Riverdale Roundtable 1: “A Kiss Before Dying”

"Cheryl only deserves another Cheryl"

October 18, 2017 at 12:24 pm

Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about the very first episode of Season 2: “A Kiss Before Dying.” Come for the hot dads and conspiracy theories; stay for the jingle jangle.

Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!

 


 

CC: ok so there is something really important i want 2 discuss with you guys tonight
and that is

Jenny: the JINGLE JANGLE???

CC:

Riverdale Roundtable #1 Hiram

CC: ^^^^^^^

Jenny: oh yeah

Rachel: HIRAM LODGE

Jenny: handsome dad

CC: w o w o w o w o w
handsome lodge more like it

Rachel: handsome but scary

Jenny: lol

CC: handsome murder lodge

Rachel: also Hermione going mobster-lady on Veronica

Jenny: i fucking know it

CC: i know!!!

Jenny: YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF BACK IN LINE W THIS FAMILY or whatever
in the hospital chapel no less

CC: also

Riverdale Roundtable #1 just some subtle Catholic iconography

Jenny: god honestly

CC:

Riverdale Roundtable #1 symbolism

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: really hit that PEAK creepy catholic iconography
mary is judging you

CC: yeah this is the religious iconography i remember from my youth
that Hard Catholicism that also kinda might also be haunted
(even tho ghosts aren’t real)

Rachel: (probably)

Jenny: the good stuff

CC: the holy spirit gets a pass as a ghost

Jenny: v fair

CC: yeah like i really thought that the almost-murderer was connected with hiram
i would have bet my life on it before the last scene in the episode

Jenny: shit what was the last scene??
Recap?
all i remember is the jingle jangle

Rachel: RIP ms grundy

Jenny: oh shit right
FUCKING GREENDALE HOW COULD I FORGET

CC: murderer is the salem puppet in disguise confirmed
the face of a killer:

Riverdale Roundtable #1 salem the cat puppet

CC: ok wait refresh me: what was the jingle jangle again?

Jenny: sherriff keller QUOTE:
the gunman was probably “out of his head on meth or the jingle jangle”
the drug ravaging the riverdale streets

CC: OH SHIT yeah

Jenny: the jingle jangle

CC: lol of COURSE the street drug of choice in riverdale is the “jingle jangle”

Rachel: is that a real thing??? and I am just not “bad” enough to know????

Jenny: honestly
not a real drug

CC: the “jingle jangle” sounds like a drug your school would have an assembly 2 warn you about because one of the PTA moms heard about it on an episode of doctor phil

Jenny: sherriff keller takes dr phil v seriously

CC: lol like, of course he does, bless his heart
maybe sheriff keller did it
he was like, there’s only room for one decent parent in this town, partner
pew pew

Jenny: !!!!
leaving the town with NO decent parents, though

CC: riverdale feels like a very high stakes dream daddy

Jenny: god yes

CC: like murder mystery dream daddy
except like 4 out of 6 daddies are murderers

Jenny: that’s what i need in my life

Rachel: this episode didn’t have enough FP Jones to be a real Dream Daddy

CC: yeah true
and also betty’s dad is there for some reason

Jenny: ugh
what a useless man is Hal Cooper

CC: u don’t even go here hal

Rachel: god fuck him
also fuck Betty’s mom!!!

Jenny: NO
I LOVE BETTY’S MOM

CC: yeah me too tho

Rachel: how dare she not even appreciate precious baby Jughead
no I hate her

CC: i love her unhinged bullshit
i don’t know why but i do

Jenny: “beanie-wearing cad” — madchen, my love
“if that’s snake plissken, i want him blocked. -it’s archie. -block him too” — madchen, BLOCKED, YOU’RE ALL BLOCKED

Rachel: I hate all moms that aren’t Molly Ringwald

CC: ok i love hermione

Rachel: oh man I don’t like her being mean to Veronica!!!
all these mom’s being mean to their children
I don’t like it

Jenny: me neither!

CC: i don’t either but i have faith in her
she’s got to be playing at something bigger
i just…i want 2 believe

Rachel: they’re all Bad Moms
(except you Molly)

Jenny: i loved when veronica went to smithers and smithers was like hermione is unequivocally good but your dad fucking sucks
so maybe it’ll come back to that

Rachel: lol Smithers is the real hero
the real dad we needed

Jenny: went out and got fred that new wallet

CC: maybe smithers was the murderer

Jenny: hey now
no

Rachel: lol Jenny

CC: he got that wallet to cover his tracks
maybe he thought fred wasn’t good for hermione

Jenny: they were already broken up!
they broke up like halfway through s1
oh shit
maybe he did do it

CC: 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀

Rachel: also then why would he go after Ms Grundy

Jenny: out of love for the lodge family

CC: yeah maybe he thought it would help veronica out

Jenny: bc she’s a pedophile
kill all pedophiles

CC: i mean naturally
i do wanna talk about ms grundy tho

Jenny: WHAT A CUTE FUCKING HOUSE

CC: like, i am really glad they put that scene in this episode???

Jenny: yeah

CC: establishing that what she did to archie was a pattern??? i think the way season 1 leaves off, you kinda can believe that they had some kind of fucked up gothic Real Love
so I think the way they constructed it makes grundy’s actions unequivocally bad
like, not apologizing for it or making her seem like the victim in all this
grundy is earl confirmed

Jenny: i mean idk

Rachel: yeah, I mean they hinted at that pretty strong when she left
she was eyeballin’ those other youths

CC: ok that’s fair

Jenny: YES
w the heart glasses and the slushie

Rachel: ugh

CC: AAA I FORGOT

Jenny: not love
just bad

CC: EW

Jenny: classic abuser dyanmics

CC: i just hate when a subplot is like, what if this manipulative abuser dynamic was actually okay tho???

Jenny: grundy sucks and kill all pedophiles

CC: [weeping over my cardcaptor sakura books and shaking my head 5ever]

Jenny: i love when a subplot is like, what if we killed all pedophiles

CC: same

Rachel: ok but for real, there’s gonna be a connection there
and I NEED to know
who would want them both dead???

CC: ok ngl this is my theory

Riverdale Roundtable #1 tunnel snakes rule

CC: i don’t know why
i don’t know why he would do it
but

Jenny: is it the long hair?
grown ass man, middleaged, in a gang, long hair

Riverdale Roundtable #1 the face of a killer???

CC: GREEN EYES
also fuck this screenshot it took me like 6 tries and i had to watch like 5 whole minutes of target ads to get it

Jenny: also imdb is giving out no hints on this gunman

Rachel: hmmm AND Archie’s never seen this dude irl so
it could be him!

CC: i mean it’s either this guy or salem imo

Rachel: maybe he’s working with Hiram

Jenny: i’d believe that

Rachel: and Grundy…… owes him…….. money????????
really that’s the connection I don’t understand

Jenny: kills grundy just bc hiram’s protocol is to kill all of this daughter’s bf’s exes

CC: maybe it was like
his community service for the month
his volunteer hours

Rachel: lol

CC: cause he’s a rough guy

Rachel: ok well
let’s talk about the real star here
Cheryl Blossom

Jenny: I FUCKING LOVE HER SO MUCH

CC: oh i thought you were gonna say Vegas

Riverdale Roundtable #1 vegas, the real hero

Rachel: man Cheryl her threatening her mom like that gave me chills

Jenny: she’s incredible

Rachel: I don’t know if I like her, but I respect her??? and fear her

Jenny: i LOVE HER

CC: who wore it best

Riverdale Roundtable #1 cheryl looking great

 

Jenny: i mean, it’s the same outfit from the s1 finale when she just fucking burns that house down
she looked good then too

CC: i am impressed that she didn’t get even one speck of soot on that forever 21 outfit

Rachel: no she totally did!!!
the ends of it are all burnt up

Jenny: and her face was a little sooty too

CC: god i don’t remember anything

Jenny: my fave was the graduation sequence

Riverdale Roundtable #1 graduation dream sequence; cheryl is wearing red

CC: oh LOL that is a good screenshot

Jenny: love that spotlight on her tho
she deserves it

Rachel: man all of these flashbacks were nuts

CC: ya that wedding scene with that rinky dink little wedding
like veronica would get married in a park ffs
get with the program fred

Jenny: THE WEDDING

CC: (also fred is wearing a fucking KILT)
ha ha ha ha ha

Rachel: man I love that they were wearing kilts
A+

CC: archie you weirdo

Riverdale Roundtable #1 wedding dream sequence

 

Jenny: THEY’RE ALL WEARING THE KILTS

Riverdale Roundtable #1 kilts!!!!!

CC: lol these kilts
veronica: “i want a divorce”

Rachel: lol

CC: oh god
you guys i just thought of something
i know who the killer is
the killer
is
ARCHIE FROM THE FUTURE

Jenny: OH SHIT

Rachel: WOAH

CC: only a ginger could have eyes that green
OR the ghost of whatshisname blossom but as a middle aged man for some reason
but I like the first one better

Rachel: Jasoonnnnnnn
ok Jason is the weirdest looking person on this show

CC: that is so true

Rachel: and whenever Jason Blossom shows up I’m immediately like “GET OUT OF HERE GHOST”

CC: lol rachel the show is like
hi rachel i heard u like gingers
[jason blossom comes on screen]

Rachel: omg
CAROLYNN
ok there are mostly very hot gingers in this

Jenny: i mean archie is not a real ginger
kj apa is a brunette kiwi — they don’t even shade his eyebrows

Rachel: ok but I can dream

Jenny: molly ringwald forever though

CC: hi it’s me, a normal human boy

Riverdale Roundtable #1 normal human boy jason blossom

Rachel: AHHHH CAROLYNN
GET OUT OF HERE GHOST

CC: ok i’ll just make out w/my sister and leave bye bye c u later rachelllll

Riverdale Roundtable #1 jason blossom; still a normal human boy over here

Rachel: CAROLYNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Jenny: gross
cheryl
deserves the world
better than this dude

Rachel: god their lannister shtick is so gross

CC: cheryl deserves better than archie
better than her family

Jenny: at least he’s dead now (jason)

Rachel: Cheryl only deserves another Cheryl

CC: two mean babes against the world

Jenny: honestly
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
perf
OR
ALTERNATELY

Riverdale Roundtable #1 cheryl kissing archie's dad, like friends do

Riverdale Roundtable #1 Cheryl: "you're looking extremely DILF-y today"

Rachel: LOL

CC: LOL

Jenny: i know i said kill all pedophiles
but in like ten years
when she’s president of new earth
he’ll balance her
keep her grounded

Rachel: just to a normal level of crazy vengeance
an acceptable level

CC: i think mr andrews is too mild mannered for cheryl
speaking of attempting to balance a whole lot of out of control nonsense
yall wanna talk about the tunnel snakes uh i mean the south side serpents and also how hilariously wigged out betty gets about motorcycles

Riverdale Roundtable #1 Jug's motorcycle

CC: a good move for this character i think
the main character should have a motorcycle
in everything
including like, game of thrones

Rachel: normally I’m not onboard for motorcycles
they are v dangerous and I am basically a dad about this
BUT
it is a good look for Jug and I support him

CC: my dad is a biker so maybe that’s why i’m just like “wow! sounds like fun! nothing could ever go wrong on this motorcycle!!!”
and also maybe why the idea of somebody on a motorcycle being menacing is so ridiculous to me
i just think everybody on a motorcycle is a dad

Jenny: i think it’s good to have both me and rachel bc i am fully out on this cold sprouts jughead
didn’t like him in s1 don’t like him now
the dumb lil jughead crown carved into the helmet
w/in the rules of this world he would’ve had to have carved that lil crown in there

Rachel: yeah I’m 100000000%%%%%%% into Cole Sprouts Jughead here
I love it and I can’t help it

CC: jughead is like if jess mariano from gilmore girls wasn’t a complete tool and i am here for that
beep beep my ride is here byeeeee

Jenny: i mean
i feel like jess and jug are right at the same level

Rachel: I have never seen Gilmore Girls so I don’t know what that means

Jenny: but also i’m still heartbroken about the end of ace jughead, and also all of this hetero nonsense getting in the way of my true otp

Riverdale Roundtable #1 betty and veronica and shipping

CC: there’s still time

Rachel: they are really my fave part of the show
they are best friends and I Love them

CC: i mean
archie is pretty much just a bad wig on top of a pair of abs
i don’t think it will last

Jenny: yeah that can’t last

CC: i don’t think he’s smart enough for ronnie lol

Rachel: I think that’s why she likes him lol
like, you precious hot dummy

Jenny: i mean he is a kind sweet boy and he’s spent enough time w betty to know when the laugh cues are

CC: [archie is dean!!!!!!] [ok that was the last gilmore girls ref i will make tonight i promise rachel]

Jenny: you’ve got it
archie is dean

CC: oh my god what if everything veronica likes about archie is the stuff he picked up from betty
👀

Jenny: i want to cry into that fanfic rn

Rachel: awww
AWWWW
she just likes the D, but also all of Betty’s personality
she’s making it happen for herself

CC: if the legend of korra has taught me anything, it’s that anything has the potential to be just as gay as you know it could be in your heart

Jenny: i mean honestly i’d be down for an ot3 here
and there’s enough fan response

Rachel: oh hell yeah

CC: if it works for archie’s parents and hermione

Jenny: I LOVE THEM
that was MAGICAL
fucking the only time i’ve been out on madchen was when she was making fun of molly ringwald
for the ot3

Rachel: madchen????

Jenny: i can’t remember her name
betty’s mom

Rachel: oh nasty lady
she sent her daughter to A NUNNERY
and was going to force her to GIVE UP THE BABY

CC: uh you mean Problematic and Troubled Mother Who is Definitely Going To Fuck FP On Top Of A Car Before This Is All Over ? ?? ?? ?? ? ?

Rachel: GOD SHE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY

Jenny: alice
looked it up
also YES
I’M SO READY FOR ALICE/FP

CC: it’s just grease but angrier

Rachel: y’all think Jellybean will show up????
I’m stoked for that

Jenny: i hope so!
i want to meet jellybean so bad!
i want to like more than one jones

Rachel: lol
It’s ok I like Jug enough for us both

CC: what do you guys think about this over the top fanservice

Jenny: the shower bit?

Riverdale Roundtable #1 jug and burg otp

CC: LOL

Rachel: the burger bit was great
BUT
I def think we should talk about the shower

CC: yeah fair

Rachel: I think it was super fucked up that Veronica was like “hey I know you’re sad and scared but…… wanna fuk???”
she did a good thing after that tho, when she refused to leave him when he was mean to her

Jenny: i get that he’s upset and things are hard but VERONICA HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU
“i didn’t ask you to come. i didn’t even want to be here.” he says. she didn’t’ offer you ass — it was all betty
“you really want me to go” — “i do, yeah.” FUCK YOU

CC: see this is my Take on it
Veronica is ALWAYS saying like, oh i used 2b shitty, i used to not care about anybody else
but like, she has never even remotely indicated that she was anything but a kind and devoted friend?

Rachel: yeah! I love her but I do not think it was appropriate to jump in the shower and initiate sexy times
I think it showed how inexperienced at taking care of people she really is

CC: this is one of the only things she’s done so far imo that feels like, she really has no idea what to do in an emotionally complex and difficult situation — like, she struggles with it sometimes, but this feels more like an actual “this is maybe not the time ronnie” than usual
when she’s mostly just telling you over and over again that in the past she would have bailed before this point

Rachel: yeah!

CC: [glasses intensify]
like it was the Wrong Time but it also felt in character to me for her to think “uh, shit, what would make this exceptionally hetero boy feel better???? titty???????”

Rachel: also I’m constantly flummoxed by how sexually confident these teens are

CC: also YEAH rachel i noticed that too
no awkward falling out of clothes

Riverdale Roundtable #1 pearls

CC: ~ and i will leave the pearls~~~ ~~~ ON ~~~~

Rachel: but yeah I would not have jumped in the shower with my sad BF, not because I would have recognized its fucked up-ness but because I WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY NERVOUS
how recently had I shaved?????
how does one even have sex in the shower
these are the things I would have just thought about instead of actually getting into the shower

Jenny: like, they’re 15
how???

Rachel: yeah!!!!! why are they so confidant!!!!!!

CC: that seems like a pretty advanced move for teens

Rachel: Veronica specifically is acting like fucking Sarah Jessica Parker
it boggles my mind

Jenny: archie doesn’t have a driver’s license yet!

Rachel: YEAH IF YOU CAN’T DRIVE ARCHIE YOU CAN’T BE BONING
that’s just the law

Jenny: fact

CC: adding this before it’s too late

Riverdale Roundtable #1 a good time for abs i guess

Jenny: he’s not responsible enough to put a bag over that cast he’s not responsible enough for boning

Rachel: lol jenny

CC: that nurse in the extremely tight outfit is gonna be disappointed in him lol
ok i have one more thing i Need to know

Riverdale Roundtable #1 time-travelling molly ringwald

CC: who the heck is this exasperated looking girl in the corner??????

Rachel: I have a theory about this
that I just came up with

CC: she’s the killer????

Rachel: it’s time travelling young Molly Ringwald in a wig

Jenny: i love it

Rachel: she could also be the killer

CC: magical shenanigans

Riverdale Roundtable #1 salem sharpening claws

CC: ?????????
MAYBE IT’S SABRINA

Jenny: INTO IT

Rachel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CC: they just roll her out like she was there the whole time

Rachel: lol

CC: ok my actual last note is that it was hilarious that all these shitty parents like betty’s mom were pretending to be concerned about mr andrews
like, josie’s dad flies in
“I cannot BELIEVE I flew ALL THIS WAY to watch this man die! And he CAN’T EVEN carry a TUNE!!!”

Jenny: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel: hahahahahahhah

Jenny: final thought/speculation: the hospital is corrupt — they took the wallet, they didn’t send the ambulance

CC: they used his money to buy more very fitted scrubs
you know you can’t get those from a medical supply store

Rachel: those scrubs were 👌

Riverdale Roundtable #1 hellooooo nurse

Jenny: sexy old-timey nurse costume
bring that shit out for halloween

CC: this show is so great and we are very good detectives
what is your final takeaway rachel?

Rachel: hmmm
I WANT JOAQUIN TO COME BACK
I MISS HIM

CC: ;__;

Rachel: Kevin is obviously heartbroken
also I love Joaquin

Jenny: same

CC: yeah me too
well hopefully tonight we’ll get to finally figure out why salem transformed into a human man to kill ms grundy

Jenny: i’m so ready


          Episode 2 >

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.