Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 episode 5: “When a Stranger Calls.” Join us in celebrating Madchen #Looks and a girl gang kicking the shit out of a rapist and literally nothing else in this otherwise trash episode.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
Rachel: I hated this episode
there were only 2 good moments
Jenny: i told you
Rachel: you were so right
Jenny: this one was rough
CC: ok but
yall
not to be an insufferable butthead but
guess who called it ???????
re: jug & toni
Jenny: you did
you absolutely did
Rachel: ugh
fuck jug’s storyline here
CC: this is definitely a time that I am not glad to be right
Jenny: what happened to NO GANG ACTIVITY is what i want to know
hot teacher will be disappointed
CC: so if I’ve learned one thing from riverdale, it’s to be completely honest with everyone all the time
no white lies
if I don’t like ur quiche i gotta tell u 2 your face
so I don’t accidentally push you into a quiche gang turf war
Jenny: it’ll come back to haunt you
this ep i was honestly so surprised at how easily archie was able to manipulate a situation
re: betty doesn’t want to see you any more
CC: omg me too
Rachel: yeah that kind of fell into his lap
CC: he really “yes and”-ed that situation
Jenny: right??
he just seems like the kind of asshole at improv who would keep trying to make some dumb joke about boners work
like would not read the situation at all
but he did a decent job being shitty and manipulative
CC: “also betty told me you owe her $20 bucks; she definitely said that so you better give me twenty dollars”
Jenny: YES
CC: look i was trying 2 keep this a secret but
i snuck into a pool once without paying when i was 11
i hope u can forgive a criminal like me
just laying all my secrets on the table now
Rachel: ok here’s my secret
but it’s not very secret
CC: is it that u hate pumpkin
Rachel: no, it’s that madchen was my 2nd favorite thing about this episode
Jenny: !!!!!!!
CC: oh nvm yeah AGREED
CC: I was gonna say, are your two things Madchen’s Power Outfit and 5 women kicking the shit out of a rapist?
bc those are my 2 favorite things, in this episode and also just this week in general
Rachel: yes those are my things!!!!!!
Jenny: i was p out on her when she was accusing betty of having forged the black hood codex for attention
but then!
CC: madchen is a fucking wild ride
CC: i saw that last week yall were saying she was being a good mom for once and
i don’t buy it
Rachel: oh we said that she was ALMOST a good mom
so close
CC: “i am so worried WHY DON’T U CALL” is manipulative bad mom playbook move #4
Jenny: she was a good mom for like half of one scene last week
but mostly just regular madchen shit
CC: it partners with “unreasonable request buffered by guilt trip”
my other secret is I don’t think the salem cat puppet is the murderer anymore
i think it’s
hal cooper
Jenny: ME TOO!!!
THIS EPISODE REALLY SEALED IT FOR ME
CC: -green eyes
-abusive judgey piece of shit
Jenny: -wants polly’s babies dead
CC: -anthropomorphic bag of flour in a sweater vest
Rachel: I think the murderer is Hal but Betty’s stalker is Dilton
they are def 2 people
Jenny: i’d buy that
CC: agreed
that’s a good call rachel
Rachel: I’ve been watching a lot of Mindhunter so
I feel like I’ve got good insight
the FBI should basically hire me
Jenny: you could be the dude in closer encounters
CC: **** closest encounters with rachel weiss ****
Rachel: hell yeah
CC: i hope madchen kills hal in self defense and then bones FP on top of a car in her viper outfit
Jenny: literally the best possible outcome
CC: and by “i hope” i mean “it’s coming”
😉
Rachel: wink wink!!!
CC: so can we do a hot dad power ranking list real quick? I want to see where all these dudes stand
Rachel: oh sure
CC: mostly I just want to say: hiram is hot but more trouble than he is worth
he is also at the same time worse than all the other hot dads
Jenny: agreed
Rachel: Fred and Fp are still my top 2
obvs
Jenny: i’ve been p bummed about the lack of fp
CC: fred is the liam of riverdale
he is a sweet guy and overlooked by flashier dads but v trustworthy
Jenny: FRED IS THE LIAM OF RIVERDALE
is fp the zayn?
CC: this is uh, a different liam, this is a mass effect joke I’m sorry ;__;
Jenny: damn
CC: i think it still works though
Rachel: lol for once!!!
it’s meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
take that gilmore girls!!!!!!
CC: this dad was made just for me
CC: but replace “hole” with “dad” lolol)
Rachel: heh heh heh
Jenny: ok ok
so
there’s
hal, fred, hiram, fp, idk who else
Jenny: sheriff
Rachel: Josie’s dad
Jazz dad
CC: angry at teens for being teens dad lol
Jenny: jazz dad, cop dad, murder dad, handsome dad, best dad, bad dad
*bad dad is actually good dad now, i think
CC: bittersweet dad
hottest dad
Jenny: yeah, then eh
the point was to rank the dads right?
that’s what we’re doing?
Rachel: I think the dad ranking is still the same
not much has changed for me
Jenny: i think my top are still fred, and maybe sheriff
CC: imo: FP > an enormous gap > Fred > Sherriff > hiram > every weekend biker dad looking south side serpent > not hal
hal doesn’t get to be on the list
butttttttt anyway
so let’s talk about jug’s storyline
does it make sense for him to join the serpents or is this just easy melodrama or what
Rachel: 100% easy melodrama
Jenny: i mean i kind of see where they’re coming from
CC: god seeing sweet pea’s sweaty face makes me so mad but then I remember that archie literally pointed a gun at him for no real reason
Jenny: yeah
CC: sweet pea is the walmart brand jughead
the doctor paper of jugheads
cobra cola of jugheads
Rachel: well, archie pointed a gun at him because Sweat Pea was like “I have a knife and will stab you”
Jenny: for being in the wrong neighborhood
no
for vandalism
better reason
but still
stabbing
Rachel: all I’m saying is both of these teen boys have too much testosterone
CC: all these boys need to like
play pokemon go
that brought people together, right? for a time, in 2016?
Jenny: idk why they’re not just, like, sleeping all the time? i feel like that’s what i did when i was a teen
homework??
after school jobs?
CC: ya but idk if u were trying to solve SPOOKY MURDERS all the time
Jenny: well not all the time
Rachel: that whole time at Veronica’s party I kept thinking
“where are the parents????”
Jenny: right???
CC: i mean i bet hiram brought them the jingle jangle
god what a sentence
fuck me
Rachel: this was me
this whole episode basically
Jenny: i mean i think hiram and hermione were wining/dining the st.clair adults
efficient time management
CC: is no one still concerned about the jingle jangle????
was it all a red herring???
Jenny: idk idk but reggie did admit to selling it to nick
the ghoulies have to come back up at some point right?
CC: this show!!!!!!
why do any of these things happen?????
i think they’re coming back in the next episode
Jenny: that was the jingle-jangle storyline
that’s something at least
a little continuity
CC: i wonder if madchen knows that hal is the killer
Jenny: i don’t think so
CC: i wouldn’t think so BUT
he is kinda accomplishing her goals for her
hal and madchen both want to isolate betty from literally everything she loves
Rachel: well and then this happened
CC: what a moment
Jenny: ok ok i want to say a thing about this
i think this is a lighting-direction error but here goes
i am SO ABOUT veronica and the pussycats beating the shit out of this rapist; but i am Actively NOT ABOUT its being paralleled to jughead joining a gang
like
compare
Jenny: i think if veronica’s scene was well-lit
or if the girls were lit from the back, like haloed, avenging angels
then i think it could’ve worked
CC: yikes, yeah
especially considering that this show goes so hard on symbolism
Jenny: but rn
the parallel is between jug and this rapist
between the serpents and the pussycats
like
i’m all for girl gangs
but
literally having the shit kicked out of you so that you can be part of a club/also bc you’re feeling like garbage is a VERY DIFFERENT scenario than having the shit kicked out of you bc you drugged and attempted to assault the most precious and beautiful citizen of this godawful town
CC: no one deserves cheryl
she is a gift upon this earth
Jenny: i’m still waiting for more shots of Thorndale
fuckin
Thistle House
is the new one
evil greenhouse
CC: honestly if betty’s stalker was the killer, I wouldn’t exactly shed a tear over douchebag st clair getting murdered
my only regret would be that I’d want cheryl to kill him
i mean, even still, she’d probably beat the black hood to it
Jenny: i will say though that the bit at the end
the “give me a name” bit
— i did not know that THIS was the live-action Death Note adaptation
i thought it had Nat Wolff
CC: also that bit
imo, that betrays that betty’s stalker is somebody who doesn’t see the difference between freely given consent and coerced consent
and that, tinged with the creepy sexual undertones, really supports that her stalker and the killer are different people / the killer is her dad and the stalker is ROTC Nerd
i mean I know I am jumping to a lot of conclusions here but i think this is a person who desperately wants betty to be the same as him
Jenny: i mean yes
Jenny: w this shit
CC: barf
Jenny: that this was ACTUALLY not the death note remake but in fact a remake of the 1994 classic jim carrey film The Mask
CC: i sincerely bet that there’s a legit remake in the works
i’d put a very small amount of money on that
Jenny: i mean they’ve done everything else now
also on this scene
Jenny: these are cute boots but i think impractical
for meeting a serial killer
or going to the abandoned house a serial killer told you about
Rachel: god those boots were the first thing I noticed!!!
CC: imo u gotta get all the insole support you can when meeting up with a murderer
Jenny: i keep saying serial killer but he only killed grundy, right?
shot fred, killed grundy, shot moose
Rachel: yeah I was just thinking about that today
only successfully murdered one person
CC: does dildo dirk or w/e (ROTC guy) know that Betty went all Dark Betty in the past?
Jenny: he was at the party last season
where chuck told everyone
CC: ooooh shit
this show makes me so tired y’all
Jenny: i thought of another good point from this ep
Jenny: so there’s that at least
the Beast
a good boy
team dog
Rachel: aww Hot Dog!!!!!
CC: hot dog and vegas! best pals from the opposite sides of the tracks!
Jenny: i would watch that show
in a heartbeat
Rachel: Hot Dog is just such a good dog name
CC: also that dog is the most doggy dog to ever dog
lol @ the entire serpent initiation
-dog sit
-let a dad yell @ u
-get the everloving shit beat out of you by a greasy mannequin named sweet pea
Jenny: lets not forget the snake
-get bit by a literal fucking snake
CC: oh yeah
i hope the serpent initiation includes dental coverage
the whole time jughead was getting smacked around, all I could think is “ahhh i hope he has a mouth guard”
sincerely, a person with braces lolololol
Jenny: oh man i cannot imagine
your lips would get all cut up
all the more reason not to get in fights i guess
Rachel: I kept excepting him to spit out the tooth
that’s how it always goes, so movies/tv have taught me
Jenny: that would’ve been good
i could’ve been into that
but as it stands
CC: i mean not right now ngl
even tho i generally like jughead
Rachel: right now he’s a real ding dong
CC: all the dudes in this show are garbage right now
except kevin, a true hero and icon
Jenny: yeah
i mean
i’d like to get more kevin scenes
where he’s maybe just chilling w moose
or his dad
could really lighten this up
CC: kevin joins the serpents to track down joaquin
;o;
Jenny: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH
that’s a good storyline
CC: casey cott knocks all the kevin scenes out of the park
Jenny: lili reinhart does a consistently good job i think
like i’m an easy weeper so maybe this doesn’t count for much, but she had me going on my first pass through this ep
i feel for her struggle
Rachel: she was a GOOD crier
Jenny: yeah
Rachel: Betty doesn’t deserve what’s happening to her
watching her fight with V was the worsttt
Jenny: heartbreaking
Jenny: betty is my bestie, and THE BEST
CC: i love them
Jenny: they are so pure
they are the heart of this show and also my body
female friendship sustains
CC: dollars to donuts V figures out that something is going on without archie needing to tell her
Jenny: i believe it
CC: BECAUSE veronica is the most emotionally intuitive person in riverdale
Jenny: she’s so smart
also, i love betty’s stole-your-girl face in this screenshot
i mean, i know that’s not really what it is but it kind of looks like it out of context
CC: i think at this point tho, a large part of my ship is just that i don’t think either of these doofus dudes are good enough for either of these 2 babes
Jenny: that’s true
i stand by that
CC: also re: jughead
keeping secrets!!!!
and also, joining a gang to keep them in line
Jenny: “dogsitting” code for “joining a gang”
CC: like, yeah, this isn’t a bethesda game; you’re not just going to roll up on a faction and become the leader in a day
if u can’t do the fetch quests u don’t get 2 lead
Jenny: idk why he thinks he’s going to just start out at the top of the gang food chain
watch the pipebomb plan still happen
CC: ughhhhhhhhhh
Rachel: ugh of course it will
CC: i hate that plan so much
i thought that was in the box at the end tbh!!!!
I was like nooooo betty!!!!
Jenny: oh man yeah
that would’ve been wild
but also would’ve signaled that the black hood was a serpent
like for sure
maybe too big of a give
Rachel: true
Jenny: but also
hal 100% had access to that mugshot of his wife
so that’s a p big give too
CC: how does no one in town remember madchen’s sordid past?????
it’s not like she just moved to riverdale!
Jenny: i know!!!
fp remembers
CC: only like 12 people live there!
look i can’t run into one person i knew in high school without them reminding me of what a knucklehead i was back then (“”””back then”””” lol)
maybe it’s just that riverdale has always been a drama farm and everybody forgets yesterday’s drama when something new happens
Jenny: that seems plausible
CC: the blossoms have lived in riverdale forever, so it couldn’t have been all *that* quiet out there
Rachel: haha tru
ok y’all, final thoughts?
Jenny: kill all rapists
CC: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 100% 100% 100% 100%
Rachel: hahahahah
yeah mine is that maybe I should learn to wear high heels so I can really be my best rapist-ass-kicking self
CC: mine is, I want to see more about madchen’s sordid past!!!!!! I want the inevitable 80s flashback scene with actors who look nothing like their adult counterparts!!!!!
yall took the really Good points so I am bringing up the rear lol
Jenny: another takeaway: maybe invest in a flowing shorts-jumpsuit?
idk what to call that thing she was wearing
CC: romper with cape?
Jenny: that’s exactly what i need
Rachel: god that was such a Good Look
CC: I want to get on that “evil “widow” who definitely would never kill her useless husband” Look for 2018
Jenny: yeah i really want to see the fallout from madchen’s self-acceptance next episode
— fallout, read: husband murder
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All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.
