Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 episode 7: “Tales from the Darkside.” Join us as we weep over our broken expectations for certain characters in this show and also cry for the saving of FP’s pretty face.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
Jenny: shall we begin w this blair witch bullshit?
CC: oh my goodness
Jenny: like i get needing a framing device but it felt like lazy editing
Rachel: yeah what the fuckkkkk
CC: yeah even that title screen was so lazy
is the blair witch project even relevant with The Kids Today????
Jenny: i’ll be honest
i was only 70% i was referencing the right thing
Rachel: Jenny I always forget you are technically a Youth because you have the soul of a wizened crone
Jenny: that is the greatest compliment i have ever received
CC: the heart of a lion, the soul of a crone, the mind of an elderly lady detective in a period drama
all things we think about u
Jenny: putting that in my twitter bio
Rachel: oh my god put that on all of our gravestones
CC: you know
i think that’s what riverdale needs, to be completely honest
we need an elderly lady detective to tie this all together
like, ilu betty but
i mean
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Jenny: she’d be an easy in for crone of the year
Rachel: with a few more decades on her, def
and a healthy diet of the flesh of children
CC: i was not a fan of the framing of this episode
i feel like i am easily swayed by narrative gimmicks but i just couldn’t get invested in a good chunk of this episode
Rachel: half way through Jug and Archie’s I thought “WHERE IS VERONICA” because I had already forgotten their dumb narrative device
CC: LOL
true; same
Jenny: honestly
i made an audible sigh of relief
when v finally appeared on screen
Rachel: yeah
also, slight tangent
but Archie’s alternate future of them all being fancy people in New York, a la Friends
I would fucking watch that
because I’m basic as fuck
Jenny: oh i would too
i would LOVE that
b&v roommates on the upper west side or whatever
b solving big money political scandals and v being nice to doormen
CC: yeah what a secretly sensitive boy archie is, but also how out of touch
archie and jughead living in one of those apartments that’s just somebody’s closet
not even a walk in closet
just a regular closet
archie is so “anyway here’s wonderwall” but i still want to root for his Artist Dream
Rachel: LOL
CC: this was me blowing thru the archie and jughead sequence
Jenny: lol same
CC: in order of sequences, ranked from most enjoyable to least enjoyable:
b & v > cheryl & josie >>>>>>>>>>>>>> bert & ernie
Jenny: i’d agree w that
Rachel: yes
ALTHOUGH
and really this could be a betty thing but
I lost my mind when Jug called her Poirot
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT POIROT
CC: so, all i have to say about the archie & jug bit is that penny peabody skeeves me out
she is very Into pushing him in a way that feels a lil un com for ta ble
Jenny: that is fair but also i def relate to at least one thing
about her
Jenny: mfw i think about fp’s pretty face
CC: I literally yelled out NOOOOOOOO at this scene
CC: me crying in relief over jug’s actual tears
Rachel: omg hard same
CC: like riverdale why do u think i’m still here
DON’T PLAY WITH MY HEART
Rachel: OH MY GOD SPEAKING OF HOT DADS
PERFECT TRANSITION
TO MUSCLE KELLER
Jenny: GOD I KNOW
Jenny: “I WAS JUST THIRSTY”
same girl
same
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: i will say though that v was a little too much for me in this scene
Jenny: like a lot of her dialogue could be really easily misinterpreted
as like, hitting on this hot dad
and that made me v uncomfortable
CC: “””” misinterpreted “””” (not bc V; shaking my fist at writer’s room)
Jenny: i mean yeah
Rachel: oh my god I thought that’s where they were going with this!!!
that Sheriff Keller would be like “uh Veronica I’m not interested”
Jenny: i just feel like v is savvy enough to toe the line between investigating and flirting w an older dude
and it felt like too much of the latter
CC: i feel like v would have gone really extra on the flirting
if intentional
like she did with the punk ghoulie last week
Jenny: like if that had been her intention they could’ve had her like
rearrange her boobs or some shit
to signal to the audience that the vibe was purposeful
CC: so one interesting tidbit from this whole banter
kevin’s mom is in the navy?? that’s cool
Jenny: yeah!
CC: i mean uh not cool that he’s cheating on her
Jenny: i agree that it is a cool and underrepresented take though
and also cool and underrepresented: gay nerds who like board games
Rachel: hell yeah!!!
my sweet boy
CC: so, is that…just regular ass dice & a d12?
Jenny: honestly though like god what is this, 1972??
little army men?
unless he MADE THE GAME HIMSELF
Rachel: this is like a Ben from Parks and Rec situation
where he made a really elaborate game and is constantly trying to get his friends to play it
Jenny: #confirmed
CC: 2 peas in a pod
CC: i would 100% bet kevin made that game
Rachel: I want to believe
CC: patent that shit kevin
pay for college w ur board game money
Jenny: live that dream
CC: so one other aspect of the archie and jug plot i wanna cover before we move on forever and hopefully never think about it again in our lives
the drug kingpin ghoulie baba yaga ???
Jenny: no way
mama fratelli
CC: wow
Rachel: woah!!!!!
Jenny: didn’t realize this was a goonies crossover
but the archie/jug plot was FULL of crossover garbage
and i’m mad about it
CC: i mean, imo it leaked into the josie plot too
Jenny: i mean yes
CC: not so much a take as it is a dude in your introductory college english class telling u he likes film
Jenny: lollolololololololololololol
CC: what other crossovers did you see, jenny? i think some might have gone over my head
as i have seen 4 movies in my whole life and 3 were VHS tapes of sailor moon movies
Jenny: OK
WELL
the A/J plot was FULL OF WITCH SHIT
exhibit A:
Jenny: YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN GREENDALE AFTER MIDNIGHT
bc of witchcraft
exhibit B
Jenny: McGinty thought that Archie was Jason Blossom
“You never know on the road to Greendale”
you never know if the people you meet are alive or dead???
sounds like witchcraft 2me
THEN
EXHIBIT C:
Jenny: when Madam Satan is brought up from Hell
she slaughters a pregnant doe and her unborn calf
and while i get that the doe in the ep ties into the one in mcginty’s truck probably
i think this is worth pointing out
CC: wow some deep worldbuilding in the riverdale cinematic universe
Jenny: BUT
THE WORST
THE WORST PART
I LITERALLY CANNOT EXPRESS HOW DISAPPOINTED I AM IN THE GODDAMN WRITERS ROOM
Jenny: THIS DUMB ASS HORSE SHIT
this crate is a ref
to an hp lovecraft short story
called “At the Mountains of Madness”
and I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS
I SIGNED UP FOR SABRINA
THESE ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT KINDS OF MAGIC THINGS
but also McGinty is a character in the comic books
he is a police officer who mentors a diff police officer, who turns out to be the Black Hood (a superhero originally)
and also he is famously gay
Rachel: oh shit!
well this is a fucking disservice then
Jenny: his bf’s name is Looney
CC: JENNY
!!!!
Jenny: sorry i kind of went on but i AM MAD ABOUT IT
CC: you really are an elderly lady detective from a period drama!!!!!!!!!!!
i am so impressed by all this sleuthing!!!!!!
bc all of that went completely over my head
they mentioned greendale but i didn’t see a cat puppet so i fell into a deep sleep for 14 minutes or however long it took to get 2 josie
Jenny: all this riverdale reaper bullshit they’re trying to keep the public distracted from the HP LOVECRAFT FUCKERY
but also cc that is a fair and reasonable reaction
i could not take what dummies these boys were
Jenny: literally what a dummy
Rachel: I think… I’m actually the maddest about the Josie story
Jenny: I AM ALSO SO MAD ABOUT THE JOSIE STORY
i have gone on record as being V INTO Cheryl and Josie’s friendship but I am V Not Into what is happening now
Rachel: I feel incredibly betrayed
Jenny: THAT IS EXACTLY THE WORD FOR IT
BETRAYAL
CC: i was mad about this whole episode bc it made cheryl an actual villain instead of an emotional roller coaster of an antihero
i want 2 root for u!!!!
I was in denial
like,
UH, MAYBE, MAYBE IT’S ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING
but then again, cheryl’s face before and after josie got the pig heart or w/e
“wwwwWWwwwhoo could have possibly given you this perfectly well preserved pig heart? not i, your best friend”
that is what that face says 2 me
Jenny: in my notes i was like, what if cheryl’s the one leaving notes and then i was immediately like no she wouldn’t do that
FRIENDSHIP
is NOTHING SACRED TO THESE WRITERS?????
Rachel: Cheryl where did you even GET a pig’s heart
also
the fact that she knew it was a pig’s heart should have been a big giveaway
CC: true, but i believe that cheryl blossom could possibly recognize a raw pig’s heart on sight
i mean, if anybody
Jenny: i’d buy that too honestly
Rachel: see this is that denial!!!!!
CC: NOOOO
RACHEL U ARE RUINING MY BEAUTIFUL DREAM
don’t make me bring jason into this!!!!
Rachel: you know what
YOU KNOW WHAT
Cheryl did this
CHERYL DID THIS
CC: I CAN’T HEAR U
CHERYL DID NOTHINGGGGG
Rachel: that’s meeeeeeeeee
Jenny: but honestly
i was SO MAD
Jenny: like
chuck’s taking art classes
i thought
i thought this could be that
but it’s not
Rachel: it was too convenient
CC: also, side note: lol @ this sexual harasser and enemy of women deciding 2 enter the comics industry
CC: he immediately posted a #metoo status about being a dipshit right after that dinner
Rachel: yeah, so real
tooooo real
I dunno, I felt complicated about this
like I want to believe in reformation, I’m a sucker like that
but you don’t get to just slide in to this show again
and be like “I’m changed~~~~~”
idk
CC: he was proud of what a piece of shit he was!!!!
going to church for a few weeks or months doesn’t change that!!!!!!!
Jenny: also i’m still p convinced
that it was him in that van following around ethel muggs
in ep2 or whatever
Rachel: ohhhHHHHHHHH
god they never resolved that!!!!
this dang show!!!!
Jenny: they never resolve anything
ALSO
they keep pulling SHIT LIKE THIS
CC: red maga hat that says “red herring” on it dot jpg
Jenny: let’s just INTRODUCE A black hood sized character with a WEIRD THING about young girls and also violence
lazy fucking writing i swear to god
Rachel: I’m real mad about this episode, just as a whole
Jenny: same
i felt like it started
SO STRONG
on the witch shit
and then it went nowhere
like it always does
Rachel: it didn’t even have Madchen in a pantsuit or the pussycats beating up a rapist
Jenny: I KNOW
NO MADCHEN AT ALL and frankly i’m mad about that too
CC: at least FP’s pretty face is safe
Jenny: thank god for that
praise hands emoji
CC: also there were some great Looks in this episode
Jenny: can agree there
Jenny: even though these writers are shit the costumers are gr9
CC: casual teens at a high school
just being teens
during school hours
Jenny: casually
Rachel: ok y’all it’s time for final thoughts
CC: before final thoughts tho
100% would kill 4 this sweater
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: it’s v you
Rachel: 100% u
CC: my final thought is that sheriff keller deserves a little privacy; after archie’s parents i can’t keep up with the thrupples in this town
Jenny: AGREE
like maybe betty shouldn’t be breaking into his house and then getting mad that she gets in trouble for it
like that is an actual for real crime
CC: it makes sense that he has a crime wall
HE IS A SHERIFF SOLVING LITERALLY THIS!!! CRIME!!!
Jenny: she is 100% not allowed to judge anyone’s murder board
Rachel: super duper agree
Jenny: i have 2 takeaways
1st is a thing for next week
i want to know who this nighttime deputy is — the one who “fell asleep” when the black hood shot hot-teacher/drug-dealer
Jenny: 2nd is a commentary
when josie’s mom is talking about the death threats
she says that there was some backlash when she got arrested
but since the black hood it’s been so much worse
“you’ve read the letters i used to get
and now since the black hood’s started
it’s like they’re emboldened by him”
you guys
the black hood is donald drumpf
emboldening racists
ppl who are looking to use racial minorities as scapegoats
that’s the show
CC: “let’s make this metaphor accessible 2 teens by making it as sexual as humanly possible in frequently uncomfortable ways”
— riverdale writer’s room, 2017
Jenny: basically
Rachel: man my takeaway is just me crying about Cheryl
I don’t know if I’ll ever recover
Jenny: same though
there’s no fixing it
unless this was a dreamsequence!!
that sounds like some shit they’d pull
CC: i mean maybe it’s still the dream sequence of archie’s wedding, but after a very weird turn
it’s possible
Jenny: lolololol
CC: it’s ok tho rachel we’re here 4 u
eeeeeven from beyond the graaaaave ~~~~
Rachel: ahhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Rachel: lol ok let’s leave it there??
CC: ya i am cool w that!
Jenny: wait wait
i got one more shot
Jenny: ok done
[you don’t actually have to include it]
Rachel: lol no I 100% am
<<Season 2 Premiere <Episode 6 Episode 8>
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.
