#popculture

Riverdale Roundtable 7: “Tales from the Darkside”

We feel extremely BETRAYED, how dare this writers room!!!!!

Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 episode 7: “Tales from the Darkside.” Join us as we weep over our broken expectations for certain characters in this show and also cry for the saving of FP’s pretty face.

Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!

 

Jenny: shall we begin w this blair witch bullshit?

CC: oh my goodness

Jenny: like i get needing a framing device but it felt like lazy editing

 

 

Rachel: yeah what the fuckkkkk

CC: yeah even that title screen was so lazy
is the blair witch project even relevant with The Kids Today????

Jenny: i’ll be honest
i was only 70% i was referencing the right thing

Rachel: Jenny I always forget you are technically a Youth because you have the soul of a wizened crone

Jenny: that is the greatest compliment i have ever received

CC: the heart of a lion, the soul of a crone, the mind of an elderly lady detective in a period drama
all things we think about u

Jenny: putting that in my twitter bio

Rachel: oh my god put that on all of our gravestones

CC: you know
i think that’s what riverdale needs, to be completely honest
we need an elderly lady detective to tie this all together
like, ilu betty but
i mean
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Jenny: she’d be an easy in for crone of the year

Rachel: with a few more decades on her, def
and a healthy diet of the flesh of children

CC: i was not a fan of the framing of this episode
i feel like i am easily swayed by narrative gimmicks but i just couldn’t get invested in a good chunk of this episode

Rachel: half way through Jug and Archie’s I thought “WHERE IS VERONICA” because I had already forgotten their dumb narrative device

CC: LOL
true; same

Jenny: honestly
i made an audible sigh of relief
when v finally appeared on screen

Rachel: yeah
also, slight tangent
but Archie’s alternate future of them all being fancy people in New York, a la Friends
I would fucking watch that
because I’m basic as fuck

Jenny: oh i would too
i would LOVE that
b&v roommates on the upper west side or whatever
b solving big money political scandals and v being nice to doormen

CC: yeah what a secretly sensitive boy archie is, but also how out of touch
archie and jughead living in one of those apartments that’s just somebody’s closet
not even a walk in closet
just a regular closet
archie is so “anyway here’s wonderwall” but i still want to root for his Artist Dream

Rachel: LOL

CC: this was me blowing thru the archie and jughead sequence

 

 

Jenny: lol same

CC: in order of sequences, ranked from most enjoyable to least enjoyable:
b & v > cheryl & josie >>>>>>>>>>>>>> bert & ernie

Jenny: i’d agree w that

Rachel: yes
ALTHOUGH
and really this could be a betty thing but
I lost my mind when Jug called her Poirot
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT POIROT

CC: so, all i have to say about the archie & jug bit is that penny peabody skeeves me out
she is very Into pushing him in a way that feels a lil un com for ta ble

Jenny: that is fair but also i def relate to at least one thing
about her

 

 

Jenny: mfw i think about fp’s pretty face

CC: I literally yelled out NOOOOOOOO at this scene

 

 

CC: me crying in relief over jug’s actual tears

Rachel: omg hard same

CC: like riverdale why do u think i’m still here
DON’T PLAY WITH MY HEART

Rachel: OH MY GOD SPEAKING OF HOT DADS
PERFECT TRANSITION
TO MUSCLE KELLER

Jenny: GOD I KNOW

 

 

Jenny: “I WAS JUST THIRSTY”
same girl
same

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: i will say though that v was a little too much for me in this scene

 

 

Jenny: like a lot of her dialogue could be really easily misinterpreted
as like, hitting on this hot dad
and that made me v uncomfortable

CC: “””” misinterpreted “””” (not bc V; shaking my fist at writer’s room)

Jenny: i mean yeah

Rachel: oh my god I thought that’s where they were going with this!!!
that Sheriff Keller would be like “uh Veronica I’m not interested”

Jenny: i just feel like v is savvy enough to toe the line between investigating and flirting w an older dude
and it felt like too much of the latter

CC: i feel like v would have gone really extra on the flirting
if intentional
like she did with the punk ghoulie last week

Jenny: like if that had been her intention they could’ve had her like
rearrange her boobs or some shit
to signal to the audience that the vibe was purposeful

CC: so one interesting tidbit from this whole banter
kevin’s mom is in the navy?? that’s cool

Jenny: yeah!

CC: i mean uh not cool that he’s cheating on her

Jenny: i agree that it is a cool and underrepresented take though
and also cool and underrepresented: gay nerds who like board games

 

 

Rachel: hell yeah!!!
my sweet boy

CC: so, is that…just regular ass dice & a d12?

Jenny: honestly though like god what is this, 1972??
little army men?
unless he MADE THE GAME HIMSELF

Rachel: this is like a Ben from Parks and Rec situation
where he made a really elaborate game and is constantly trying to get his friends to play it

Jenny: #confirmed

CC: 2 peas in a pod

 

 

CC: i would 100% bet kevin made that game

Rachel: I want to believe

CC: patent that shit kevin
pay for college w ur board game money

Jenny: live that dream

CC: so one other aspect of the archie and jug plot i wanna cover before we move on forever and hopefully never think about it again in our lives
the drug kingpin ghoulie baba yaga ???

Jenny: no way
mama fratelli

 

 

CC: wow

Rachel: woah!!!!!

Jenny: didn’t realize this was a goonies crossover
but the archie/jug plot was FULL of crossover garbage
and i’m mad about it

CC: i mean, imo it leaked into the josie plot too

 

 

Jenny: i mean yes

CC: not so much a take as it is a dude in your introductory college english class telling u he likes film

Jenny: lollolololololololololololol

CC: what other crossovers did you see, jenny? i think some might have gone over my head
as i have seen 4 movies in my whole life and 3 were VHS tapes of sailor moon movies

Jenny: OK
WELL
the A/J plot was FULL OF WITCH SHIT
exhibit A:

 

 

Jenny: YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN GREENDALE AFTER MIDNIGHT
bc of witchcraft
exhibit B

 

 

Jenny: McGinty thought that Archie was Jason Blossom
“You never know on the road to Greendale”
you never know if the people you meet are alive or dead???
sounds like witchcraft 2me
THEN
EXHIBIT C:

 

 

Jenny: when Madam Satan is brought up from Hell
she slaughters a pregnant doe and her unborn calf
and while i get that the doe in the ep ties into the one in mcginty’s truck probably
i think this is worth pointing out

CC: wow some deep worldbuilding in the riverdale cinematic universe

Jenny: BUT
THE WORST
THE WORST PART
I LITERALLY CANNOT EXPRESS HOW DISAPPOINTED I AM IN THE GODDAMN WRITERS ROOM

 

 

Jenny: THIS DUMB ASS HORSE SHIT
this crate is a ref
to an hp lovecraft short story
called “At the Mountains of Madness”
and I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS
I SIGNED UP FOR SABRINA
THESE ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT KINDS OF MAGIC THINGS
but also McGinty is a character in the comic books
he is a police officer who mentors a diff police officer, who turns out to be the Black Hood (a superhero originally)
and also he is famously gay

Rachel: oh shit!
well this is a fucking disservice then

Jenny: his bf’s name is Looney

CC: JENNY
!!!!

Jenny: sorry i kind of went on but i AM MAD ABOUT IT

CC: you really are an elderly lady detective from a period drama!!!!!!!!!!!
i am so impressed by all this sleuthing!!!!!!
bc all of that went completely over my head
they mentioned greendale but i didn’t see a cat puppet so i fell into a deep sleep for 14 minutes or however long it took to get 2 josie

Jenny: all this riverdale reaper bullshit they’re trying to keep the public distracted from the HP LOVECRAFT FUCKERY
but also cc that is a fair and reasonable reaction
i could not take what dummies these boys were

 

 

Jenny: literally what a dummy

Rachel: I think… I’m actually the maddest about the Josie story

Jenny: I AM ALSO SO MAD ABOUT THE JOSIE STORY
i have gone on record as being V INTO Cheryl and Josie’s friendship but I am V Not Into what is happening now

Rachel: I feel incredibly betrayed

Jenny: THAT IS EXACTLY THE WORD FOR IT
BETRAYAL

CC: i was mad about this whole episode bc it made cheryl an actual villain instead of an emotional roller coaster of an antihero
i want 2 root for u!!!!
I was in denial
like,
UH, MAYBE, MAYBE IT’S ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING
but then again, cheryl’s face before and after josie got the pig heart or w/e
“wwwwWWwwwhoo could have possibly given you this perfectly well preserved pig heart? not i, your best friend”
that is what that face says 2 me

Jenny: in my notes i was like, what if cheryl’s the one leaving notes and then i was immediately like no she wouldn’t do that
FRIENDSHIP
is NOTHING SACRED TO THESE WRITERS?????

Rachel: Cheryl where did you even GET a pig’s heart
also
the fact that she knew it was a pig’s heart should have been a big giveaway

CC: true, but i believe that cheryl blossom could possibly recognize a raw pig’s heart on sight
i mean, if anybody

Jenny: i’d buy that too honestly

Rachel: see this is that denial!!!!!

CC: NOOOO
RACHEL U ARE RUINING MY BEAUTIFUL DREAM
don’t make me bring jason into this!!!!

Rachel: you know what
YOU KNOW WHAT
Cheryl did this
CHERYL DID THIS

CC: I CAN’T HEAR U
CHERYL DID NOTHINGGGGG

 

 

Rachel: that’s meeeeeeeeee

Jenny: but honestly
i was SO MAD

 

 

Jenny: like
chuck’s taking art classes
i thought
i thought this could be that
but it’s not

Rachel: it was too convenient

CC: also, side note: lol @ this sexual harasser and enemy of women deciding 2 enter the comics industry

 

 

CC: he immediately posted a #metoo status about being a dipshit right after that dinner

Rachel: yeah, so real
tooooo real
I dunno, I felt complicated about this
like I want to believe in reformation, I’m a sucker like that
but you don’t get to just slide in to this show again
and be like “I’m changed~~~~~”
idk

CC: he was proud of what a piece of shit he was!!!!
going to church for a few weeks or months doesn’t change that!!!!!!!

Jenny: also i’m still p convinced
that it was him in that van following around ethel muggs
in ep2 or whatever

Rachel: ohhhHHHHHHHH
god they never resolved that!!!!
this dang show!!!!

Jenny: they never resolve anything
ALSO
they keep pulling SHIT LIKE THIS

 

 

CC: red maga hat that says “red herring” on it dot jpg

Jenny: let’s just INTRODUCE A black hood sized character with a WEIRD THING about young girls and also violence
lazy fucking writing i swear to god

Rachel: I’m real mad about this episode, just as a whole

Jenny: same
i felt like it started
SO STRONG
on the witch shit
and then it went nowhere
like it always does

Rachel: it didn’t even have Madchen in a pantsuit or the pussycats beating up a rapist

Jenny: I KNOW
NO MADCHEN AT ALL and frankly i’m mad about that too

CC: at least FP’s pretty face is safe

Jenny: thank god for that
praise hands emoji

CC: also there were some great Looks in this episode

Jenny: can agree there

 

 

Jenny: even though these writers are shit the costumers are gr9

CC: casual teens at a high school
just being teens
during school hours

Jenny: casually

Rachel: ok y’all it’s time for final thoughts

CC: before final thoughts tho
100% would kill 4 this sweater

 

 

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: it’s v you

Rachel: 100% u

CC: my final thought is that sheriff keller deserves a little privacy; after archie’s parents i can’t keep up with the thrupples in this town

Jenny: AGREE
like maybe betty shouldn’t be breaking into his house and then getting mad that she gets in trouble for it
like that is an actual for real crime

CC: it makes sense that he has a crime wall
HE IS A SHERIFF SOLVING LITERALLY THIS!!! CRIME!!!

Jenny: she is 100% not allowed to judge anyone’s murder board

Rachel: super duper agree

Jenny: i have 2 takeaways
1st is a thing for next week
i want to know who this nighttime deputy is — the one who “fell asleep” when the black hood shot hot-teacher/drug-dealer

 

 

Jenny: 2nd is a commentary
when josie’s mom is talking about the death threats
she says that there was some backlash when she got arrested
but since the black hood it’s been so much worse
“you’ve read the letters i used to get
and now since the black hood’s started
it’s like they’re emboldened by him”
you guys
the black hood is donald drumpf
emboldening racists
ppl who are looking to use racial minorities as scapegoats
that’s the show

 

 

CC: “let’s make this metaphor accessible 2 teens by making it as sexual as humanly possible in frequently uncomfortable ways”
— riverdale writer’s room, 2017

Jenny: basically

Rachel: man my takeaway is just me crying about Cheryl
I don’t know if I’ll ever recover

Jenny: same though
there’s no fixing it
unless this was a dreamsequence!!
that sounds like some shit they’d pull

CC: i mean maybe it’s still the dream sequence of archie’s wedding, but after a very weird turn
it’s possible

Jenny: lolololol

CC: it’s ok tho rachel we’re here 4 u
eeeeeven from beyond the graaaaave ~~~~

 

 

Rachel: ahhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 

Rachel: lol ok let’s leave it there??

CC: ya i am cool w that!

Jenny: wait wait
i got one more shot

 

 

Jenny: ok done
[you don’t actually have to include it]

Rachel: lol no I 100% am

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror in blood during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a big weirdo that likes to design in Photoshop and code in JavaScript. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.

© 2014 - 2017 Carolynn Calabrese, Jenny Mott and Rachel Weiss and POMEgranate Magazine

Posts

$
Personal Info

Donation Total: $1

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!