyone’s time

 

 

Jenny: like, black hood or not, please shut the hell up, HAL

CC: NO ONE CARES HAL

Jenny: maybe smacking you w this shovel will make you be quiet for once, HAL

CC: I HAVE A DARK SIDE
LOL
WHO DOESN’T
especially in RIVERDALE
ESPECIALLY IN THIS GODDAMNED FAMILY

Jenny: honestly
this family is a goddamn mess
great grandpappy cooper was actually a blossom twin, who killed his brother and then changed his name to cooper to avoid suspicion but also stayed in the same town???
literally, WHAT???

CC: so awkward for all their mutual friends
honestly tho, I am glad hal is gone and that the black hood storyline is over
rest in goddamned pieces please never come back

Jenny: i mean — it’s not really over
there’s a copycat on the loose
shooting up mayoral debates

Rachel: oh that guy def works for Hiram Lodge
I figured it was Andre even

Jenny: oh man!
you’re so smart i def believe that
honestly if the writers don’t do that i’ll be disappointed

CC: man idk, completing a mission doesn’t really seem like andre’s style

Jenny: lol

Rachel: lol he murdered that kid though!

CC: yeah but only after archie beat the crap out of them tho!

Jenny: oh and i guess andre was dead in the hotel lobby when the copycat shot fred?

 

 

CC: maybe andre is a twin
and also a blossom

Jenny: YES
SOLVED IT

CC: [finger guns intensify]

Rachel: the actual answer to everything

CC: EVERYONE IS BLOSSOMS

Rachel: god I was so excited when V finally told Hiram off though
I was never so proud of her

Jenny: for real

CC: same
I am so disappointed in hermione
I completely do not understand why she is so blind to his shit when last season she was completely aware of what a shady bastard hiram is

Jenny: dick too bomb

Rachel: man it seemed like she was coming around though?
like, she seemed to be shook up
not defending Hiram at the end

Jenny: that’s true
i think shooting that dude really put her in a position of control
really helped her recognize that she NEEDS to reevaluate her priorities
should make protecting V the most important thing

CC: baby poutine shook her out of it

 

 

CC: i can’t believe — like, i SHOULD be able to believe, it’s just my broken heart telling me otherwise
that hermione could betray fred that way

Jenny: ah — yeah
so here’s my thing about that
according to the text of this episode, it sounds like exposing herm/fred affair would not only ruin fred’s political career, but also his actual life
and idk if that’s really true
even if he were going to get back w molly ringwald, Molly KNOWS about herm/fred
they were a thrupple at prom last season
and archie knows about it too

CC: lol so true

Jenny: like — is the implication that people would stop hiring his business bc he slept w a woman who wasn’t his wife when he and his wife had been physically, emotionally, and legally separated (but not divorced) for plural years??
like — he’s running on family values, yes
but also it’s a small town
people seem to know each other’s business
they would maybe have some context around the situation?
maybe i just don’t know how small towns work
i guess — it’s not stars hollow
mostly what i’m getting at is that these writers are bad

Rachel: lol fair

Jenny: they can’t just make stakes by saying that there are stakes
they have to actually make the stakes
like, through the plot

CC: so, imo
people in riverdale have been doing business with fred a long time
he got blacklisted for like 5 dang seconds when the serpents were I guess guarding his business? or? something? I don’t remember
but I feel like all he’d need to do is show up and be like “gawsh, I’m not one fer speechifyin'” and people would throw their money at him once again

Jenny: i mean i know i would
***insert mmxxl joke here***

 

 

CC: YES

Rachel: if Kev just posts this pic
then all three of them would be co-Mayors immediately

Jenny: that’s an america i can believe in

CC: i still don’t understand hiram’s endgame with the “october surprise” tho
I don’t see how hermione’s campaign could better weather this particular scandal than fred’s could

Rachel: I think it’s also revenge on Hermione
put her in the limelight, tear her down

CC: yeah that makes sense
look I think smithers definitely overestimated hermione tho bc she really leaned into being a mob wife hard the minute hiram came back
even at points that put veronica in danger, in my opinion

Jenny: for real

CC: like, up until this point, which was definitely Too Much Danger
I’m really glad she saw the light and I’m hopeful for her character going forward
we have a lot of dads to root for now and all I want is to also root for more of these moms

Jenny: i’m rooting for madchen for sure though
but i’d love to get more moms?
more molly ringwald
bring on ally sheedy

CC: GOD
“ally sheedy shows up as jughead’s mom and hooks up with fred” is my new endgame

Jenny: i’m sure it’ll be, like, the start of next season, when alice and fp are like, sort of together but still figuring things out and then he has to decide between alice or keeping his family together, which will be an esp hard decision after jug’s death
ally sheedy hooking up w fred is a p good outcome

CC: I really don’t want to have my loyalty divided between madchen and ally sheedy!

Jenny: or molly and ally sheedy for that matter

CC: I guess riverdale is big enough for 2 power thrupples but I don’t think alice would be into sharing

Jenny: i mean i def see where you’re coming from w that
that seems like an accurate characterization
but then, when have these writers ever been consistent w their characterizations??

CC: so, so true
god, when the hell could alice have even met hal?? in high school???
weren’t they ~ divided ~ by the north and south sides???

Jenny: i mean, def they said they were together in high school, but yeah idk about the separate high school thing

CC: I guess if you kill your brother and change your name / identity without skipping town, you can ~~~~ change schools and move a few miles away ~~~ and nobody would even be the wiser

Jenny: bc i think fp talks about having gone to southside high himself?
maybe alice transferred up
or maybe it was a real pretty in pink sort of situation
fancy dude, girl from the wrong side of the tracks
but also a romeo and juliet kind of thing but more about like sports rivalries
maybe alice was a southside cheerleader
hal was some asshole in the northside marching band
alice was bored
no
i really don’t see how this happened

CC: SEE
i mean we all make mistakes, but hal just doesn’t seem like alice’s kind of mistake
also idk how he could have hidden his creepy religious cult upbringing literally decades from his wife

Jenny: YEAH

CC: I can see her hiding things from him but hal seems too dumb

 

 

Rachel: I guess she never met his family?

Jenny: i feel like she talked about hating his mom
but maybe i made that up

CC: if she didn’t know them at all, “it figures you’d be a mama’s boy” is a Good Take, alice
L O L

Jenny: agreed
also!
i feel like there’s a lot in this ep that we haven’t really talked about yet
it was a Very Busy ep
A Lot happened
for instance:

 

 

Jenny: pop is really hardcore
put a rag in some liquor
set it on fire

CC: bless him
PROTECT POP
also principal weatherbee breaking out that riverdale high boyfight

 

 

Jenny: i like that that’s what he does when there’s a riot in town — he goes to the highschool and threatens teens

Rachel: lol with all of his friends!!
like Weatherbee’s crew all rallies around him
with their baseball bats
to protect their friend’s school

Jenny: SAME
teens are terrible
esp these teens

CC: I feel like this entire town’s emergency drill procedure hinges on forming vigilante squads
hurricane hits riverdale, town forms 18 different squads to take it out

Jenny: LOL
it’s all vigilante squads and one cheryl

 

 

CC: GOD
GOOOOOOD
i haven’t said this in a while but BLESS RIVERDALE AS A WHOLE
for giving me what I needed this week
cheryl as a fucking valkyrie
acknowledging the hot dads of riverdale
madchen yelling at hal
hal getting arrested
win win win win win

Rachel: so Hal was just gonna murder / suicide his family?
that was his whole plan?
god I hate him

Jenny: the literal worst

 

 

CC: he’s so damn incompetent and pathetic

Jenny: like, what is even the point

CC: jesus y’all
we’re almost out of time and we haven’t even gotten to ghoulies
hal’s dumb face reminded me of that main trash ghoulie

Jenny: oh yeah that whole thing seems dumb
like, who has a fight at dawn
how is anyone supposed to get a good night’s sleep
all these gang members going to bed a 8:30???
no!
there’s staying up the whole time!
they’re going to be so easy to take out bc none of them are well-rested!

CC: maybe that’s why everybody’s first plan is to start a slightly disappointing street gang
they’re all really sleep deprived and making bad decisions

Jenny: you know what was a GOOD decision though

 

 

Jenny: i stand by hiram this one time

Rachel: this was savaggeee
but yeah def
I mean, I think Reggie should have seen this one coming

CC: reggie crying at pop’s gave me an embarrassing amount of schadenfreude
like, reggie, I thought you liked a good prank????
reggie has been irredeemably terrible for a while on this show and I hope he can get back to being kind of a dick, but mostly okay
somewhat okay
maybe “mostly okay” was sweepingly too positive a descriptor lol

Jenny: i mean yes
i would rather male characters be at least somewhat okay than be irredeemably terrible
before we wrap up, though
i feel like we need to talk about this

 

 

Jenny: i watched the preview for next week and there’s a tombstone in it

CC: ….for…..for jughead???

Jenny: seemingly

CC: oh no I hope this show doesn’t pull a switcheroo and kill off FP
like, there’s no way they’ll kill off jughead

Rachel: holy shit!!!
I mean
I hope not
he’s such a doofus but I still love him
and his good hair and his dumb hat

CC: I think the teens need him too much
the teens that I assume are the core of this show’s fan base
but FP on the other hand….
he’s been just a nice man and supportive dad all season….
what would hurt us more than losing THE HOTTEST OF ALL HOT RIVERDALE DADS
they already took hot murse from us
what’s next
WHAT’S NEXT RACHEL

Rachel: cole sprouse is trolling us

Rachel: how dare u

CC: me rn

Jenny: ah, well; you’ve convinced me
i guess it was all just wishful thinking on my part, then

CC: lol sorry jenny

Jenny: it’s fine
i guess he is a main character
but moving on!
final thoughts!
my final thought is
the trailer for next week also showed cheryl getting a bright red serpent’s jacket!
so maybe we’ll be getting more of the #20gayteen content!

Rachel: OMG

 

 

Rachel: CHERYL AS A SERPENT

CC: omfg ok
my final thought is that cheryl is a way better serpent girlfriend than betty but if she had to do the serpent dance she’d pick a way better weird song to strip to

Jenny: 100%
“mad world” is absolutely the worst song to strip to and also a v bad karaoke song!

CC: cheryl would pick some obscure german musical theater selection shit

Jenny: ooh
honestly i bet she’d do a liza number from cabaret
v appropriate

Rachel: I don’t know enough about musical theatre to contribute to this lol

CC: I think she would follow the rules but would do so in a way that would make everybody so uncomfortable they’d ban the serpent dance forever

Jenny: we can only hope

CC: [cheryl emerges from a cocoon on the middle of the stage covered in goo]
performs a medieval chant for 2 hours
writer’s room pls

Jenny: i’m so into this

Rachel: my final thought is that even though I love Jug and I don’t want him to be dead, I’m not sad he got his tattoo cut off
that’s what happens when you slice up a vengeful woman

CC: GOD
amen tho
even though he has been a real doofus at points in this season, I feel bad about his face
but I still am kinda glad this plot point came back around??
I thought the show let him off way too easily for what he did

Rachel: yes!!!
agreed
maybe he can get that serpents dnd tattoo instead now

CC: +1 on the serpents dnd tattoo idea

Jenny: +1

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.