Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about the very first episode of Season 2: “A Kiss Before Dying.” Come for the hot dads and conspiracy theories; stay for the jingle jangle.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
CC: ok so there is something really important i want 2 discuss with you guys tonight
and that is
Jenny: the JINGLE JANGLE???
CC:
CC: ^^^^^^^
Jenny: oh yeah
Rachel: HIRAM LODGE
Jenny: handsome dad
CC: w o w o w o w o w
handsome lodge more like it
Rachel: handsome but scary
Jenny: lol
CC: handsome murder lodge
Rachel: also Hermione going mobster-lady on Veronica
Jenny: i fucking know it
CC: i know!!!
Jenny: YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF BACK IN LINE W THIS FAMILY or whatever
in the hospital chapel no less
CC: also
Jenny: god honestly
CC:
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: really hit that PEAK creepy catholic iconography
mary is judging you
CC: yeah this is the religious iconography i remember from my youth
that Hard Catholicism that also kinda might also be haunted
(even tho ghosts aren’t real)
Rachel: (probably)
Jenny: the good stuff
CC: the holy spirit gets a pass as a ghost
Jenny: v fair
CC: yeah like i really thought that the almost-murderer was connected with hiram
i would have bet my life on it before the last scene in the episode
Jenny: shit what was the last scene??
Recap?
all i remember is the jingle jangle
Rachel: RIP ms grundy
Jenny: oh shit right
FUCKING GREENDALE HOW COULD I FORGET
CC: murderer is the salem puppet in disguise confirmed
the face of a killer:
CC: ok wait refresh me: what was the jingle jangle again?
Jenny: sherriff keller QUOTE:
the gunman was probably “out of his head on meth or the jingle jangle”
the drug ravaging the riverdale streets
CC: OH SHIT yeah
Jenny: the jingle jangle
CC: lol of COURSE the street drug of choice in riverdale is the “jingle jangle”
Rachel: is that a real thing??? and I am just not “bad” enough to know????
Jenny: honestly
not a real drug
CC: the “jingle jangle” sounds like a drug your school would have an assembly 2 warn you about because one of the PTA moms heard about it on an episode of doctor phil
Jenny: sherriff keller takes dr phil v seriously
CC: lol like, of course he does, bless his heart
maybe sheriff keller did it
he was like, there’s only room for one decent parent in this town, partner
pew pew
Jenny: !!!!
leaving the town with NO decent parents, though
CC: riverdale feels like a very high stakes dream daddy
Jenny: god yes
CC: like murder mystery dream daddy
except like 4 out of 6 daddies are murderers
Jenny: that’s what i need in my life
Rachel: this episode didn’t have enough FP Jones to be a real Dream Daddy
CC: yeah true
and also betty’s dad is there for some reason
Jenny: ugh
what a useless man is Hal Cooper
CC: u don’t even go here hal
Rachel: god fuck him
also fuck Betty’s mom!!!
Jenny: NO
I LOVE BETTY’S MOM
CC: yeah me too tho
Rachel: how dare she not even appreciate precious baby Jughead
no I hate her
CC: i love her unhinged bullshit
i don’t know why but i do
Jenny: “beanie-wearing cad” — madchen, my love
“if that’s snake plissken, i want him blocked. -it’s archie. -block him too” — madchen, BLOCKED, YOU’RE ALL BLOCKED
Rachel: I hate all moms that aren’t Molly Ringwald
CC: ok i love hermione
Rachel: oh man I don’t like her being mean to Veronica!!!
all these mom’s being mean to their children
I don’t like it
Jenny: me neither!
CC: i don’t either but i have faith in her
she’s got to be playing at something bigger
i just…i want 2 believe
Rachel: they’re all Bad Moms
(except you Molly)
Jenny: i loved when veronica went to smithers and smithers was like hermione is unequivocally good but your dad fucking sucks
so maybe it’ll come back to that
Rachel: lol Smithers is the real hero
the real dad we needed
Jenny: went out and got fred that new wallet
CC: maybe smithers was the murderer
Jenny: hey now
no
Rachel: lol Jenny
CC: he got that wallet to cover his tracks
maybe he thought fred wasn’t good for hermione
Jenny: they were already broken up!
they broke up like halfway through s1
oh shit
maybe he did do it
CC: ???? ???? ???? ???? ????
Rachel: also then why would he go after Ms Grundy
Jenny: out of love for the lodge family
CC: yeah maybe he thought it would help veronica out
Jenny: bc she’s a pedophile
kill all pedophiles
CC: i mean naturally
i do wanna talk about ms grundy tho
Jenny: WHAT A CUTE FUCKING HOUSE
CC: like, i am really glad they put that scene in this episode???
Jenny: yeah
CC: establishing that what she did to archie was a pattern??? i think the way season 1 leaves off, you kinda can believe that they had some kind of fucked up gothic Real Love
so I think the way they constructed it makes grundy’s actions unequivocally bad
like, not apologizing for it or making her seem like the victim in all this
grundy is earl confirmed
Jenny: i mean idk
Rachel: yeah, I mean they hinted at that pretty strong when she left
she was eyeballin’ those other youths
CC: ok that’s fair
Jenny: YES
w the heart glasses and the slushie
Rachel: ugh
CC: AAA I FORGOT
Jenny: not love
just bad
CC: EW
Jenny: classic abuser dyanmics
CC: i just hate when a subplot is like, what if this manipulative abuser dynamic was actually okay tho???
Jenny: grundy sucks and kill all pedophiles
CC: [weeping over my cardcaptor sakura books and shaking my head 5ever]
Jenny: i love when a subplot is like, what if we killed all pedophiles
CC: same
Rachel: ok but for real, there’s gonna be a connection there
and I NEED to know
who would want them both dead???
CC: ok ngl this is my theory
CC: i don’t know why
i don’t know why he would do it
but
Jenny: is it the long hair?
grown ass man, middleaged, in a gang, long hair
CC: GREEN EYES
also fuck this screenshot it took me like 6 tries and i had to watch like 5 whole minutes of target ads to get it
Jenny: also imdb is giving out no hints on this gunman
Rachel: hmmm AND Archie’s never seen this dude irl so
it could be him!
CC: i mean it’s either this guy or salem imo
Rachel: maybe he’s working with Hiram
Jenny: i’d believe that
Rachel: and Grundy…… owes him…….. money????????
really that’s the connection I don’t understand
Jenny: kills grundy just bc hiram’s protocol is to kill all of this daughter’s bf’s exes
CC: maybe it was like
his community service for the month
his volunteer hours
Rachel: lol
CC: cause he’s a rough guy
Rachel: ok well
let’s talk about the real star here
Cheryl Blossom
Jenny: I FUCKING LOVE HER SO MUCH
CC: oh i thought you were gonna say Vegas
Rachel: man Cheryl her threatening her mom like that gave me chills
Jenny: she’s incredible
Rachel: I don’t know if I like her, but I respect her??? and fear her
Jenny: i LOVE HER
CC: who wore it best
Jenny: i mean, it’s the same outfit from the s1 finale when she just fucking burns that house down
she looked good then too
CC: i am impressed that she didn’t get even one speck of soot on that forever 21 outfit
Rachel: no she totally did!!!
the ends of it are all burnt up
Jenny: and her face was a little sooty too
CC: god i don’t remember anything
Jenny: my fave was the graduation sequence
CC: oh LOL that is a good screenshot
Jenny: love that spotlight on her tho
she deserves it
Rachel: man all of these flashbacks were nuts
CC: ya that wedding scene with that rinky dink little wedding
like veronica would get married in a park ffs
get with the program fred
Jenny: THE WEDDING
CC: (also fred is wearing a fucking KILT)
ha ha ha ha ha
Rachel: man I love that they were wearing kilts
A+
CC: archie you weirdo
Jenny: THEY’RE ALL WEARING THE KILTS
CC: lol these kilts
veronica: “i want a divorce”
Rachel: lol
CC: oh god
you guys i just thought of something
i know who the killer is
the killer
is
ARCHIE FROM THE FUTURE
Jenny: OH SHIT
Rachel: WOAH
CC: only a ginger could have eyes that green
OR the ghost of whatshisname blossom but as a middle aged man for some reason
but I like the first one better
Rachel: Jasoonnnnnnn
ok Jason is the weirdest looking person on this show
CC: that is so true
Rachel: and whenever Jason Blossom shows up I’m immediately like “GET OUT OF HERE GHOST”
CC: lol rachel the show is like
hi rachel i heard u like gingers
[jason blossom comes on screen]
Rachel: omg
CAROLYNN
ok there are mostly very hot gingers in this
Jenny: i mean archie is not a real ginger
kj apa is a brunette kiwi — they don’t even shade his eyebrows
Rachel: ok but I can dream
Jenny: molly ringwald forever though
CC: hi it’s me, a normal human boy
Rachel: AHHHH CAROLYNN
GET OUT OF HERE GHOST
CC: ok i’ll just make out w/my sister and leave bye bye c u later rachelllll
Rachel: CAROLYNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Jenny: gross
cheryl
deserves the world
better than this dude
Rachel: god their lannister shtick is so gross
CC: cheryl deserves better than archie
better than her family
Jenny: at least he’s dead now (jason)
Rachel: Cheryl only deserves another Cheryl
CC: two mean babes against the world
Jenny: honestly
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
perf
OR
ALTERNATELY
Rachel: LOL
CC: LOL
Jenny: i know i said kill all pedophiles
but in like ten years
when she’s president of new earth
he’ll balance her
keep her grounded
Rachel: just to a normal level of crazy vengeance
an acceptable level
CC: i think mr andrews is too mild mannered for cheryl
speaking of attempting to balance a whole lot of out of control nonsense
yall wanna talk about the tunnel snakes uh i mean the south side serpents and also how hilariously wigged out betty gets about motorcycles
CC: a good move for this character i think
the main character should have a motorcycle
in everything
including like, game of thrones
Rachel: normally I’m not onboard for motorcycles
they are v dangerous and I am basically a dad about this
BUT
it is a good look for Jug and I support him
CC: my dad is a biker so maybe that’s why i’m just like “wow! sounds like fun! nothing could ever go wrong on this motorcycle!!!”
and also maybe why the idea of somebody on a motorcycle being menacing is so ridiculous to me
i just think everybody on a motorcycle is a dad
Jenny: i think it’s good to have both me and rachel bc i am fully out on this cold sprouts jughead
didn’t like him in s1 don’t like him now
the dumb lil jughead crown carved into the helmet
w/in the rules of this world he would’ve had to have carved that lil crown in there
Rachel: yeah I’m 100000000%%%%%%% into Cole Sprouts Jughead here
I love it and I can’t help it
CC: jughead is like if jess mariano from gilmore girls wasn’t a complete tool and i am here for that
beep beep my ride is here byeeeee
Jenny: i mean
i feel like jess and jug are right at the same level
Rachel: I have never seen Gilmore Girls so I don’t know what that means
Jenny: but also i’m still heartbroken about the end of ace jughead, and also all of this hetero nonsense getting in the way of my true otp
CC: there’s still time
Rachel: they are really my fave part of the show
they are best friends and I Love them
CC: i mean
archie is pretty much just a bad wig on top of a pair of abs
i don’t think it will last
Jenny: yeah that can’t last
CC: i don’t think he’s smart enough for ronnie lol
Rachel: I think that’s why she likes him lol
like, you precious hot dummy
Jenny: i mean he is a kind sweet boy and he’s spent enough time w betty to know when the laugh cues are
CC: [archie is dean!!!!!!] [ok that was the last gilmore girls ref i will make tonight i promise rachel]
Jenny: you’ve got it
archie is dean
CC: oh my god what if everything veronica likes about archie is the stuff he picked up from betty
????
Jenny: i want to cry into that fanfic rn
Rachel: awww
AWWWW
she just likes the D, but also all of Betty’s personality
she’s making it happen for herself
CC: if the legend of korra has taught me anything, it’s that anything has the potential to be just as gay as you know it could be in your heart
Jenny: i mean honestly i’d be down for an ot3 here
and there’s enough fan response
Rachel: oh hell yeah
CC: if it works for archie’s parents and hermione
Jenny: I LOVE THEM
that was MAGICAL
fucking the only time i’ve been out on madchen was when she was making fun of molly ringwald
for the ot3
Rachel: madchen????
Jenny: i can’t remember her name
betty’s mom
Rachel: oh nasty lady
she sent her daughter to A NUNNERY
and was going to force her to GIVE UP THE BABY
CC: uh you mean Problematic and Troubled Mother Who is Definitely Going To Fuck FP On Top Of A Car Before This Is All Over ? ?? ?? ?? ? ?
Rachel: GOD SHE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY
Jenny: alice
looked it up
also YES
I’M SO READY FOR ALICE/FP
CC: it’s just grease but angrier
Rachel: y’all think Jellybean will show up????
I’m stoked for that
Jenny: i hope so!
i want to meet jellybean so bad!
i want to like more than one jones
Rachel: lol
It’s ok I like Jug enough for us both
CC: what do you guys think about this over the top fanservice
Jenny: the shower bit?
CC: LOL
Rachel: the burger bit was great
BUT
I def think we should talk about the shower
CC: yeah fair
Rachel: I think it was super fucked up that Veronica was like “hey I know you’re sad and scared but…… wanna fuk???”
she did a good thing after that tho, when she refused to leave him when he was mean to her
Jenny: i get that he’s upset and things are hard but VERONICA HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU
“i didn’t ask you to come. i didn’t even want to be here.” he says. she didn’t’ offer you ass — it was all betty
“you really want me to go” — “i do, yeah.” FUCK YOU
CC: see this is my Take on it
Veronica is ALWAYS saying like, oh i used 2b shitty, i used to not care about anybody else
but like, she has never even remotely indicated that she was anything but a kind and devoted friend?
Rachel: yeah! I love her but I do not think it was appropriate to jump in the shower and initiate sexy times
I think it showed how inexperienced at taking care of people she really is
CC: this is one of the only things she’s done so far imo that feels like, she really has no idea what to do in an emotionally complex and difficult situation — like, she struggles with it sometimes, but this feels more like an actual “this is maybe not the time ronnie” than usual
when she’s mostly just telling you over and over again that in the past she would have bailed before this point
Rachel: yeah!
CC: [glasses intensify]
like it was the Wrong Time but it also felt in character to me for her to think “uh, shit, what would make this exceptionally hetero boy feel better???? titty???????”
Rachel: also I’m constantly flummoxed by how sexually confident these teens are
CC: also YEAH rachel i noticed that too
no awkward falling out of clothes
CC: ~ and i will leave the pearls~~~ ~~~ ON ~~~~
Rachel: but yeah I would not have jumped in the shower with my sad BF, not because I would have recognized its fucked up-ness but because I WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY NERVOUS
how recently had I shaved?????
how does one even have sex in the shower
these are the things I would have just thought about instead of actually getting into the shower
Jenny: like, they’re 15
how???
Rachel: yeah!!!!! why are they so confidant!!!!!!
CC: that seems like a pretty advanced move for teens
Rachel: Veronica specifically is acting like fucking Sarah Jessica Parker
it boggles my mind
Jenny: archie doesn’t have a driver’s license yet!
Rachel: YEAH IF YOU CAN’T DRIVE ARCHIE YOU CAN’T BE BONING
that’s just the law
Jenny: fact
CC: adding this before it’s too late
Jenny: he’s not responsible enough to put a bag over that cast he’s not responsible enough for boning
Rachel: lol jenny
CC: that nurse in the extremely tight outfit is gonna be disappointed in him lol
ok i have one more thing i Need to know
CC: who the heck is this exasperated looking girl in the corner??????
Rachel: I have a theory about this
that I just came up with
CC: she’s the killer????
Rachel: it’s time traveling young Molly Ringwald in a wig
Jenny: i love it
Rachel: she could also be the killer
CC: magical shenanigans?????????
MAYBE IT’S SABRINA
Jenny: INTO IT
Rachel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
CC: they just roll her out like she was there the whole time
Rachel: lol
CC: ok my actual last note is that it was hilarious that all these shitty parents like betty’s mom were pretending to be concerned about mr andrews
like, josie’s dad flies in
“I cannot BELIEVE I flew ALL THIS WAY to watch this man die! And he CAN’T EVEN carry a TUNE!!!”
Jenny: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rachel: hahahahahahhah
Jenny: final thought/speculation: the hospital is corrupt — they took the wallet, they didn’t send the ambulance
CC: they used his money to buy more very fitted scrubs
you know you can’t get those from a medical supply store
Rachel: those scrubs were ????
Jenny: sexy old-timey nurse costume
bring that shit out for halloween
CC: this show is so great and we are very good detectives
what is your final takeaway rachel?
Rachel: hmmm
I WANT JOAQUIN TO COME BACK
I MISS HIM
CC: ;__;
Rachel: Kevin is obviously heartbroken
also I love Joaquin
Jenny: same
CC: yeah me too
well hopefully tonight we’ll get to finally figure out why salem transformed into a human man to kill ms grundy
Jenny: i’m so ready
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.
